Blogging, blogging, blogging.

Finally had a chance this morning to reconnect with Seven. And he is working on making sure we have time together. We had a little bit this morning because even though he was only gone for a week for both of us it's felt like we've been apart for longer. Then tomorrow is a day complete for the two of us. And because our D&D group wants to meet on Wednesday he's going to make sure we get another time together.

One thing I'm kinda confused/concerned about is we did fall back into our old dynamic. He led to it. I know that he and Lamian had a long talk about things yesterday but I don't know if things have gotten more laid back or if he's decided to act like her almost (not actually do the thing that the other needs to have things be okay).
 
Currently sitting in an er. Been bleeding for two weeks heavily despite my birth control. In May this happened for a week and a half and my gyno recommended taking two pills for two days. When I tried that this time it didn't work and when I called to set up an appointment they told me to go to the er. I'm slightly terrified.
 
Sometimes I wish my hearing wasn't as attuned as it is (or that it was ever more so) because when I catch random parts of something sitting in a room next to people whispering then my mind goes haywire.

Seven and Lamian were talking. Seven mentioned that he had been trying to quell how he thinks/feels about me but hasn't. That's really all I heard (worked to ignore the rest and had to go potty) but then my head went off on me.

So I'm becoming a bit of a mess again.
 
I'm reaching my breaking point. Don't be surprised if the next post I make in this blog is about the end of my relationship.
 
So I lied, one more post before I fear things explode.

I doubt I'm even going to have the chance to say what I need to say (which actually IS something that can make things work out with all the people in this group) because I think I'm going to be vetoed just because A) I'm upset (I guess I'm not allowed to own my feelings) have stated I am and am showing it. and B) That I'm wanting to only talk to Seven right now about it because I'm not ready to address it with Lamian (which means I'm not allowed to own when I discuss how I'm feeling).

Part of me feels that even though I love him, if Seven lets this happen without talking to me I'm better off without him in my life.
 
Okay, maybe not as bad I thought. He apparently talked with Lamian about the fact that what she has been doing to me is unfair and doing nothing but hurting me.

I added on when he was telling me about this that with how she's acting makes it difficult for me to have time with Seven without throwing Woodsmith away because she'll tell him he can have time with me the day of which means I can't talk to Woodsmith about things. And that set up still has me feeling that I'm only supposed to be there for him if she can't be.

Also stated that since she expects and demands so much freedom in her relationship with her secondary the fact she refuses the same extension for me has left me feeling not like a secondary relationship but less than a person.

Finally ended it with if things don't change I can't keep doing this because of how much I'm falling apart but I know losing him while we are still wanting each other will make me fall apart just as bad. Mentioned that now it seems to be a waiting game since he told her things need to change to because it isn't fair to me. After which he tools me it can't just be waiting something drastic needs to happen to prove Lamian isn't just trying to hurt me.
 
I need to stay out of hospitals. Now sitting in a work related care center because a person I support at my job hit me in the head four times and pulled my hair. And may have given me a concussion.

I don't make enough there for that.
 
I need to stay out of hospitals. Now sitting in a work related care center because a person I support at my job hit me in the head four times and pulled my hair. And may have given me a concussion.

I don't make enough there for that.

That's terrible! Can't you press charges for assault?
 
I don't know. I support people with developmental disabilities and it was one of them who did that. There is going to be a meeting with his home staff to decide what to do but until then I was told if he approaches me I'm to walk in the opposite direction of him, even if it means leaving the building.

On a note of things with Seven. I had a minor breakdown yesterday with him (emotional not mad) and through it addressed my fear that we were doing something we weren't supposed to with the play still. He told me that when he talked to Lamian she was fine with us having some sort of a dynamic as long as it wasn't 24/7, a full M/s one, or have it become a lifestyle. He informed me I'm still his pet, he does still own me, we can when it's just us (even in public) have a full submissive/slave aspect.

Once he told me that it felt like a weight had lifted off my chest. I think having this complete feeling of being lost had taken things that, yes would just give a small sting of "that would be something I'd love to be able to have" and just send me reeling down a dark spiral.
 
So I think it was about a week or so I mentioned being in the hospital because of bleeding. Wednesday I my OB/GYN to have a follow up. Been doing som research and since this has been going on (bleeding or period issues) for 7 years I'm going to get her to give me an endometrial ablation.
 
. . . He told me that when he talked to Lamian she was fine with us having some sort of a dynamic as long as it wasn't 24/7, a full M/s one, or have it become a lifestyle. He informed me I'm still his pet, he does still own me, we can when it's just us (even in public) have a full submissive/slave aspect.

Once he told me that it felt like a weight had lifted off my chest.

That is all well and good, and I am glad you have what you want with him again, BUT how does he intend to address the fact that Lamian lets her emotions dictate how YOU can be in YOUR relationship with him? What's going to happen the next time she gets a bug up her ass and all pouty about something? Is he going to stand up to her and defend his relationship with you or let her walk all over what you two have again? I think this is the biggest problem - she is a dictator and he puts her needs before his own.
 
Good questions, and I'm unsure of the answers. Particularly since she isn't comfortable with the relationship in the first place.

On a different note, I have something I'm going to first ask Seven and then tell Woodsmith. This past week (and just so you know Woodsmith doing this has been an ongoing thing in our relationship, even when we weren't living together and I'd see him just on weekends) he has spent every night sleeping on the couch rather than coming to bed. So honestly because of that, and the fact I'm sick of sleeping alone, if Lamian isn't home I'm going to just stay with Seven.
 
Talked with Seven about what I posted last (Woodsmith not coming to bed) and my desire to spend time with him when Lamian isn't home because of that. He spoke with Lamian to make sure that didn't go against what she is okay with and her only stipulation is that I also call Woodsmith out on this.

Which was my plan anyways.
 
More random life post.

Recently I've realized that I want my clothing style to match my personality. I'm not sure why, but there's something about having my feelings/person revealed in my clothing that just interests me.

So I'm slowly working on transforming my wardrobe from what it is (a mismosh of stuff including from when I was big into clubs/raves) to a nice mix of pin-up and hippie/flowly (think a nymph/druid) wear.
 
Finally starting to feel less "OMG tired" from Gen Con so I feel like I can type about it/things I've learned from it.

Got to Indianapolis around 6ish when you add in the time change Wednesday. Got badges/event tickets and a friend who was working the con (one of MANY working the con) gave us a sneak 10 min peek to the dealers room.

Went to the hotel and crashed. Don't remember eating that day.

Thursday started gaming. Had a mini panic attack the first time I was in the dealer room with everybody due to the mass number of people. Got to play some fun games like Munchkin Expanded (Munchkin with ALL the expansions) and Zombie!!! Zoo.

Friday I played a random RPG called Slasher Flick and a few other things I can't remember off the top of my head. Had second breakdown (one of the things I've learned).

Saturday I again don't remember what I played (I played a LOT of games) and made a bracelet. It has beads to represent me, Woodsmith, and Seven with a heart inbetween the beads for me and Woodsmith and me and Seven.

I also bought myself a dragon to sit around my neck (Seven's spot) with armor to protect me. It's my own little symbol of him.

The two things I've learned.

1) I truly am a gamer. When I was in high school and college "gamers" only played computer/consule games. So when I started playing games I thought it was just cause I wanted to be around the people playing them. Totally not the case.

2) I need to keep myself busy in a place like that. If I stop being active then I kinda start getting really lonely. Woodsmith isn't a gamer (something he learned) and he really has no interest doing the games there (he'd rather do the seminars/costume/spousal stuff). Everyone else works. So I just go into my own little sad spot.
 
Really looking forward to tonight. Woodsmith is at his parent's farm and Lamian is going to be at Darkeyes. Why does this make me excited? Because for the first time since the disolving of the more lifestyle M/s Seven and I are not just going to be able to play but from the moment I pick him up until the moment we leave for work tomorrow morning I will be his slave.

He's mentioned he already has some things planned for me/us.
 
That is all well and good, and I am glad you have what you want with him again, BUT how does he intend to address the fact that Lamian lets her emotions dictate how YOU can be in YOUR relationship with him? What's going to happen the next time she gets a bug up her ass and all pouty about something? Is he going to stand up to her and defend his relationship with you or let her walk all over what you two have again? I think this is the biggest problem - she is a dictator and he puts her needs before his own.
Guess we might find out. Even though she had said it was fine if we were by ourselves of us having our dynamic today while Seven was at work Lamian decided it wasn't good.

So I'm going to make it clear to Seven that something needs to change (by the end of the month or at the least have made significant progress towards it) if he wants me in his life. I'm going to state that either we need to be able to have our dynamic (and allow me to be able to be affectionate towards him if she's home) or I need a guarantee that I will get a day during a week AND a day on the weekend each week to spend with him. Right now I'm not being treated as a secondary or even a tertiary. I'm nothing more than a toy in her eyes and I'm done.
 
Waiting for the dust to settle but I don't think things are going to be okay.

So I got home, got a good cry/yell/whatever out while still alone. Lamian comes home and we are civil but she pretty much holed herself up in her and Seven's bedroom. A little talking off and on, particularly about the snake needing to warm up and taking care of her. I got home at 4:30 had my "grr" time till about 4:45 and then was okay until around 7 when I felt myself going into a spiral again, so I curled up on the couch and kinda pulled into myself to be able to have my composure whenever any talking happened.

Seven gets home around 7:15 and says we all need to talk. Before anything can be said I get made out as the bad guy with the words "don't worry she's not going to yell". I mention that I've been feeling like I've been treated like shit and before I have a chance to explain why I'm called selfish and am told I'm being a baby.

Lamian admits the only person she's mad at is Seven because he knew she wasn't okay with anything. They get into an argument with him telling her that she said she WAS okay with scenes and stuff done in private and she says he was wrong and they never talked about it. Seven tells her that he's done and she storms out with Darkeyes.

After she leaves Seven goes for a run with the husky. When they get back I give him a little time to himself before approaching him to talk. I state I want to have the chance to explain why I felt like shit and that it wasn't just relationship stuff but also how I've been treated in regards to whatever tension is going on. I mention the thing about being singled out as a bad guy, I mention not being allowed to have anyway to be upset because I can't go in my room or try to curl up and collect myself or snap. I mention the constant changes that just puts things even more a little box. Seven admits that the changes piss him off too but then tells me that he's just done.

So the rest of the evening is spent with me reading and him on his computer/phone texting. I tell him good night when I try to go to bed with nothing more than curtness.

I don't know what's going to happen when the dust settles. I don't know if some of his anger towards me is just being mad at the situation. I don't know if he's done with both of us (but I have a feeling that if it's just one it's going to be me because I am just the secondary).

Honestly at this point I don't know what to do. There's a part of me that wishes I never fell in love with him in the first place.
 
Been reading your blog for a while now and haven't really popped my head in, but DAMN, does it sound like you need a hug... So here, take one. Or two. Or four.

You don't deserve to be treated like the bad guy, and from what you said above, it sounds like he's been using avoidance and deflection maneuvers left and right (not fully informing Lamian of what's going on, using you as the scapegoat), and maybe he's mad that it didn't work, and projecting that anger on the both of you.

Here's hoping he calms down and has an honest talk with you about it. And here's another hug.
 
Rather than trying to do a long followup I'm just going to post this short one and anything that happens before another post (or any major event) will just get edited in.

Gave Woodsmith a quick fill in (basically just a lot of tension at home and there had been fighting and arguing last night).

Before being able to have any sort of a sleep (as disturbed as it was) I sent Seven a text (admitting I was scarf to ask in person because of how pissed he was) asking more or less if he hated me now. His response was "no I don't hate you dear".

This morning I also asked if I could give him a hug or if he still needed space. He did motion for me to come over and after a few moments hug gave me a smile and stroked my hair. Then as he left let me know to expect more of the same tonight in the fighting. I'm guessing Lamian and him continued to fight over text last night and still aren't done. Also gave Woodsmith a heads up on that. Going to try and call him today on my way to work in the hopes I can reach him.
 
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