Need advice

Happygirl1968

New member
Hi,

I am new here. My husband and I had been swingers on and off for about 9 years. 3 years ago My husband and I met a man (who I had befriended on a website). We had a 3some and after that I was allowed to see this man on my own. Over time we fell in love. My husband was aware of the growing feelings from the beginning and kept saying he was ok with it. He said he felt secure with me and he was not threatened. It did not affect my husband and my relationship and I still love him very much as well. My husband was okay with my boyfriend taking me to medical proceedures and spending my birthday and Valentines day with me while he was out of town. He would let him come over On Christmas Eve, New Years Eve, out to dinner with us etc

about 6 months ago we had a family issue with out daughter. This really stressed my husband out and he became very cranky and moody. He has since come out of that BUT while he was in this bad place he told me he wanted me to stop seeing my boyfriend. This crushed me. I was always honest and open, never broke rules and it had been almost 3 years of me seeing him. I didn't understand. He said he felt insecure and jealous. I know he was going through a rough time.

I am now trying to deal with not being able to see my boyfriend who I also love. In a way I am resenting my husband for letting it go on for almost 3 years and telling me and even encourabging me.

He said I can still remain friends with him, so we text and chat. But I am so sad. I want to continue to see him. I don't know what to do. Any advice?
 
Are things okay with your daughter now? While I can understand wanting to see your boyfriend and get emotional support from him, if there is still an issue with your daughter, it might be best to table the idea of being able to resume your relationship with your boyfriend for now, until you're sure things have stabilized.

If that issue has resolved, how long has it been since your husband "came out of" the darker mood that the issue put him in? How long has it been since he asked you to stop seeing your boyfriend? If a reasonable amount of time has passed, you might try talking to your husband about your other relationship. Ask him whether he thinks there's a possibility of him being okay with you resuming that relationship, either now or in the future. Remind him that, while insecurity and jealousy are emotions and therefore happen, you and your boyfriend always stayed within the agreements and boundaries and intend to continue doing so.

One thing I want to say... Kudos to you for following your husband's request and not sneaking around to see your boyfriend. Some people would do exactly that under your circumstances. That might be something else to point out to your husband, that even though you don't understand the reason for his request that you end the other relationship, you've respected it despite how difficult and painful it is for you.
 
My husband and I had been swingers on and off for about 9 years. 3 years ago My husband and I met a man (who I had befriended on a website). We had a 3some and after that I was allowed to see this man on my own. Over time we fell in love. . . . He would let him come over On Christmas Eve, New Years Eve, out to dinner with us etc . . . while he was in this bad place he told me he wanted me to stop seeing my boyfriend. This crushed me. I was always honest and open, never broke rules and it had been almost 3 years of me seeing him . . . I am now trying to deal with not being able to see my boyfriend who I also love. In a way I am resenting my husband for letting it go on for almost 3 years and telling me and even encourabging me.
Hi and welcome.

I bolded certain parts of your post that come across as if your husband is your boss, who tells you what to do. You make it sound like you ask permission from him to do the things you want to do. He isn't your boss, nor your father - he's your partner. You don't need his permission to live your life as you see fit.

Together you agreed to swing, and together you agreed to make room in your married life for you to have a boyfriend. After three years, how the hell does he think he can put the genie back in the bottle? And why are you kowtowing to his bullying? There is another man's feelings, another man's life, to consider, as well as your own. You do have a say about how you want to live your life and express your sexuality - it's your body, and your heart... now where's your backbone?

If I were you, and I did not wish to give up the boyfriend, I would tell my husband I do not agree to not seeing my lover because an agreement has been in place between you and it should take two people to rescind it, only after much discussion and negotiation. He can't just wield his authority over you, like a king over his subject, and go back on his word. You are an autonomous being and have a right to as much love in your life that comes your way and you don't have to ask his permission - that's not the same as his consent. Essentially, what consent in polyamory boils down to isn't about giving one's partner permission, as that is not anyone's to give but the person themselves. It's about acceptance and consenting to making space in one's life for two people in a couple to pursue the things in life they want, and have the people in their lives they want. Marriage is not meant to be a dictatorship!

Furthermore, no amount of outward placating will help him do the inner work he needs to do to deal with his own insecurities and jealousy. That's an inside job, and it seems like a very flimsy excuse after three years of not being jealous. Think about it - are your husband's feelings more important than anyone else's? Yours? Your boyfriend's?

I would tell him he needs to find a way to accept it or leave the marriage. So, if he won't budge, and you want to continue seeing your boyfriend, then perhaps you need to choose between boyfriend and husband. Odd that you call yourself HappyGirl, when you admit to being so sad.
 
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As someone who would be in the boyfriends position were something weird like this to happen in my configuration, I have to say. I would be devastated if my 3 year relationship was put on arbitrary hold. I respect your decision to follow your husband's request but I would advise you both to think and discuss how your relationship choices are affecting and devaluing the 'outsider'.
This sort of occurrence is my deepest fear as the unmarried person in my v. I know I would never again be able to trust or continue a relationship if I were cut off like that.
 
Yeah if Butch told be I couldn't be with Murf anymore at this point, we are also 3 years into our relationship, Butch would be told to hit the bricks.
 
I have to wonder what is really beneath this sudden "jealousy." It usually covers fear of losing the partner. But you've been with bf for 3 years and haven't left your h, so what is really going on?


Was your daughter so ill or messed up, he feared losing her? And now that her situation is resolved, he is feeling less secure about holding onto loved ones in general, so wanting more of YOUR time?
 
Hi Happygirl1968,

I was just wondering if you had any news for us. You said your husband had come out of the dark place he was in (concerning your daughter); does that mean perhaps there is room to renegotiate with him about seeing your boyfriend?

I hope that situation works out okay.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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