Thinking outside the box
What are her choices that would empower her and put her in a position of maybe salvaging her R?
Did you ever notice a couple who was having an affair in your office? This NRE or new relationship energy is very hard to hide from others. (oxytocin high./ adrenalin relationship high when they are in each others presence) Your BF caught you in that high when you were with your new beau. Your BF might translate that to- oh no you don't! I saw you oozing with giddy girl syndrome around him. Oh hell no, he doesn't get to take you away from me.
In any of the books you will see that the R's that survive will have a hierarchy. couple at the top making decisions for the rest of the ppl in the bottom corners. The mistake here is new beau made the decision with you for your R. Bad news, but it can be cleaned up. I hope BF doesn't know that.
Why do I think I was mostly successful? H and I were making decisions for the rest of the R. (mostly I was, empowered with more info, with H in mind)
Reassurance goes a long way to help the R but is short lived, so use the broken record technique with a loving tone.<--
Since your H is feeling really threatened by beau. Seeing the twinkle and new life he brought to the damsel in distress. I will make this suggestion if you can follow through. He is correct to think ruh roh, he is trying to take her away. Most of society would think this.
One suggestion that may be out of the box but not unheard of. If your goal is really to get sex and intimacy with a neat man. You can get soon. If you want to get sex and intimacy with your new beau with more acceptance add more men to the mix. Be a hotwife. I have a mentor who a couple enlisted to basically have sex with his W. (he is unable to but does not want to take away her pleasure of sex) He enlisted my mentor because he is safe. He is in a sexless M where he dearly loves his W. This man doesn't allow his W to see a man more than once a month. (attachment) ETA: She sees a different guy each week, skipping some weeks. Remember I talked about boundaries and rules. So she rotates a few really fine lovers 3-4. It is easier for us women to collect men. Although my mentor has sex and intimacy with 3 lovely sweet women. Has been doing so for many years. Openly. I wish I had gone this direction. I think my H would have been more comfy with this, rather than just one guy for several yrs. I have had 2 separate men because I wanted sex once a week or twice a month. Now MM sees most every week.
How did I reassure H?
I got my opposites in ways and told H that is what I would search for. ETA: I would be searching for my opposite to be less threatening to my H. All the little things do help to reassure H.
He is opposite, politically, and in other ways, business man who travels to me. He is a certain type my H knows I have never gone out with, though he was a model plucked off the streets. (I won't let H see his pics) H does not know he was a model. I looked for a sweet, amenable, touchy feely man who was open to exploring new sensations while mattress dancing. A mix of gentle with some rough manliness. (I had originally started to hang out in a erotica forum, fetish lifestyle forum.) I told myself that was going to be my sex. (watching others in action and dreaming) I was no longer ignoring romantic movie scenes.
I was starving. I told H to have one of his colleges that he trusted to shag me. NOPE. His morning smile melted into a frown of silence. Then one morning without planning. I said Lovey, I am going to step out of the M for sex. ETA: I was shaking in my boots. I felt hot. He said, do and that is where your R will lie. A therapist friend said what did you do? That is very emasculating. I went to therapy to clean it up, best I could. I told H my goal was sex. Only sex. I had no clue how much intimacy I needed. I don't reveal my intimacy needs to H. He knows how I am. I feel it is a burden to his psyche and my own. I asked MM if he could handle me being in love and attached to him, but we each knew our place in the R.
H would always be number one. His W and family and work would always be his number one. He agreed it would be possible to be in love but be someone else's love as well. It was neat to have different men who cared.
H said wait! That is embarrassing what do I tell ppl who see you out with others. I said: "You tell them that you allow me to go out with others for male fellowship as always. That is what you tell them." Only then did H start to accept this more. What will I tell H when he asks about MM again? I will tell him silly, You know I will have several men in my life to get me sex if I can. I can reiterate my boundaries that I have in place with MM.
If your BF is like my H. I would start a search to get the focus of new beau and put it on sex. The search was exhilarating. I got 120 ish responses in a day. Not all quality. Put a phrase in that lets them know they have read your profile. Throw away the others. I told H, I would not be revealing details because it felt weird to me and I did not want to hurt him. If he was gung ho about my finding sex outside. I would have revealed gladly. He mostly lived inside his head in silence, clamming up. Will H be more anxious about this one dude or more anxious about seeking several dudes? You tell us.
Tell H that this Valentine's is much more important to you than others and you need to both plan something extraordinary for each other. Week end trip with intimacy like his and her massage and no sex so he feels safe.
After Christmas and Valentine's day the dating sites are littered with ppl for a reason. They are feeling unwanted and lonely. Ashley Madison gets it biggest boom of the yr. Tell H to spend no less than 5 hrs in prep for Valentine's. You do the same. ETA: Don't fall into the trap of "if he loved me he would" He is incapable of being nurturing right now. He is lost. My H dove into books and ran so much he hurt his knee and needed surgery. Our world was caving in on us temporarily.
Just ideas that may not fit. I think the Poly's and Hotwives can teach us a lot. look them up. Remember that ppl don't reveal all their private sexual rendezvous. Why should we have to? It hurts our mate. I told H I would reveal what I was comfortable with, but mostly I would sooner or later go into hiding as much as I could so I would not hurt him or myself. ETA: I won't reveal all my sexual details and intimacy. Then I went into an underground cheater / philander's forum even though I am open. To make sure I could protect H from having this shoved in his face each week. DADT spared my H a lot of anxiety. Wow, who knew? He wanted to ignore what I was doing as much as he could. Finally, I figured out not to rub it in H's face. That is what he felt I was doing. I was just trying to be honest so he would not worry about me. I even told H I was feeling so uncomfortable that I would lie to not hurt his feelings so don't ask me about certain details, unless he wanted a generic lie. I would not make a good philanderer and I don't feel comfy revealing what I do.
I tried, "hey love, just calling to let ya know I am with my friend at the hotel." It turned into, " okay love. When I say I am going for ice cream, I am uncomfortable and will not be telling you any other details." Which led to "okay love, I am going to the grocery store in the next couple of days. Do you want anything?"
He felt so powerless in this situation that he started telling me no, you can't watch that TV program. No, we are not going to buy that! Lovey, will you do me a favor? "No." He moved out of the master bedroom. I cried and then went and tucked him in at night and just laid with him. MM told me, "oh no, he is feeling helpless. Hope he pulls through." He gradually came out of his terrible 2's and back to being my loving H. He did this off and on for about a yr.
Some will say, that is too much work. Yes, but I had gone over a decade of trying. So another yr of hard work, was a drop in the bucket. I have been with MM for several yrs when I had originally agreed to go 6 mos and check back in to see if we would return to sex.
For me, instead of getting in trouble for an affair. I got in trouble upfront by telling him my intentions. I was getting sex one way or another. Then gradually got better. Nice to be loved in different ways by two men.
If someone knows of other examples of sexless marriages that worked/ didn't. Let me know. Not many models around and sometimes I am lost. I think it is the most lonely feeling in the world, If you show love through intimacy and sex without reciprocation.
If this does not help you maybe it will help someone else.
ETA: an important note is that it took several months to find a neat man after my mentor said: "dump your pen pals and get serious about finding a guy."
This book was one I wanted this year because it rated higher than others 5 star.
http://www.amazon.com/reader/0991399706?_encoding=UTF8&query=don
More Than Two: A practical guide to ethical polyamory Paperback – September 2, 2014
easier said than done. Take what you like and leave the rest. Surely we won't all agree on a path. There is no right or wrong.
What if you set up the appointment and go in alone? Bring him in later. Make sure the therapist is poly friendly. They have a list here. If not, consider doing therapy over the phone if covered. Remember that a therapist will ask him what he wants and respect his wishes after pointing out the consequences for scenarios.
again, this is too lengthy.
I found this in a slow sexless marriage forum
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ep2MAx95m20