The Notebook of JaneQSmythe

I know what anxiety is like, it is no fun. I hope you'll get feeling better soon.
 
I'm glad that Dude got in touch and I hope that you feel better.

I know that it doesn't always help anxiety to hear what others think but the bond that you and Dude share sounds very strong. Also - the life he has with all of you sounds like pretty much what he wants. It seems highly unlikely that he would give up everything that he has and enjoys to be in a mono relationship.

Anxiety sucks. I've never had any treatment for it but I fully believe I was born anxious. Nothing bad ever happened to me but I was always worrying about things going wrong - even as a very young child. I didn't have the carefree time that most children do where they trust that nothing bad will happen to them.

I have good strategies in place but still, I pretty much always think that the worst will happen. Sometimes - often - I lose sleep over it.

I wouldn't get treatment for it because I feel that to get rid of it would be to get rid of myself. Plus it is often useful. I have a job that goes better for people who can see bad things coming and think of ways to stop them or deal with them if they happen - perfect for somebody with anxiety. I've achieved much that I know I wouldn't have been able to do without my anxious tendency to look carefully and observe what's going on. It's been life saving for those close to me more than once. Being anxious, on balance, brings more good to my life than bad so I tend to be glad of it.

For all of that, I hate those moments of panic where my mind can't rest and I can't sleep. Your description of your thought process last night was so similar to the sort of thing that I go through on a regular basis that I wanted to write to you.

I'm certain that when Dude comes back, he'll be able to reassure you of his love and lack of intention to leave you.

I hope you aren't too tired today and are feeling loads better.

IP
 
Sorry to hear that you're having a stressful moment. Not being able to talk and process with someone when you are anxious and eager to sort things out and put them to rest—that feeling is just the WORST. I hope things settle down soon. <3
 
Hi from another person very familiar with feelings of anxiety the way you just described. It SUCKS.

I wanted to share the strategy that I've been applying lately and that does seem to relieve the worst of it a bit - for me.
In my experience, beating myself up about the fact that I am anxious or scared, only sends me into a spiral of guilt and feeling bad about myself. What seems to work better is to go somewhere quiet (my bedroom, sometimes the shower works best) and close my eyes and really feel the anxiety and don't fight it. Facing it like that, looking at it, (sometimes I even talk to it, in a sort of welcoming way) seems to make it smaller. I don't know if this works for you, I guess you have to be open to meditation-like practices - but it's really working for me and I have had a winter where I woke up every night completely struck by fear - so I thought I'd write this to you.

I hope you get the chance to talk to him soon. Expressing your fears to another person is another good way to expose them and make them smaller, I think.
 
Thanks all! I really appreciate the support through this, my second I believe, anxiety time since I've been here.

Sunday was the worst. Monday I had to come home at lunch and touch MrS to get through the rest of the day. Monday night Dude came home but I got called into work, so we never really got a chance to re-connect. The rest of the week I was feeling somewhat better but not sleeping well so on edge and likely to take things the wrong way (and Dude has ZERO tact, at all, which I can usually brush off and not take personally - except when my tank is on empty, as it was this week.) But I got through the week, got a good night sleep last night, went to a family event with MrS, came home and had a good cuddle-sex session with Dude; I feel much better now.

I am fine.:eek:

I wish work wasn't so stressful though...it seems to fuck me up in the rest of my life.

JaneQ
 
Sounds like things are a little better.
 
Glad things are going better... The stress upon stress never helps, and it's so easy to go spiraling out of control (even without GAD!) when you're looking for reassurances and the one person who can give them to you is unable to.

Here's hoping the job gets less stressful and you can lean on MrS and Dude a bit to help. Here's hoping you get some sleep, too! It's one of the first things we neglect, which makes it really suck when sleep deprivation makes the wonkies wonkier.
 
Two good nights of sleep and two loving men supporting me and I am feeling MUCH better! (Thanks YAH - most people don't realize how important sleep is!)

Last night we three went out for dinner and then went to visit with JennyL and friends. At some point I remember Dude asking me if I needed him to come home vs. feeling ok with him staying with her. (NOTE: he does NOT need my "permission" he was just asking) I recall that my reply was along the lines of - "This week of feeling 'off' had everything to do with me, my anxiety, and my insecurities, but you and JennyL have done NOTHING wrong. You are NOT responsible for my emotional responses, although I appreciate you asking. You should do whatever you want."

We hung out for a few hours and Dude ended up coming home. I'm kind of curious - did he take my "do whatever you want" as some kind of passive-aggressive way of saying "read my mind - come home" (which I really did not intend - and doubt was the case, he is very literal and so I am very direct in my communication with him) OR did it not work out that it was a good night for him to stay (on her end - she has kids) OR did he just prefer to come home? Know what? I don't think I am going to ask - 'cuz I SAID "do whatever you want" - so I am just going to assume that he DID.:rolleyes:
 
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I'm going to assume that also. ;)
 
Interesting turn of events. Tuesday I was feeling like crap, like I had been hit by a bus but with symptoms I would generally associate with an "anxiety attack". I ended up getting an EKG and - "lo and behold" - I was having a significant amount of PVCs (premature ventricular contractions - basically your heart has the hic-coughs).

So which comes first - chicken or egg? I feel these palpitations, then get anxious OR I get anxious and stress hormones cause the palpitations?

Still waiting on the results of one test but...doesn't appear there is anything seriously wrong. Plan for now is a magnesium supplement and a beta-blocker - which I am fine with (having taken both before - not with any regularity, but also with no side effects).
 
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PVCs are no fun at all :( I've had them on and off too. I describe them like a mule kick to the chest (which I've also had)...

I found potassium was a bigger deal than magnesium. Usually a banana or baked potato (skin on) will get them to quit. But they are definitely the egg for me. Once they start my stress/fear goes way up until I can get them to stop again.

I eat a lot of baked potatoes now, lol.
 
Thanks, A2Poly, for sharing! And any excuse to eat more Baked Potatoes - with butter, sour cream and bacon please! - is a good one! My potassium levels were normal but I realize that serum and intra-cellular potassium can be discordant.

***************

So, on the poly front, I haven't posted in a while as most developments have been Dude's and not mine. On the home front, things have been relatively stable with the MrS-me-Dude front. (The other night they ganged up on me for some delicious sexing - poor JaneQ!)

The other week JennyL txt'd a "break-up" with Dude. It was a jumbled novel of a txt but she basically cited that she, a.) is monogoamous and doesn't want to be a "side bitch" (her phrase) b.) didn't approve of my behaviour at her party (served with a side of "slut-shaming" - which, unfortunately, Dude endorsed, and IS a source of conflict) c.) doesn't feel comfortable having me around her kids and doesn't want to explain to her kids (youngest is around 13, oldest over 21) why she is sleeping with someone who is with someone else (especially if that someone is ME).

Dude shared this txt with me and MrS (AFTER I pointed out that some people feel that txts are private communications and she might get bent out of shape if she knew that her txt had been shared without her permission).

My initial response (in addition to embarrassment, since I had consciously, in my mind, "toned down" my "flirty-ness" at her party, knowing that it was a family affair) was "Fair enough." Her house, her party, her family, her kids - her choice. Being monogamous - also her choice/her preference. My second response was that she was conflating two things - her objection to ME personally and her objection to poly in general. BOTH are valid independently. If her objection were ONLY to me a a metamour, well, Dude wouldn't be willing to break up with me, but we don't really have to have much interaction with each other. It's also fine that she recognizes that she is not up for poly - I just find it curious that she didn't bring up that he is also with Lotus (who she has also met socially on several occasions).

I shared those initial responses with Dude. My delayed response was a bit more personal. I was, retroactively, annoyed that she hadn't indicated any of her concerns to ME. She is not someone that I consider a personal friend, more of a "friendly acquaintance" - we've know each other for a few years. We've been to a number of social gatherings at other people's houses (where my flirty behaviour was NOT constrained.) She has been to my a house a few times (which isn't something that I allow lightly). Made out with Dude on our couch. Cleaned my kitchen. Met my family. I recommended her for a side-job to a friend of mine. At her party, I felt that I "touched base" with her regularly. We met up with her at a smaller social gathering a week later. No indication (that I heard) that there was anything wrong, just reassurances. Then this txt to him.

OK. I am not everyone's cup of tea (and MOST people aren't mine!). I feel bad, for Dude, that this situation won't work for her. But, honestly, I feel that she is using me as an excuse. (But maybe that is just defensive on my part?)

Oh, well.

On the Lotus front. She hasn't been down to our place in a while (the last time, I think, was with her husband, TT). Dude visited her last week while MrS and I were out of town. According to his (admittedly unreliable - he tends to interpret things through his own filters and can't see other perspectives) account - she is in a "withdrawn, no intimacy, no sex" place right now. (She suffers from anxiety/depression/insomnia as background.)

On an intellectual level - I observe how each of us respond differently to this. Dude, who is a "physical affection" guy - gets frustrated and doesn't understand why she "doesn't just..." respond how he would. My inclination is to leave her alone to figure out her stuff and just touch base on occasion to let her know that we are here if she needs anything. MrS, who I think misses her the most (and can empathize most with how she feels), txts her more frequently to let her know she is being missed and (particularly when he has been drinking) wants to go to her and just be present for her (with zero expectations of any sort).

On a work/stress front - I am actually in a better place than I have been in a while. I got caught up on a BUNCH of crap that was stressing me out. So my last "vacation" (last week with MrS and my family) WAS actually a vacation - and, boy, did I vacate! Ate, slept, read, refreshed. Monday is back to the grind...but I am feeling better about it.
 
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BookMark

Bookmark to self - future/finances.

**********

This is a reminder to myself that I want to talk more about the future/finance issues in my scenario.

On another note = my hair hair looked super-awesome sexy when I woke up this morning - Thank You, Lotus, for my New HairCut!
 
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Lotus broke up with Dude...so THAT just happened.

AND...I don't know what that means for the rest of us. I know that she views us as a "group" (i.e. dating one = dating all - tho that is not how we see it, necessarily) so I suspect that means that she is done with "us". MrS is sad. Dude is unsurprised. I am curious.
 
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Sorry to hear about the break-up news. I hope it all works out for the best, whatever happens.
 
...I hope it all works out for the best, whatever happens.

It will. Lotus is a beautiful soul, and, however it works out, I am blessed by having known her.

She and I have had one good phone conversations (we BOTH hate talking on the phone) since the break-up and shared several txts (neither of us are txters either). Basically the jist that I got was that she wants to take sex-with-Dude off the table - she was feeling too much pressure. That, to me, seems like a Lotus+Dude issue; but for her, she doesn't know how to take sex off the table with Dude but leave in on the table for me and MrS without "making Dude feel bad".

MrS is sad - he misses "Pretty Lady" (his pet name for her). She txt'd today and asked about coming down on Friday for a visit. MrS and I are happy to see her regardless of what is "on the table" (and Dude will cope, or I will kick his horny ass!). I would like for sex to be "on the table" (or the bed or the counter or the front lawn) - but I am used to accommodating others....so. (I would rather have her as a platonic friend than out of my life!)

I've read a number of threads here on these boards about the difficulty of maintaining a friendship after the the romance is ended. Frankly, I personally don't understand that. At all. For me personally, sex is easy - friendship is a MUCH higher hurdle. If you make it over that hurdle then, sex or not, you are "in". Romance is a fucking MOAT - two people have swum the moat ever, MrS and Dude.

*****************************

On an entirely separate note - I should probably come up with a nickname for my new "platonic girlfriend" since the boys are telling me I am "pussy-whipped" already. She is awesome, smart, sexy - and makes me exercise and cooks me (healthy) lunches! I love the way she single-parents her kids and practices her profession. She knows about my "poly" - doesn't understand it (or bisexuality), and supports me anyway! A queen of "no judgement here"! I love the way we disagree on "important" issues (like religion) without rancor.
 
I would like for sex to be "on the table" (or the bed or the counter or the front lawn)

Your ideas intrigue me, and I'd like to subscribe to your newsletter.

I've read a number of threads here on these boards about the difficulty of maintaining a friendship after the the romance is ended. Frankly, I personally don't understand that. At all. For me personally, sex is easy - friendship is a MUCH higher hurdle. If you make it over that hurdle then, sex or not, you are "in". Romance is a fucking MOAT - two people have swum the moat ever, MrS and Dude.

I agree 100%. For me, if I liked you enough to be friendly with you before we started having sex, I don't see why we couldn't be friends after. Granted, when that's happened in my life before, there is a time of adjustment, usually where the one party who didn't want to end things has to get used to the idea, but for me, I'm always willing to be at least friendly to the people I've been with. Which isn't to say that I hang out with them regularly, but I still talk occasionally with several exes, and up until a few weeks back when I simply got too busy, I was having dinner with my last ex every other week or so.

On an entirely separate note - I should probably come up with a nickname for my new "platonic girlfriend" since the boys are telling me I am "pussy-whipped" already. She is awesome, smart, sexy - and makes me exercise and cooks me (healthy) lunches! I love the way she single-parents her kids and practices her profession. She knows about my "poly" - doesn't understand it (or bisexuality), and supports me anyway! A queen of "no judgement here"! I love the way we disagree on "important" issues (like religion) without rancor.

That sounds really nice. In some ways, it's nice to have a relationship with a person who you're really into, without the worries of romantic entanglement. "non-judgmental" is almost first on the list of attributes I look for in people these days. Enjoy!
 
Your ideas intrigue me, and I'd like to subscribe to your newsletter.

Hahaha! :D We use this line all the time (but, I forget where it comes from!:rolleyes: - ETA - MrS tells me it is a Simpson's reference - he thinks Homer said it to Lisa but forgets the context.)

I agree 100%. For me, if I liked you enough to be friendly with you before we started having sex, I don't see why we couldn't be friends after. Granted, when that's happened in my life before, there is a time of adjustment, usually where the one party who didn't want to end things has to get used to the idea, but for me, I'm always willing to be at least friendly to the people I've been with.

To be honest though, all my experiences have been with people that I was friends with, had sex with, then stopped having sex with (for whatever reason - usually because they found someone they wanted to be monogamous with). I don't really have any experiences with "true ex's - since the only two "serious" relationships I have had are the two that I am in now.:eek:

... In some ways, it's nice to have a relationship with a person who you're really into, without the worries of romantic entanglement. "non-judgmental" is almost first on the list of attributes I look for in people these days. Enjoy!

Precisely, I've forgotten how nice it is to have a close female local friend to just "be" with. The last time I had this kind of close female platonic friendship was was 15 years ago!
 
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