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Old 01-29-2017, 04:20 PM
Beka Beka is offline
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 18
Default rough night, beka [pm]

i'm in rehab for stroke, on top of ms

quite simply, i want more quality time w dh. to him a homemade meal that i can eat [diet probs], brought to rehab in plastic containers, eaten in my room SHOULD EQUAL evening out with gf, fine dining, candles, wine, dressed nicely, eating food he enjoys but my body won't allow. he says i'm counting beans and shouting unfair!! he acknowledges eating in rehab room is less, but its food that i can eat. do i take into account the hours cooking it, bringing it to me, & other caregiving stuff he does for me [definetly] as i count those beans & shout unfair? i want quality not quantity, & i feel off balanced. he insists all the caregiving beans & few special events we share = the time [nights/days] he spends w her going to restaurants i can't, seeing movies i dislike, & other stuff... he insists it's me counting beans.

am i really that off base?? a weekend of carefree fun w friend[s- consider a weekend tournament w the guys or gf weekend] is worth a weekend's worth of caregiving time mixed w watching tv & eating home cooked meals w me? really?
do i have to realign my expectations? if so, tips welcome. i feel greedy & selfish & clingy.

ALSO suddenly he's told me twice this week that he is extremely overwhelmed & really miserable w life. down deep he wants to sell the house, his car, his books, hobbies, & possessions. he'll give me the $$$, buy a cheap car, & leave gf & me behind as he starts a life elsewhere. he won't see/talk w a professional. he isn't suicidal [that's me]. i don't know what to do for him, calm him down. he doesn't know what would make things better.

he went home last night, ate popcorn & fudge, played w dog simon, & watched sci-fi movies/netflix. & hopes life is better today.

2 weeks of rehab to go, out valentine week. he asks why should that be a problem? afterall we never do anything. it's when i moved to austin to live w him before our marriage. no not important to me after 31.5 years. [so i get to imagine him on a valentine outing w out me?]

a big part of me doesn't want to go home in 2 weeks.
do i drastically change my perspective? tips on how?

i cry, ague w him, type y'all [thx] & trumblr, no paints, chat sparingly to staff, deep breathing, sleep, eat.
maybe another stroke
Peace Within
[[no caps makes typing with multiple sclerosis using only one finger each hand much easier]]
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Old 01-29-2017, 04:23 PM
Beka Beka is offline
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 18
Default rough night, beka [pm]

I'll Try (Jan 29, 2017)

Iím sorry for the discord
and disharmony,
the shattering of your calm veneer.
You do so very much for me,
To be my friend seems much.

The food and laundry, cleaning too;
Is giving care too much?
no time for you, I understand.
Time off, away I give,
arms open wide I try
To give you liberty.

Iíll try to be content
With seeing you
In the time you have to give.
Iíll try to not want more
As I see you giving friends.
You have no more to give,
I truly understand.
No time nor energy
Beyond your loving care.

I love you and you love me.
And that should be enough.
A hug, a kiss, an I love you,
thatís all that i should need
Beyond the giving care.
I love you and you love me,
Thatís all that really matters.

[more maudlin thoughts on tumblr bekatexas]
Peace Within
[[no caps makes typing with multiple sclerosis using only one finger each hand much easier]]
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Old 01-29-2017, 05:36 PM
kdt26417's Avatar
kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Yelm, Washington
Posts: 14,558

Hi Beka,

Sorry you are having a crappy time. I don't think you are counting beans, you just have needs that your husband isn't meeting. Maybe he's just feeling sorry for himself. If he would just spend more quality time with you that would help. I hope things are better after your rehab is done.

Kevin T.
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
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Old 01-29-2017, 06:21 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 6,213

I am sorry you struggle.

You want more quality time with DH. Under the present circumstances, since you are in rehab, what would "quality time" look like to you? In the whole post... I didn't see where you actually say.

On his end, it sounds like he would like to be seen in context, and maybe some appreciation. He sounds like he's burning out under the stress of caregiving. He is not willing to see a professional about it.

Well... is he willing to help you make arrangements for someone ELSE to do some of the caregiver work? Like he brings the meals, but someone else cooks it? Does he need rest? Could getting him a maid/lawn help clear up some of his time so he gets more rest?

Then maybe he's not so burnt out and he can give more energy toward the "quality time" things you want to be doing?

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Old 02-17-2017, 03:40 PM
SW1231 SW1231 is offline
Join Date: Feb 2017
Location: Annapolis, MD
Posts: 51

Keep in mind that having an injury can SERIOUSLY put you in a funk. Add to that, you're in a rehab center, trying to recover. This is a truly crap situation, and keep in mind- the person this is most difficult for, is YOU!!
I broke my upper arm in half, 2 years ago. I had a 2 year old, and a 5 months old daughter. I was doped up, constipated, I couldn't nurse my baby, or hold her, for that matter. It was hell. And, everyone around me stepped up, and we all got through it- but it was a dark few months, for me. Don't chalk your feelings up to you being needy, don't hate on yourself like that! Being trapped in a hospital rehab SUCKS.
But, for me, my injury steered me in a direction that ended up being SO positive. I knew I had to get my strength in my arm back, I did PT, OT, and then, I decided, I am going to work out every day, and be stronger than I was before I broke my arm. I am an ADD nightmare. So for me to set my sights on something and go for it, and to achieve and actually surpass those goals, was HUGE for me.
My point is, first, give yourself a break. Second, consider using this shitty situation as a catapult into something good.
Good luck to you!!! Be well!! <3
P.S. I also realize that I made no mention of your feelings on relationships/care taking/partners, etc., but I feel like the whole hospitalization/rehab thing might be the main thing feeding all those other feelings. Thoughts?
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