Am I getting better or worse?

you know, she might just find that we are tolerant when she writes her version of what is going on... She might find it helpful to do that also. I'm sure all of us would be open to hearing it... besides, how would we know it's her if she wrote anyways, unless she says... we get threads on here all the time from people that are cheating. It wouldn't be any different I would think.

Thanks RP. I agree that it would probably be hugely helpful to her, if not now, at least in the long run. I am certain that she would find some great mentors here that could help her on her journey. Not a doubt that all of you would be gentle, especially knowing what shes going through.
 
Well it's been a lifetime since I updated. It's been nothing but an ever worsening trainwreck. SInce this, she ruined things with married guy #1 by screwing around with his best friend, has been dating like crazey guys from ashleymadison.com, and my mom passed away on the 8th of the month. She managed to be with married guy #1 the night my mom died, after we got into a heated argument and I left (we're living separately now). Im pretty confident she's now lying to me about who she is with. She hasn't shown any interest in me since ... August...maybe? She insists shes poly (bullshit) and need this, that she loves me and wants me. I call bullshit on the poly because her behaviour is anything but loving, shes dating like crazey, and perfers the lack of attachment with married men. She keeps saying things like she does it to 'feel' and she doesn't know how to be friends with anyone without sex. I recently took an online mental evaluation, and answered as if I were her, came out Boarderline Personality Disorder/Narcissit/Schoizd. While granted, it's online, it made alot of sense. I dont think it's Poly at all so much as just a way for her to harm herself. Some of these internet guys shes even meeting for the first time at her apartment. Additionally, shes done some pretty radically stupid, self destructive other crap. I'm sncerely worried for her health and safety, trying to find some balance where I can stay behind the perverbial safety glass. Ive reached out to her family with zero luck. Ive begged her to get therapy, again nothing...

There has obviously been a truckload of drama since my last post, I just dont have the strength or heart to rehash it all.
 
Oh hon, that sounds terrible. I'm very sorry to hear about your mother. I'm glad you're not living with your woman anymore, that buffer is better for you. We're here if you need to vent. I hope things look up soon.
 
oh there is something so not right for her. She is so not doing well. Neither are you either as a result. I'm so sorry for your loss, I can't even imagine. Loss from many angles really. *hugs*
 
Thanks guys. I really do think she needs help. Ive spared you alot of the details, but everyday is a new trauma/drama. I tried my best, but I just have to back off. She keeps asking me out/over, but everytime I put my foot down, I get weak and see her. It usually amounts to a fight, and I think Ive got 3 REAL kisses in the last 2 months. A mutual friend thinks she is going to keep pushing to get me back, and have her party life. I've told her repeatedly no,, but the more I try and stick to it, the harder she pushes. Frankly, I love her so much, and Im so mentally weak right no with all the other stuff, I have a real hard time saying no. She's going to see her brother next weekend, under the guise of telling him whats been happening, I dont believe she will tell him the WHOLE truth. I can only hope he points her in right direction. I've tried reaching out to her mom, sister in law, and lastly her brother. The family has some wierd "dont get involved" code of ethics. I really think she needs therapy. She's told me she's been calling trying to get appointments, but, I think it's just to shut me up. She's also taken to lying to me, which NEVER would have happened in the pre-this mess days. We've always been totally candid and honest, no matter how painful with each other.

IN September, she went to BF#1's Labor Day Party, managaed to get so offensively drunk BF#1s wife almost called cops, she hooked up very publically with BF#1's best friend, (which infuriated him). And had some other disgusting lewd, very public behavior. A few weeks later, I learned her antics were the talk of the town, and some how came up through a third party who witnessed it and was at another friends house laughing about it, not knowing the friend knows us (me since I was 15).

She went on to see BF#1s best friend regularly for 'quickies' for awhile, that didnt work, he just wanted to shag she wanted a friend.

In our numerous discussions she tells me shes doing it to 'feel' and she has no idea how to be a friend without having sex involved.

One of my pre-reqs along with therapy for us ever getting together is she needs one real friend.

She made friends with one of BF#1's former flings, out of a mutual hurt. I had hope for awhile. After a few weeks she wound up cybering this girl's crush/fling, and ruined the opportunity for a friend.

Theres also BF#3, she claims she hasnt slept with, I know she's lying, he happens to be a friend of BF#1's wife.

Keeping up?

Lets see now shes dating like mad guys she meets on ashleymadison.com a website to hook up married cheaters, some of which shes having come to her apartment for first dates.

All the while she's telling me she wants to work on us.
 
to be honest, you are making this mess worse. You keep going back to her. She has 0 reason to change.

Yes she needs counselling, but you are holding on really tight to a slowly sinking ship.

In our numerous discussions she tells me shes doing it to 'feel' and she has no idea how to be a friend without having sex involved.

Most notable thing you have written. Regardless of your relationship, she needs help badly. If this is true, she has some serious problems.
 
@Ariakas I completely agree with both points. I almost feel like its turned into some sort of war of wills. I keep telling her I wont see her until therapy, she pushes, I fall off the perverbial wagon...I know, I'm screwing up by seeing her, I don't deny it at all.

Last Tuesday was mom's wake, I spent first two hours of my day fighting with her that BF#1 was not welcome, I gave up arguing with her, called him and lit into him, he, wisely, did not show up. But the male 'friend' that Im certain shes lying about did. I let it go, I had enough on my plate. My mom's Funeral was Wednesday, she kinda acted like wife for the day, Thursday she returned to work, and had an overnight guest. Friday I met up with a bunch of friends for cocktails, she came along, left for a few hours, because she wasn't comfortable, and came back to give me a ride home. Yet another argument on the way home. Saturday and Sunday she stayed home, possibly even alone..I think she met a cyber guy or twoo Monday, Tuesday we had pre-arranged tickets to a cooking class, yet another fight, Wednesday she had a date with her male 'friend' I am certain she's lying about, yesterday she met e neew cyber guy for drinks, I know she was home early..each day, she keeps asking to make plans for dinner, which I just ignore, and ask if she's got appointment yet.
 
Last Tuesday was mom's wake, I spent first two hours of my day fighting with her that BF#1 was not welcome, I gave up arguing with her, called him and lit into him, he, wisely, did not show up. .

I am flabbergasted by this. What a completely an utterly selfish person. I have no words to say how offended I am for your relationship.

I think I am out of advice. I wouldn't ever let that disrespect stand. Your mom's wake, your choice to have it as respectful as you need it so you can say good bye. Having her fuck buddy there is pure 100% ignorance.

This must be destroying your self esteem. I am sorry if you have mentioned this but have you sought counselling? I obviously can't tell you what to do, I have no idea why you are still involved. Love is not enough to put up with this imo. You are getting nothing out of this relationship.

I am sorry for your loss, it is always sad to lose someone in your life you treasure. I don't know the type of woman your mom was, but maybe take some of the strength she had in life, to lift you up and give you the strength you need.

Best of luck with this continued saga.
 
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Ya, I was pretty pissed off too. It even got into "whats his wife gonna say, you know she wants to see you". The conversation got ugly. It was mind boggling to even deal with that day. Funny thing is when I did call him, he obviously knew I was serious, told him since he fucked her night mom died i really didnt want to see him there, he was so hammered that night (Friday) he didnt even really remember it at first. LOSER

I am going to get some counseling myself, my plate is too full right now, trying to get mom's final affairs in order, as soon as that settles, Im definately going to talk to someone. Not only is my self-esteem crushed, but Im so damn embarassed, all my friends are reaching out and Im too humilated to spend time with them.
 
At this point there is really nothing more I can give in terms of thoughts or advice. I have nothing more than consolment and support for you at this point. *hugs*

Until now I have been unable to reach out to her as her actions trigger me so much, but I've come to a place where I feel I could be supportive and a listening ear if she ever wants a friend.

You and I have talked of fb quite a bit and I have seen pictures of her and her chat back and forth on there; I feel I could empathize now. I know something of what she is going through, a tincey bit anyways and I would be glad to talk to her if she is interested. Other than that, know that you have a friend in me and I am here for you if you need an ear.
 
Dear Dazed. My young adult daughter is Borderline and I see her behaviors in your (soon to be?) ex.

They don't think the way typical people like you and I do. They do engage in dangerous behavior (sex w strangers, substance abuse, self harm [cutting], bulimia), and also lie to, manipulate and steal from their loved ones.

They can also be very charming, funny and loving when in the mood. They are often very artistic. That's how they hook you and keep you trying to bail them out time after time.

My daughter (22 now) had a very nice, stable, hard working, supportive (and damn good looking) bf for 2 yrs, but as she got sicker, she began to resent him for watching over her too much, policing her. She finally broke up with HIM. And I was glad for him she did.

PM me if you want to talk privately about how her dad and I cope.
 
Wow. Just wow.

I keep wondering if this situation is so completely out of your control, that you can't hope to influence it no matter what you do.

I'm so sorry about your mom, and for you having to deal with this craziness and disrespect at the wake, etc.

*hugs*, and here's hoping you can take care of you!
 
Sending condolences, love and hugs. Sorry that things are so hard right now. Please take care of yourself. You will get through this!
 
Where is the line between healthy and..

OK, so some of you know my current disaster.

My most recent concern is how do you know if it's poly. I was in my first truly mono relationship, and my wife (f&f) decided she was Poly. We have since gone our separate ways. Please do not get me wrong, I am not anti-poly, she handled things poorly. How do I, can I, ever decern if she is truly poly, or utilizing the term for some other unhealthy behaviour? She claimed poly, but behaves in a much more addictive, unloving, unkind, boardedline manner. How do I, can anyone, figure out if these are newb sans mentor issues, if or she is in fact, just off her rocker? Her behaviour seems to fall into a pattern that the less caring the partner, the more she falls, the more caring (me) the further she runs, she seems to be spiriling into a self-hate abyss. It seems, to me, that this isnt a ture loving poly nature. One of her most recent escapades has started taking money from her, Im disgusted by this, this jerk is 12 years her senior. We are no longer together as she committed herself to her new relationships, and kicked me to the perverbial curb.

I guess Im looking for some sort of validation that this behaviour is what will make her happy, and that shes not had some kind of mental break (which I believe is the case). Again, Im not against poly, or swinging, or any kind of alt relationship if done with repect for one's self and one's partner.
 
Having followed the situation, I can say with certainty that what ever your wife is doing, it is not poly. Not in any way, shape, or form. Even from the beginning, her stated intent never jived with the basic idea behind poly.

I wish I could give you some peace of mind, but you're not going to find the answer you're looking for. She's lost something along the way that only she will be able to decide to find again, and until then there's nothing anyone can do for her.

Please continue to keep yourself safe.
 
I have not been following the whole situation, but from your description of it, I will say nope, no sir, definitely not poly- not demonstrating nearly enough love, respect and consideration for herself or for you.

Now I'll throw down some thoughts I think apply.

When someone is endangering him/herself or others, seek professional assistance immediately.

People may say anything, but actions reveal the heart. So listen to what someone says, but trust what they do.

People change their behavior when it no longer works for them, and generally not before.
 
Dazed, I was hoping you might PM me since I see so much of my daughter in your wife. But if you see this I'd like to recommend a book that helped me tremendously in learning how to protect my heart and boundaries around loving a person cursed with Borderline Personality Disorder.

Stop Walking on Eggshells:Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder

This is a newly diagnosed mental health diagnosis, and still misunderstood by the medical community. This book is so helpful when you feel overwhelmed and hurt by having a loved one struggling with this awful disease. Please look it up on Amazon.
 
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