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  #501  
Old 06-21-2018, 04:43 PM
AutumnLeaves AutumnLeaves is offline
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That's the nice thing about my relationship with Guitarist. We always talk about everything and, even when we're both upset, we practice nonviolent communication. It always seems to me like we're trying to reach solutions instead of placing blame.

Which helps me a lot because I'm the anal one and he's the laid back one, which means that the person getting upset is usually (but not always) me. I don't think that's because I'm some sort of superior person who fucks up less. I think it's just that he's more laid-back by nature.
__________________
"I am a leaf on the wind, watch how I soar."

I have a blog over here, featuring:
Me (panromantic demisexual 30-something)
Guitarist (my husband, who very occasionally blogs here; boyfriend of Spice; seeing Honeybee)
Flame (my long-distance relationship)
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  #502  
Old 06-27-2018, 06:43 PM
AutumnLeaves AutumnLeaves is offline
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Location: Midwest USA
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I feel entirely, utterly unprepared to drive out to visit Flame this coming weekend. At the same time, I'm 100% over working and this is the slowest that time has passed in my life. Ugh.
__________________
"I am a leaf on the wind, watch how I soar."

I have a blog over here, featuring:
Me (panromantic demisexual 30-something)
Guitarist (my husband, who very occasionally blogs here; boyfriend of Spice; seeing Honeybee)
Flame (my long-distance relationship)
Reply With Quote
  #503  
Old 06-29-2018, 04:27 PM
AutumnLeaves AutumnLeaves is offline
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Location: Midwest USA
Posts: 691
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I feel like every time I'm going on vacation, I've never felt prepared for leaving, with a few exceptions of having a couple days off in advance to prepare. Today, I was woken up by the following things:

I couldn't fall asleep to begin with. The bedroom was full of off-putting smells and I'm very anxious about everything so my legs twitched until like 1 am.
5 am, Guitarist coming to bed. For some reason it was like the bedroom door opened super loudly this time. I would have easily fallen back asleep except for
5:15 am, the doves in the pine tree by the bedroom window that I am literally going to burn to the ground, I swear.
6 am, my dog crying like she had an urgent need to go outside, except when I got up to let her out, she just wanted me to feed her. Uh no.
6 am to 6:45 am, dog crying and me unable to sleep but also refusing to reinforce her behavior by getting up and getting progressively more angry.
7 am to 8 am, messed up dreams.

I'm so tired. I hope I sleep well tonight before driving tomorrow but somehow I doubt that's going to happen.

I still have to pack literally everything and get all my medication in order. I also really want to hang my hammock so I can stop freaking out about Guitarist having guests in the bedroom when I'm gone and coming home and being unable to sleep in the bedroom ever again and then never being able to sleep period and losing my job and ultimately committing suicide from the sheer amount of undischargeable debt in my life in combination with being financially responsible for everything. (This is 'just' anxiety speaking though so at least there's that.)

tldr; I would like to be excited for this vacation but it's just not happening.
__________________
"I am a leaf on the wind, watch how I soar."

I have a blog over here, featuring:
Me (panromantic demisexual 30-something)
Guitarist (my husband, who very occasionally blogs here; boyfriend of Spice; seeing Honeybee)
Flame (my long-distance relationship)
Reply With Quote
  #504  
Old 07-10-2018, 04:36 PM
AutumnLeaves AutumnLeaves is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: Midwest USA
Posts: 691
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I have a love-hate relationship with my LDR with Flame. On the one hand, it's really nice to have a relaxing vacation with someone you love. On the other, I miss Guitarist and my pets while I'm out there. Now, I'm delighted to have Guitarist and my pets back in my life, but I miss Flame something fierce. I just want to move him and his entire wonderful friend group in next door so I can have all my loves in the same place at the same time.
__________________
"I am a leaf on the wind, watch how I soar."

I have a blog over here, featuring:
Me (panromantic demisexual 30-something)
Guitarist (my husband, who very occasionally blogs here; boyfriend of Spice; seeing Honeybee)
Flame (my long-distance relationship)
Reply With Quote
  #505  
Old 07-10-2018, 08:31 PM
AutumnLeaves AutumnLeaves is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: Midwest USA
Posts: 691
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Well, since I have a major headache but don't want to burn through my sick time and am ahead on my current work projects, I guess I'll post some more.

Seeing Flame was fabulous. The drive wasn't bad at all because of the variations in the landscape and because I was listening to Come As You Are, which I decided to do instead of listening to music. I had to turn it off to focus on driving through Chicago, which was the only time I got seriously anxious. The visit itself was a relay marathon of sex, binging Marvel movies (I got to see Infinity War, whee!), and hanging out with his friends, who are all awesome. I'm planning on going back in November and doing a mid-week drive and spending the weekend parts so we can hang with his friends more.

The last 24 hours sucked though. I was getting progressively more sad until at around 6 pm on my last day, he asked if I wanted to go over to his friends' house since they were grilling, and I burst into tears trying to explain that I didn't want to go because I was going to start crying any minute. So we didn't go. Driving home was better than taking the train in that one single way--it took my mind off how badly my heart hurt.

Guitarist had been at a family thing so I was expecting an empty house when I got home, but he headed home early to be there for me when I got back. I feel entirely undeserving of such sweet men in my life. I told him that my back hurt and would he give me a no-sex backrub, emphasis on the no expectation of sex because of how in pain and sad I was.

It did NOT end up being a no-sex backrub. The massage got me into a very comfortable place, and I started thinking about mouse brains and context. And then I did some being-present exercises, made a few suggestions from thinking about the sexy times worksheet, and hoo boy. We had ourselves a night.

Seriously. Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski. It is literally as good as everyone says. I am going to buy a hard copy and lend it to my mom. I sent Purr a text about it because some of the sections really made me think of her and how much she used to say she was broken. I want both Guitarist and Flame to read it, or maybe I'll read it to them.

I already mentioned how I hate missing the love I'm not with when I'm with the other love, so I won't go through that again, but I've been in a definite drop place the last few days. Work is hard.

Sleep is also hard. I didn't stress at all about the bed while I was away, and Guitarist did a good job of cleaning up after himself. But I've been having trouble relaxing enough in there to sleep. My sanctuary has been invaded, and if my brain pokes that thought even a little bit, it revs me up into anxiety. I keep smelling phantom smells, too, which is frustrating. It isn't even that I think I'm smelling Spice or Bee, it's that I'll think I smelled something only to sniff for a while and find out there's nothing there. But by that point I'm awake again.

I put like 20 holes in my walls hanging a damn hammock so I can sleep in my office if I need to, but I don't want to use it because I don't want to let anxiety control me. And there's also a performative aspect. I don't want Guitarist to feel like he did something wrong when it was my decision in the end, on something that he hadn't even asked for. Instead, I'm just not sleeping, so that's fun too.

What else. I'm chatting with a woman on OKC. I messaged her about a week before my vacation, and she messaged me while I was gone. There is a slow and deliberate quality to the conversation, and she's admittedly shy, so who knows. On not sure what to call her yet and I don't have the brain power to be clever right now, so it's just going to have to wait.
__________________
"I am a leaf on the wind, watch how I soar."

I have a blog over here, featuring:
Me (panromantic demisexual 30-something)
Guitarist (my husband, who very occasionally blogs here; boyfriend of Spice; seeing Honeybee)
Flame (my long-distance relationship)
Reply With Quote
  #506  
Old 07-17-2018, 05:42 PM
AutumnLeaves AutumnLeaves is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: Midwest USA
Posts: 691
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Ugh period blues, they are the total suck.

In poly news, I'm not sure things are going to go anywhere with the shy woman, but we did exchange numbers and are texting semi-regularly. She hooked me up with a podcast app that's been fabulous so far. I always had trouble figuring out how to get podcasts on my phone properly, and now I can listen to them again!

Meanwhile, I'm getting bubble tea with a different woman on Wednesday. She's some ridiculous OKC match, like 97% or something, who I sent a message to when I first opened OKC back up. She messaged me back yesterday, and we did the text version of hitting it off. So far she's fabulously witty and interesting. I'm going to call her Punk, since her interests include cyberpunk and punk rock.

She's in her early 40s and has a really appealing goth-punk style in her pictures. She was also in IT (sometimes I wonder about the sheer amount of poly-IT crossover in the local area), but she now parents her kids, nannys for kids with special needs, and drives Uber. I have a hard time getting my hopes up anymore, and I kind of snapped at Guitarist yesterday for teasing me about it being a "date," but it's promising so far.

I'm getting used to Bee being around and in Guitarist's life. A lot of the partner's-new-thing Feels are dropping away, which is a huge relief. And that's really it!
__________________
"I am a leaf on the wind, watch how I soar."

I have a blog over here, featuring:
Me (panromantic demisexual 30-something)
Guitarist (my husband, who very occasionally blogs here; boyfriend of Spice; seeing Honeybee)
Flame (my long-distance relationship)
Reply With Quote
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