New marriage, new feelings. Looking for advice.

Whosthere

New member
Hello all, I have soo many questions and I can't imagine being able to ask them all here, so here I go!

Firstly, Just recently got married to the love of my life last year, and everything seemed to be amazing and could never get better! We recently had a misscarriage, and it is affecting us both differently. My wife began to grow distant a month or so after it had happened, and would reassure me that nothing was wrong.

When she got back from a short vacation with her father, she informed me that she feels she is polyamorous. This was a HUGE shock to me, came out of left field so to speak. Over the last 7 years together the subject was never brought up and even before our wedding, the stipulation of monogamy was in both of our minds, with each other, and noone else forever.

This decision was brought to my attention one week ago today, and I being of a monogamous backround am still having a hard time with understanding everything. For example, she has never experienced this idea either, but insists that my worries are false and her confidence is not(which in and of itself is one sided)

I know her feelings are not bad, or wrong. Just as my feelings about it are not. I love this woman with everything I have, and after she explained everything to me in her own mind, my heart sank to my stomach. Feelings of abandonment, that I cannot provide something for her that she needs, that she is in love with someone else allready and doesnt want to get divorced...

I know alot of these are irrational fears and insecurities like this are not pleasant. Before we even talked about it we both came to the conclusion that regardless of trying this lifestyle or not, if it promotes problems in our marriage we will end it, but afterwords it seems more like this is something she will do with or without my comfortableness.

I have a lot of fears and most of them come from an idea that I will never be good enough for my wife now. when I had told my spouse that I need longer than a week to adjust and to comprehend what this may mean for us, she became very upset saying that i can never understand unless we try it and there is nothing else she can explain or talk about. If just telling my spouse that I need some time to contemplate could create this much tension, what am I to believe will happen durring the relationships with others?

I worry about loosing my wife to this, not the idea, but the fact that we both are not on the same page about it. If I tell her that I do not want to explore the idea, or if we do and it isnt everything she needs or wants. My close friends had explained that her hormones and feelings(emotions) are still off balance from the misscarriage and can take up to a year to correct themselves.

If anyone can help me with some clarity, how this love for others feels, and if someone has come from a monogomous backround and became polyamorous, please respond. I need that clarification before I continue to speak with her in that regard, because my first reaction was to say no and that I was uncomfortable, but now that I have done some reading it is looking like a better idea, but not ideal. I don't want to risk my marriage.

Thank you all for your time.
 
I date a man who's married. One thing that he made clear from the beginning was that he kept no secrets from his wife and that if anyone ever brought up having a mono relationship with him (without her obviously) that we wouldn't have any more conversations after that. That is what happened to the women before me; they originally agreed to poly but changed mid-relationship. I knew from day one it was all of us or just them. Making that clear at the get go was good info to have. We are six months in and everything is pretty wonderful! I do think you need both spouses in the marriage need to be 100% committed to their marriage to wander into poly.
 
It is not healthy for you or your wife to attempt poly at this point. I would recommend that you both see a counselor and she see her doctor because it's likely that she is suffering emotionally from the loss of your child. I her state, she may not want to listen to you or your needs. Which is why I suggest seeing a counselor with her. One experienced in alternative relationships may help her be more willing to go. . . .make it a condition of you being willing to consider opening your marriage. Poly isn't for everyone, but it certainly won't work if you're blind sided by it while grieving the loss of your unborn child.
 
It is not healthy for you or your wife to attempt poly at this point. I would recommend that you both see a counselor and she see her doctor because it's likely that she is suffering emotionally from the loss of your child. I her state, she may not want to listen to you or your needs. Which is why I suggest seeing a counselor with her. One experienced in alternative relationships may help her be more willing to go. . . .make it a condition of you being willing to consider opening your marriage. Poly isn't for everyone, but it certainly won't work if you're blind sided by it while grieving the loss of your unborn child.

I agree 100%.
 
I feel odd not trusting a persons stated wished because gosh she's dealing with lady hormones. She may be grieving but do we remove her agency? And I ask that as someone who has miscarried before.
 
Thank you everyone for the advice and input. She is 100% certain that this is who she is and has not entertained the idea that it may be the problem with the hormones. I know poly-mono marriages are rare but not unheard of. The counsel of close friends say that unless we both are 100% comfortable with this or if we are not stable in the emotion and marriage it will only breed bad feelings in one end or another.i wasn't her to know I am sensitive to her feelings and emotions, and its even something I might be willing to try. I don't want to rush a decision and risk our marriage or our friendship/love because of it. I was raised catholic and have always personally felt that her love would ALWAYS be enough for me. From a polyamerous point of view, is that wrong or would it be insensitive to refrain from this lifestyle as a team if both of us are not comfortable with it? I don't want resentment on either side, and it allready is causing stress even just contemplating the idea.
 
I don't get how all the pieces fit. Newly married, agreed to be mono forever, plan (?) a baby, sadly lose baby, visit with her... father, and now she wants to be poly?

Does she want to heal from the pregnancy loss and still want to have a baby or more babies, and raise a family, or not? Starting a new family and trying to have a husband AND a lover or lovers is tough. Babies are so demanding, and so are new marriages and new love affairs.

She seems very mixed up. I'd say deep talks are in order. Is it possible she fell for someone while away visiting her dad? An old bf back in the picture?

I'd agree therapy is in order if she isn't being clear about her many somewhat conficting desires. If she won't go to therapy, she's checking out of your relationship. :(
 
Thank you everyone for the advice and input. She is 100% certain that this is who she is and has not entertained the idea that it may be the problem with the hormones. I know poly-mono marriages are rare but not unheard of. The counsel of close friends say that unless we both are 100% comfortable with this or if we are not stable in the emotion and marriage it will only breed bad feelings in one end or another.i wasn't her to know I am sensitive to her feelings and emotions, and its even something I might be willing to try. I don't want to rush a decision and risk our marriage or our friendship/love because of it. I was raised catholic and have always personally felt that her love would ALWAYS be enough for me. From a polyamerous point of view, is that wrong or would it be insensitive to refrain from this lifestyle as a team if both of us are not comfortable with it? I don't want resentment on either side, and it allready is causing stress even just contemplating the idea.

I am in a mono poly marriage on BOTH ends. Bluebird is in a mono poly marriage. There are quite a few of us here that make it work and work well.

That said poly has the habit of glaring a spot light on every flaw in a marriage. My husband Butch said it best. It is like taking a vase that looks solid. But throw a high powered light inside you will see every flaw you never saw before and make it seem worse than it is.

I am poly BUT that doesn't mean I have to always have more than one man in my life. I have the capability to love more than one man equally and deeply, but I am able to be in a monogamous relationship and be happy.

Like I said before this is not the time to pursue poly. I have lost 3 children and looking back that was not the time to bring a huge catalyst into a new relationship.
 
If I am understanding the advice correctly, noone here thinks it would be healthy to start a poly lifestyle at this point in time. And being in a poly relationship doesn't mean you have to have other partners, just being open to that possibility?
 
Yes I do not feel right now is a good time to explore polyamory.
  • You both just lost a baby. And you need time to mourn that loss and the loss of the hope and dream that went along with that child
  • Your marriage is very new. You need to have one hell of a foundation to make polyamory work.

Being poly does not mean you need to have multiple relationships you just have the ability to love more than one person on a romantic level. If Butch died tomorrow I could easily be in a monogamous relationship with Murf.

If Murf had his way he would prefer a monogamous relationship with me. BUT he fell in love with me already married to to Butch. He has accepted that this is how things are right now. If something were to change that would be up for negotiation.
 
I am terribly sorry for your loss.

Even without the miscarriage, I would not advise opening the marriage at this point. That is not to say never, but there are a list of reasons why people do not dive head first in to it. I agree with Dag. Grieve for the loss and give yourselves time to heal. Outside of that, it is a new marriage. A bit of an adjustment period is not unreasonable.

I would advise learning more about poly and talking to your wife. Do not let this consume your lives and existence. She is already in love with someone else, but what does she plan on doing about that? Poly is not easy by any stretch. This shit can be like a wrecking ball to a supposedly "good" and "solid" relationship. Right now, you two are reeling and grieving in your own ways.

All poly really means is you have the ability to love more than one person simultaneously. It does not mean that you care to even act on it or even desire multiple partners. There are some people who describe it is a need like food, water, and shelter. I always considered it a want and a choice. Thus, my lack of interest is my idea of normal.

Practising poly can be a challenge. There are some flaws. Mono/poly relationships can work, but the poly spouse and their partner(s) would do well to have empathy and compassion. I would definitely suggest improving your communication because your wife's extremes are all over the spectrum. I believe you two have a lot to discuss--even if you remove the hormonal aspect. I would imagine that this has sent you into a bit of a tizzy. There are some great people here, so ask whatever you want to know or search within the forum for it. I am wishing you all the best.
 
Thank you all soo much for the clarifications and the information. Obviously it's something me and my spouse will talk in depth about, but even from other polyamerous perspectives this isn't the time to start. I feel she would see this as me not being empathic to her needs and wants. But how would you feel would be a good way to go about that conversation, taking both her needs and feelings and mine into account?
 
Show her this thread for one. Explain that you are/ were feeling blind sided and wanted to learn more about poly so you found this website. She's welcome to make a profile and ask advice as well, but most people would agree that being newly weds is NOT the time to start poly, especially when you had agreed to be mono and never had any talks about an alternative. My husband and I were monogamish when we married and had always had the option of seeing others on the table. We didn't know poly existed until we'd been married for something like 5 years. We've now been married for 13 years and actively practicing poly for 4.
 
Correct, both people don't have to be in other relationships to be poly. I'm in a vee so clearly the hinge (my boyfriend/her husband) is poly - in relationships with two women. But both she and I are mono with him only. So we're in a poly relationship but are mono ourselves.
 
The other responders have given you good advice in stating that you and your wife are not ready for polyamory now. The only thing I would add is a strong recommendation that you get to counseling asap before she decides to act on it by finding a partner to cheat with before you are on board.
You cannot let yourself get bullied into this type of relationship or it will not work
 
Yes, I am the hinge in a vee between two monogamous men. It can work wonderfully, but it can also be crazy. I opened my marriage after almost 8 years - it is not something to do when you are grieving a deep loss and newly married. That is kinda nuts, in my opinion. To me, it sounds like she has already found someone and is letting you know she isn't going to give them up. Unless she is willing to talk about all of this and be truthful, this is going to be a disaster. Communication is huge. Being able to be honest and completely open with your partner is huge. Telling someone you have decided to change your relationship and then giving them no time to adjust is unfair and awful. You can see how fearful you feel - poly should be about LOVE and sharing, not making your current partner feel terrible.

I think she is being truthful in saying she has decided to do this with or without you. I would opt to let her do it without if she refuses conseling. A partner who is considerate and loves you will not force you into something that feels terrible. She should be encouraging dialogue and giving you support.
 
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