New and Needing some Advice

Sireth

New member
Hello,

I'm going to apologize in advance since this is going to be a long post.

I think I might be getting myself into a mess. I have two best friends that I'm very close to, and they are married to each other. So the three of us hanging out if very normal. Hanging can often includes some drinking, and sometimes getting rather tipsy or drunk. Well, a few weeks ago I decided that I wanted my best friend to know that I’m bi, I was nervous but she was awesome and was just like “OK, and I totally saw this coming.” which was great. well we all hung out recently and had a fun time and got close to drunk and my bestie started to be more forward than usual. See, she usually get’s a little grabby when tipsy or drunk, and boob grabbing totally happens and neither of us has cared, it’s usually just funny and being silly. But this time around she admitted to me how she thinks everyone is a little bi, and that she herself is definitely into women sometimes.

She has another thing she does which ask her husband, my other best friend, about where the line would be if we got up to naughty stuff. Again nothing new really but that was before I was out about my orientation and she was really giving some in depth examples to her hubby of what we could do and would he care or stop us. Another thing is this conversation all continued after she found out that I had a crush on both her and her hubby before they were together at one point. Considering she’s sometimes an easily jealous women she seemed very at ease and didn’t care about the crushes. I’m just feeling lost and worried that this is just tipsy best friend speech and that all of it is a joke or game to her and that I’m reading into it as something else, or that there's a potential for a poly-amorous relationship. Which I’m very open to and she doesn’t really know that either.

I don’t know how to talk about it to her, either about what’s actually up or what she’s thinking, without possibly ruining or losing a friendship that is so important to me. I just want to know what I should do, but it feels like there’s no good path to take for this. Over all I'm trying to figure out what would be the best and safest course of action to figure out if there's something else going on than just silly teasing or not. And if the best course is to never mention and just leave it be than so be it. I really don't want to make our relationship awkward or lose it all together.

Any advice out there?
 
Very true, and it's why I tried to be careful with how I responded in the moment since I knew she was impaired. I'm just unsure on how to, or if I even should talk to her, about what's going on or if anything is going on.
 
I can empathise! I had a friend some years ago that would frequently flirt with me and try to make out with me occasionally while drinking. I really liked her and would have been interested in dating but I wasn't sure how to interpret her drunken advances. Like you, I could just as easily imagine this was just playful games that only made sense when impaired or perhaps she was actually open to intimacy even when sober. I never figured it out then... I pretty much would run away from those situations at parties as I didn't want to mess up our friendship.

Looking back, I could have maybe been upfront with her, maybe in a drinking situation but while still relatively sober (so she wouldn't forget the conversation!) and say - so I've noticed you flirting with me a bit when you're drunk... I don't know how serious you mean it but I would be open to hooking up with you, but not just as a casual drunken encounter. If you're into it too we should talk some other time when we're both sober.

Not sure if that would have helped clarify anything though... but at least it would a way of revealing my interest and leaving it open for them to respond if they wanted to.

I'd say be cautious of reading too much into other people's signals when they are impaired, especially if you have hopes/dreams yourself!
 
Hello Sireth,

Perhaps the thing to do is to tell her, "I am interested in more than just flirting with both of you, if that is something you want. But I don't want to do anything that would jeopardize our friendship. Our friendship means a lot to me." This way she knows both your wants and priorities. Of course this is something to tell her while everyone is sober.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I certainly feel I should talk to her to clear things up, and I definitely need to do it in a non imbibing type of environment. Getting the courage to actually do so is another thing, but I hope to start by asking her about when she says and does things tipsy if that's her just playing around or if there's some merit to her teasing. And then based on her response continuing our discussion. Does this sound like a good plan? I'm really not use to not being able to bounce ideas off of her and her hubby, so I was at at total loss on who to talk to and really appreciate having found this very friendly forum. Thank you all for the advice so far! ^-^
 
I think you have the right idea. :)
 
My first reaction: IMO, no. Just no. It's one spark away from a dumpster fire.

If you're interested primarily in just sex, & don't particularly mind not being totally present in the experience (& likely forgetting a lot of it), then get totally gassed up & do whatever. It might cost you your friendship, but no big deal. And if one of you gets emotionally attached, the other can simply say, "hey, it was the liquor talking!! I'm not into that sort of thing!!"

:rolleyes:

If you're going to start down this path AT ALL, then begin by unpacking all the Romantic B.S. you've got wadded together.

Firstly, are you interested in HER, or in inserting yourself into THEM? Are you going to be FWBs or buy a house together?

And though you talk extensively about HER, you mention HIM only a few times, generally in passing. This does suggest that maybe his opinion doesn't matter -- y'know, he's a guy, & easily led around by the prospect of a threeway.

Are you "bi" as in "it seems like a nice idea" or "I once had a one-nighter" or "I've got a girlfriend"?

Even in the best of circumstances, getting intimate (not necessarily sex) with someone doesn't always work out -- that is just how it goes, & VERY FEW people spend the rest of their lives tethered to the first person they go to the movies with. Rather than admit it's a non-starter, many people will cling for dear life & talk themselves into ignoring fundamental problems.

Flirting with an interesting stranger is MUCH different from flirting with a friend, because (whether you like it or not) in the latter case there is history between you, & intimacy WILL both be affected by that history AND will affect the subsequent unrolling of that past into the future.

What happens if the sex is really hot BUT the dates become all about the sex? Is everyone good with that? Conversely, what if the sex isn't great for all three of you?
 
I guess I didn't really make it clear but no, this isn't just about the sex. And I most definitely don't want a just friends with benefits deal, but an actual relationship. I talk about her more than him because at least when tipsy she's the one to make any sort of advances, and while he certainly doesn't discourage or say anything against he doesn't include himself either. I am unsure if it's because he's not as interested, which is possible or if he's just being smart and not doing anything that could cause his wife to be upset. As I mentioned, she's possessive sometimes. And I'm certainly more comfortable and close to her, although their both important to me.

And as for being Bi, it's not a "oh that sounds interesting." sort of phase. I've been attracted to both men and women probably since junior high, but only fully acknowledged the attracted to women part in the last year or so. Religious up bringing kind of messed with that for a while.

And any of this costing me my friendship is a huge deal, that's why I'm asking for advice. If I feel that never talking to them about it and just keeping them as my best friends for the rest of my life then I will. I would rather do that then risk making them uncomfortable or upset to the point that it hurts what we have. I could live with just friends if that's what happens.

I also will admit I don't quiet understand what you're trying to say in the last bit of your post. It seems that you might have misunderstood that these are not some recent friends I made, or that a quick kinky something isn't what I'm after? They've been married for several years, and I was friends with both before they even met each other. As for the dates we almost already do that but it's not romantic in anyway, which I personally feel dates to need to be. But none the less we hand out casually and without drinking rather often. She just becomes much more "friendly" I guess when she's tipsy.

:confused: If I'm misunderstanding what you were trying to say, or if I didn't clarify something very well please let me know. Thank you for your input though.
 
I think it is okay to tell her that you are attracted to her, while emphasizing that her friendship with you is what matters to you the most. I could be wrong, but this seems reasonably safe to me.
 
Calletrento

And I was in Junior High about 13 years ago. Wow, that math took me so much longer than it probably should have.
 
I'm 27, the husband is 29, and his wife 25. They don't have any kids, but I know she wants them. They're waiting until he finishes school, which will be about 4 or so more years.
 
If I'm misunderstanding what you were trying to say, or if I didn't clarify something very well please let me know.
No, that's likely on me right now -- illness sucks. :eek:

My impression is that you are an intelligent person, able to "take a step back" from your situation & review it with some objectivity. You seem to be somewhat blinded by a flurry of possibilities, both disastrous & wonderful. Set these firmly in some sort of order, & your path ought to be much clearer.

For instance, if your friendships are clearly more important than a vague Romantic sexual obsession, then focus on your friendship. Don't blow everything up on a wild long-shot gamble.

(And though Kevin's advice isn't unsound, my suggestion would be to NOT mention your attraction to her/them. That's fishing, "yeah, I'd like to strip you naked right here, ha-ha, aren't I silly?" & potentially passive-aggressive. If you decide to pursue it, then take the bull by the horns & pursue it rather than volleying the responsibility onto others.)

And while it's good that you were able to identify as bisexual, your friend's "interest" in you seems somewhat passive-aggressive, particularly as a running theme. This seems to be her fishing for attention from you, yet leaving herself an "out" (that you misinterpreted her intentions). Some people believe that "bi" (like "poly") is the same thing as "will fuck anyone," so this might need to be either explicitly cleared, or (if that's too uncomfortable for you) stepped back from.

(I've noticed over the years that straight women seem to think it's "cute" to paw bi women & throw sexual innuendo at them in a way they'd say was at least disrespectful to straight women & lesbians. It's like a weird sort of PC sexism.)

Clearly, booze is potentially causing problems, lowering inhibitions a bit much AND a bit regularly, so maybe you're saying you should avoid drunkenness. The three of you seem to be heading to a point where you get gassed up & "accidentally" fall naked in bed together -- my suggestion is to either DO IT or DON'T DO IT rather than setting up the "accident."

I was part of a poly-centric community where most of us were experienced with multiple relationships. There was a blessed minimum of beating around the bush & "hinting" & all that nonsense. A person could simply say "I'm interested" & not get all weird if it wasn't immediately taken up, & the recipient wouldn't feel pressured; if it got pursued, & initial explorations didn't pan out, they'd go back to being friends, albeit with a new shared experience between them. (Well, mostly; I don't want to give the impression we were all saints, all the time. :rolleyes:)

If you are interested in polyamory, this is a good point at which to begin. Clear the air. IMO, it seems high time to sit down (without alcohol!) & ask "okay, what the heck is going on here?" You might start with self-disclosure & restatement: "Yes, at one time I had a crush on each of you -- of course, I also had crushes on ten other people, so there ya go." State what you're interested in (if anything) & that there's no timetable. Or, if you choose to take the "friendship preservation" path, you need to draw some boundaries, starting with an end to the passive-aggressive "flirting" & the grabbing, & that you'll need to back up a bit if it continues.

Once the situation is all laid out, & everyone's had opportunity to ask initial questions, part company for a while (days, at least). Your friend might freak out & want to run away from the idea (touching/being touched by a naked woman AND sharing her husband AND doing so repeatedly :eek:) or freak out & want to leap into the deep end, either way "freak out" being (assuming she's a rational adult) something SHE has to resolve.

The three of you apparently have no experience with nonmonogamy. If you go that direction there is a LOT of stuff you NEED to learn, & I do mean ALL OF YOU. If you do the homework, there's a chance your friendships AND their marriage will survive the experience.
 
Ok, and thank you. That does make a lot of sense and I certainly think the first step I need to make is figuring out boundaries and intentions. I usually don't mind playful, no actual intention flirting with her. It's pretty normal even when not affected by any sort of substance. I just found this latest instance to be very confusing since we had just had a talk before hand, sober, where I told her my orientation, and then later after her questioning that I had crushes on them both at some point.
But it's good to keep in mind that some people do mess with and I think unintentionally pull on the feeling of people, specifically bi people. I honestly don't think she means to, but considering that the forward behavior is strongest and only outright talked about when tipsy or more by her that that's very possibly the case. Thank you all for the advice, it is greatly appreciated. And I am so glad I found this forum for some help.
 
I honestly don't think she means to, but considering that the forward behavior is strongest and only outright talked about when tipsy or more by her that that's very possibly the case.

I used to do this sh*t when I was around your age - I suppose that's why I asked your ages. There was so much I wanted but had nowhere near the maturity to explore in full, so I flirted around the edges for many years. As Ravenscroft rightly says, successful nonmongamy requires quite a bit of education - and I would add: experience. I recall a lot of flirting and fumbling at nonmongamy and bisexuality among my twenty-something peers, but when it came to family forming, most of us paired off for the child rearing. Pre-baby poly is very different than post-baby poly.
 
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