My husband and I have had an open marriage for 4.5 years, and have been dating individually for three years. I'm mostly straight, although heteroflexible. I have had a few good relationships, but I repeatedly run into problems with the early stages of dating men. I primarily meet people through online dating, and I make it clear that I am not looking for purely sexual relationships.
However, I repeatedly run into the problem that, even if a connection seems solid and based in intellectual and emotional connections, the relationship seems to become more and more about sex for the guy. I've had a few connections where we text frequently, have a lot in common, and have enjoyable dates, but after the first couple of dates, the texts become mostly just plans for our next date, and/or sexual in content. I become less satisfied with the relationship as a result, but I feel like it's too early in the relationship to have a big talk.
These men are typically single men who are seeing other women as well, which of course is not a problem from a poly perspective, but I feel like it interferes with developing a deeper, more meaningful connection. However, I obviously can't ask anyone to be monogamous with me until a connection develops.
I feel like asking on a second or third date "where do you see this going?" or similar questions is offputting and unsettling. I'm not sure how to navigate these situations and give fledgling relationships the best chance of developing. It seems like I might work on improving my own conduct/communication/signals in these types of relationships, but I have no idea what I'm doing wrong or what i could be doing better. I try not to text too frequently, for example (I think that used to be a problem for me), but I'm not sure what else might help.
For what it's worth, there aren't a lot of poly folk in my community, and lots of people I know here who identify as "poly" are actually just looking for no strings attached sex.
Any thoughts or advice would be welcome.
However, I repeatedly run into the problem that, even if a connection seems solid and based in intellectual and emotional connections, the relationship seems to become more and more about sex for the guy. I've had a few connections where we text frequently, have a lot in common, and have enjoyable dates, but after the first couple of dates, the texts become mostly just plans for our next date, and/or sexual in content. I become less satisfied with the relationship as a result, but I feel like it's too early in the relationship to have a big talk.
These men are typically single men who are seeing other women as well, which of course is not a problem from a poly perspective, but I feel like it interferes with developing a deeper, more meaningful connection. However, I obviously can't ask anyone to be monogamous with me until a connection develops.
I feel like asking on a second or third date "where do you see this going?" or similar questions is offputting and unsettling. I'm not sure how to navigate these situations and give fledgling relationships the best chance of developing. It seems like I might work on improving my own conduct/communication/signals in these types of relationships, but I have no idea what I'm doing wrong or what i could be doing better. I try not to text too frequently, for example (I think that used to be a problem for me), but I'm not sure what else might help.
For what it's worth, there aren't a lot of poly folk in my community, and lots of people I know here who identify as "poly" are actually just looking for no strings attached sex.
Any thoughts or advice would be welcome.