Navigating Early Stages of Poly Dating

beeswing

New member
My husband and I have had an open marriage for 4.5 years, and have been dating individually for three years. I'm mostly straight, although heteroflexible. I have had a few good relationships, but I repeatedly run into problems with the early stages of dating men. I primarily meet people through online dating, and I make it clear that I am not looking for purely sexual relationships.

However, I repeatedly run into the problem that, even if a connection seems solid and based in intellectual and emotional connections, the relationship seems to become more and more about sex for the guy. I've had a few connections where we text frequently, have a lot in common, and have enjoyable dates, but after the first couple of dates, the texts become mostly just plans for our next date, and/or sexual in content. I become less satisfied with the relationship as a result, but I feel like it's too early in the relationship to have a big talk.

These men are typically single men who are seeing other women as well, which of course is not a problem from a poly perspective, but I feel like it interferes with developing a deeper, more meaningful connection. However, I obviously can't ask anyone to be monogamous with me until a connection develops.

I feel like asking on a second or third date "where do you see this going?" or similar questions is offputting and unsettling. I'm not sure how to navigate these situations and give fledgling relationships the best chance of developing. It seems like I might work on improving my own conduct/communication/signals in these types of relationships, but I have no idea what I'm doing wrong or what i could be doing better. I try not to text too frequently, for example (I think that used to be a problem for me), but I'm not sure what else might help.

For what it's worth, there aren't a lot of poly folk in my community, and lots of people I know here who identify as "poly" are actually just looking for no strings attached sex.

Any thoughts or advice would be welcome.
 
However, I obviously can't ask anyone to be monogamous with me until a connection develops.

Wait, why are you asking them to be monogamous with you? Are you planning on being monogamous with just them?
 
I wasn't clear

No, I'm not asking anyone to be monogamous with me at all, at any point. What I meant to say was that I can't ask anyone to be temporarily monogamous in order for a better connection to develop, even though I suspect one thing that makes it difficult for a connection to develop is spreading oneself too thin.
 
Yes, I hate poly people that spread themselves too thin. Men get all horndog and thinking they are this big alpha dude who can satisfy a harem, and yet none of "their" women are truly happy, feel valued or satisfied.

This is a big problem with poly people. Maybe some women are that way too, not sure. But women are more sensitive (in general) to others' needs, better communicators, and make better hinges. Men (can tend to) just go bashing around seducing and fucking and NRE addicted. Always on to the new and shiny.
 
Ah, gotcha. I think that if they aren't willing to devote time to get to know you, then they aren't what you are looking for. I am usually really upfront about what I need from a dating partner, right from the get-go. I'm poly so I am not looking exclusivity, but I tell them how much time I need. If they aren't willing to give that time, then it won't work for me. I would try to figure out how much that necessary time is for you, and then articulate that.
 
Ah, gotcha. I think that if they aren't willing to devote time to get to know you, then they aren't what you are looking for. I am usually really upfront about what I need from a dating partner, right from the get-go. I'm poly so I am not looking exclusivity, but I tell them how much time I need. If they aren't willing to give that time, then it won't work for me. I would try to figure out how much that necessary time is for you, and then articulate that.

It's good to ask and see if you're on the same page, but.... some men will say anything to get into your pants. And sometimes it can take many months for their true agenda to become apparent. But that's dating for you.:rolleyes:
 
Ah, gotcha. I think that if they aren't willing to devote time to get to know you, then they aren't what you are looking for. I am usually really upfront about what I need from a dating partner, right from the get-go. I'm poly so I am not looking exclusivity, but I tell them how much time I need. If they aren't willing to give that time, then it won't work for me. I would try to figure out how much that necessary time is for you, and then articulate that.

How do I figure out what that time is? I'm thinking a date every week or two is enough, as long as there is also contact otherwise through texting, email, whatever, in between. But I'm not sure how to quantify that, or if I even know what I need. How do you characterize your needs?
 
How do I figure out what that time is? I'm thinking a date every week or two is enough, as long as there is also contact otherwise through texting, email, whatever, in between. But I'm not sure how to quantify that, or if I even know what I need. How do you characterize your needs?

For me, I just try to think of what my bare minimum would be. And for me, that's 2 dates a week with no gap of more than 3 days apart. I need physical touch to feel connected to a partner, and when there is a time lapse, for whatever reason, I get unhappy. I need a couple of texts a day, at least a good morning and a good night, but hopefully more than just that. I'm not a low-maintenance girl when it comes to contact. That's for a primary relationship though. If we're talking just a friends with benefits or a casual play partner, that answer would change.

some men will say anything to get into your pants. And sometimes it can take many months for their true agenda to become apparent.

Oh hell yes. But, well, you do the best that you can to figure out if you're dealing with a dirtbag or not and hope for the best.
 
It sounds like guys who just haven't been all that interested, which doesn't mean you have done anything wrong. But at least in my experience if a guy is romantically really into me, they are pretty obvious about it. And I tend to like guys who are somewhat more demonstrative, communicative, and affectionate anyhow. So if they are just lukewarm to me after a handful of dates, I will stop reaching out to them and just fade away unless they make a more concerted effort.

If it seems like it is an early budding connection but they are just doin it wrong, ya can help them along a little.... like they send you a text that seems more like a booty call, ya can suggest getting dinner beforehand. Ya can send flirty non-sexual texts sometimes to say you are thinking of them or something reminded you of them. If they don't reply back in kind and get the hint to start initiating some on their own, they either aren't interested or haven't figured out dating yet at all.

You can be a bit more direct after a few dates if that's easier, just ask "so are you just looking for something more casual?" instead of "where is this going?!?!" And if they seem confused or wonder why you aren't replying to them very often just say "oh, you didn't seem very interested". I am happy to pursue a guy equally, but if they aren't pursuing me at all its a major red flag that they aren't very into me and I should just move along without investing much time or energy.
 
For me, I just try to think of what my bare minimum would be. . . . Oh hell yes. But, well, you do the best that you can to figure out if you're dealing with a dirtbag or not and hope for the best.

This is really helpful. Thanks. I will give that some thought and consider just laying that out there.

For what it's worth, I don't necessarily think these guys are dirtbags. I think a lot of guys have a hard time wrapping their heads around the idea that a relationship with a married woman can be more than sex. :rolleyes:
 
It sounds like guys who just haven't been all that interested, which doesn't mean you have done anything wrong. But at least in my experience if a guy is romantically really into me, they are pretty obvious about it. And I tend to like guys who are somewhat more demonstrative, communicative, and affectionate anyhow. So if they are just lukewarm to me after a handful of dates, I will stop reaching out to them and just fade away unless they make a more concerted effort.

If it seems like it is an early budding connection but they are just doin it wrong, ya can help them along a little.... like they send you a text that seems more like a booty call, ya can suggest getting dinner beforehand. Ya can send flirty non-sexual texts sometimes to say you are thinking of them or something reminded you of them. If they don't reply back in kind and get the hint to start initiating some on their own, they either aren't interested or haven't figured out dating yet at all.

You can be a bit more direct after a few dates if that's easier, just ask "so are you just looking for something more casual?" instead of "where is this going?!?!" And if they seem confused or wonder why you aren't replying to them very often just say "oh, you didn't seem very interested". I am happy to pursue a guy equally, but if they aren't pursuing me at all its a major red flag that they aren't very into me and I should just move along without investing much time or energy.

I feel like I need to print this out and read it several times a day until I internalize it. I think I shy away from this approach, however, because I have this idea (probably misguided, I guess) that someone who starts out thinking this can be nothing but casual might realize that it can be more.

For example, I just had a fourth date with a guy. He and I have a ton in common, have a great time together, and a fantastic rapport. It's never just sex--we always have dinner and some other activity--last night I gave him a painting lesson after dinner, which was really fun. I think we really like each other. If I asked him "are you just looking for something casual?" I think he would say yes. But I think there's more of a connection there, and potential for it to develop, and I feel like overthinking it or pushing him to define it could kill that possibility. He's on the younger side, and just out of a serious monogamous relationship about 2 months ago. Am I just being overly naive/romantic/optimistic/hopeful?
 
This is a big problem with poly people. Maybe some women are that way too, not sure. Always on to the new and shiny.

The woman I opened up my marriage to be with identified as "polyamorous," it was from her I first heard the word. However, she wasn't capable of actually loving anyone, it was all about the chase and having lots of people to give her attention. I've also noticed this tendency in a platonic female friend of mine who is nonmonogamous. She lets her old relationships fall apart once a new one comes along. Not a strictly male phenomena at all.

@beeswing, I've definitely felt the same frustration you've described. I haven't dated any truly "poly" men, there aren't any appealing candidates in my area, so it's been single men, most who are not used to my way of thinking. They seem to automatically assume nonmonogamous="casual" and ghost whenever I try to make it something more. Then again, I think that happens in the monogamous single world as well.
 
For example, I just had a fourth date with a guy. He and I have a ton in common, have a great time together, and a fantastic rapport. It's never just sex--we always have dinner and some other activity--last night I gave him a painting lesson after dinner, which was really fun. I think we really like each other. If I asked him "are you just looking for something casual?" I think he would say yes. But I think there's more of a connection there, and potential for it to develop, and I feel like overthinking it or pushing him to define it could kill that possibility. He's on the younger side, and just out of a serious monogamous relationship about 2 months ago. Am I just being overly naive/romantic/optimistic/hopeful?

It depends on what you want - if you're happy with it never turning into anything, I'd keep seeing him and see what happens. That's been one of the most important lessons I've learned dating DinoActivist, as that started out casual and still is in a lot of ways but it's deepened in ways I wasn't expecting, since it wasn't INSTANTLY CRAZY BONDED.
 
Hi beeswing,

I don't know if this would help but perhaps you could work some philosophical thoughts about polyamory into your conversations with the men you date. This would give you a chance to articulate your desire to have deep poly relationships, not just one-night stands.

All of the advice on this thread seems good ... Just date a guy as long as it seems worth it to you; when it doesn't seem worth it anymore, let him go.
 
I don't know if this would help but perhaps you could work some philosophical thoughts about polyamory into your conversations with the men you date. This would give you a chance to articulate your desire to have deep poly relationships, not just one-night stands.

I like that idea. With some guys, though, I don't know how to begin that conversation. I guess I'm clueless/graceless/etc. but if we never talk about The Relationship or What Is Happening Here, I don't know how to even bring it up. Can you possibly hold my hand through a sample intro?
 
Possible opening: "Have you heard of polyamory? What do you think of it?"

There's probably no one-size-fits-all opening, because every conversation is different.
 
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