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Old 04-03-2011, 01:48 PM
Ummagumma Ummagumma is offline
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Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn View Post
Ummagumma, are you saying that you are poly by accident and not by 'choice', as it were, meaning you don't really identify as polyamorous and thus with the poly community?

While I think that it is a perfectly valid place to be in, going to a poly meet just might help to take of bit of the mystery around the lifestyle away. The people there are normal and nice and pretty functional (well, there is a higher than average concentration of Neo-Pagans/gamers/vegetarians/BDSM folks but you get the big picture ). One thing why I recommend people to check out their local group is that by just patrolling this board, you might think polyamory is all about high-strung emotional drama and processing. And then you go to a meet and see that struggling/transitioning mono/poly couples are actually just one side of the story, and there are a lot of people who are perfectly cool with their partners having additional partners. I think it's a bit similar for a gay boy coming from a small town to the big city and seeing perfectly nice and normal people who share the same gender identification cuddling and kissing each other. Just to see that you can be poly and perfectly functional and happy.
It's not I have a closed mind about polyamory or anything like that. I've never been your conventional woman --I'm very much a "free-spirit" if you will, and I would probably identify somewhat with all of the concentrations you state above .

However, I guess my issue with identifying as poly is that I don't really feel a need to seek any other partners. I've been happily mono up until now and I have many close relationships with guys, but they are platonic, and I wouldn't want it any other way.

So I feel like this was definitely a fluke thing. And it's still confusing to me, I suppose, as I'd never even heard of polyamory before I did some research into open marriage. But I respect this notion/practice very much and I've always been open to the idea, I just never thought it would be something I would be thinking about this early in my marriage.

I feel like the only thing that indicates to me being poly is that I love both my husband and my BF very deeply and I want to have both of them in my life always. But I don't think I'll be looking to forge new relationships, like by dating for example. If I happen upon them, sure, but I find that the building deep connections with others is often rare for me. I have close friends yes, but it took me a long time to find them. And even still, they don't compare to how I connect with my hubby or bf. I'm fine with that. I'm a big fan of the deep connection, and I don't happen upon it often and thus I don't seek it out. I let it find me. It's just who I am I guess. I don't know if this effectively conveys what I'm trying to say to you really; I know poly isn't some box where you fit or you don't, just like anything else in the world, its very gray as opposed to black and white. I guess I'm saying I feel very gray about poly :P

You bring up a valid point about meeting other polys though. I definitely see what you're saying about the forum perhaps conveying a skewed view of poly in general as this is where people bring their issues to be worked out. And that's definitely something I will bring up to my husband as well, so thank you.

I'm not closed to the idea. For instance if my hubby thought it was a good idea, I'd do it in a heartbeat. But we're both pretty shy and the whole 'group' thing is daunting. I will look into it, but I'm just being honest that I probably won't reach out to a group. On the other hand, if I met a poly person/couple that would be cool, and I may. I've always been fairly open to anyone I talk to about how I live my life, so maybe that opportunity will arise.

Thanks for your comment
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Old 04-03-2011, 02:44 PM
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BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
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Maybe you are just polysaturated? Not everyone's all the time on the hunt for more partners, at least LovingRadiance I understand is perfectly content with her vee.
Me: bi female in my twenties
Dating: Moonlightrunner
Metamour: Windflower
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Old 04-03-2011, 02:48 PM
Ummagumma Ummagumma is offline
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I like this term -- polysaturated.

Perhaps you are right
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Old 04-03-2011, 02:55 PM
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BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
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Hehee, it's not my term, I encountered it somewhere on the forums.

Very descriptive, methinks.
Me: bi female in my twenties
Dating: Moonlightrunner
Metamour: Windflower
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Old 04-04-2011, 03:44 AM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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Location: Oregon, USA
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I've never actively dated or looked for a partner, ever. That doesn't make me not poly, in my opinion. Being poly just means I have the ability to love more than one person at a time.
I guess I'm a bit different from you in that when I was in "forced" monogamy I was feeling trapped. However I have lived happily monogamously, as long as I knew I had the freedom to pursue my feelings if I were to fall in love with someone else. Right now I have only one partner, and I'm not looking for anyone (as I said, I never have) yet I don't feel "not-poly".

However, if you really can be happy either way equally, you might be the "bi" equivalent of relationship orientation: poly or mono, both work. I'm not sure if there is a term for that.
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Old 04-04-2011, 05:02 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Totally agree with going to a poly meeting of some kind. If there isn't one, then start one. Put the word out where ever you think would capture local attention and then meet. You can figure out how to make it anonymous or not, depending on what suits you... but it is possible to capture attention and let that grow.

As for cuddling and kissing, not all poly meetings are like that. It depends what the people are like and what the nature of the group is. Ours has its cuddlers but also people that aren't...
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Old 04-04-2011, 05:13 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Hi and welcome. You know, as I was reading through your initial post, I had the sense that you and husband don't need to worry too much about what polyamory is or about certain ideas that come out of the poly community. I thought that before I came to your post saying that you probably wouldn't be comfortable in a poly group setting.

Of course, this forum is a great resource for information, and the term polyamory is useful for finding other like-minded folks. Personally, I don't identify as polyamorous, I consider the types of relationships in which I want to engage to be polyamorous. I'm just me.* And I don't really even like using the term polyamorous. But really, no one can tell you how to "do" your relationships and it seems like you have simply discovered something new and wonderful for yourself, for which you simply have no previous frame of reference in order to know how to proceed.

If I were you, I would try not to get caught up in what's poly or what's mono. Your husband wants to focus more on broader aspects of this development - what does that mean, exactly? Everyone conducts their poly involvements differently. Some people are partnered and open to flings, and others are polyfidelitous. AND you don't have to belong to a greater poly community, participate in poly activities with other poly peeps, read all the books there are on poly, nor seek out additional love interests to live a life in which you have more than one, committed, ongoing, loving, intimate relationship. Sometimes things like this happen and you just go about your life and manage it like you would any other friendships. However, obviously, any emotional reactions to either of you wanting to be sexual with someone outside of each other will demand more attention and care than a friendship will.

What is important is listening to your heart and to each other, and to be as loving and caring in how you handle this new wrinkle in your life. I don't think that pushing your husband into reading about poly or going to poly events will be very useful or helpful right now. This is something huge for him to wrap his brain around and, although you can let him know that you will not just let it slide and disappear, I think giving him time to let it sink in is the right move. I would be careful not to harp on the issue too much (not saying that's what you're doing, but it's something to think about), as that will become irritating and cause him to get defensive. Just shower him with love and let him know that that will not change.

It seem you have lots of intelligence and common sense, as well as some real understanding of your needs, wants, and emotional life. Be patient and allow hubby to process this while keeping the lines of communication open. Perhaps, when he seems ready, you can just get together with him and the BF, in a social way, so that they get to know each other a little better. He might feel better about you being involved with the BF if he knows him and can trust him as a friend himself.

*From http://www.faqs.org/faqs/polyamory/faq/ :
"There aren't polyamorous and monogamous people; there are
polyamorous and monogamous relationships. The same person may
at various times be happy in both monogamous and polyamorous
relationships at various times in his/her life. What is right
depends on you and your feelings, and the feelings of those
you are involved in relationships with. You may at some times
be involved in a relationship that is monogamous, and that
may be the right thing for the people in that relationship;
at other times, you may be in a relationship which works
better as part of a polyamorous network of relationships. In
any case, the important thing is probably to act kindly and
responsibly, and to communicate clearly with intimate
partners and potential partners about these issues. Don't
deny your feelings or the feelings of those that you care
about. Get in touch with how you and those you care about
really feel, rather than how society wants you to feel, or
how you think it would be logical to feel, or how you've been
told polyamorous people (or monogamous people) should
feel. Then behave in ways which are honest, and which make
you, and the people you care about, and the people they care
about, happy and fulfilled. If this results in you having
more than one intimate relationship at the same time, or
being involved in a relationship with more than two people,
those who are big on categorizing and labeling people will
label you a 'poly person'."
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

Click here for a Solo Poly view on hierarchical relationships
Click here to find out why the Polyamorous Misanthrope is feeling disgusted.

Last edited by nycindie; 04-04-2011 at 05:19 AM.
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