OK, this is my POV....
In most monogamous relationships, rules and jealousy are the norm, in a way.
I think in ALL relationship shapes, there are agreements between the partners. At the very minimum -- they agree to be in relationship and associate with each other at all!
I think in ALL relationship shapes, situations could come up that trigger "jealousy." It's only an emotion after all -- like happy, sad, angry, excited, etc.
That is, there is usually a mindset that, if one person cheats, it will cause intense jealousy in the other person, and will probably cause the end of the relationship.
If my spouse cheats and breaks agreements without notice, rather than just come to me up front to renegotiate agreements? I will be ANGRY at the LIE and putting my sex health at risk because we are fluid bonded. It's a violation of trust. There would have to be a taking of accounts and reconciling and yes. I could choose exercise my option to no longer participate and leave.
I'd be fine if he just told me the agreements no longer can be kept because he wants a change -- so we'd talk it out. Agreements to "check in first" is upheld, trust is still maintained, we now have sex with condoms and other barriers, and start doing labs again. I can be safe in my body health and he can enjoy his new honey. Or we choose to break up--
cleanly before starting something new elsewhere. Either is preferable to LIES to me.
There is, therefore, a spoken or unspoken rule to remain faithful. However, I get the impression, from most of the responses in this thread, that rules and jealousy are always bad things. How do you reconcile this view with monogamy? Do monogamists "have it wrong"?
Jealousy is an emotion. It is not a "bad thing." It may not be one of the "fun" emotions to feel, but it's
just an emotion. Let it blow on through and do its job.
I think it is the HOW persons process jealousy that could be categorized as "well handled" or "not well handled." Your senses are there to give you information about the world around you. You smell burning, you go check it out. Maybe the toast burned in the toaster. You see it is raining? You get an umbrella before you leave the house. You feel hurt I punch you in the nose? You tell me to cut it out, get ice, punch back, or all the above! You feel jealousy -- some need is going unmet. You respond to the sense alerting you and you figure out what that is all about and solve the problem.
The people in the polyship have the freedom to co-create their agreements however it is they want between them. Lots or few.
Neither approach is "good" or "bad" -- the approach just has to serve the needs of the people actually in the polyship for it to get along well and harmoniously as compatible players.
My GF and I still hope this is something we can revisit at a later time, but too many things I read, especially in some of the linked articles in this thread, resonated with me, and in a bad way.
Good for you both in deciding to take a time out to better think on things! And I mean it.
Taking a step back to better talk out "how" you guys want to "do poly" together so you can do it well and do it in a healthy way together is a good thing. Sort yourselves out, do whatever personal skills growth you need to do to prepare better, become secure in yourselves, define your boundaries and agreements and expectations. You will have grown closer for having shared the experience and will have grown stronger in your intrapersonal and interpersonal relationshipping skills. You both could benefit from that in yourselves and with each other even if there never are any other poly partners.
GL!
Galagirl