Advice On Opening An Existing Relationship

Elizabeth3500

New member
Hi - My name is Elizabeth :)

I have been in a monogamous relationship for 14 years. My boyfriend and I have been having trouble relating to each other sexually for many years. We love each other very much, but he stopped being interested in having sex with me and it became a huge ordeal for me. It made me feel like there was something wrong with me. It has been three years and three months since we had sex. He is simply not interested in sex or close physical affection. Period.

I have been racking my brain for years trying to come up with a solution to the problem, and there were options that I was just not willing to explore. Those being paying someone to have sex with me or picking up some strange guy in a bar. I am just the kind of girl that needs to trust someone before I can enjoy a physical relationship.

Several months ago someone came into our circle of friends that I started to feel an attraction to. He and I have discussed the situation and the fact that I love my boyfriend and I am not interested in leaving him. He is ok with my idea of possibly having a relationship with them both (not at the same time). He is actually the one who brought up polyamory.

My trouble has been in discussing this with my boyfriend. I have tried, and not met much success.

I know that it's a lot to process, but I have tried to be reasonable and let him know how much I genuinely love him - that this is not about leaving him. I am simply to the point of accepting that our sex life is what it is and that I no longer want to pressure him into doing something that he doesn't want to do. I have made us both miserable trying to change his mind in regards to touching me, and I don't want to do that to either one of us any more. That being said, I need a healthy sex life and human physical contact to be happy and mentally healthy.

He said that he understood where I was coming from, and at first he was willing to try. Then he reversed everything and said that he thought he could not abide my decision. He said that he felt hypocritical for being jealous of something that he didn't want.

Now I don't know what to do.

I do not want to end my 14 year relationship with someone I love, but I also do not wish to be celibate for the rest of my life. I have feelings for two people, one who is open to the situation so far, and one that I am trying to come to a compromise with.

Can anyone out there give me any advice at all?

It seems like I have, after so long, found a workable solution to my dilemma, and now I am unabel to pursue it.

Please help!
 
I am sorry you struggle. :(

He said that he understood where I was coming from, and at first he was willing to try. Then he reversed everything and said that he thought he could not abide my decision. He said that he felt hypocritical for being jealous of something that he didn't want.

Let me see if I get all that.... you correct me if I am off base, ok?

  1. At first he is willing to try.
  2. Then he thinks X and feels jealous about it. (What was X? :confused:)
  3. Then he thinks he does not even want sex with you. So he feels hypocritical for being jealous
  4. Now not willing any more. This is his solution for HIM to meet his need of (not feeling yucky or having to process it or work through it. )
  5. Since he understands where you are coming from...What is his proposed solution for YOU and meeting your need for healthy sex life?

It seems like I have, after so long, found a workable solution to my dilemma

Seems like you found an idea to propose, but I'm not hearing what he proposes. What does he propose?

In those shoes? If it were me?

I would tell BF the monogamous agreement no longer fits me. I would tell him gently that I can no longer keep it in good faith because I need to have sex, things between us have been at standstill for years, and I do not want to be celibate for the rest of my life. I love him, but I have to love me too.

Then I would tell him that I would like to stay with him, and I would like to start dating in a month. Give it a month for him to digest and then I start dating the other dude. Be clear with other dude about it all so he knows I'm not cheating on BF.

Ball is now in BFs court. He can think in that month -- either stay with me or break up with me.

I am allowed to end agreements with a heads up when keeping them no longer suit me. What happens after that happens after that. But I'm moving on toward meeting my own needs rather than ignoring I have them.

That's healthier for me regardless of what BF decides. Waiting (3 years and 3 mos) + (1 more month to be decent and to let him digest upcoming change) is more than enough postponing my need for that kind of connection to me.​

But that is me, and you are you. You have to make the call. :eek:

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
Thanks Galagirl - I really appreciate you responding to my post.
It does help to get some feedback.
Getting BF to have a rational discussion is the difficult thing :(
Most of the time I do not know what is going on in his head.
New guy is willing to have a relationship ONLY if there is no cheating or lying, so we are on the same page there.
Having some insight from others will hopefully help me sort this out.
I am trying to truly believe that my needs are important, even in the face of a 14 year relationship.
Once again, thanks!
 
I definitely would not be ok with being celibate for the rest of my life - how you managed for 3 years is beyond me! I agree with GalaGirl. It doesn't look like your boyfriend has proposed any solutions except that things continue on. Since that doesn't work for you, I would tell him that you've decided to date. Then see what happens. I think a month is a good time frame.
 
I had a similar experience as yours with my ex of 12 years. We stopped having any sex life at all for the final five years we were together. I met someone else who I developed feelings for, and even though initially my ex was ok with an "open relationship" concept, things changed when he realized that my new love interest was becoming something more emotionally developed.

Sadly, he was never able to wrap his brain around it, and I ended up making the choice to stay in the sexless marriage in order to make things "work". Big mistake. I ended up losing both.

It sounds like your BF is similar to my ex. It ties directly into his incorrect fear of abandonment, combined with the more damaging thought of being socially ostracized.

My ex and I split apart two years ago, and I although I wasn't specifically looking to get into a poly relationship, I have recently met two men that I am developing the beginning stages of a true triad.

I still don't know if being poly is entirely right for me yet, but I also know that it is worth it to try. I also have a fear of the social stigma, simply because. I have members of my family who will never accept or understand, so sadly for some people I will have to remain in the poly closet if I wish to maintain a relationship with them.

Eventually I hope to overcome these fears...and I hope your BF is capable of doing the same. I hate seeing another truly loving relationship fall apart like mine did, simply because fear and self-doubt.
 
Getting BF to have a rational discussion is the difficult thing

Then could not discuss. Let it go and move on to ACTION. This is not 3 weeks. This is 3 YEARS. Not just 3 years of no sex, but 3 years of no worthwhile problem solving discussions about it.

I have been racking my brain for years trying to come up with a solution to the problem

He sounds checked out to me. Checking out is loving behavior? :(

I am trying to truly believe that my needs are important, even in the face of a 14 year relationship.

Your needs are important to you. Always.

Being selfless is not healthy. (all about the other guy) I think you have been too selfless here for much too long. :(

Being selfish is not healthy. (all about you) You do not sound like that to me.

Self-full is the healthy balanced place in the middle. So your needs are met first and you feel ok, and are not being sucked dry as you help others with their needs as willing and able.

On this one? You sound like you are not willing to continue this way. You sound like you are no longer able to continue this way. In order to meet his need for "no sex."

So... change has to happen. Let the agreement go. State your intention to move on to a new model where he can continue with "no sex" while you move on to date a concurrent partner who is willing to share sex.

Let it be BF's decision if he wants to continue to stay with you in a new non monogamous model so BOTH your needs can be met or if he prefers to bow out as a dating partner and just be friends instead. A friendship model ALSO meets both your needs -- he has no sex, and you can have sex.

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
You do not need your bf's permission to live your life as you see fit. He doesn't own you and he is not your boss. You are an autonomous being who can make your own choices about your life and your sexuality. You both know how the other of you feels about it, now you just have to choose your path and inform him of a it - let the chips fall where they may! You've been as compassionate and considerate as you possibly could be, and your bf has offered nothing in return. He will simply have to decide for himself whether or not he can accept the choices you make. He'll either stay or go, but you need to honor what is right for you.
 
Last edited:
Thanks for the feedback :)

Being about to talk about the situation and getting feedback from voices other than in my own head are incredibly helpful! :)

I had mentally settled on the month timeline myself, though it looks like it is going to stretch out a bit longer.

My BF has actually tentatively agreed to counseling (as he has done in the past and failed to follow through on) and I am waiting to see what progress he makes on contacting anyone. My request occurred on January 1. As of now there has been no attempt at contacting anyone. When I asked about the progress, he told me that he was waiting to see if he was going to get insurance through work. I am basically giving him the month of January to take some kind of action.

That being said, I still want to explore a relationship with my second guy.

I brought up my plan/course of action at the beginning of December with a letter, as I have had so little success in verbal communication with him.

___________________________________

I love you very much.
You are the love of my life and my family.

I have tried to figure out how to have frank discussions with you about sex and affection, and have failed to come up with a way that works. So, I thought that maybe by writing something first - at least I will be able to say what needs to be said, and then maybe we can try a discussion.

This is not about blame and this is not about trying to get you to change.
This is about acceptance of facts and keeping a loving relationship between us.

I believe that I have finally gotten to the point where I accept that our physical relationship is as it will be. I have been fighting and trying to change that for a long time and it has, I believe, made us both quite miserable.

I want you to be happy because I love you and I don't want to put pressure on you to do things that you do not want to do.

That being said, I want (and deserve) to be happy as well, and as things stand (and have stood for quite some time) the situation is not a healthy way for me to maintain any kind of mental well being. I have been letting the situation affect me to the point where I have seen a bitterness grown in me that I do not like - and I don't think you like either. I want to remain an open hearted and loving person - not closed up and hateful.

My most important goal is to have a loving relationship with you. I truly cannot imagine my life without you in it.

Many things have caused me to think lately. Life is a very short thing, youth even more so. Waiting for ideal circumstances or the planets to align properly is a good way to come to the end of your life with many things left undone and many regrets that cannot be changed. I have already reached a stage where I have regrets.

I always wanted to be a wife and mother. I have accepted that this is not my lot.
My life has never seemed to follow a conventional route, so how could I think that those ordinary things would fall into place?

So maybe, just maybe, taking an unconventional route can be something that keeps our relationship together and maybe make us both happier people.

Recently during one of our less than cordial discussions about our issues, you said 'Do you just need to f*ck somebody? Do what you need to do.'
I felt hurt by that at the time. Your anger at my needs was confounding.

I have digested this and I have been thinking about this solution for a long time - years.

I will not pay someone to have sex with me.
I will not pick up a stranger in a bar to have sex with.
It needs to be someone that I trust and it needs to be someone who knows my love for you and my absolute and utter refusal to give you up.

We can talk about my solution in as much or as little detail as you wish.

My goal is to be honest.

This is not about hurting you or getting even with you.
This is not about making you jealous.
This is not about cheating on your or lying.
This is about both of us being happy - happy together - and getting what we need from life.

I love you. My love for you has always been a simple thing. It just is.
I don't want that to change, though I know everything in life is change.
That is why I want to try to change things for the better, so we can move forward into being happier people.
I am hoping that it might just improve things between us.
Me being in a better mood and you being out from underneath my requests have to make things better right?

Please think carefully about what I have said.
Please take into consideration both my love for you and my desire for us to be happy.

Talk to me.

I love you.


________________________________

After he read this, he didn't say much (other than 'it's a lot to take in') but his physical stress patterns were pretty extreme.

When I brought up the subject of insurance and a therapist at the beginning of this week, I was met with defensiveness and was told that I was being condescending.
I apologized and said that it was not how I meant to sound.

Other than brief moments that I ask for information, he is acting like we have no problems, no attempts at discussion, no attempts at trying to change. It's like he is pretending that everything is normal and fine.

I am dismayed.

Monday I will try to talk to him again. I am hesitant to give ultimatums, but I do want him to know that I am going to proceed with my previously stated idea for resolution in February.

I am frankly concerned about his well being. I loath the idea of destroying his peace of mind (and I am worried about his self destructive behavior - another reason I have urged counseling), but my own well being has got to be a priority too.

Uncertainty is always intimidating :(
 
Hi Elizabeth,

I've read through the thread and there has been some great advice already.

In my opinion, the letter you wrote to your BF was fair, loving and productive. You were reassuring, but also clear about your own needs. There is absolutely nothing at all wrong with wanting sexual intimacy with another human being, and there is nothing at all wrong with wanting to keep your BF in your life whilst you seek sexual (and emotional) intimacy with someone else. Good for you for speaking up about your needs after so long.

Your BF is likely to be avoiding therapy because there is something he is clinging on to that he is afraid of - or resisting - changing. If you think about it, him taking that first step to go to therapy is effectively him giving the green light for the polyamory process to move along. He's digging his heels in the ground. It could also be possible that he doesn't feel he needs therapy, that he is fearful about going, that he feels pressured to go, and so on.

You can try to reach him here. You could try to ask him what the underlying reason is for digging his heels in, rather than pointing out that he HASN'T made the call yet. We can begin to feel frustrated if we look at partners' failure to follow through on agreements, whereas we may actually feel a greater sense of empathy and togetherness if we can dig deeper to find out why the agreement isn't being followed. If he won't talk at all, try gently prompting him with a best guess - "Baby, are you feeling pressured by me to go to therapy? Please tell me what's making you feel anxious about it."

If this doesn't work and he refuses to talk, *then* I'd go to the 'ultimatum' place. This isn't a nice place for either of you to be, and I'd tread very carefully. Expressing consequences and boundaries CAN have a positive effect - it can give someone a kick up the backside to take action. But it can also breed resentment if it's expressed harshly.

The other consideration is that many people recommend waiting for 3/6/12 months while transitioning from monogamy to polyamory. You've already been in a sexless relationship for three years, so I doubt it would be realistic for you to take a full year to prepare for polyamory. Essentially, I assume you were given no 'warning' when BF withdrew from you sexually? This is a similar situation, and giving him a month or two to adjust is reasonably fair.
You could wait until March to give it that bit of extra time - for BF to enter therapy, for you to learn about poly, and for your relationship to settle after the shock. However, that's entirely up to you.

In either case, there are things that you can start doing straight away, regardless of your BF's participation or lack thereof. Doing some poly reading, if you haven't already, would be a great start.

Books:
Ethical Slut, Polyamory Roadmaps, More Than Two, Opening Up
Nonviolent Communication (Marshal Rosenberg), Feeling Good Together (Dr David Burns)

Websites:
More Than Two (this was established before the book of the same title), Polyamory Weekly (podcasts)


It sounds to me, based on your letter, that you are very loving with your communication. It also sounds to me, based on your 3 year celibacy, that you are very patient. So, I believe that you will be able to communicate your 'ultimatum' in a loving way, whilst being clear about it. Does he already know that you plan to open up on the 1st February specifically? What is the consequence if he doesn't go to therapy?
 
Great words!

Hi sparklepop - thank you so much for everything you wrote!
Great information for me to chew on.

I actually have Ethical Slut to start reading when I am done with A Return to Love by Marianne Williams :)

As much as I would love to have a date lined up for February 1, I am taking a more organic approach and trying to feel things out and see when I might gently suggest to my BF a simple and early evening date night with my second guy.
Nothing hot and heavy, just me going for a drink and coming home at a relatively early hour. That way we can see how he reacts to me not being at home for a few hours.

I have actually had two dates with my new guy in November - both were sanctioned by my BF (the first time I ACTUALLY SAID - I have a date with X. I am going to have a drink with him for his bday.) and he was ok with them at the time. But that was before I brought up polyamory.

I want to try a date in February some time (mid month-ish??) and try to invoke those two previous occasions that he handled with good humor when I talk to him.

If he doesn't want to try that, I am not really sure what my next step is :p
 
Just want to add something your boyfriend may have overlooked - has he had his testosterone levels checked?

While many people stop having sex after coming to a realization that they are asexual, sometimes there is a physical problem that can be treated. I personally had a male friend whose sex drive came to a halt and he did not know why. He would find himself thinking, "Oh yeah, sex, nice idea," but had no motivation nor interest to pursue getting it on with anyone for a long period of time. Eventually, though, he realized this was a radical shift from how he had been before, and he had a full physical check up. He found out that his testosterone levels were way lower than normal. After he started using a hormonal cream topically, his sex drive came back. Ultimately, he discovered that the drop in testosterone was due to a tumor pressing against the pituitary gland which produces the hormone, and he wound up needing brain surgery (he fully recovered!).

Not to scare you, because that was such a unique situation, but there could be a real medical issue that needs addressing. He may want to check his hormone levels.

Though, I must say, it sounds like he has just given up. He is not willing to do much in the way of being a partner to you, it seems. Sometimes loving someone is just not enough to keep a relationship going. It may be painful for a while, but you will survive if you choose to leave.
 
Last edited:
Hi Elizabeth,

Re (from OP):
"I do not want to end my 14-year relationship with someone I love, but I also do not wish to be celibate for the rest of my life."

Alas, I'm not sure you can meet both of those objectives. You might have to choose.

The closest thing I can think of to a solution is to go ahead with the poly relationship, and if your monogamous partner decides to leave you over it, well, that's his choice.

The one other thing you could do (that I can think of) is start seeing (preferably as a couple) a poly-friendly therapist. Maybe, with some digging, some of your monogamous partner's issues can be dismantled.

Unfortunately, your boyfriend isn't following through on getting a therapist. What about the idea of you looking for a therapist, then after you find one, seeing if he's willing to go to that therapist with you?

Sorry I don't have many ideas, compared to the many good suggestions that others have posted (and I thought the letter you gave you boyfriend was awesome). Sure, take it slow; maybe if you just date this new guy a little at a time, your boyfriend will be able to stand it.

And yeah, have him get his testosterone levels checked if he's willing.
 
Testosterone

Hi nycindie - yes, my BF went to the doc and his testosterone levels were low. Doc prescribed injections (which I gave him - yikes!), but after a couple of weeks he just wasn't interested in doing it any more. He just said he didn't feel any different :(

I love him, but I tuly need human contact - that is why I have thought exploring an additional relationship might work. I just don't know if BF can handle the issue of jealousy. He wasn't jealous of my platonic dates, but now that he knows I want more with my second guy his brain has shifted. I try really hard not to be angry about him feeling possessive of me sexually when he wants no intimate contact. I know there is so much more to it, but sometimes it really irks me :p

I have been patient for so long - so I am TRYING to go about things gradually and let things happen as they will.

I am trying to stay grounded in the present moment. :)
 
Again, to me he seems checked out. Not just out of the relationship but even his own health care. Has he been seen for depression?

His jealousy? You are not going out of your way to provoke him. And you would be giving him a heads up that you can no longer keep monogamous agreement so you are not cheating. Could this help any?

http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/images/Jealousy_Updated_10-6-10.pdf

Everyone has a limit of tolerance. To me you sound like you are at yours.

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
Well, it's like you said. If he's not interested in you sexually, then he doesn't really have a right to possess you sexually. (He wouldn't have that right anyway, but that's a whole 'nother topic.)
 
Tried Communicating Again

Ok, so I tried to start a discussion with my BF again last night. Just a quick, light "so did you hear back from human resources?" Response - "no. I forgot."

:(

I just kind of said, "oh, ok." And then I tried to figure out how to get more words going between us. I have a problem of knowing when he is done talking, so during his pause, I will start to say something - which makes him really mad and sarcastic. He always says that if I didn't interrupt him all the time he would be able to make his points.

I tried to be loving and ask if he was feeling pressured by me to go to counseling, but his snappishness basically hurts and ended up making me tear up. I have a very hard time not getting emotional about all of this, and his response to my tears is anger.

Finally I just told him that I was frustrated because I couldn't tell if he legitimately is forgetting to do things, or if he is doing it on purpose. That I can't tell if he actually wants to do anything to resolve our conflict. That it's the third week of January now and it appears that everything that has happened and everything that we have said never occured.

He said he was in the middle of a chore, and if I wanted to continue the conversation I could follow him to the basement. I did and waited for him to speak. He did not. I waited and watched him clean out the freezer. I had work to do so I just went back upstairs and cried. I could hear him yell 'You have got to be f*cking kidding me!'

I took a shower and settled into the office to work. He came upstairs and said, 'So I guess the reason you came upstairs and started wailing is because we didn't talk. I said come downstairs to continue the discussion and you didn't.'

I told him that I simply don't know how to talk to him.

Needless to say, I did not bring up my wish to see my new guy in February some time.

I am feeling really discouraged and blue. I want to move forward with trying to make things better, and it seems like the only thing my BF wants is to sit on the couch and watch tv, and as long as I am sitting there (on the far side of the couch) and not trying to have a serious conversation everything is just great.

I seriously feel like curling up in a ball and retreating from everything and everybody and saying f*ck it.

I am lonely and I am tired of expending so much energy trying to stay positive, trying to do research and read and learn and try to make plans and come up with solutions.

I am finding it really hard to keep a smile on my face today.
 
I am lonely and I am tired of expending so much energy trying to stay positive, trying to do research and read and learn and try to make plans and come up with solutions.

To me he is checked out. He isn't relating with you at all. Not sexually for three years. I am not sure how much out of the 14 years he's been not communicating too.

I wonder where your limit of tolerance is... You sound seriously unhappy participating here where you are unappreciated. Maybe you could become more willing to stop putting so much energy in.

I wonder if you have considered breaking up and moving on without him for his lack of participation/interest in sharing a healthy relationship and expecting you to carry the bulk of it and just... Lump it.

I think the only healthy one sided relationships are with newborns.... Who outgrow it. And with eldercare patients who are on the checking out end. They will not outgrow it, but there will be a different kind of release.

Here i think you have no release but what you give yourself.

It is pretty weird to me that he values cleaning the freezer more than your well being or doing his share of continuing the conversation to arrive at understanding.

Maybe he doesn't want understanding or changes. It sounds like he is happy with you carrying him and he feels inconvenienced when he sees you upset over the imbalance. Like... Why aren't you happy this way? He is happy enough this way... That ought to mean you are too. Seems kinda selfish and sucking you dry.


Have you thought about ending this dynamic? :(
Are you in the bargaining stages of grief on your way to accepting you might have to think about that?

I cannot quite tell what your desired outcome is or where you are at.

In any case... I do see you hurt. I am very sorry you are dealing in this and struggle. :(

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
Hi Elizabeth,

Is there a way you could get a rest from all this stress? I feel like you could use some one-on-one time with a therapist, but maybe that's impossible until your boyfriend contacts human resources?

Sometimes when you're always the strong one, the one who always gives, you wish you could take a turn being the weak one who takes. I hear your pain and frustration and I wish I could help you.

Communication is a two-person process. You can't pull the whole train by yourself.
 
Trying to keep it together

Hi Galagirl -
Yes, I have tried to wrap my head around breaking up with him. I know that saying it's complicated is cliche :) He has been my friend for over 20 years (I'm 41) and we have been together for 15 and living together for 9?? It get's fuzzy as he lived out of country for work for several years.

Our relationship was the first instance where I felt true deep love for someone and felt truly loved in return. Before that was some awfulness. He is a deep part of my life and to sever that is a truly daunting idea. That is why I have tried to bring up the possibility of poly with him, because I want to keep and enrich our relationship without my needs becoming a stress point for both of us. He makes me laugh and I love him.

Separating would also be a major financial strain on both of us as well :( I have saved and set aside some money just in case of that coming about.

I also worry about his destructive behavior and I am worried about how it will affect his binge drinking. One of the reasons for me suggesting counseling (not just couples counseling) was for him to get help to cope with alcohol and the depression and anxiety that have seemed to plague him over the last year+.

Plus, he broke his ankle a couple of months ago and had plates and pins put in, so he has been recovering from that and is not yet self sufficient :(

I am truly lonely and trying not to let myself fall into despondency.

It is in my nature to withdraw, but I don't want to isolate myself even more.

Since the original 'discussion' we no longer have our friends (all boys) over to the house for dinner (basically my only friend interaction time), because my new guy is one of our circle of friends that always would come over together. BF tried a couple of times to be around all of us together - last time being Christmas day. That didn't go so well. He said my new guy acted cool, but that I light up when he is in the room and he wouldn't be around that again. How do I control that?

It makes me sad, because I love it when we hang out together. That and I miss my friends.

I am genuinely tired and would love a break kdt :) There are simply not enough hours in the day to get everything done. And more stuff just keeps getting added to the pile. That's life right?? I'm just trying really hard not to let it break me right now :p

It makes me miss my new guy a lot. Whenever I have gotten to spend time with him it's like stepping into a circle of calm. No demands, no drama. I can just be me. A hug from him is as good as a 3 hour nap.

I am trying so hard to stay hopeful and not just give up on everything that is important to me, but sometimes I am so weary of everything that it almost doesn't seem worth it.
 
He said my new guy acted cool, but that I light up when he is in the room and he wouldn't be around that again. How do I control that?

Control WHAT? I am not sure what you mean.

1) That your BF doesn't care to be around to see you happy?

He can not be there then. You can go out to meet your social needs elsewhere rather than have people come over. Make plans to see your friends somewhere else. Stop shelving your social needs.​

2) That you seem to expect you to go without happy so your BF can stay comfortable in a one sided relationship where he is the beneficiary and you are the put out one?

You could change your expectation. You could expect you to do behaviors that make you feel happy and expansive rather than do behaviors that are shrinking you/your world down and make you feel sad/lonely.​

I mean this kindly ok? :eek:

But I think you could be letting past fuzzy feelings cloud your present thinking. He may have been wonderful in the PAST.

But in PRESENT day life he is not doing much for you or the relationship. Could base TODAY decisions on TODAY stuff. Not on old memories of PAST stuff. I could be wrong but so far I'm hearing this kind of stuff for the TODAY in your posts:


  • Not interested in participating in or promoting healthy relating between you two:
    • not willing to sort out sex problems
    • Badgers you for feeling or expressing "not happy" around him
    • Doesn't want to see you "happy" either.
    • Will not do two-way communication. Is avoidy or badgers with the goal of discouraging future attempts at conversation. Will not have rational conversations.
    • demands
    • drama
  • Not interested in doing anything about his self care/health management for himself:
    • Destructive behavior
    • Alcohol problems
    • depression problems.
    • anxiety problems
    • not following through / you suspect "forgetting" like a passive aggressive move
    • snappish
    • not willing to take his testosterone shots

As a result of you choosing to continue to participate in a one sided relationship here where you are unfed...
  • you are lonely and on the verge of despondent.
  • You are angry he is sexually possessive of you even though he doesn't want to share sex with you.
  • You are genuinely tired and there are not enough hours in the day to do everything that gets shoved on your plate to carry (i.e.: burning out)

To me this seems like you having a case load and not like you having a healthy relationship with BF. :(

I am glad to hear you have set up savings in case a split has to happen. I'd consider working on that some more... just in case. Because to me it doesn't sound like things are going to change for the better here unless you decide you have had enough of it and step away to change it for just you. That is behavior YOU can control. Do more of your self care. Rather than postponing it.

Right now you seem to be urgently trying to get him to assume personal responsibility over fixing his share of the load and he just... won't. He is content to keep piling it on your plate and for you to cary it all. That isn't very loving behavior. I think you know it but you want to keep thinking of him as "loving" toward you. So you are experiencing internal conflict over that.

I don't know how long you go on that track before hitting final acceptance that he just will not participate fairly, and you cannot make him. :(

Have you thought about "how long do I put up with this before I call it quits" in a way you can articulate? What are you benchmarks?

If being with the new BF is like stepping into a circle of calm... what makes you unwilling to reach for that and let the wacky stuff go so you can heal in the long term? What could change to make you more willing to care for you better?

What are the blocks?
  • unwilling to deal in short term ugh like a break up in order to get to better long term health?
  • unwilling to work toward untangling finances to become more ABLE to leave?
  • Thinking that you have to keep investing otherwise it "will have been all for nothing?"
  • Unwillingness to measure this on TODAY terms?
  • Unwillingness to define the point is "better to cut my losses than keep investing" for fear that you are already past it?
  • Some combo thing or something else is the block?

I feel for you. I really do. I just think that you could use more support. It is hard to see/think clearly when you are feeling despondent. :(

But I do think that feeling of despondency is a major alarm bell ringing loudly that you could answer rather than ignore. You could better address your own self care instead of focussing on his.

I strongly suggest you get a counselor to help you think and sort through all this stuff so you can arrive at better health -- no longer lonely, no longer despondent, no longer angry, no longer exhausted and burning out.

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
Back
Top