Problems? I'm confused. HELP!

VegasMamma

New member
So, I am fairly new to the whole poly thing... I've researched it and understand and am accepting of the dynamics involved

I met my "boyfriend" online many years ago. We flirted and had fun, hit it off, and I fell in love, so on and so forth. He told me he was married but that his wife was okay with our "relationship". In the process her and I became very good friends as well. It was always said that there was no problem with me sleeping with him if the opportunity ever arose.

So here I am now, moved from another state with my 2 children, living with them for the past 7 months, and he and I have obviously been sleeping together. They call me their 2nd wife, we are happy and get along perfectly. So what's the problem you ask?

Recently one of their ex girlfriends was over visiting and I caught the two of them in the bathroom messing around. Yes, jealousy hit hard, and I got angry... I was under the impression that if any one of us were wanting to bring someone new into the picture it was to be discussed.

So being angry and upset about what happened, my friends wife asks me, what was wrong, and I told her. Then she point blank asks me if I've been having a relationship with him. Well, yeah... :eek: WHAT!?!?! Um... I thought you knew! My feelings were that I wasn't going to discuss my sexual relationship I was having with him, just like I don't want to hear about their sexual relationship

So now she is angry she felt we lied to her, I'm angry because I thought she knew, and now she wants it to end between us.

I'm heartbroken that I now live here, my kids call them Dad and mamma and here I am being told that I can no longer have a sexual relationship with the man I love.

WHAT IS GOING ON HERE IF THEY LIVE A POLY LIFESTYLE? Am I missing something.:confused:

My suggestion is that we are all sitting down and talking about it because somewhere somehow something was misunderstood and that there is a lack of communication. But I'm confused how she can just make that decision and cut me off completely making me just a roomate :mad:
 
I have to say this is crazy and unfair... comunication is the key and i know u know this since u said u will all need to sit down. but it seems there is more going on. they invite there ex over and thats a NO NO right there. so something was being done behind ur back. POLY doesnt mean they can keep inviting ppl in the relationship. also when u said can one just end the relationship the answer is yes and that stinks. what state are u in? how long have u known the bf online before moving in with them?:confused:
 
It was always said that there was no problem with me sleeping with him if the opportunity ever arose.

Did she say this directly to you AFTER you moved in? Did you every bring it up to her or check in with her to she how she was handling things AFTER you started sleeping with her husband? Did the three of you ever sit down and discuss how/when she wanted to be informed that things had changed?

I was under the impression that if any one of us were wanting to bring someone new into the picture it was to be discussed.

The land of assumptions leads to getting bit in the ass more times than not, because nobody is "assuming" the same thing or everyone has different ideas of what was agreed upon.

My suggestion is that we are all sitting down and talking about it because somewhere somehow something was misunderstood and that there is a lack of communication. But I'm confused how she can just make that decision and cut me off completely making me just a roomate :mad:

Just as you were angry when you discovered your b/f making out with his ex, she is angry and could be making knee jerk reactions based on what she believes is betrayal by both of you. If she "assumed" she would be told when your relationship became sexual and no one bothered to tell her, it's not hard to see why she would think you guys were doing things behind her back. When you sit down to talk with each other do away with ALL assumptions. Never assume someone knows something, unless you have specifically told them, not just hinted at.
 
Thank you SNeacail! I in no way meant to betray her, that is not the type of person I am, and I want her to fully realize that when we sit and talk. I really think the EX needs to sit in on this conversation too.
 
Thank you SNeacail! I in no way meant to betray her, that is not the type of person I am, and I want her to fully realize that when we sit and talk. I really think the EX needs to sit in on this conversation too.

Of course you didn't mean to betray her, but that's likely how she is viewing the situation.

I don't see why the EX needs to be in on a conversation that is really about the relationship and boundaries of the 3 of you. Get the issues between the 3 of you worked out, then bring in the EX if there is going to be ongoing relationship with her also. The issue is about the communication and expectations the 3 of you and that all of you have been assuming and NOT communicating.

Good Luck!
 
Any suggestions on moving forward from the heartache I feel? (This is a whole different ball game than a mono relationship) I mean, after all, it's not like I can just pick up and move out... I guess I am now just the roommate with a past.
 
Any suggestions on moving forward from the heartache I feel?

Breathe. Give it time.

You are going to feel upset with him making out with the ex. Wife may feel upset on that too.

You are going to feel upset over wife just NOW learning you are lovers. Wife def feels upset on that too.

You can't help what you feel when you feel it. It's emotional storm inside. You don't get to choose to feel it or not.

What you DO get to choose is how to respond. You can choose REACT to the heat of the moment or you can choose ACT WITH INTENT. Emotional weather is just weather. To have sense to come in out of the rain is fine -- take a breather break. To burn the house down for not sheltering you enough from upset -- that could be a bit rash. So don't be breaking up or freaking out on your people just yet. Let yourself have time to cool off first. Let them have that time too -- they may say things in REACTION to the heat of the moment that may not be how they really mean it.

I'd suggest everyone take some time out to think about their needs, wants, and limits. Set an appt a week from now to go over it if all are willing. Establish your framework for conflict resolution because in life... there will be other conflict down the road. Learning how to ride it out together is part of the whole deal.

Me? How I'd do it? Spend that break time making your no more than one page bullet list and strip it down to the essential. Use "I" language.

  • I want .... because...
  • I need...because...
  • I feel...because....
  • I'd like to feel...because...
  • My hard limits are...because...
  • My soft limits (that could negotiate in time) are... because

Then start slotting into the right category. Don't worry about it being "reasonable" just yet. Just... get it out and slotted.

  • Do you want to clear up assumptions? What are they? Anyone else have others?
  • Do you want to apologize to wife for not checking in with her? (Did you assume he would?)
  • Do you want him to apologize to both? (Did he assume you guys would sort it out among yourselves?)
  • Do you want to know when/if other people will be on board?
  • Do you want to know what we have here? (a triad? a V? just roomies?)
  • How would you have preferred it go down? Why didn't it go down that way?
  • How do you feel when in conflict? How you do process that? What do you need in terms of support to get through it well? What could they each need in turn? Is what you guess about what they need in the ball park for them or not?

Those kinds of questions... sorted into feel, want, need and limit piles.

Then rest it for a while and come back to it for the reasonable check.

  • Are the things reasonable?
  • Are there things that are still assuming?
  • Are there things that are just expecting too much for what it is? Expecting too little?
  • Are there too many "shoulds" and not enough "coulds" in there? (ex: He should know I don't like... I could be more vocal so he knows that I do not like....)

Hang in there. Breathe deep. Breathe long. Breathe slow. Recenter yourself and then take it one thing at a time.

Remember this is polymath. There are various relationships here that took a ding not just one relationship.
  • Your relationship to yourself. You did not tell her you were lovers. You assumed things rather than taking responsibility. You may be upset with yourself.
  • Your relationship to her - she may be upset you did not tell her you were lovers.
  • Your relationship to him -- you may be upset he did not tell her. You may be upset he was making out with the ex without telling first.
  • Her relationship to him -- he did not tell her you were lovers. He made out with the ex. There may be OTHER things you don't know about that he's shirked her on.
  • His relationship to (you and her) -- Beware of him calling it like "all the girls are ganging up on me!"
  • Your relationship to (him and her) -- Beware of you calling it like "the marrieds are ganging up on me!"
  • Her relationship to (you and him) -- Beware of her calling it like "What am I? Chopped liver wife? You guys are ganging up on me!"
  • Your relationship as a trio communicating as a trio. This sounds weak -- a lot of assuming before you moved in on how the relationship would be. Now you've got to lay that out in a time of duress and cloudy emotional weather rather than a time of clear emotional weather.

Each of these branches may need it's own kind of repair work. Again, breathe. Take it one thing at a time.

GL!
Galagirl
 
Last edited:
Of course you didn't mean to betray her, but that's likely how she is viewing the situation.

I don't see why the EX needs to be in on a conversation that is really about the relationship and boundaries of the 3 of you. Get the issues between the 3 of you worked out, then bring in the EX if there is going to be ongoing relationship with her also. The issue is about the communication and expectations the 3 of you and that all of you have been assuming and NOT communicating.

Good Luck!

I agree. The EX does not need to be part of this conversation. Leave that for another place another time.
 
When it comes to what to do now, I think that GalaGirl has a fantastic approach which I would also endorse.

The lesson here, which is one we hear so often when it comes to relationships, is that stuff needs to be discussed with EVERYONE involved and highly DETAILED before any sort of commitment is made. Taking the word for it because someone may have hinted at you that it was ok, just doesn't cut it with issues that are so important, especially when it comes to moving yourself and family several states. This is your life and happiness at stake.

And it's not a question of not trusting someone's word - the saying is "Trust, but verify". One small conversation before you moved could have given you a heads-up to the fact that there may be an issue.

So you have been moved in together for 7 months and the wife is saying that she had no clue that you and he were having sex? How much communication do he and she have? Have you even had a discussion about boundaries for each of you, about safer sex practices? I am guessing that since this all seems to be based on assumption, there has been no such discussion.

Lots of issues, here, I'm afraid, a lot to do with the amount of time that has passed. I mean, if she didn't know, and he hadn't told her, then, from her perspective, he was cheating on her with you.... for 7 months...

Try to get this resolved one way or the other as quickly as you can so that you can start moving forward with your life, whatever that may end up being....
 
Thank you everyone!

Thank you all so so very much for all your feedback and support!

I'm feeling a lot better today, still heartbroken and confused... I sat and talked with her alone, and yes, she does feel like he cheated on her with me, she also feels like he put me first. She says she doesn't blame me for any of it because I was lied to as well. She understands that I in no way engaged in this to hurt her.

It is going to take some time, and I am so angry at him that he lied to us both, I feel like he threw what we had or could have had away.

We have agreed that the ex is no longer welcomed into our home. She herself is in a monogamous relationship, and her partner has no clue about anything, not to mention she came in and disrespected us in our home by doing what she did under our roof.

GalaGirl... Thank you for the reply, that in itself opened my eyes up tremendously!

Taking this one day at a time, but I hope we can mend our relationship, because I really don't want to leave, and I really don't want to be with anyone else either ;)
 
People sound like they are calming from the initial heat of the moment. That's is good.

Glad you are feeling better today in yourself.

Glad also that the branch of "your relationship to her" is doing better and she's not blaming you for this like you were out to get her or something. You both are on the same page about the ex not being welcome in your home is good -- that just adds to the messy.

Hopefully he's on board with that also when you talk to him alone, when she talks to him on that alone, and when you all talk about it to him in trio.

Keep working on all the branches that took a ding one at a time and do your best to avoid triangulation or the game of "two of you ganging up on me" obfuscating issues.

Perhaps his assumption was that the women would sort it out among themselves? Who knows what assumptions he had? Gonna have to find out and air those views.

But def continue to take it one thing at a time, sort it one thing at a time, take it slow, and everyone BREATHE. If the goal is still a harmonious, cohabitating "V" situation, let's all keep the overall mission in mind despite bumps in the road as you sort yourselves out.

GL!
GG
 
Last edited:
The fact that you and she have been able to have an open and honest discussion about this issue is HUGE and it bodes well for a good outcome.

It sounds like the major issue here has nothing to do directly with either of you - it's all about him and his honesty.

So, if you don't mind me asking - are you going to put sex with him on hold until you have worked this through? Or is she ok with you and he continuing to have sex?
 
The fact that you and she have been able to have an open and honest discussion about this issue is HUGE and it bodes well for a good outcome.

It sounds like the major issue here has nothing to do directly with either of you - it's all about him and his honesty.

So, if you don't mind me asking - are you going to put sex with him on hold until you have worked this through? Or is she ok with you and he continuing to have sex?

She told me personally that she no longer wants him to have a sexual relationship with me (This may also stem from them only having sex together twice in the last 7 months). I'm extremely hurt by this, and don't agree with that decision, but as her friend I told her I will respect her wishes and will let her know if he pushes for it. I really hope she changes her mind, because as I stated before I really don't want to be with anyone else.
 
Wow, twice in 7 mos? While in that time he's off with you sexually without her knowing in the home you share? That's got to sting her A LOT. As far as sexual needs go, I could see where she feels like he put his and your sexual needs first.

So there WAS more he was shirking her on. She had other needs going unmet you did not know about besides the need for clear communication. Sigh.

Frankly, I wouldn't be surprised if he's not having ANY sex with EITHER of you until you sort out the communication problems here and everyone is good again. Pretty big faux pas. I know you state you don't want to be with anyone else but I'm sure you don't want to be in like THIS -- in a big ol' mess.

In my world there's rights and responsibilities in relationships. Each relationship branch in your polyship could review the rights and responsibilities and see what end of the stick got dropped when and agree how to move it forward if the rship is to remain in place and heal from this big ding that's been made all the harder by not establishing a clear framework of your own 7 mos ago.

You could chalk it up to it being your first polyship -- dings will happen. It's how you COPE with said dings that will determine if the polyship will grow stronger or what. And this is a coparenting, cohabitating "V" thing here -- you cannot get away from each other in separate apartments or something. You have to deal with it.

It's all a big tangle right now and putting a pause on all things sexual til it gets sorted isn't FUN for you, but it's not a horrible or unreasonable soft limit for her to ask for right now in the emotional aftermath for all sex relationships to pause. It's kind of you to agree for now in the interest your friendship with her and in the interest of sorting things out to a better place first if the big goal is still a harmonious cohabitating "V." If that's the goal, sleeping with him while this communication break down thing is going on and her sex needs are going unmet is additional waves being made that doesn't need to happen or add on to the pile. Nobody died from not having sex for a bit. There's always flying solo and masturbating.

I could see where you both are super mad at him for various reasons.

I sympathize -- but breathe. Untangle this mess one layer at a time. I'll keep hoping for the best -- since your repair work with her seems to be going ok for now. Repair work with him will be a bigger ball of yarn.

Keep in mind you have been his lover for 7 mos.

To her you've been his lover for 7 mos for only 2 days. And the knowledge came in a cheaty context for her -- make out with exgf, and being loverly with the live in co-parent without her knowing!

You are going to have anxiety now for your home situation and want to know -- is that still the goal? A harmonious, cohabitating and coparenting "V" relationship?

And is it a soft limit (that can be renegotiated in time after healing has happened) for her or a hard limit (never happening) on your sexual relationship with him?

But some of that discomfort you all have to just own and deal with owning -- because she cannot give you answers she does not yet know. You all need processing time from the emotional storm.

Hang in there. BREATHE.

GG
 
Last edited:
Again, Galagirl has some great advice (you're making a habit of this, GG!)

She told me personally that she no longer wants him to have a sexual relationship with me (This may also stem from them only having sex together twice in the last 7 months). I'm extremely hurt by this, and don't agree with that decision
Well, you may well be hurt, but you have to remember that she never really completely gave full permission for you two to have sex in the first place, even though you thought that was the case.

You said in your intial post "It was always said that there was no problem with me sleeping with him if the opportunity ever arose." - Who said that to you - him or her? I mean did she say that directly to you, or did he tell you that she was ok with it? Do you have that in an email or something? Have you asked her whether she remembers saying that? Do you remember the context of the statement?

If you don't mind me asking - how on earth could the three of you live together in the same house and her not know that he was having sex with you?

but as her friend I told her I will respect her wishes and will let her know if he pushes for it. I really hope she changes her mind, because as I stated before I really don't want to be with anyone else.
This whole relationship needs to have the "PAUSE" button pushed until everyone has time to get this whole thing sorted out.

What has HE said about all of this? He is the one that seems to have been either accidentally or deliberately responsible for this. Not only that, but "messing around" with an ex without either of you knowing about it. I'd say that there were some major trust issues that need to be worked through - if not, how can you ever trust him about any aspect of your relationship? You can't rely on your friendship with his other partner for everything. He needs to take ownership of what he is doing.
 
I still trying to get my head around moving in ....being called a sister wife and never having a conversation on sleeping arrangements or sleeping/sex schedule. And the years of cyber sex...phone sex leading up to this. Why and how were you both lucky enough to not get caught? Why the lying if they're poly? You said "one of their ex girl friends"....is the wife bi? Does she have any partners currently?
 
Last edited:
Back
Top