Life Changes..the beginning.

Magdlyn ....so why did you get divorced ? I'm guessing your happiness was not in question.


I think what Beo is saying is he is having a hard time processing the difference in the way he feels about his wife and the way she feels about him. The "happiness thing " is just one example of the differences in their individual mind sets. He maybe looking at this from the quiz "she just not that in to me "prospective .....comparing his answers to what he thinks are her answers.

From what I've read he/they are working very hard at understanding those differences and trying to resolve them. But he's not wrong for feeling that way....in fact I'd be willing to bet it's quite common to have those feelings.

I wish them both good luck and happiness in this journey D
 
I think that was probably the start of the downfall, when it occurred to me that it wasn't me making her happy like that.

I think what Beo is saying is he is having a hard time processing the difference in the way he feels about his wife and the way she feels about him. The "happiness thing " is just one example of the differences in their individual mind sets.

Dinged, I think you're a bit off. See the bolded part. It's not just a set of differences in feeling. Beo was feeling blue because he concluded that it was someone else making Jen happy (when she was with J.), and not him. That is why I posted my message about each of us being responsible for our own happiness, to which Mags added her perspective. When one pays credence to the idea that we should be the only ones "making" someone else happy (or that someone else should be making us happy), we naturally set ourselves up for disappointment. Happiness comes from within. Lots of things and people can augment it, inspire us, move us, but we can't be made to feel a specific feeling and it's not someone else's job to do that. People respond with feelings that originate within them. It is a good thing to have a partner that is moved and inspired by a variety of things and people because that means he or she is very alive.

Beo, I'm glad that you also said that you're feeling better and not getting angry right away or shutting her out. I know that was very painful for her as well. You will both get through this.
 
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cindie I maybe way off.... wouldn't be the first time .... Boe's feeling blue was because he concluded that it was someone else was making Jen happy....seen through his lens .....or his template. We all are going to see these situations through an individual perspective. "she the center of my universe why am I not the center of hers" .....she's all I want ....why am I not enough? Thats what I meant by the differences and perspective.


Magdlyn You said you are responsible for your happiness and you made a short list of some of the things make you happy ......I guess then you were happy in your marriage and it was your husband that asked/pushed for the divorce.


If we are all responsible for our own happiness....what about unhappiness? So in this case partner's and their word's and conduct can't make "us" unhappy.....right. Its a simple choice of seeing only good....don't let the bad or disagreeable in. I wish I could do that....not there yet.
 
If we are all responsible for our own happiness....what about unhappiness? So in this case partner's and their word's and conduct can't make "us" unhappy.....right. Its a simple choice of seeing only good....don't let the bad or disagreeable in. I wish I could do that....not there yet.

No, don't block out uncomfortable feelings. You feel them as they come up without judging or hanging on to them. You look at and see everything and know that it is all what you helped create. But they are your feelings and yes, you are also responsible for your own unhappiness. We have choices in how we react and respond lots of times, and then there are times when feelings just rise up in us organically. No one has the power to make us happy or unhappy (unless we give our power away to them, which is really just stepping back and not owning up to your own shit).
 
Magdlyn, you said you are responsible for your happiness and you made a short list of some of the things make you happy ......I guess then you were happy in your marriage and it was your husband that asked/pushed for the divorce.

No, not at all. It was pretty much a 50/50 decision. We'd grown apart after 30 years together. He had developed certain interests I wasn't interested in, and vice versa. Too many. Also, he had certain issues (low self esteem, jealousy, a hetero-normative mindset, etc.), and behaviors stemming from those issues. I just couldn't take it anymore... Couples counseling, individual counseling, and hundreds of hours of discussion between the two of us were ultimately fruitless. It was time to cut our losses and move on.

I put the word "make" in quotes in my previous post because I don't believe people make us feel a certain way. I prefer to put it this way: "When you do X, I feel Y." That's a basic communication skill. Using "I statements." "I feel" X. Not, "You drive me crazy! You're such a bitch." "You're pissing me off! You're a bad boy."

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/I-statement

An I-statement is a statement that begins with the word "I". It is frequently used in an attempt to be assertive without putting the listener on the defensive. It can be used to take ownership for one's feelings rather than saying they are caused by the other person. An example of this would be saying, "I feel angry when you make fun of my clothes, and I would prefer that you stop doing that," rather than, "Quit saying that crap, you're really making me mad!" (The latter is an example of a "you-statement.")
 
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Magdlyn, So are you saying your list of things that "make" you happy should be reclassified in some way. How many times do people here use the word "make " in a general sort of way to describe happy thoughts and actions similar to what you did in your list with out raising a semantic argument. I'm sure their couples counselor has also pointed out the "I" statement skill that you mentioned. Semantics aside he feels bad about not being the one "bringing" his wife enough romantic happiness that she doesn't have to look elsewhere.


YO ....Jen ....Beo jump in here anytime. . "I".. "feel" a little weird going back and forth on thread with no input from original poster.
 
Wow, dinged, you sound a little angry or something. Maybe I'm misreading you... seems like you're picking a fight.

To me, it's really simple, we either feel whatever feelings naturally come up, and/or whatever we choose to feel; we respond to the people around us, but they don't make us feel anything. Things in our lives don't make us happy or sad, though their presence may elicit a response. We are responsible for how we relate and respond to those things and people and events. If I feel happy when I'm with someone it could be because their happiness is infectious, but it is my being fully present that allows me to pick up on that. It could be that I simply love certain things about them, which again it comes from ME, not that they are making me feel a certain way. OR, maybe it's just that I am happy with myself, feeling good about me, and my partner is in my vicinity, so it looks like my partner is "making" me happy. But that's inaccurate. Just think about the times when someone was trying hard to cheer you up, but you stubbornly remained in a pissy mood -- we've all done it. Didn't you hold onto it, despite all attempts from someone else to "make" you feel differently?

All we're saying is that both BD and JA are each responsible for their own happiness, and to nurture and support each other, but to focus on why she would be happy with someone else is like wondering why would she be happy when the sun is shining, or why she's happy when it's raining. She is happy because she is expressing herself and creating her own happiness. We have to get out of the thinking that it's our duty alone to satisfy someone we love, without ever allowing room for them to find satisfaction and happiness elsewhere. Why demand that the ones we love be squeezed into such a small, confining space?
 
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Wow ....Not angry in the least bit.....just a debate......just reading things differently I guess. I heard what this guy said and understood (or think I understand) his perspective. Right or wrong. I don't disagree with what you have said about being responsible for your own happiness.....we agree :) I agree that outside activities such as the list Magdlyn provided bring people happiness:) I guess I disagree with the discounting or belittling of his feeling on this. Her actions or desires have elicited an unfavorable response. :(

Magdlyn I sincerely apologize if you got the impression I was trying to pick a fight with you ....I was not.

I have to use these :D little faces more...I always forget.:cool:...;)
 
. . . I disagree with the discounting or belittling of his feeling on this.
NO ONE has belittled his feelings!!! That's an insulting and shitty thing to say (but I do not feel insulted or mad, see how I choose my emotional response?).

We have only offered Beo other perspectives in a kind and loving manner, and have never belittled him or his feelings. I suspect you are projecting some interpretation of your own here on what we've been posting.
 
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sorry again ...but when you said " him wonder why she would be happy when the sun was shining or why she's happy when it rains sounded dismissive to me. Which wasn't the actual problem anyway. Sorry :eek: I'm sure your right...I was just projecting again.
 
So, with my discovery, it has given me a lot of perspective (if you want to know, look in my thread), and a view through Jens eyes. Denying what we are is a terrible thing, as is denying connections that may develop. I don't want to be an anchor for Jen anymore...

Things probably won't be as bad as I think they will. We had a rocky start, but maybe we can find something healthy to begin with this time?
 
Sorry I've missed all of these posts. I haven't been on much as I was out of town for a couple of weeks and before that there wasn't a whole lot to discuss. We've been going to counseling and it's been up and down... things definitely have been looking up since I went out of town, however.

For the past few months I've been conversing with a guy S, that I used to date. We enjoyed each others company back then, but our relationship was mostly physical/sexual. I had told Drew that we were talking, and left it at that. Our conversations were pretty generic, though we did do some reminiscing, and he expressed an interest in wanting to see me again at some point. I told him about Poly, and the experience thus far and that I was very tentative at this point.

As Drew has been coming to terms with things (and I feel like I have been patient and supportive), I've mentioned S again and it seems to be going well so far. I'm extremely nervous as I don't want to hurt Drew anymore. Not that it was on purpose before, but now that I know what triggers him, I'm very worried about it.

He said he wants me to go see S. That he feels unless he experiences the feelings and sees that everything will be okay after, that he doesn't think he can learn to cope with those feelings. I'm both excited and concerned. I know it wont change things unless he dwells on his thoughts instead of looking at reality.

There is a few weeks before I'd have the opportunity to go anyway, so we will see what happens I guess.

In the interim, I'm hoping we will continue to talk as we have been, and watching him reflect on his own feelings and experiences has been awesome for me. I can see him growing emotionally and I really enjoy it. We talked about setting him up an OKC account, and seeing what we find. I think one of the largest issues we have is our differing views on sex... I was always very open sexually, and I was his second and only. I can have sex with attached emotions, or unattached for pure physical attraction and enjoyment. For him, it's always viewed as attached, and sharing me is a threat. Perhaps if he has experience with other people that he can learn how he responds to different connections. Just a theory at this point....

So that's where we are at. :) In a good place. There are still negative emotions here and there, but they are less frequent and don't cause him to spiral into uncontrollable negativity. We are back being flirty and the sex is increasing again... yay!
 
I know he mentioned it in his thread as well.. but he has been having some ebbing and flowing emotions with one of his friends, C. I've always assumed he was somewhat bi (Drew), even if he didn't admit it, and he's beginning to also start wanting to explore it a little more. He's still not sure how he feels... but I think that it has opened his eyes a bit more to the poly life style and how his feelings for C, don't change his feelings for me.

I'm perfectly okay with it, and enjoy watching him learn more about himself. :)
 
Sheesh, I can't believe it's been a month since I've posted. A lot has happened, and I think it is good!

So, with hubby on the C front. He's still not sure what his feelings are. He did want to explore them a little and we discussed instigating something with C. So, we planned a little evening and invited C over. Hubs went into the bedroom, and I told C that we both thought he needed some lovins and invited him to join us. It didn't go quite as well as planned as C has some issues that have preventing him from getting fully aroused, but he did a bit anyway, and he said he fully enjoyed the experience, and hubs got to explore a little of his bi side as well. I found it quite a turn on myself!

We invited C to come over again the following weekend, and tried again, and it was a little better, but he was still having some issues and getting frustrated. We are both patient with him and realize he has a lot going on in his life right now, so we were a supportive as possible... and again, they got to explore a little more.

Last weekend was my weekend to go see S, with hubs full permission. While I was excited to see him, as it has been several years.. I was uncomfortable about going. I was very worried about hubs the whole time. I decided that I did not like being that far away from home and my family, for the sole purpose of seeing another person romantically. I did enjoy my time there (and we did have sex), but I don't think I'll be going again without my family, unless he comes here. I told S that and he seemed to understand, and he says we are welcome there whenever. Hubs seemed to handle it very well which made me happy. We reconnected when I got home, and shared our experiences.

C came over again on Friday night, and I realized that he's starting to grow on me as well. I was telling hubs about it today, that I have strange feelings for him. Our experiences before were more for hubby than for me... but as time goes on, I realize that C is such a good person, and I enjoy his company, and how much a part of our family he's become. I don't feel a strong attraction to him physically, but I feel an emotional attraction to him, which makes me want to snuggle him, and touch him (hold his hand, give him kisses, snuggles, etc). I don't feel any excitement of NRE, my heart doesn't skip a beat like it does with J (we still talk, and I miss him terribly, but that's on hold for now until he figures out if he actually wants to be with his g/f). It's a more comfortable feeling.. like he belongs here.

Hubby said he hasn't been feeling the "more than friends" feelings for C in a while, but he's still interested in his bi side I think. It makes me feel guilty that I'm starting to really care for C in some way, because he's "hubby's", but at the same time, I don't REALLY understand my feelings here... they are different. Hubby said he didn't understand what I was trying to say either, so I'm not sure if that's bad.. or if it's just as confusing to him as it is to me.

On the hubby front, things seem pretty good! We have as strong a connection as ever.. the sex is good. We have one more appointment with the therapist tomorrow to see if we need to continue. At the last one, hubs thought he was doing pretty well, but she wanted to see us back one last time.. so we'll see!!

Overall, I think we are in a good place. Coming to terms with things.. able to discuss things without meltdowns or arguing. I've found some things that I am not comfortable with, and our communication is still good. I love my hubby!!!!
 
I know in my heart and my soul that I am poly. But I don't know how to handle the pain that's associated with it. This last one has been the worst... his reservations because of me being married brought it to a screeching halt... I don't even know where to start.. or finish....

I don't even have my husband here to bring my smile back since he's deployed. Timing was less than ideal here.. and I can't breathe....
 
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