Proud, scared, terrified, overwhelmed, confused, sad, mad, happy...

NoMansLand

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Who knows what I feel right now...I think there should be a word for the spouse of a person who realizes they are poly.
Although I may feel like our situation is different, the more I read and learn, I now know it's not.

We have been married 7 years and about 4 years ago a situation came up and we began exploring together. We had a couple of girlfriends but it was a Disaster. I had a feeling then that this day would come.

It came 3 weeks ago. We had the real nitty gritty honest talk and came to the conclusion that he is poly and I am...well I don't know. I had never opened my mind to the thought of each of us having separate relationships. All I know right now is I love him with all of my soul and truly want him to be happy.

I am looking for no judgements on my decisions but for help getting through the most challenging thing I have been through in my life. My husband is the love of my life and my best friend..I am trying to stay positive and encourage him and support him. This has me breaking down on the inside though because how is he supposed to enjoy this new life if im there with "feelings".
 
I'm sorry you are struggling. :(

I'm not clear on what help you need.

  • It sounds like you are ok with Open, but not with the idea of dating separately. Is that it?
  • Or is it that you never really wanted Open to begin with?
  • Something else?

Could you be willing to clarify?

  • What do you need to stop or reduce the internal break down?
  • What is it you need at this time to feel supported and encouraged? From who?
  • What is your final desired outcome? Like when "this" is all over... what would you like that be or look like? What do you want for yourself?

Could you also be willing to clarify those? Perhaps then people know how to help you better with some more details.

I hope you feel at least a bit better airing out some though.

Galagirl
 
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Greetings NoMansLand,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

I think the most important things are, first, go slow, and second, keep the channels of communication open. You don't want your husband to assume something (some detail) is fine with you, only to find out you're not fine with it at all. Get confirmation on even the little things. This is my advice for now, keep me posted as your situation evolves and I may be able to give more advice. Also you can post in Poly Relationships Corner and get probably more responses from a wider range of people. I'm glad you could join us in any case!

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
Okay..here it goes!

I'm sorry I didn't go more into detail, I am waiting on my post in relationship help to go through. I thought this was just and intro. However now that you have asked!


  • It sounds like you are ok with Open, but not with the idea of dating separately. Is that it?

    I don't know, he is on his first date now so I don't think I can know until he is back and we talk. I don't know if I'm okay with him dating without me..god that sounds so selfish...I want NRE!!! but with him
    To be honest I'm so confused between open marriage and poly marriage. I understand them both as having relationships outside the marriage. I'm okay with him being happy whatever its "title" is.
  • Or is it that you never really wanted Open to begin with?
    Open was something I swore I would never consider until I was put in that circumstance. I love him so much how could I not try? Just because I'm scared? He has told me he is terrified and won't do anything to lose me so if it becomes too much I can tell him stop. But then how is that fair at all? Like dangling a carrot...
  • Something else?
    The post coming up on the other part of the forum brings up the fact that we are in and LDR as of 1.5 years ago. I cannot find advice or help for started this situation while in and LDR

  • What do you need to stop or reduce the internal break down?
    I need to figure out on how to have my own life when I have programmed myself around my family. How do I do that when I know that takes time away from him..and all I want is more time with him.
  • What is it you need at this time to feel supported and encouraged? From who?
    I want to know how to encourage and support him while being honest about my feelings but not bring down his NRE.
    However I have tried making myself feel happy at the thought of his NRE...it's kinda working

  • What is your final desired outcome? Like when "this" is all over... what would you like that be or look like? What do you want for yourself?
    I want my self confidence and relationship confidence back. I feel like both took a sudden blow and since we are LDR, it's up to me to bring me back up. I have no support out here..I want to be my own support.

    I want my husband to be confident and comfortable with his true self. He more than deserves it. He is an amazing man and father. He just started a new chapter in his life and was lucky to land in career he absolutely loves and was born to do.

    I want our kids to grow up watching a loving relationship full of listening, understanding, and true love. Love for people because of who they are, not who you want them to be or who they think you want them to be.

    I want to be able to find my path..or even a path.. in life that makes me happy. I can't imagine my life without him. I love that he has found his way but now I feel like I'm trying to play catch up while I handle our responsibilities. Currently there is no way to resolve that issue as it involves the kids and we agreed fully to me being here and him being there.

    However, the last thing I expected was for this to come up right before I came back. Then for a first date to be a camping trip with no communication or when he will be back and to happen just 2 weeks after I left just felt like a stab in the back..even though I knew it would happen eventually. Why not let it happen now so it's not in the back of my head every day?





    Galagirl[/QUOTE]
 
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He has told me he is terrified and won't do anything to lose me so if it becomes too much I can tell him stop.

Presumably he would not offer something he is not willing to do. If this has you breaking down? Stop and ask him to stop. At minimum til you are not doing LDR marriage on top of it all. BEFORE he gets too attached to a new partner and stopping is harder.

I need to figure out on how to have my own life when I have programmed myself around my family. How do I do that when I know that takes time away from him..and all I want is more time with him.

Is wanting more time with him a symptom of the long term LDR? 1.5 years apart while he's off working and you are doing the single parent thing is rough.
It's not healthy to be joined at the hip, but I get missing your partner when they are far away for a long time like that.

Maybe this just wasn't the best time to Open?

I want to know how to encourage and support him while being honest about my feelings but not bring down his NRE.

Green is things you can solve in your behavior. Blue is things that are NOT in your control. They belong to him.

Tell him you want to stop while LDR. He seems willing to. So take the option. (That's being honest about your feelings. That you cannot handle this like THIS at this point in time. )

Then work on Re-Opening when you don't have the LDR burden / childcare burden as hard any more. (That takes care of encouraging him and supporting him at that point in time.)

I want my self confidence and relationship confidence back. I feel like both took a sudden blow and since we are LDR, it's up to me to bring me back up.

Why's it all on you to bring up relationship confidence? You don't think tending to an LDR relationship is on the people IN that LDR relationship? (You AND him?)

He's offered to contribute to the care of the LDR relationship by stopping. Why are you not wanting to give him that opportunity to contribute? :confused:

I think being honest about how you feel with him would help you with your self confidence. If you subsume yourself too much to the relationship and neglect yourself as an individual? That's not good.

I want my husband to be confident and comfortable with his true self.

He doesn't sound like he's not confident or not comfortable.

I want our kids to grow up watching a loving relationship full of listening, understanding, and true love.

Does this include self-love? Not like selfish, but like self care? Do you do self care or do you put everyone ahead of you and do self neglect?

If you are not happy career wise, struggling with childcare, doing LDR marriage now for 1.5 years --- that's a LOT on your plate, hon. When do you get a break? :(

I love that he has found his way but now I feel like I'm trying to play catch up while I handle our responsibilities. Currently there is no way to resolve that issue as it involves the kids and we agreed fully to me being here and him being there.

Do you mean career? Are you tired of doing the stay at home childcare thing?

Do you have friends you can trade childcare with? Is there a career path that would allow you to bring the kids or be near the kids? Or even volunteering that would allow you to bring the kids and started rebuilding your resume?

However, the last thing I expected was for this to come up right before I came back. Then for a first date to be a camping trip with no communication or when he will be back and to happen just 2 weeks after I left just felt like a stab in the back..even though I knew it would happen eventually. Why not let it happen now so it's not in the back of my head every day?

I am not sure I understand that part well. Sounds like you went to visit him, and didn't think he'd start dating on his own so quickly. Only to find out he did, and he went camping for the first date with the potential so he is now out of touch.

Is that it?

Galagirl
 
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1. I guess I feel like now that we are at an understanding of who he is..I don't have the right to tell him to be on hold for unknown amount of time. ( The child situation is custody which cannot be resolved for sure..maybe 3 years at the earliest).

2. Yes it is a symptom of LDR. There is no way for us to set out a schedule of when to see each other yet so right now it's about 5 times a year when we can.

3. I don't get a break and no I don't have any friends or family here. I have been at home with the kids since he left for work. I am trying to get back to work now which has our youngest having to go into daycare (19 months). I understand it's time and this will help me move forward in my life.

4. Yes we just came back from our summer family visit. The major issue I have with that is she doesn't know anything about him. We (him and I) don't know when you tell someone your poly and married AND your family is out of state...they are just building their friendship but my husband has made his intentions clear if she has the same feelings he wants to be with her...that's a "potential" right?
 
4. Yes we just came back from our summer family visit. The major issue I have with that is she doesn't know anything about him. We (him and I) don't know when you tell someone your poly and married AND your family is out of state...they are just building their friendship but my husband has made his intentions clear if she has the same feelings he wants to be with her...that's a "potential" right?

I just read your comment in the other thread, about your husband being on a camping trip with this women. Does she NOW know about you? If not, that's certainly not ethical. She is a human being and deserves to know what is going on. A HUGE red flag.
 
I also switched over to the other thread. Long story short, it is okay to ask your husband to slow down.
 
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