I do deeply appreciate the idea that relationship and love actually resides on a level beyond the label or the definition. My authentic experience includes loving many and always has, including most of my exes. I am in fact still "in love" (whatever that means) with several exes. There has been no ongoing relationship other than friendship, but every time I see one of these exes I realize the great limbic connection is still deeply true and deeply there. I used to lie to a new SO and say "nope, no feelings for anyone other than you, darlin'."
So we honor all relationship styles, sexual orientations and preferences, etc., without having to pathologize or judge any of them.
At the same time, monogamy (like heterosexuality) is the dominant cultural paradigm and it seems a deeply entrenched part of human nature to want to label relationship and sex styles/preferences/orientations. The cultural imperative to be successfully monogamous seems very real to me. I have noticed a tendency for some, both poly and mono, who post here to brush that off, as if it does not really f*** with people on some very deep levels.
My personal experience is, it certainly did with me. My own judgments of myself as a failure and my own shame binds are intimately tied into the cultural prejudice to be successfully monogamous. I imagine the struggle to find one's own values and choices emerging out of the Great Myth of monogamy is just as difficult for monogamous people as it is for poly or non-monogamous people. I think everyone can benefit from a discussion of the shortcomings of the dominant myths of our deeply sick culture, as long as it is clear that is what we are discussing, not monogamy itself.
On the other hand, my most recent SO comes from a series of open communities and various underground, minority subcultures where attachment and jealousy are taboos, or even seen as a sign that one is not spiritually developed or enlightened enough. So she has had to struggle with emerging into her own values as well, realizing that she prefers/requires monogamy and that her feelings are just fine and not a sign of any deficiency or lack of anything.
I think her story is rare, however. It seems much more common to inherit monogamy as an assumption and then blame oneself or one's SOs if the relationships don't work out, only asking the question "is monogamy right for me?" after much suffering. This process is not monogamy's fault, but is true of any classic emergence out from under the dominant cultural paradigm. Why else would poly people refer to "coming out," in the same manner as people with minority sexual orientations?
Even if I were to decide I really am monogamous, I would not want monogamy the way it is often presented, depicted, described, defined. None of the perspectives so far in this thread are appealing to me. They all hark back to a mindset that had me in a despairing prison for a few decades. I have already shaken the hornet's nest enough on that score, however, and wait for perhaps more clear or at least braver souls (or my own bolder moment!) to revisit that area.
Immaterial