Poly journey of Mya and rory

I've been so busy with all the practical stuff around moving that I've had little time to think about what it is I want. Some stuff is obvious to me. I want to study and I will need to work (and want to start working already). I want to uphold my relationships with my partners. I've thought a bit about volunteering, but I will have to see if I have time for that.

But what else do I want in my life here in the Dream City? I am actually in a new kind of a situation of sorts, in that I am moving here with the plan and the wish to be able to stay here. For now, until further notice, maybe even for good. So, this thing, if I have a choice, it doesn't have an expiration date, as some other phases have had. Where I was last, I knew I would only be for 4 years (which changed into 2).

I would like to make some local friends. That is a hurdle in itself. Socialising with new people is somewhat exhausting. Well, at the university I will have to do it to some extent, so I might as well see if I meet somebody interesting. But another thing I came to think of is that maybe I'll go to the polymeet with Mya some more times. It's not every week so it's not too much, and there might be some people with friend potential there, too.

It might be fun to have something like that with Alec, as well. We don't tend to be very active without a specific thing, but I enjoy doing stuff with him. Dream City is such a big place, there's bound to be something affordable we both want to do and which would be a semi-commitment. I.e. we don't need to go, but there's something we are planning to do on a specific day so that it isn't killed by the phenomenon where you never get around doing something because you can do that any day and it's more effort than something else. Have to see what he thinks, and what there's going on.

Hopefully I'll get around looking into what is going on some day now before the phenomenon strikes again... :p
 
My friend from Home Country just paid me a long visit, it was really nice. :) Before that I visited rory and Alec in their new place for the first time. We went shopping for a bit and it was really nice. I hadn't spent time with Alec in a long time and I had almost forgotten how nicely we get along. Me and rory thought that it would be nice to spend some more time as a group than we have so far after moving to Dream City. I think Alec would also like it.

I'm going to visit Home Country next week. I have plans to see family and friends, including JJ and Bob. I'm really looking forward to it. I've been keeping regular contact with JJ and we get along perfectly. He's always there for me if I need help. Sometimes I wonder how come I let him go, but then I remember the reasons, especially the big reason that we just can't solve. :(

I feel a bit nervous about meeting Bob. I feel like neither of us have no idea what's going to happen when we see each other. I guess I'll just go with the flow. We had a really nice and funny chat the other day and I smiled the rest of the day because of it. No arguing this time and I was really happy about it. I remembered again why I like him. His sense of humour is quite weird and I can understand if some people don't get him. But when I got to know him better I started to get it, and now I find him hilarious.
 
It was my birthday recently and I celebrated it with rory and a few friends. She came to my place in the morning and brought a doughnut with a candle in the middle to my room. Aaaww! Then she gave me the sweetest present, I was so touched. What a wonderful way to start a day. :) Then we got ready and met my friends at an event we were all attending. The thing is, the friends are also my coworkers. These two have known about rory and the whole situation for quite some time now so I was happy to introduce rory to them. I was quite nervous about the fact that there was supposed to be another coworker attending that I don't know that well. I panicked a little in advance about what do we say if the topic of rory's other relationship comes up. But I guess I got lucky because she joined us very late so we were there at the same time only like an hour and during that time the conversation didn't go to that topic, which was good. I'm not totally out of the closet in the office, but a few coworkers know. We have quite a relaxed office and the reactions I've had so far have been mostly positive. I'm constantly coming out little by little. There are so many things to come out about! :p Like, some people know I'm bi, some know I have a girlfriend, some know I've been married to a man, some know that I'm in an open relationship and a few know about the whole package.
 
Coping with studies&work. Thankfully I really enjoy my studies and I also enjoy the food I can buy when I get paid for my job. ;)

I am seeing a pattern of behaviour and I'm writing to get it clearer and also so that maybe some solutions could be teased out of it.

My energy levels vary and with all that I have going on I, on occasion, 1. feel like I don't have enough energy. When I feel this, I often feel that I am doing so much I cannot put myself to anything properly, but doing things I need or want to do halfheartedly is not really something I am willing or even able to choose. It is just in my nature to commit and focus fully on whatever I am putting my energy into. Thus, when in low energy, I feel the need to recharge i.e. free time for myself without having/being expected to do anything (no matter how pleasant).

So, I feel this need for recharging. I have at various points learned ot adjust my life to this need, e.g. with a live in partner I have my own room/space separately. However, at the moment the new thing I need to adjust this with is having a partner live in same city but not living together.

So, the need for recharging manifests itself and so I feel like I 2. wouldn't really have the energy to do something I've planned with a partner. This is a different situation with a live in partner, since we'll still be seeing each other when I'm at home (even if I make use of my room a lot). But, for example, I might feel like I don't have the energy to go to Mya's the following night but would rather go home.

Now, if only things were as simple to do what I know I need to, i.e. at this point I should 3. communicate about this with my partner and make some changes in plans. I am working on getting better at expressing what I want and need, but it's a slow process, and so often when I need to express a loved one what I want (/need) it's all bundled up in emotional baggage.

It's a whole process to first get over my own obstacles on the way of acknowleging the need/want (because, you know, I want to have endless energy and be able to do all this stuff that I enjoy and also makes other people happy, and I really really have problems accepting the fact that that's not how I function). I endlessly question that feeling of needing to recharge, because it's not something tangible and I don't want to listen to it.

And since the admitting my own needs and talking about them and asking for something I want from my partner is emotionally difficult (even though I have a long history of proof that my partners are awesome people who want me to be happy and are willing to listen and don't punish me), 4. the communication process actually feels more energy-consuming than making no changes in the first place.

Summary: when I have low energy --> I need to recharge, but in order to recharge I need --> to do things that I don't feel like I have the energy for. But then I don't end up getting the recharging and you see the problem?

Potential solutions:

- I could get rid of the baggage and expressing my wants would become not-such-a-big-deal. This is ideal because it gets to the bottom of the issue instead of simply treating the symptoms. However, I am actively working on in and it doesn't seem that this particular baggage is going to be totally gone anytime soon. So I need to treat the symptoms, too.

- Different, i.e. less energy demanding way of communicating. Might be practical, but I don't have many ideas of what this would look like and also don't know how much a change of method would alleviate the issue.

- Adopting a more concrete framework, something more tangible for me to work with than the feelings of low energy. Something like spoons. I came across that a few days ago, and haven't looked into it, and apparently there's debate about whether able-bodied people should use the spoons as energy concept, but then there's also this cultural myth about how all people are so able except for those that are disabled, and then there's also the thing about my status in the health continuum, and so I won't go into that more. Maybe a separate post, when I have enough spoons to post one?

- Something else I haven't thought of..? :confused: Suggestions are welcomed.
 
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I don't have any concrete suggestions but I can empathize fully. For me, I know that just being around people (other than my boys) and being out of the house are both draining and that I need both preparation and recovery time. MrS knows this and Dude is learning.

For instance, in the morning I know I need an hour of reading/drinking coffee/lounging to "wake up" and prepare for the the day. When I get home from work I need another hour to "unwind" - change into lounging clothes, have a beer, check these forums, etc. During these time I don't mind that they are here but I don't want to talk/touch/engage with them. Dude was always trying to hug/ engage me right when I walked in the door and I would get all irritable. Now he knows to ask "are you 'home' yet?" :D

Also, for me, I don't like doing social / out of the house / being around people things on the spur of the moment - it's like I need time to "garner my resources". For example - The other day I get home from work, do my "unwinding" and am looking forward to a lazy evening. Dude wants to go out to a restaurant for dinner (MrS is out of town). I do NOT - I have just been at work all day - and leaving the house to go to a place that contains people just sounds exhausting. With MrS this would not be a problem - he is fine with going to a restaurant by himself, but Dude wants to go to the restaurant with me (because he knows I would enjoy the food there and wants to share it with me). So he counters with the suggestion that we go the next day - when I only have 1/2 day of work and can come home for an afternoon at home before going to the restaurant. So, now I have a day to prepare mentally AND a plan for recharging beforehand - I agree.

I try not to agree to plans that don't allow me adequate preparation / recharging time in the first place. So I rarely have to back out at the last minute. The boys have learned/are learning to accommodate this - and will just make plans with each other to go do stuff, with an open invitation for me to join them but without the expectation that I will.

JaneQ
 
Rory, I'm not saying that this is what is going on for you - but one thing I would look at personally is this: when you have the thought, "I don't have the energy" is it really that you lack energy at the moment, or is it just a story you tell yourself to avoid something? Because a lot of times we have been trained (either by ourselves or someone else) to tell ourselves one thing rather than admit something else. If we think it is a failing in some way to be hesitant about meeting some challenge, or if we feel insecure or undeserving to go out and enjoy ourselves, as some examples, it's much more "convenient" to say, "Oh, I'm out of steam, I need a break." I find myself saying I am overwhelmed a lot, but I know a large part of that is really not wanting to look at anything to do with my divorce because it makes me feel like a failure and a reject - so I'd rather be overwhelmed and stressed and go to bed than to feel or admit any of that!

So, what I would look at it I were you is how I feel when I do take that break and give myself time to recharge. While relaxing, do I really do nurturing recharging things, or am I just feeling relieved that I didn't have to go do something I didn't want to do for whatever reason? And of course, with the awareness you find, it's important not be be critical or judgmental of whatever you discover - 'cause it's fine either way. But it just helps to know ourselves better so we don't have to keep telling ourselves fibs. ;)
 
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Sometimes it makes me feel like a difficult person when rory expresses that she has a hard time asking for the things she needs. Even though I know it's not about me. I have told her that it's ok if we spend less time together / don't meet when she doesn't have the energy. But still she feels like it's difficult to express this. I don't know what to do to convince her that I won't be upset if that happens. When she tells me that it's hard to ask for spending less time together and at the same time she's making plans to see me, it makes me wonder what is the thing she actually wants and is she making plans with me just to make me happy. Nycindie's comment was interesting and I'm looking forward to hearing what rory has to say about that. Maybe there is something she's avoiding doing with me? I'm a big girl, I can handle it if that's the case.
 
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I'm on my way home from Home Country. It was really nice to see family and friends! Things are very good with JJ. We met and talked, I packed the rest of my things and he was planning his visit to Dream City to see me. My mom said that this is a prime example of what a divorce should look like. We still want what's best for each other and there's no bitterness or anger. I'm glad there hasn't been any drama.

Things are good with Bob as well. We are still FWB, but now it's just long distance. We meet when it's possible (mainly when I'm visiting Home Country) and meanwhile keep in touch. We had a few difficult and emotional conversations and as a result we seem to understand each other better. He did mention that he is open to both exclusive and non-exclusive relationships, so it is very possible that one day he's in a monogamous relationship. We talked about whether we have enough in common to keep this friendship together if there's no sex and intimacy. I guess we'll just have to wait and see.
 
Mya - sounds like an interesting discussion with Bob. Cool that you're able to talk about this stuff, get some clarity of where each of you is coming from

rory - I have similar experiences to this, I think, often triggered by my failure in other areas (not relationships) but it flows on. I want to be whole-hearted in what I am doing, but inevitably I need to cull/prioritise the things in my life so I have enough energy for everything.

When I'm juggling things, and I feel like I'm dropping some of the balls, I feel like I need to stop, reassess myself, and restart. I can't just keep going with the next thing and the next thing. If the "next thing" is quality time with a partner, even if there's no particular issues between me and them, I might not feel like hanging out with them. I want the option of 'me' time instead, or first, or whatever. Even a short time. And I may not even need that.

It's just that, if there's a commitment to do something else, and I feel like I'm not altogether right with my own shit, I would like the option to break that commitment. It's a weird thing to have to say. It's like you need time out from being reliable.

Thing could be way off-base compared with how you're feeling. But at times like that, it helps when I'm with people who know me and the way I process. Their acceptance assures me I don't have to go into details when I need some space. I can just flag it, and take it, and I get what I need, and I'm back.

It can be hard, though, when you're all tangled up, to find the right words. I liked that 'spoons' article. A simple way for me to say what I feel, at times, could be: "I know have a commitment with you but I'm tumbling a little bit and I might need me time. Can I be unreliable and see how I feel?" If there's already a context of understanding around this, things can really be that simple.

Glad you're working on it, and hope you find a way through that makes sense to you. Recharging when you need it is so important! (Though I was intrigued by nycindie's take on things, above. A good counterpoint and something I will take on board too as a challenge to myself in those times)
 
fuchka: Yeah, I think it was interesting too. I'm glad we can talk about these things, but it's not always easy for him.

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I've realised a few things about Bob. Throughout our friendship we've had this same conversation many times where he thinks I'm trying to turn this into a relationship and me convincing him that I'm not. The problem is that we see friendships very differently. My friendships are usually very deep and I tend to talk quite openly about everything to my friends. I also keep regular contact with my closest friends and talk to them often. So basically when I treat Bob the same way I treat my other friends, he gets the feeling that I'm trying to make this into something more, because his own friendships don't work like that. It is quite frustrating at times because I feel like I need to treat him differently than my other friends. But the last time we met and talked I realised something. He has actually took a few steps toward truly understanding my point of view and taking it into account. I just hadn't noticed it because I was looking at things from my own perspective and from there it didn't look like much. When I realised that for him these things are actually something he doesn't normally do and he's making an effort, I started to appreciate him more. :) They are small things but I value them a lot now.

The other thing I realised is actually more about me. I like getting to know new people, flirting and the excitement of wondering whether they like me and whether this is going somewhere or not. I'm sure I'm not the only one but yeah, I like that unfamiliar territory where you don't know anything yet but there is potential for something. These kinds of situations happen all the time and 90 % of them don't go anywhere beyond flirting. But they're fun and I enjoy them. And this is also why I enjoy being in an open relationship. It's not so much about the actual sex with other people than the freedom. I absolutely love the feeling that anything could turn into something (sex, a relationship or something else) if both of us wanted it. And what has this to do with Bob? I feel like with him I get kind of best of both worlds. He's not a stranger so I know I can trust him and I know that he likes me on some level. But at the same time, there's always the uncertainty, from his side at least. I never know what goes on in his head and when we meet I get the same excitement about not knowing what's going to happen. By this I don't mean that I expect it to suddenly turn into a relationship but the fact that I always wonder are we "just" friends or are the benefits still there. At times he questions whether he can keep this up so I'm always left wondering how he's going to feel about this the next time. It's not all positive though, it makes me nervous too. But it is what it is, I'm just trying to make the most of it while it lasts. :)
 
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The other thing I realised is actually more about me. I like getting to know new people, flirting and the excitement of wondering whether they like me and whether this is going somewhere or not. I'm sure I'm not the only one but yeah, I like that unfamiliar territory where you don't know anything yet but there is potential for something. These kinds of situations happen all the time and 90 % of them don't go anywhere beyond flirting. But they're fun and I enjoy them. And this is also why I enjoy being in an open relationship. It's not so much about the actual sex with other people than the freedom. I absolutely love the feeling that anything could turn into something (sex, a relationship or something else) if both of us wanted it.

this! yes! It's what I always try to tell friends when I try to explain about what's so great about being in an open relationship. It's about the possibillities, the opportunities, the freedom. It doesn't even matter that most of these connections don't go beyond the flirting stage.
Thanks for articulating it.
 
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Thank you Jane, NyCindie, and fuchka for your responses. I really appreciate them! :) I don't feel like thinking about that lack of energy stuff too much right now, but I want to write about one realisation I had.

I notice that it is sometimes hard to express my needs not really because I fear my partner's reaction, but because when I am in that bad place, I feel any reaction is difficult to take. Seeing the disappointment is horrible. But to have my partner say "it's okay, it's no big deal, I still love you" feels like something so undeserved. Even though, rationally, I think that is the coolest response to give, in that moment where I lack all perspective, I feel like the worst person on the earth, and getting sympathy makes me feel even more selfish. I know that is completely untrue, and I see that myself at any other time, but when I am emotional enough...

So, I talked with Mya and we came up with one idea. We agreed that if/when I next feel like I need to cancel plans, I will text her and she will, at that time, only reply "ok.". Somehow, that feels selfish, because I definitely want her to be able to express it if she feels disappointed or anything else. But, the aim is to separate the "expressing need" and the "receiving reaction" parts from each other. That will (hopefully) make it somewhat easier for me to communicate when I am in that place of low energy; because it's really in everybody's interest that I recharge when I need to. And then I am totally open to talking about it later if either of us wants to.
 
Mya is coming to visit me and Alec. Fun! :) It's becoming maybe something of a by-monthly thing, and I like that. I so much enjoy that, being in the same city, all group time is 100% optional. That has a huge psychological effect on me, because it rids me of any responsibility I feel about everybody having fun (not that it is anyway, but emotionally it's not always so simple). I also totally enjoy the fact that my partners like each other and seem to want to hang out with each other sometimes. That is totally cool! :)

I got a good idea today. It's been bugging me that even though we are now in Dream City, where there is insane amounts of cool stuff to do and see, me and Alec never seem to get around to doing something together. It's the combination of lazy, my insane schedule, and serious lack of money (oh, btw, Alec FINALLY got to start his job last week! I have maybe never felt quite as relieved... Well, maybe when we got this apartment and didn't go homeless.. :rolleyes: This fall has been stressful. Hopefully getting much better from now on! :) ). Totally understandable reasons, particularly the last two. However, there is a problem with this. When we don't take some time to reconnect, we tend to get along worse and also not communicate as well.

So, today we agreed to have a monthly date! :) We also agreed that we will take turns to plan something. I am really happy about both ideas. The dynamic in our relationship is that I am generally the one to organise things. This works for us, but it is work. And I don't want doing something together to be more work for me, so I would feel resentful if I was the only one to make the effort to plan something to do. However, with taking turns it feels completely different. I love love love to plan surprise stuff for somebody, it's the coolest. It is also really cool when somebody plans stuff for me, and it shows me they care. So, fun and not work at all! :)

We also agreed that some money (in dollars around 50) can be spent on the date despite the shitty financial situation. If not all of that allowance is used, even better. But at the moment we are not really prioritising maintenance of our relationship enough. So even though time and money are limited, some need to be set aside for this. $50 and a weekend day once a month cannot be too much. We set up dates in our calendars: Alec will plan our date next weekend, and I am planning the following one in January. Yay! :)

In other news, about jealousy. Firstly, it was interesting to notice that last time when Mya visited Home Country and met Bob, I had zero jealous feelings around that. It hasn't been bad before, either, but I did have some jealousy when Mya and Bob lived in the same town and I was in a LDR with her.

Secondly, there's been talk about Mya possibly dating some. She can write more about that, but basically I notice that she is, if not really seeking another relationship, more open to possibilities. I am happy to notice that I feel mostly relaxed about it all. :) Even if changes may be coming, I feel surprisingly calm. I guess I feel like I'm getting everything I could possibly want and need in our relationship. And I trust that Mya values our relationship and that she will make decisions that take it into account.

The only thing I've been slightly nervous about is the potential of her living with somebody else. I've had some very mild passing jealous feelings, too, which have actually been kinda funny. As in "how can Mya move in with somebody else when I was with her first??". Hahah :p But it's of course not what I actually think, and I would be fine with her finding a partner she wanted to live with. The only thing I am actually nervous about is how that might possibly affect our relationship: if we could see each other/ have sex as freely as now. Anyway, I do accept that it is possible that in some situation or with some person, she might want to trade some of the freedom away for the potential gains of live in partnership. But it comes down to the same thing as with the dating, I trust her to make decisions that take our relationship into account, and I am sure we would be able to find solutions to mitigate the impact. Also, I don't expect this to be an issue for the near future, so we will cross that bridge if/when we get there.
 
Mya laughed at my description of by-monthly thing. A number of reasons. Apparently it's bimonthly. And, apparently there is a controversy whether it means twice a month or every two months. I meant the latter. Also, seemingly two visits is not yet a big enough sample to draw that conclusion. :D Anyway, I don't think the fact I wrote so obligates us to anything. :p

It was nice to have her visit. I made good food with feta and pineapple and mushrooms, and we played a board game.

Btw, if I were to live with more people, board games would be an excellent reason to do so. :cool: Mya and I talked about three-person-cohabitation last week. Not really in "planning this for us" kind of way, more in "theoretically, what could it look like and what do we think about it in general".

I think I am processing. Less because it needs to be decided now, more because I am contemplating what living together with a partner or several partners means to me. At one point, I rejected the assumption that it has to mean something specific, namely the culturally normative implications. However, now I am also thinking that just because I reject those meanings on the basis of "that's just how it is", doesn't mean some of them couldn't coincide with how I also feel myself. Also, there could be other meanings I give to living together.

Anyway, one thing I do notice is that I feel moving in together as some kind of commitment in itself. This is to one direction only. That is, for me a person can be just as committed to a non-domestic partnership (and I feel I am). Cohabiting is not committing to relationship, it is committing to a specific living arrangement. Now, commitment for me does not necessary mean for life. I mean if something works and lasts a lifetime, cool. But I consider commitment to be for the time being. I do feel, though, that living together, ideally, is not something I would enter lightly or exit lightly, either.

I also really value the potentially increased financial safety which comes from an extent of pooling resources. Of course that is not always given (e.g. at the moment it is crucial both I and Alec are working continuously to cover our basic expences). Still, in many situations living together can be an additional safety net.

However, that comes with the possibility that sometimes that safety net may actually be needed. Having to support somebody can create strain even in a loving partnership. So what about metamourships? I would imagine less incentive and more strain. Maybe that could work if there was the knowledge that the support would/will go also to the other direction. But what about different ways of spending money? If somebody has savings, so when suddenly unemployed can support themself, but somebody else relies on the safet net provided by the others? Or, could it be that everybody saves a certain amount each month, so that a communal safety net is provided?

Anyway, interesting stuff to think about. :)
 
this! yes! It's what I always try to tell friends when I try to explain about what's so great about being in an open relationship. It's about the possibillities, the opportunities, the freedom. It doesn't even matter that most of these connections don't go beyond the flirting stage.
Thanks for articulating it.

Thanks Cleo. :) It's nice to know there are others like me!

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I've totally enjoyed mine and rory's discussions about cohabitation. It's been interesting. At the moment I really enjoy living with roommates but I suspect I might want to live with a partner in the future. I don't know for sure though.

I recently created a profile on a dating site. I haven't done online dating in a decade so this is soooo weird. I had forgotten what it's like. Among other things superficiality, rejection and boring/creepy people. I very very rarely hit on anyone in real life so I also don't have to experience rejection very much. It's not like anyone has said anything rude to me on the dating site, but ignoring my message feels quite bad, too. Something about online dating bugs me a lot. It's like online shopping, but with people. I don't know how to descibe what I'm looking for because I'm open to so many different things. I've also noticed that maybe it's not such a good idea to bring up the fact that I like feminine men. It's apparently something that is very rare to admit, so if I put that as a "requirement", many people wouldn't respond because that's not how they would define themselves. For example there was this one guy who is a 99% match and to me sounds kinda feminine in the way that I define it. But in the question section he had answered that he considers himself masculine (options were feminine, androgyne and masculine). So that's also something that annoys me: people use words differently so basically you can get a wrong idea about someone, whereas if you met them in real life and that subject came up, you could just ask for clarification. Okay, rant over. Let's see if this online dating is for me or not. So far not liking it much.

I've been to a few different poly meet-ups and have really enjoyed them! In the last one I met this really nice bi guy and now I regret not asking him for his number or something. Hopefully he'll come to the next meet-up and I'll be brave enough to do something.
 
Reflections, thoughts. Coupledom, as it seems to be understood and practiced by many.

I often have conflicted feelings about reading a solo poly blog over here: http://solopoly.net/

On one hand, I totally support the aims of the blog (e.g. awareness and deconstruction of couple priviledge) and I think it is very important; and, there's a lot of good stuff. I feel that since I do have one non-domestic and one domestic partner, I am happy to get perspective on what kinds of things it is easy to disregard that are important from other perspective.

On the other hand, there are things that limit the usefulness for me. Besides the use of primary/non-primary distinction that I reject, I keep running into these cultural assumptions of coupledom that just baffle me. Or, simultaneously don't and do. I guess I'm in a bubble where I lead autonomous relationships, and have people close to me who also lead autonomous relationship. So I sometimes almost forget how intertwined, coupley, the cultural model of romantic relationship is.

But, for example, this kind of advice "8. Invite non-primary partners into negotiations and decisions that affect them." feels just non-applicable (even if I filter out the primary connotations thing and read it in terms of who I live with etc.). I find it difficult to even articulate why it doesn't resonate. I make my own decisions. Obviously, I talk with people they affect. Is that the invite, talking to people? And obviously, the people affected are free to tell me their opinions and ask for anything they would like to be done differently, and obviously I will consider these things (and may or may not do them). And then we'll talk some more about it. Is that the negotiation part?

There's some weird cultural couple unity that does things like makes decisions. That somehow makes a communal decision by couple AB something different to a decision made by both A and B. That somehow takes away the agency of both A and B in merging them to AB. That somehow makes the responsibility for choices invisible.

Something in this cultural coupledom stuff is completely twisted.
 
The date went well, but I'm not sure if there were any sparks. I think he was goodlooking, intelligent and nice, but I didn't feel like he was that into me. Well, we'll see. We didn't say anything about meeting again, so I'm not expecting much.

I've been thinking about the good old primary/secondary thing. This time from the perspective of a person who is maybe some day starting another relationship. I have to deal with the fact that many people seem to use hierarchy and I can't necessarily escape that. There's this girl I've been messaging with. We're planning on meeting at some point. She mentioned that she's in a primary relationship and they're both happy with that arrangement. That's obviously fine, but I think I'd like to know her definition of primary. I don't really want to feel like a secondary in the sense that the primary always comes first, whatever my needs are. But then I don't want to be anyone's primary either in the sense that I would make all the desicions with that person and be all one entity with them. If everyone thought this like rory I wouldn't have to think about this at all. :p

I feel like at the same time I fit and don't fit into all/any poly categories. I'm a solo poly in the sense that I don't live with a partner and I'm not married and I can date whoever I want, but I'm not a solo poly because I am in this serious and committed relationship. I'm in a primary relationship in the sense that rory is my significant other, I share my life with her, plan a future with her, take her into account in my decisions and spend quite a lot of time with her, but I'm not in a primary relationship because we don't always put each other first (there are other things in life besides relationships), I don't live with her and we're not married. I'm in a secondary relationship in the sense that rory is living with and married to someone else, but I'm not in a secondary relationship because I don't come second, I'm considered just as much as Alec, and rory is a big and meaningful part of my life.

You see where it gets confusing? This is definitely not a problem in mine and rory's relationship, but in my attempts to communicate my situation to others, maybe potential partners. I'm open to relationships developing how they will, but then I see all the requirements in people's profiles; some people are looking for a secondary and some singles are looking for a primary to be poly with. I don't want any of that, but maybe it's just the way they use the language and don't really mean it the way I interpret it. I want equal and flexible relationships that have a possibility to grow, is it really that rare? That's what it feels like when looking at dating profiles.
 
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I've been to a few different poly meet-ups and have really enjoyed them! In the last one I met this really nice bi guy and now I regret not asking him for his number or something. Hopefully he'll come to the next meet-up and I'll be brave enough to do something.

I saw his profile on a dating site and sent him a message! We exchanged phone numbers and are going to meet up probably next week. I used the term "hang out" instead of "date", so I think we're meeting as friends, which is good. Less pressure. :) I really like his cheerful presence and funny remarks, he is just fun to be around, so I'm really looking forward to spending some time with him.
 
Noticed an interesting interaction today:

me: so when do you want to meet again?
Mya: how about Friday?
me thinking: oh cool actually Friday is good cause I could maybe stay until afternoon or so cause I probably won't have too much to study and also that will leave me still time left to spend most of the weekend at home and also to see Alec who won't be home on Saturday morning anyway and fun to be able to spend a bit more time together
me outloud: yeah, Friday is actually really good
Mya: so maybe you'll not have to leave quite as early in the morning, then

Now here comes the interesting bit. My response to her was something along the lines of: "I'll have to see, I may have to study but probably can stay longer than usual". Which is not untrue, that may happen. But I'm not expecting that to happen, in fact as you can see from above, my own thought just a second ago was how nice it would be to be able to spend some more time together.

It's just, that seems to be some kind of trigger. That if I give a time frame/estimate, or my partner expresses a preference and I don't counter it right away, then I am bound to that. Which will make it then more difficult if I want/need to do something else, because I've already given the impression of a specific thing. That is, it triggers a feeling of being constrained. As being less free to choose what I do with my time. It seems to be somewhat irrelevant that the thing I'm committing to is something I actually would want to do anyway. There's still some psychological change of the free time being slightly less free due to being scheduled.

I find that interesting. (Also, me writing it here should not be read as a sign of this being a big deal, nor as a request to make any changes; I simply like analysing ;)). Also, I notice a different consequence. The trigger happens and causes me to express the fact that I may not be able to stay long. But in that, the impression she gets is about my busy schedule (true) and not about that I really would like to spend time together (also very true).

Kind of like an unfortunate circle: I feel like I want to spend time with her, she expresses that she wants to spend time with me --> I get anxious about her expecting something of me that I may not be able to do so I emphasise that I'm not promising that time + anxiety about having to feel like my time is accounted for + feel resentful about how she doesn't seem to trust that I, too, want to spend time with her (note - the triggered impression rather than something I consider valid) --> as a result of the trigger, I end up emphasising the non-commitment way over the willingness to see her, which actually could quite well undermine some of the trust she has in me wanting to prioritise spending time with her.

Now, this analysis was about my conversation with Mya this morning, but similar things have come up earlier with Alec. Somehow I just got a hold of some details in a new way this time. Have to process some more, but I feel like there are some valuable things to note.
 
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