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  #71  
Old 05-16-2019, 02:19 AM
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River River is offline
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Thanks for those wonderful, useful responses! I'm digesting. It's been a weird, challenging day for me. I'll eventually reply more adequately.
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  #72  
Old 05-16-2019, 05:38 PM
ElMango ElMango is offline
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Are there any women in this forum who have experienced pain during sex which was not the result of a strictly physical cause (which had a strong psychological dimension)?
I'd like to respond too if that's okay! I did't see this before!

I'm an absolute open book, so if you want to ask me anything I'll answer it at least over DM.

So, I've always been a person with a high libido. Like, I out libido two male partners.

When I get stressed, very anxious or my eating disorder brain kicks in; sex both makes me feel good via the biological side, but can make my body very unwilling to participate. The mind body connection is way stronger than people give it credit for! Even having one or two painful experiences can enforce to you brain that it will be painful, which increases stress and then makes a vicious circle.

One thing I do in those scenarios is go slow. Lots of foreplay; as much as it takes for my brain to really relax and my body to really respond to my brain cooperating. Neither of my partners are doms; but I am fairly subby. So, I try to focus on that aspect of myself as well and try to focus solely on my how my body is responding to pleasure.

If my men need to take 30 minutes of warm up, they will. If we need to do things with clothes on until my brain and body chill, we do. If we can't even get to PIV sex, we don't. It's about training your mind and body to expect and want pleasure; positive reinforcement so to speak.

Over the years, and getting help for my anxiety and ED, has helped a lot. I've gotten coping mechanisms and worked on that side of any sort of pain. As well, I worked on finding out any possible sore of pain being simply physical. My IUD caused physical pain for me during sex. That caused my body and brain to be REALLY nervous. Once I got it removed, it still to about 6-9 months to relax back into things and be really comfortable again.

Some people will also try, with masturbation, focusing on helping your brain assume PIV sex will be a good thing via dildos or a dildo vibe mix. I have vaginal orgasms and prefer them, so I worked mainly with my menfolk to chill my body/brain.

I hope this helps!
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Z- [Legal] Husband, 11yrs together, 27 yrs
B- Partner, 2 ys together, 35yrs
El- Me! Bi/kinda NB, 28yrs
J- B's ex FWB/BFF-still friends not amicable split, 36 yrs
M- Z's ex FWB; they split b/c lack of time & distance (very amicable) She's a sweetie, 25 yrs
Al- My casual GF. bi
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  #73  
Old 05-17-2019, 07:54 PM
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Evie Evie is offline
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Hi River

If I'm not aroused, penetration can hurt, first in the initial stretching of the opening to the vagina, but more annoyingly, in "deep" - which actually feels shallow and really bad ouchy. However, the more aroused I am, the "longer" I perceive my vagina to be and I can take a pounding without pain.

Not sure how much is psychological and how much is physiological (because I have the normal travel of the cervix at different times of the month), except for finding it rarer these days that I get aroused.
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Adam: 50M, Husband, nesting partner but I live away for work.
Puck: 49M, Dom, USA based.
Mike: 43M, ?, Up the road but mostly online.

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  #74  
Old 05-17-2019, 08:26 PM
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River River is offline
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I'm reading.... Haven't had much to say, but reading with interest and gratitude for what everyone has been offering here. Some of the responses have been especially illuminating! Thanks!

By the way, I'm also curious to know what folks here might say in response to the following question.:

This question is for anyone, whether male, female, or somewhere in between.

I suppose it's really a series of deeply interrelated questions, instead of just one..., hmmm....

Is your level of arousal / excitement in sex proportionate to your level of pleasure in sex?

and

Are arousal and pleasure in sex largely dependent on establishing affection, trust, warmth, bonding, and that sort of thing?
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Occasionally dating others but never seeming to form anything lasting and real.

Last edited by River; 05-17-2019 at 08:31 PM.
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  #75  
Old 05-17-2019, 08:48 PM
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Spork Spork is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by River View Post
I'm reading.... Haven't had much to say, but reading with interest and gratitude for what everyone has been offering here. Some of the responses have been especially illuminating! Thanks!

By the way, I'm also curious to know what folks here might say in response to the following question.:

This question is for anyone, whether male, female, or somewhere in between.

I suppose it's really a series of deeply interrelated questions, instead of just one..., hmmm....

Is your level of arousal / excitement in sex proportionate to your level of pleasure in sex?

and

Are arousal and pleasure in sex largely dependent on establishing affection, trust, warmth, bonding, and that sort of thing?
To the first thing, yes, I think it's almost impossible to enjoy sex if I am not aroused. That doesn't mean my body will be showing the most predictable signs of it, because bodies are weird like that and like for instance during times of my cycle or if I'm dehydrated even, might not be as obviously wet but my brain has to be on board, arousal processes happening, or I'm not really going to be enjoying sex.

Someone could do the exact same motions of physical stimulation and they might bring me right over the edge...or feel just mildly annoying and not really good at all, depending on this.

But to your second question, no it's not all about affection, trust, warmth, bonding, etc. I mean those things CAN be part of a situation where someone allows themselves to be vulnerable and engaged and have a good time. But on the flipside, that would imply that casual sex can't really be fun, or that a woman in a situation like a swinger event or whatever, something where it's more of a kink deal, might not enjoy playing with a stranger or a near-stranger. Not so.

If you don't feel NEGATIVELY toward the person you're having sex with, and if your "this turns me on" buttons are getting pushed, whatever those might be, you can get all kinds of aroused and have a great time. I have experienced truly satisfying sex with my partner that I trust and love...I also experienced it with the "Worm King" who was a relatively casual fling, and I certainly did not trust him! In fact he often felt downright dangerous, which was part of the spice of it all. He was very emotionally unavailable, there was no bonding really possible, but we did at least generally seem to like and respect each other and he was affectionate in a fun way, if not exactly a loving way. Like cuddling that also features someone randomly biting or roughly handling your body when they feel like it.

Some women feel so deeply uncomfortable with the entire notion of un-bonded and un-emotional sex, that they cannot be in the headspace to enjoy it at all. For some of us, a romp is just a romp until or unless it becomes negotiated to more, and it can still be a heap of fun.
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  #76  
Old 05-18-2019, 02:48 AM
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Evie Evie is offline
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1. Yes, the more aroused I am, the more pleasure I get from sex. I have had plenty of sex where I'm not aroused, and if there's the right physical stimulation I'll quite potentially cum. But the best sex for me is the full experience. Arousal generally starts in the mind for me, and whatever the chemicals are the then flood my body and make me feel "horny" - well, that's where the fun really is. I can get rather primal about sex if that's going on, and that is fantastic.

2. Although trust is a turn on for me, it's not essential. I can get aroused by someone I've just met, or perhaps known but had very little to do with before. Call it chemistry, but sometimes it's just there. And damn I will rip that ************'s clothes off if we're in any kind of position to do so. Used to happen more so when I was younger, though, probably because I was mentally more available for casual sex. And for me, there's generally more arousal during the NRE/honeymoon phase of a sexual relationship (including FWB ones). After all, as a heterosexual person that's when my female body still believes that this male body I'm fucking might be able to impregnate it, despite my actively child free status. My mind might know I'm child free, but my body is still keen to give it a shot, and if it doesn't get pregnant, it will lose interest and seek to move onto the next fella. Of course, my mind does have the final say in this so I'm not out there chasing NRE based arousal.

The bond I develop with someone can help induce arousal, especially if doing chakra energy play. But I've also experienced very arousing power exchange with people I've known only briefly beforehand. Quite honestly, if the guy is the right flavour d-type for me, I'll be in a little puddle of arousal nearly instantly (remembering very early interactions with Golf, as well as a couple of others).
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Me (Evie): 41F, me.
Adam: 50M, Husband, nesting partner but I live away for work.
Puck: 49M, Dom, USA based.
Mike: 43M, ?, Up the road but mostly online.

Frequent appearances: Golf, Magus, and Lance

Guest stars: Hermit, Shakespeare, Siege, Tech, Chalk and Cheese.
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  #77  
Old 05-18-2019, 06:43 PM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by River View Post
Is your level of arousal / excitement in sex proportionate to your level of pleasure in sex?
Yes, absolutely.

Quote:
Originally Posted by River View Post
Are arousal and pleasure in sex largely dependent on establishing affection, trust, warmth, bonding, and that sort of thing?
No.

Actually, for me, personally (more so, I think, than for many people - in my observation) these are actually quite separate.

Emotional intimacy is really quite difficult and scary for me. Stereotypical INTJ in this regard. This can actually be a barrier to my enjoyment of sex, for myself, because my brain can't stop analyzing my partners responses, feelings, etc. which takes me "out" of the physical experience of the moment.

Pure sex for the sake of sex (NSA) is much easier for me to enjoy. No baggage to analyze. I can let myself go and be the hedonistic greed slut who enjoys a good fuck!

This dichotomy is reflected in my two primary relationships. My relationship with my (largely asexual) husband, MrS, is a classic example of "companionate love" - deeply emotionally intimate, massive amounts of affection, trust, warmth, etc. but minimal sex. (Cuddling and nuzzling abound!). My relationship with my (very physically sexual) boyfriend, Dude, is much more skewed to the "passionate love" side of the equation.

On very rare occasions (generally while in a chemically altered state of awareness and in situations thoughtfully engineered by my two boys) the two come together spectacularly!

Poly lets me express my different loves differently with partners who enjoy different aspects of love expression. (This also ties in with the concepts of "love languages" and MB personality types.) On the sexuality spectrum, my understanding of "demi-sexual" is that, for these folks, the warmth/affection/bondedness is required for sexual arousal. So, that may be a demographic that would answer your questions differently.
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MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (27+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (9+ yrs)
SLeW: platonic hetero girlfriend and BFF
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  #78  
Old 05-21-2019, 01:05 AM
ElMango ElMango is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by River View Post
Is your level of arousal / excitement in sex proportionate to your level of pleasure in sex?
Most of the time, yes. Sometimes the foreplay and excitement will be way more pleasurable, even without orgasm, than PIV sex. Others, I just want the D haha, and that is the most amazing part.

I'd imagine that part of it would be if you can only have clitoral or prostate orgasms vs if you can have from penetration?

Quote:
Are arousal and pleasure in sex largely dependent on establishing affection, trust, warmth, bonding, and that sort of thing?
For me, arousal is less emotion based. Many things can make he horny. Emotions do make the arousal process way more fun for me.

Pleasure in sex is absolutely improved with emotional bonding, and deeper emotions for me. It's more fun, and even kinky stuff is better. I find for the most part, if we can laugh and have fun during sex or during foreplay then I have a much better time
__________________
Z- [Legal] Husband, 11yrs together, 27 yrs
B- Partner, 2 ys together, 35yrs
El- Me! Bi/kinda NB, 28yrs
J- B's ex FWB/BFF-still friends not amicable split, 36 yrs
M- Z's ex FWB; they split b/c lack of time & distance (very amicable) She's a sweetie, 25 yrs
Al- My casual GF. bi
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  #79  
Old 05-22-2019, 11:07 PM
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River River is offline
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The bare minimum I require for there to be arousal and pleasure in sex is some degree of trust and some level of feeling of what I want to call "genuine human connection and/or affection". For me, if these are not present, I may as well masturbate instead of involving another human being, as it's just not going to be pleasurable without trust/affection/connection.

I could get to sufficient trust/affection/connection within a few hours, though, if the person has the qualities I'm looking for -- which lead to trust/affection/connection. If I take less time than that I'm rushing things and it's not going to feel quite right.

I don't require a profound commitment to a lasting relationship, nor a "relationship escalator" situation, however. A casual, and genuine, friendship is the minimum for it to feel right, though.

The only exception that comes to mind might be if I'm giving someone new a massage, or receiving a massage. I love giving and receiving massage and the nearest thing I have to a fetish (kink?--prolly not) would probably be the massage that "gets a little out of hand".
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Occasionally dating others but never seeming to form anything lasting and real.
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  #80  
Old 01-20-2020, 07:05 AM
feoly feoly is offline
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Have you ever tried threesome with sex dolls? My girlfriend are not into poly relationship, so I want have a sex doll involved in our sex.

Last edited by Emm; 01-24-2020 at 09:12 AM. Reason: Link removed
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