Polyamory as a modality for spiritual growth

CarsonZi

New member
I'm curious to know if others here are using their poly lifestyle as modality for self-realization.

Having spent a significant amount of time and effort earlier in life trying to "achieve enlightenment" (through religion, psychedelics, music, yoga, meditation, tantra, regularly inducing near-death-experiences and more) I'm now coming to understand exactly how potent being in a poly relationship is for personal/spiritual growth.

It actually reminds me very much of a process/system called "The Presence Process" by Michael Brown. The process is to use a specific breathing practice and set of mantras to induce a state of being that is prone to emotional reactions, with the intention being to learn NOT to react to emotions instinctually but instead learn to sit with difficult emotions, breath through them, and let them dissipate as they will in their own time (a "this too shall pass" type of thing). What seems to result when an emotion is successfully "sat through" is that the emotion either stops surfacing, doesn't hold nearly as much emotional charge, or the ability to respond instead of react becomes possible.

My wife and I attempted to live a poly formatted marriage about 5 years ago, and we failed miserably... 100% my fault and I've learned many lessons from that attempt. After letting go of trying to steer our relationship in any specific direction we have now found ourselves at a place where we are both 100% wanting to have an open marriage and have jumped head first down the rabbit hole so-to-speak.

Having done this we are both now coming to see just how valuable this experience is to our spiritual growth. Being able to confront our collective conditioning as well as our own individual conditioning (which is stirred up by the emotions that surface as we begin to develop relationships outside of our marriage), while simultaneously being able to lovingly supporting each other, seems to be one of the most effective ways of learning to get over our own shit we have ever experienced.

Just curious to hear if anyone else resonates with this or not.

Love,
Carson
 
Every relationship - whether poly or mono, romantic or platonic - is a learning opportunity for self-growth. That is why we are not alone here on the planet. it is through others that we learn about ourselves, and if we pay attention to the dynamics we create, we will have a lot to learn. Polyamory shouldn't be up on a pedestal above other approaches or types.
 
Hi nycindie,

Every relationship - whether poly or mono, romantic or platonic - is a learning opportunity for self-growth. That is why we are not alone here on the planet.

Yes, of course. Every relationship is without a doubt an opportunity to learn about yourself. So is every moment if you are attentive enough. ;) I was more meaning to ask whether or not there were other people here who were using a poly relationship to purposefully seek out their hangups and learn to work through them. This may only be applicable to new poly relationships, I'm not sure. I probably should have phrased my post better... my apologies.

it is through others that we learn about ourselves, and if we pay attention to the dynamics we create, we will have a lot to learn.

There are lots of modalities for learning about ourselves. But I've never met of anyone who was using their poly relationships as an active way to seek out and work through their perception and ideological blockages.

Polyamory shouldn't be up on a pedestal above other approaches or types.

Fuckin' amen to that! Not saying that poly is better than any other modality... in fact, in my circle I got completely shit on for proposing this. Just wondering if anyone else is doing this is all. I'm new here... forgive me if I stumble my way around a bit. :eek:

Love,
Carson

P.S. I should probably mention that being poly isn't something I am "trying." I've been poly my entire life. Never knew there was a name for it until a few years ago. This is my first time being in a successful poly relationship though which is why this is something I am inquiring into.
 
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Hi Carson,

Re (from CarsonZi):
"I'm curious to know if others here are using their poly lifestyle as modality for self-realization."

Self-realization is a process I hope to experience through each hour of each day, and if poly is a part of my day, then it plays its own role in that process. I find that posting on the forum also helps me with the process.

Polyamory is certainly a good way to "splash cold water" on the old programming that we're so comfortable with. It challenges many of the standard assumptions.

Re (from CarsonZi):
"I was more meaning to ask whether or not there were other people here who were using a poly relationship to purposefully seek out their hangups and learn to work through them."

Heh, I am seldom one to seek new ways to discover my hangups; I embraced polyamory as a solution to a simple problem: What do I do if I fall in love with another man's wife? The discovery and processing of personal hangups was merely part of the price of admission.

To put all that in context though, I am an atheist and don't usually concern myself much with spiritual development. Asking me the same questions 20 years ago might have generated significantly different answers -- though I didn't even know about polyamory back then.
 
I suppose that entering into a poly relationship could reveal relationships areas needing work and growth, particularly involving jealousy, possessiveness, control, and acceptance.

We did not experience many of these concerns in our first poly relationship, as for some reason it was quite easy - perhaps we were all just particularly compatible. However, a few years later we decided to explore swinging, and there we found some areas (minor jealousies) that came to light, and provided us an opportunity to work and grow to overcome them.

So, I think any new relationship scenario can provide opportunities for self-examination and growth - whether you'd deem them "spiritual" is perhaps a personal classification.
 
Hi kdt26417,

Self-realization is a process I hope to experience through each hour of each day, and if poly is a part of my day, then it plays its own role in that process. I find that posting on the forum also helps me with the process.

I agree. Talking about things, whether on a forum or in person, helps me with integrating and processing as well.

Polyamory is certainly a good way to "splash cold water" on the old programming that we're so comfortable with.

Totally... this is exactly what I'm talking about. For example, I had quite a severe emotional reaction today when my wife told me that she was hoping to go out for drinks with someone this evening (we have to be on the same page regarding scheduling as we have two younger kids that require consideration as well). The emotional reaction completely caught me offguard, and to be honest, had me entirely irritated with myself as I thought I had already addressed and accepted it. So I found myself having to identify what the emotion was that I was feeling, figure out what was triggering that emotion (almost always a past trauma/unquestioned belief) and sit with it and try not to externalize it. I failed miserably today. I became emotionally reactive and closed off and angry. It took several hours for me to work through my shit, apologize and open up again.

Heh, I am seldom one to seek new ways to discover my hangups; I embraced polyamory as a solution to a simple problem: What do I do if I fall in love with another man's wife? The discovery and processing of personal hangups was merely part of the price of admission.

Yes, I'm sure that what brings someone to a poly lifestyle and how they deal with the emotions that arise is going to be mostly individual. For me, being poly has never been a decision, it's just been the way I'm wired. How I have dealt with this in the past has, in general, been like a complete douchecanoe, but I'm hoping that I can learn from my previous mistakes and use this as an opportunity to become a better person.

To put all that in context though, I am an atheist and don't usually concern myself much with spiritual development. Asking me the same questions 20 years ago might have generated significantly different answers -- though I didn't even know about polyamory back then.

I'm technically an atheist too as I don't believe in "God." But I don't think that means that I can't concern myself with spiritual development. I think that the definition of "God" has been usurped and should be taken back. To me, "God" is nothing more than Life itself.

It may take me a while to get used to the "environment" here, and I apologize for that. I am a long time participant of a large online yoga/meditation/tantra community and that is really my only exposure to online forums. I sometimes forget that phrases like "self-realization" means different things to different people. In the yoga community I'm referring to, self-realization is synonymous with enlightenment and enlightenment is generally defined as having a silent mind and a body that is "lit up" with ecstatic energy. So when I ask shit like "are others here using their poly lifestyle as a modality for self-realization" I'm sort of wondering if anyone here is actively trying to use the emotional turmoil that can be triggered by (perhaps only newly) poly relationships to make the mind quieter and less reactive. For me, I have been dedicated to shining a light into all the dark corners of my soul, using whatever tools I can find, since I was very young. I didn't intend to use being poly like this, it just seems impossible for me not to at this point.

Love,
Carson
 
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Hi central,

I suppose that entering into a poly relationship could reveal relationships areas needing work and growth, particularly involving jealousy, possessiveness, control, and acceptance.

That's definitely what I'm finding. I found out today that I still have active insecurity issues stemming from a previous relationship. I totally thought I had already worked through it all and that I was completely okay with being alone should that be what happens, but apparently not. More work to do for sure.

We did not experience many of these concerns in our first poly relationship, as for some reason it was quite easy - perhaps we were all just particularly compatible. However, a few years later we decided to explore swinging, and there we found some areas (minor jealousies) that came to light, and provided us an opportunity to work and grow to overcome them.

We've been exploring swinging a bit as well and I can see how, even when the connection is mainly sexually oriented, there is still personal conditioning that can be highlighted. I find myself having to face performance anxiety issues as well as stuff regarding sexual desirability. This doesn't seem to be highlighted as much in poly relationships where sex is just an extension of a deep emotional connection.

So, I think any new relationship scenario can provide opportunities for self-examination and growth - whether you'd deem them "spiritual" is perhaps a personal classification.

Yes, just like the word "God," how someone defines "spiritual" is going to be entirely individual.

There's a saying that goes; "words are but symbols of symbols, thus twice removed from reality." Words are always open to interpretation and are never heard exactly the way they are said... there's always personal conditioning that is flavoring the interpretation. Turns out though, we're in luck!! Polyamory seems to be a good way of unwinding that personal conditioning so that we can relate on increasingly deep levels without having to rely on shitty words, hahaha. ;)

Love,
Carson
 
We've been exploring swinging a bit as well and I can see how, even when the connection is mainly sexually oriented, there is still personal conditioning that can be highlighted. I find myself having to face performance anxiety issues as well as stuff regarding sexual desirability. This doesn't seem to be highlighted as much in poly relationships where sex is just an extension of a deep emotional connection.

Perhaps swinging is like poly kindergarten. You get to explore and discover some issues - and hopefully deal with them - without having them disrupt a more meaningful and significant (i.e., poly) relationship.
 
Re (from CarsonZi):
"To me, 'God' is nothing more than Life itself."

Ah, then technically, our belief systems are compatible. :)

Re:
"So when I ask shit like, 'Are others here using their poly lifestyle as a modality for self-realization?' I'm sort of wondering if anyone here is actively trying to use the emotional turmoil that can be triggered by (perhaps only newly) poly relationships to make the mind quieter and less reactive."

Ah, you speak of poly (and its impact on the mind) as a meditative tool. While I don't go in for "the silence of the mind," I do favor "peace of mind." Which is perhaps a way of saying I'm too lazy to meditate. :) I sleep a lot though. :cool:

Re:
"For me, I have been dedicated to shining a light into all the dark corners of my soul, using whatever tools I can find, since I was very young."

Most of us find the dark basements of our souls too ominous to venture into. Old, dark, creaking steps ... infested with cobwebs.
 
Hi Central,

Perhaps swinging is like poly kindergarten. You get to explore and discover some issues - and hopefully deal with them - without having them disrupt a more meaningful and significant (i.e., poly) relationship.

That is sort of how it feels to me. The conditioning that is related to sexual (only) relationships seems to be more superficial than the conditioning that is triggered when engaging in multiple emotional relationships.

After exploring the idea of swinging I have come to realize that this is not something I am particularly interested in personally. My wife is slightly more interested than I, but neither of us are particularly interested in sex without a deeper emotional connection. Casual sex doesn't seem to be something we are particularly drawn to.

Love,
Carson
 
Hi kdt26417,

Most of us find the dark basements of our souls too ominous to venture into. Old, dark, creaking steps ... infested with cobwebs.

Yes, most people I meet are like this for sure. To each their own. Personally I seem to have some masochistic tendencies and I don't seem to have the luxury of keeping anything hidden, especially not from myself. I can deny deny deny for years, but eventually life will put me in a situation where I can't hide from myself any longer and I am forced to look fully into the mirror and learn to accept that I am not perfect and still have lots of work to do.

Love,
Carson
 
When I look in the mirror I think, "So much work to do ... So little time."
 
When I look in the mirror I see a scared, insecure, needy child. I'm trying to learn to love and accept that poor little guy.

Love,
Carson
 
I once read, somewhere, that if I didn't have the parents that I wanted, that if my parents had treated me bad, then it's up to me to be my own parents to myself -- the kind of parents I always wanted them to be, the kind of parents I always thought they should be.

I really took that concept to heart.
 
I think I am going to sort of use this thread to journal a bit. I look at the entire polyamorous lifestyle as a spiritual path, so it seems fitting to chronicle mine in this thread.

I am fucking struuuuuuuuuuuggling today man. Holy shit. I am entirely blown away at how easy it is for me to love numerous people simultaneously, yet how incredibly difficult it is to watch my lover do the same.

My wife met someone yesterday, who she is obviously liking very much. She tried to downplay it big time (she told me about him via text message), but I'm very energy sensitive and intuitive and I picked up on it right away. It was like a fucking muay tai kick to the gut for me... and I'm still reeling.

She has been casually seeing a girl who lives down the block from us, who I also entertain some hopes of potentially dating in the future (she's amazing and seems quite down for that), and this relationship has been very easy to swallow. Having her (Dee, my wife) exhibiting these feelings for another guy however, well, it is like trying to swallow a brick with sandpaper glued to it.

In the past, the best way of working through difficult emotions that I have experienced is to allow the emotion to fully arise, and then just sit and observe it without judging/analyzing/building a story or externalizing it... and allowing it to stay as long as it needs to before it eventually dissipates. Really having a hard time sitting in the jealous/insecurity/self-worth feelings right now though. Anybody have any tips for working through/releasing this garbage?

Love,
Carson
 
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Hi kdt,

Would any of these help?

Absolutely... am slowly making my way through these and so far what I have read has been very helpful.

I actually feel like I turned a corner early this morning. I was really acutely feeling some jealous and insecure feelings when I got off work at 6am today and usually I would do just about anything to distract myself or externalize the feelings. But instead, I allowed myself the space to just sit and cry. I wept like I had lost something, or someone, and in ways I felt like I had. But instead of wallowing in self-pity, drowning in the sadness or building a story, I just watched the thoughts and emotions increase and decrease in intensity, and then slowly drift away, leaving me in a sort of radiant silence. I haven't felt any jealousy yet today and I have in fact felt more connected and loving than before.

You might also ask yourself why your wife's interest in a guy seems so much more threatening than her interest in a gal. Something to think about.

Yes, I've been trying to figure this out for a while but haven't been able to come to any solid conclusions yet. It's definitely related to security, but I don't really understand why. Why am I more secure when my wife has an intimate relationship with a woman as opposed to a man? What seems more threatening about her relationships with men? The only thing I can come up with at this point is that I'm still operating from a place in which I feel some sense of wanting to protect the relationship from outside forces that could threaten the stability of our family. I think that and I feel more threatened by men because Dee is more hetero than bi and there is some amount comparison/competition that I am mostly unconscious of.

Thanks again for all the links... will continue to read through them all. :)

Love,
Carson
 
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Glad to help. Sounds like you've had some catharsis.
 
Glad to help. Sounds like you've had some catharsis.

Yes, very much so. People around me often remark at how fast the "unwinding" process can happen for me a lot of the time, and some assume that this means that the unwinding is superficial or incomplete (and sometimes it is), but I truly feel like a lot of shit was released. I'm in no way under the assumption that these feelings are over or won't surface again, but I feel like there has been some progress made. Thanks again for all the links, super helpful.

Love,
Carson
 
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