spankybees
New member
[I just wrote like 3-4 pages of stuff and then lost it when I previewed it. This is shorter and might be less consistent]
My wife and I have been married for 11 years or so. We're very committed to each other and believe that a marriage and love both require work, not just something that happens to us.
We've always had a reasonable sex life, including a little bit of what I'd call "slap and tickle", maybe a bit of dress up (who's a naughty little girl type thing). A few years ago my wife came to accept that she was bisexual. She was raised in a christian family (and is a christian), and so coming out to them and our friends was a big deal. I think her family was more accepting because this was "bisexual in theory" to them, since she was married to me.
Anyway, about 7 or 8 months ago, some of the sexual slap and tickle requests or conversations made me start thinking she was kinkier than I knew how to cope with and started doing some internet research. I found various BDSM communities and FetLife. Through that we found a local kink community that had regular munches and I convinced my wife to go along (and it took a lot of convincing).
My wife absolutely loved meeting people who were into kink. We also met some people who were poly, in particular a pair of couples who were in long term marriages but also had sexual partners as secondaries. The fact that this existed and worked for them, and several chats with them was fascinating to both my wife and I.
We very quickly went to our first play party, (about 3 weeks after our first munch), and at the first event we/she played with some people, being tied up and being flogged.
This built up a kink relationship between us that has been a lot of fun, exploring and trying lots of things we probably wouldn't have thought of alone.
We've also continued to go to play parties and play. This is where things start to get complicated.
My wife realised that she really likes to play with other people, not just me. This made me very uncomfortable, I didn't like the fact that she wanted to play with others. We argued for a few months about it, trying different things, for example me watching, me talking to her partners before to find out will happen. None of it took away my anxiousness, however as I've watched more kink I've experienced how it's about sensation, power, sensuality but often not sexual itself. That's made me relax a bit and although I still feel uncomfortable when my wife plays with others, I feel like I can cope with that anxiousness and that it'll lessen in time. (It's like uncomfortable, rather than painful).
However, that's not all, no there's more.
As we got to know our poly friends, my wife started us talking about the idea of opening up our marriage. I did what I do, I went away and researched, lurking here, reading online, reading the ethical slut and so forth. I logically can understand poly, and I think I probably agree with the descriptions. I can understand what people talk about with compersion and so forth.
But the emotions of my wife wanting to open our relationship is just too hard for me.
We met a nice man at kink events that we both got on with, and after a fun play session, my wife told me that she had a crush on him. (I'd suspected, I know her pretty well). She said that she would like to play privately with him, including sex, and wanted to have a relationship (like dating, dinners, staying over etc).
I didn't react very well to that, as you might imagine, and in the argument I expressed how I felt worried she'd leave me, how I felt like she'd asked for a divorce, how I felt hurt that she even wanted to do those things.
After a week or two of thinking, we had a much more rational argument. She outlined that she desired these things, not that she was necessarily going to do them (I think me and her use different language, she said they are fantasies, but I use that to mean something that will never happen, my word is desires, things she actually wants to happen).
We agreed that neither of us has made our mind up about poly, but she is leaning (thanks to her crush) towards yes, she'd like to try. (As in if we had to decide today, she'd say yes lets do it, she still reserved the right to not actually be able to carry through with it). I have the opposite view, if pressed right now, I'd lean towards no, I can't cope with the emotions and feelings it gives me. We're both still open minded and talking about it though.
The problem for me is that the uncertainty of not knowing is causing me serious anxiety, like actual sleeplessness, anxiety attacks and constant worrying.
Secondly, the anxiousness over the poly discussion is affecting our kink life. We went to a play party recently, one where things went well, she played with others out of my sight. For the first time I was able to top some other girls, which helped distract me from worrying about her. however after the event when I asked about one of the things she did, and she was a bit vague, we argued, with her sensing my worry and anxiousness, despite the fact that the play party was fine from my perspective.
Several poly friends have suggested that it might be that I'm envious of my wifes success. I struggle socially sometimes, I'm actually a good socialiser, but I find it takes energy and effort, it doesn't come naturally to me.
I've also tried things like creating an OKCupid profile to see if I can find someone I have a crush on, but I realised very quickly that I don't really want to, I don't have the desire to spend energy, time and effort on building relationships with other girls, I just want to be with my darling love of my life.
Me and my wife have discussed and agreed that our marriage comes first. She has said that if I am not willing to do this, then she wont do it.
However, this is the happiest I've seen her in a while. Spending time and getting attention from others makes her happy. I don't want her to be unhappy so that I can be happy, but equally what is making her happy is making me feel unhappy.
Help me random internet people, you are my only hope
My wife and I have been married for 11 years or so. We're very committed to each other and believe that a marriage and love both require work, not just something that happens to us.
We've always had a reasonable sex life, including a little bit of what I'd call "slap and tickle", maybe a bit of dress up (who's a naughty little girl type thing). A few years ago my wife came to accept that she was bisexual. She was raised in a christian family (and is a christian), and so coming out to them and our friends was a big deal. I think her family was more accepting because this was "bisexual in theory" to them, since she was married to me.
Anyway, about 7 or 8 months ago, some of the sexual slap and tickle requests or conversations made me start thinking she was kinkier than I knew how to cope with and started doing some internet research. I found various BDSM communities and FetLife. Through that we found a local kink community that had regular munches and I convinced my wife to go along (and it took a lot of convincing).
My wife absolutely loved meeting people who were into kink. We also met some people who were poly, in particular a pair of couples who were in long term marriages but also had sexual partners as secondaries. The fact that this existed and worked for them, and several chats with them was fascinating to both my wife and I.
We very quickly went to our first play party, (about 3 weeks after our first munch), and at the first event we/she played with some people, being tied up and being flogged.
This built up a kink relationship between us that has been a lot of fun, exploring and trying lots of things we probably wouldn't have thought of alone.
We've also continued to go to play parties and play. This is where things start to get complicated.
My wife realised that she really likes to play with other people, not just me. This made me very uncomfortable, I didn't like the fact that she wanted to play with others. We argued for a few months about it, trying different things, for example me watching, me talking to her partners before to find out will happen. None of it took away my anxiousness, however as I've watched more kink I've experienced how it's about sensation, power, sensuality but often not sexual itself. That's made me relax a bit and although I still feel uncomfortable when my wife plays with others, I feel like I can cope with that anxiousness and that it'll lessen in time. (It's like uncomfortable, rather than painful).
However, that's not all, no there's more.
As we got to know our poly friends, my wife started us talking about the idea of opening up our marriage. I did what I do, I went away and researched, lurking here, reading online, reading the ethical slut and so forth. I logically can understand poly, and I think I probably agree with the descriptions. I can understand what people talk about with compersion and so forth.
But the emotions of my wife wanting to open our relationship is just too hard for me.
We met a nice man at kink events that we both got on with, and after a fun play session, my wife told me that she had a crush on him. (I'd suspected, I know her pretty well). She said that she would like to play privately with him, including sex, and wanted to have a relationship (like dating, dinners, staying over etc).
I didn't react very well to that, as you might imagine, and in the argument I expressed how I felt worried she'd leave me, how I felt like she'd asked for a divorce, how I felt hurt that she even wanted to do those things.
After a week or two of thinking, we had a much more rational argument. She outlined that she desired these things, not that she was necessarily going to do them (I think me and her use different language, she said they are fantasies, but I use that to mean something that will never happen, my word is desires, things she actually wants to happen).
We agreed that neither of us has made our mind up about poly, but she is leaning (thanks to her crush) towards yes, she'd like to try. (As in if we had to decide today, she'd say yes lets do it, she still reserved the right to not actually be able to carry through with it). I have the opposite view, if pressed right now, I'd lean towards no, I can't cope with the emotions and feelings it gives me. We're both still open minded and talking about it though.
The problem for me is that the uncertainty of not knowing is causing me serious anxiety, like actual sleeplessness, anxiety attacks and constant worrying.
Secondly, the anxiousness over the poly discussion is affecting our kink life. We went to a play party recently, one where things went well, she played with others out of my sight. For the first time I was able to top some other girls, which helped distract me from worrying about her. however after the event when I asked about one of the things she did, and she was a bit vague, we argued, with her sensing my worry and anxiousness, despite the fact that the play party was fine from my perspective.
Several poly friends have suggested that it might be that I'm envious of my wifes success. I struggle socially sometimes, I'm actually a good socialiser, but I find it takes energy and effort, it doesn't come naturally to me.
I've also tried things like creating an OKCupid profile to see if I can find someone I have a crush on, but I realised very quickly that I don't really want to, I don't have the desire to spend energy, time and effort on building relationships with other girls, I just want to be with my darling love of my life.
Me and my wife have discussed and agreed that our marriage comes first. She has said that if I am not willing to do this, then she wont do it.
However, this is the happiest I've seen her in a while. Spending time and getting attention from others makes her happy. I don't want her to be unhappy so that I can be happy, but equally what is making her happy is making me feel unhappy.
Help me random internet people, you are my only hope