First, thanks to everyone who has been here for me. It's been a few weeks now and I definitely feel better about the fact that things ended, if still a bit annoyed by the way that things ended. I do apologize for going MIA for a moment. Besides the breakup, a LOT of other things happened three weeks ago and I just needed a moment in time to get myself together. Or three weeks worth of moments.
Gala, Luna, Kevin, Teal, Mags - your advice has been invaluable (as with award show speeches, if I'm leaving anyone out it's not on purpose and I appreciate you too!). Tomorrow will make three weeks since the breakup, and I'm doing very well. Although now that I have a bit of distance and clarity, I see that the relationship was problematic from the start.
I started this thread because I felt empty, drained, tired and needed a break. While I was disappointed that George wouldn't meet me halfway, I wasn't really surprised. Since we broke up I feel so...light. And calm. And happy.
So what I noticed is that although I was happy when our relationship began, the initial period of calm I felt was very short lived. When I first started posting here about this particular relationship, it was immediately after an incident with Lucy, which at the time seemed like an opportunity to clarify boundaries and make relationship agreements. But in retrospect? Now it looks like triangulation.
So then I started thinking about his partner, Gina. Shortly after we squashed the Lucy mess, the triangulation with Gina began. I didn't see it at the time. I wasn't looking for it then. I didn't pay attention to how often she came up once we started dating officially, even though they'd been together for a year and a half before us and I never heard a mention of her once during that time. In retrospect, all of the boundary issues I was complaining of in previous threads seem very much like triangulation to me now. The KTP vs. parallel poly dilemma. I was so angry with Gina for suddenly just needing to schedule dates on the one night that I worked with George, but what about George? Why was he okay with that? Why did it take me essentially drafting a legal contract between the three of us to resolve that?
I don't think it was really all that hard to understand when I was upset with him for not only breaking a standing date with me, but for additionally trying to start his night with Gina (the date he chose instead) in my presence while I'd be working. Serving her. I also don't think it was hard to understand why I was upset about him cuddling with Lucy in front of me after he'd told me she'd made a pass at him several months prior, or why I was so upset when he not only shared our show with Gina but skipped ahead without me. All of it just seems so, so obvious now. When I really stopped and asked myself whether it ever seemed like he tried to purposely make me jealous, I realized there were a lot of instances where it absolutely seemed like he did.
One night in particular stands out to me now in a way it never did before. It was early on, in the happy bubble before things shifted (and I realize that the language I'm using sounds a lot like the "manipulative shift" in abusive relationships, but I'll get to that later). I had been in the bar hanging out with friends, and he had been outside working (bouncing). I'd texted him, because as we were still heavily in NRE we were constantly texting even though we were in the same place, and asked whether he ever experienced jealousy. My timing had no particular significance. I'm always reading a few books at a time and had been rereading The Ethical Slut so it popped into my head. We were in a new relationship. I wanted to know how he handled that when he felt jealousy. So I asked. When he answered, his answer was brief and vague, but then he followed up by asking if I'd been asking him about jealousy because I'd noticed him talking to a woman outside. I said no, I hadn't noticed. He then when on to say that maybe I subconsciously noticed him, noticing her. I said, nope! I hadn't even been facing that direction and didn't know he'd been talking to anyone. And in response to that? He began to tell me about her. It's funny because I wasn't jealous in the moment, nor did I become jealous. I remember sort of skimming over the details of the woman because I was focused in on hearing about how he handled it if and when he experienced jealousy, so I didn't even fully process that he was bragging about the amazing qualities of a strange woman he'd been conversing with in the SAME conversation in which I'd ask in about jealousy, in which he'd misinterpreted my question to mean that I was jealous in that moment. So...his response to thinking I was jealous was to...fuel it?
Essentially what I'm realizing is that I think the reason the relationship was so hard on me was because I was in fact doing a lot of hard work the whole time. Not just relationship work, but working not to be manipulated via triangulation. I think the boundaries I set with Gina, establishing very clear parallel poly, made it really hard to keep triangulating us. Hence the return of the Lucy sitch, except instead of playing games, I just left. I set new boundaries to prevent anything like that from ever happening again. In retrospect I think that treating Gina and I as interchangeable - doing the same activities with us and telling me about it - was another attempt at triangulation.
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Outside of processing that relationship, I have learned some things about me from this, and what I want going forward. I've been taking time for myself, as I wanted to. What I find, though, is that without any drama weighing me down I'm just using that time to enjoy myself! I splurged on some amazing running sneakers and have been running and doing yoga on the beach. Before it gets cold. I've been planning solo activities, seeing my friends. I have been going on dates with someone new, but I am taking things very, very slowly. I almost feel like I'm going out with him from behind bulletproof glass. Which brings me to my last topic...
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This isn't the first time I've talked about triangulation on this forum. It was first introduced to me here, years ago, when I dated the guy who first introduced me to poly. I have been in multiple abusive relationships and dated multiple narcissists (probably because one of my parents is one). I am in therapy and doing the self-work to hopefully never remain involved with one for too long again.
What worries me is that my relationships with George and Luke - while I'm not diagnosing either of them - both fit a relationship pattern that occurs with people who are interpersonally exploitative. Even if they aren't narcissists, or overt abusers, or what have you. I tend to have issues with boundaries - though I am getting better, so maybe it's time to rethink that label I'm giving myself - and I can be excessively empathetic. The boundary issues I'm glad I'm overcoming. But the empathy...I don't want to hold back my empathy. I don't even know how I would manage that. I don't want to be less human. But I also don't want to keep being taken advantage of.
I'm trying to learn from these experiences, but I worry that I'm going to overcorrect and just close myself off. Or mistakenly think I'm passed it, as I have before, and then end up with a similar person in a different package.
Has anyone ever experienced any sort of relationship abuse before, or dated a narcissist? Mags, I know you shared your experience with Ginger. I just feel like I've done SO much reading, and research, and therapy, and work trying to recover from relationships like this, only to end up in similar experiences. I do notice that when I encounter experiences like this they don't last as long as they once did. I have the vocabulary. I wise up faster. I think it's called hyper vigilance and it's probably been turning narcs or people like narcs off. But still...I'm not really feeling to hot at the moment about getting out sooner than before. I don't want to win, or escape. I just don't want to keep dating people like this. At all.
I'm very weary of NRE now, and that saddens me because I've had good relationships with partners who weren't exploitative that started with NRE, and it was lovely. And the feeling of being behind thick glass and observing my date very, very carefully...that doesn't seem healthy either.
Enough Belle thoughts. Your thoughts?