escapewheel
New member
In need of a little outside insight.
My wife (JL) and I have recently gone through a rough time in regards to my first emotional connection outside our marriage. Being new to this I have made numerous mistakes. Hell we all did. Its been a month since things ended with NG and I and the resentment and hurt are still very strong.
What the core of it all boils down to is how JL and I deal with forgiveness. Early on in my friendship with NG, but after the connection was made, things were said by NG that JL took as an attack on JL and my relationship. Turns out JL was right but at the time I did not identify them as such. I knew the things NG said and asked were based on completely erroneous information and so I moved on with the thought that I would correct her incorrect notions. I forgave her in JLs eyes. In my eyes it was just a misunderstanding. JL on the other hand does not forgive easily (ever?).
At this late date whenever the resentment pushes us into an emotional conversation it always turns to JL telling me that I betrayed her by taking NGs side rather than becoming angry and dismissing her from our lives. "If SV (her current and long standing BF) would have said those things I wouldnt have hesitated to be rid of him". She does not forgive.
My problem is that even now, with NG out of my life, she is looking for me to be angry at NG for the things she said. Im not. I dont know how to be. I understand why she said them and I forgave her for it, as JL puts it.
How do I find a way to be angry at NG? JL tells me "you would go back to being friends with her in a second if I said you could". If there was forgiveness of bad blood all around, Yes, I probably would. I have never said that to JL but she is right and she knows it. I do miss having a friend with a connection like that. NG and I never had a physical relationship. We have hugged maybe half a dozen times in the last nine months if that counts.
So how do a long standing couple(~20 yrs) recent to poly and with two totally different approaches to dealing with people resolve resentment between themselves?
note: NG came along during the time I was coming to grips with JL and SV having a connection and was the person that opened my eyes to what JL wanted and needed from SV. There was a lot of jealousy and other baggage dropped by me at this point. I have not felt even a pang of jealousy in regards to their relationship since.
deffensive mechanisms of the players involved.
JL Impenetrable wall of eff off
NG lashes out with poisonous comments
ME forgiveness?
My wife (JL) and I have recently gone through a rough time in regards to my first emotional connection outside our marriage. Being new to this I have made numerous mistakes. Hell we all did. Its been a month since things ended with NG and I and the resentment and hurt are still very strong.
What the core of it all boils down to is how JL and I deal with forgiveness. Early on in my friendship with NG, but after the connection was made, things were said by NG that JL took as an attack on JL and my relationship. Turns out JL was right but at the time I did not identify them as such. I knew the things NG said and asked were based on completely erroneous information and so I moved on with the thought that I would correct her incorrect notions. I forgave her in JLs eyes. In my eyes it was just a misunderstanding. JL on the other hand does not forgive easily (ever?).
At this late date whenever the resentment pushes us into an emotional conversation it always turns to JL telling me that I betrayed her by taking NGs side rather than becoming angry and dismissing her from our lives. "If SV (her current and long standing BF) would have said those things I wouldnt have hesitated to be rid of him". She does not forgive.
My problem is that even now, with NG out of my life, she is looking for me to be angry at NG for the things she said. Im not. I dont know how to be. I understand why she said them and I forgave her for it, as JL puts it.
How do I find a way to be angry at NG? JL tells me "you would go back to being friends with her in a second if I said you could". If there was forgiveness of bad blood all around, Yes, I probably would. I have never said that to JL but she is right and she knows it. I do miss having a friend with a connection like that. NG and I never had a physical relationship. We have hugged maybe half a dozen times in the last nine months if that counts.
So how do a long standing couple(~20 yrs) recent to poly and with two totally different approaches to dealing with people resolve resentment between themselves?
note: NG came along during the time I was coming to grips with JL and SV having a connection and was the person that opened my eyes to what JL wanted and needed from SV. There was a lot of jealousy and other baggage dropped by me at this point. I have not felt even a pang of jealousy in regards to their relationship since.
deffensive mechanisms of the players involved.
JL Impenetrable wall of eff off
NG lashes out with poisonous comments
ME forgiveness?