New to this, what do?

neonshadow

New member
Where to start;

I am a 23 yr old, straight, graduate student with huge artistic ambitions and a plethora of hobbies and interests. Recently I have met a girl with whom I am extremely happy. I feel so incredibly attracted to this girl physically, emotionally and intellectually. The first time we met, she informed me that she was poly, and I (not entirely understanding the gravity of the statement) didn't really have a problem with it. I have never personally identified myself as such and I think that is where the issues are starting to arise.

Over the course of our relationship, she has introduced me to one of her female partners. It makes me feel strange sharing time with them together, but it seemed like such a normalcy for her I pretty much ignored it and submerged my awkwardness toward the situation. Then she started sharing pictures of the two of them (some slightly sexual in nature), compounding the awkwardness.

Recently she informed me that she would be spending some time with one of her male partners (after hiding it from me in fear of making me upset). After finding this out, I decide to keep my communication with her to a minimum. I figured if she was with someone else, I wouldn't want to be a bother. This upset her greatly. The next day I received a page long text degrading me for neglecting her that day and being irrationally upset. I guess I was confused because I felt like if I talked to her while she was with him, then the inverse would occur when we are together. That thought stirred feelings of jealousy, insecurity, and even worthlessness for me.

She went on to explain how gender is negligible, and I shouldn't feel jealous, and how I'll get used to it, etc.. But this all sounded kind of selfish to me. Selfish in that, I never once asked her to not be poly and yet here she was telling me to be. Again, these problems seem to stem from my inexperience in the matters of both types of relationships.

It would seem that my feelings of awkwardness and jealousy would indicate that this sort of relationship is not for me, but does that mean that I have to give up and say good bye to a relationship with the first girl that I have ever really been in love with? Any help or suggestions would be appreciated.
 
She went on to explain how gender is negligible, .

Of course it is to her, that works in her favour and enables her to have more freedom. That doesn't make it your reality though. Even experienced poly people have issues around gender so don't sweat that too much.

Here is the main issue I have with how she wants things..she wants things on her terms without compromise. That is selfish in my opinion.

You found a way to cope with her being with a male partner by giving her space and withdrawing a bit. That is the compromise. She then degrades you for giving her the space to do something you're not comfortable with?? WTF.

There's no reason to quit immediately on the relationship but you need to sit down with her and tell her what you need. What she needs is pretty clear..freedom to see who ever she wants and not have you withdaw when she is with another partner. Tall order to ask someone who only wants her. She needs to realize life is not about getting everything you want...that's a toddler's reality and mindset, not an adult's.

Don't give up too soon...talk and compromise might enable you to enjoy each other for a much longer time. Of course if you are not healthy and truly do not want to share a partner with someone else then bail ASAP and find a person who expresses love in the same way you do.
 
Wow, that was incredibly helpful. You pointed out some things I did not realize. I really felt like I was doing something wrong, but now I see what you're saying about the withdrawing. It definitely made it easier to cope and still feel strongly about her. Now I must ask myself the hard questions, as you have also pointed out. My biggest fear is that, I won't have the backbone or resolve to evade this relationship for another one, should I find that it is not emotionally healthy for me.
 
My biggest fear is that, I won't have the backbone or resolve to evade this relationship for another one, should I find that it is not emotionally healthy for me.


If you do decide you can't do this....


Staying in an unhealthy realtionship has little to do with how much back bone you have...it has a lot to do with feeling like you can't do any better. That is a self confidence and self worth issue.
 
but does that mean that I have to give up and say good bye to a relationship with the first girl that I have ever really been in love with? Any help or suggestions would be appreciated.

You're in love with her?! That's freaking huge, really?! If so, tell her. Tell her so. And if she treats that like an ice cream cone of the moment, run -- run fast. Run hard. Get away. You deserve better than to be someone's freaking ice cream cone of the moment (ICCOTM).
 
Even experienced poly people have issues around gender so don't sweat that too much.

.

By not sweating this, I didn't mean to imply that you shouldn't investigate the reasons for the gender difference. You can overcome a lot of things through understanding yourself.
 
Staying in an unhealthy realtionship has little to do with how much back bone you have...it has a lot to do with feeling like you can't do any better. That is a self confidence and self worth issue.

That is a great point, and more accurately describes how I feel.

You're in love with her?!

I find myself more fond of her than anyone I have ever known for many reasons.

I'm beginning to feel though, that I should find someone that expresses love the same way I do. I'm having a really difficult time with the poly the way she wants it.

Although leaving would be hard for me, because I want to think she feels just as strongly for me as I do her. I just don't want to walk away from that.

Grrrr... human affections.. lol
 
Although leaving would be hard for me, because I want to think she feels just as strongly for me as I do her. I just don't want to walk away from that.

If you're just a nice playful boy toy for the moment, well.... But you can look her in the eyes? I dare you! Look her in the eyes and ask her if she really loves you. If she doesn't convince you that she does, get out of town.:)
 
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I'm having a really difficult time with the poly the way she wants it.

I don't know this gal, or what's going on with her and you. But I do know that some people don't know how to love, and some of them call themselves "polyamorous," but they're really poly-sexual. Now, there's nothing bad or wrong with being poly-sexual, but that's not polyamory. You see? Polyamory is about love, which involves -- among other things -- real commitment to one another. And the other crucial -- central -- part is real love.

Sadly, too many of us humans don't know what real love is. It is profound care for the other. Simple as that.:) The other is not a resource, you see. Not a mine to be mined. But a person to be loved. (Mine pun acknowledged and appreciated.)
 
Some people behave the way they do because nobody has ever asked them to do something differently. Since you care for her so much, it would be good for both of you to offer her an alternative way of behaving, one that givers her the chance to show you more compassion and caring than she has so far.

But if you keep a calm head and tell her how you feel and what you want and she still dismisses it and acts as if you have to do poly her way or no way, I would hit the road too. You certainly deserve to have any partner, whether poly or not, willing to take your feelings into account.
 
If you're just a nice playful boy toy for the moment, well....

I don't think I'm just some boy toy to her, and I do believe she has some really legitimate feelings towards me. I may have painted her a little too negatively by mistake. She is an amazing person with no ill will towards anyone. I just seem to be having an issue with her relationship lifestyle. I have tried acclimating myself to being in this poly relationship, but it just isn't working for me.

I'm up at night wondering, can this sort of thing work out if I want to live with her? Could we possibly have kids some day? Could we own a house together? Family type stuff. But when I think of other people in the relationship, that sort of stuff (things I've dreamed about) seem out of reach.
 
I'm up at night wondering, can this sort of thing work out if I want to live with her? Could we possibly have kids some day? Could we own a house together? Family type stuff. But when I think of other people in the relationship, that sort of stuff (things I've dreamed about) seem out of reach.

If she genuinely loves you, she'll listen with an open heart to your hopes and dreams. It's certainly possible that she can both love you and empathise with your hopes and dreams and not share these in common with you. If that be the case, it's sad for the both of you. You may not be able to make a life woven together. But you can still, of course, love one another as profound friends who have differing paths in life.

Please do not settle for less than you know you really need. It wouldn't be good for either of you if you did. - - - On the other hand, committing to a relationship always involves some sacrifice. Only you can discover what you can sacrifice and what you cannot. Your primary relationship is always with yourself. Love yourself. Share this love where you can; and give yourself entirely to love.
 
I don't think I'm just some boy toy to her, and I do believe she has some really legitimate feelings towards me. I may have painted her a little too negatively by mistake. She is an amazing person with no ill will towards anyone. I just seem to be having an issue with her relationship lifestyle. I have tried acclimating myself to being in this poly relationship, but it just isn't working for me.

I'm up at night wondering, can this sort of thing work out if I want to live with her? Could we possibly have kids some day? Could we own a house together? Family type stuff. But when I think of other people in the relationship, that sort of stuff (things I've dreamed about) seem out of reach.

Now you're in the meat and potatoes of the topic. Can you achieve your relationship goals (in the way you want to) with her? Factor in your families perception, your friends, your employer...all of these seem irrelevant when you are in NRE but when the dust settles from your passion, that's when they can surface again. Are you going to be ok introducing your girlfriend to your parents? What will you say when they ask where she is during a weekend getaway? Will you lie or will you be proud that your girlfriend can love you and others as well?
 
Recently she informed me that she would be spending some time with one of her male partners (after hiding it from me in fear of making me upset).

Just how many partners does she have? How committed is she with any of them? Does she really love them? Does she really love you? If she loves you,
why is she concealing crucial information about her life from you? Because she fears you will be afraid? How good, then, is your communication with one another? How good can your love be if you are not communicating clearly?

Love, my friend, is intimacy, and care, and affection, and truth-telling, and vulnerability....

Does she love you?

I don't doubt that you love her. But you're going to have to find out if she is ready for love. Can she commit? Is she there for you? Find out.:)
 
Will you lie or will you be proud that your girlfriend can love you and others as well?

Yes! Nice one for a mono- guy! Good on ya, MonoVCPHG!:)
 
hi neonshadow. Mono is my monogamous boyfriend and together we have talked through this stuff at great length... from reading what you have written it seems that your girlfriend is a bit naive... and that is totally okay. She seems excited by the poly life she has created and wants you to be too. Maybe she just has never run in to someone that she loves and cares about that thinks differently than her.

When I met Mono we couldn't of been more different. He is military and I an activist. He is straight, was vanilla, monogamous.... me, I am pansexual, kinky as hell and poly. We were from different worlds entirely. I did the whole showing of pictures, being confused and upset when he had a hard time with things... he was frustrated, hurt, confused a lot of the time as I continued to express myself as in the only way I knew how. I was also confused, frustrated and hurt by his expression of himself in the only way he knew how.

The thing is that we were deeply in love and completely unable to give up on each other.... it has taken much time and A LOT of communicating of some really hard stuff to find a place of compromise. We will likely never find a place where we can have some boundaries around some stuff, but we do have some now that work.... the rest we compromise on... (you can read my blog for details). Compromise is just a fact of our relationship and many mono/poly relationships in general I think. Are you able to compromise with her? Is she able to with you? She will have to give up some of her freedom and you some of your need for her to be at your side only.

You raise some VERY important questions here.... family, house, marriage. Those are really big questions and I would look very closely at that. Mono and I have and are married, have kids, house, car, bike... etc. We have careers, aged parents that we are not beholden to in terms of their opinion meaning as much as it did when we were younger. We have been able to come together because those things are done and we are entering a different phase of life. This is working for us BECAUSE that is all covered. I doubt we would of even given each other time of day back in our early 20's :p Ya, I'm pretty sure we wouldn't of, let alone consider all the cultural norms that we could achieve together. It could very well be that she is just either not ready for all that, or never will be.

Good luck with your decision.
 
This is all so very helpful. In just the past day, and reading some of this, I am finding out more about myself. And through answering some of those questions, I am realizing what is truly important to me and what I need out of my relationship.

Redpepper, your description of the two of you sounds very similar to she and I. Two different worlds completely.

I can't thank you all enough, I feel much better and less vulnerable.
 
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