A word with the Dad.

TheRainKing

New member
So the new wife arrives next Thursday and I have to meet her Dad and such. That's going to be pretty damn awkward. What do I say to him when he asks our arrangement? She's to have a full time job, screw around with the wife and I and help watch the kids? For heaven's sakes. How about some pointers? For those of you that haven't seen my previous posts my wife and I have been together 6 years, have two brilliant young ones and are very in love. About a month ago her best friend of 12 years came to visit and they jumped me. We all romped for a good portion of the night and though I don't know her friend 'real' well I do enjoy her company. My wife requested of me very kindly that I allow her friend to move in and become a part of our family so I have made an effort to get to know her recently and have become kind of into her which my wife enjoys thoroughly.

Now her friend is coming to move in with us and I am completely cool with it. However I have to converse with the female friend's Dad who is of course concerned when his only daughter (and youngest child) moves out of state and in with an already married couple and of course he will realize something is up when he's helping us move her stuff into the room that is currently occupied by the wife and I.

:eek: So please.. On this topic give me your thoughts, suggestions, etc. I could use a little help here. :eek:
 
I'd say the first thing to do is speak with her about what she's shared with her father and what she's comfortable sharing with her father.
 
I second autumn.

If it were MY father the answer would be simple-he ALREADY KNOWS so don't worry about it-just be yourself.

IF it were my sisters father it would be -just don't say anything about any topic deeper than the current weather.

IF it were GG's stepfather it would be -RUN just RUN the other way like Forrest Gump.

If it were Maca's father-It would be-dude you can't shock him, he's at least as kinky as the rest of us-don't worry about it, be yourself.

SO you need to ask her what the case is with HER father.
;)
 
Hard-ass

So far from what I know of him the guy seems like a hard-ass. He does run a pornographic website though from what I understand but he is still very adamant about his morals which kinda throws me off a bit. I've never spoken with him personally to this point but from what I hear I don't want to. He's a yeller I hear and though that may intimidate some people, I'm 6'6" tall and just over 310 lbs so I'm not easily intimidated. Suggestions?
 
Sure, be a gracious host.
If he chooses not to act the gracious guest, then politely invite him to take his attitude outside with a gentle reprimand that "we don't allow that type of behavior in our home, I'm sure you'll understand."

IF he happens to try to refuse to exit, then firmly take his arm in hand and guide him out the door silently.

That generally makes it obvious to EVERYONE who is being the ass. ;)
 
The Ass

The problem with being my size is that people can assume the ass is you and that you are being aggressive even when you're not. So I have insisted that every time I speak to her father either she or my wife is present. I don't want wild claims about what I've done or said to him to start. The problem with that is that I don't want the father to feel alienated or that the environment isn't casual at the same time. So I relax with him and let loose or I get uptight and censor every word. Not an easy choice.
 
I try to give the people the benefit of the doubt. I assume that they will be understanding and will be reasonable. Now, I know that is unrealistic, but it keeps me from sounding defensive. If they act up, I can go the route of showing that i tried to be nice.

There are probably a few things you can say that would resonate with him that may help things out. For example, if he starts asking about the living arrangement and acting uncomfortable, you could say that it is easy to be misjudged and he may understand when people judge him based on his line of work. Show that you want to make sure his daughter is happy in the arrangement.

If he starts to act up, try to be as patient as possible. You may have to deal with him far into the future. Just try not to burn bridges, but also don't act ashamed.

These situations are never easy, but what is most important is how your new wife feels about all of this. If the father acts up, it may hurt her if things get ugly.
 
One day.

I think the thing that bothers me the most about all of this is that this isn't what I would want for my daughter, a polyamorous relationship I mean. I think that she would feel ashamed or jealous and although I don't feel that way, I don't like to think that my own daughter would ever have to set her dignity aside. I would never ask my wife to give it up for another guy, plain and simple but then I'm not into guys so that wouldn't interest me sexually. The wife however is into women so maybe the situation is different in that regard. I guess what I mean to say is that I see where the father is coming from in his discomfort with the situation and although this was originally worked out between the g/f and the wife I think he's going to see me as the culprit and the cause of his discomfort. It would be hard not to I think as a man and a father see the large man as some sort of manipulator causing his daughter to enter into a romantic relationship with the large man and his wife.

This said I asked the g/f to explain the situation to him thoroughly and make sure there is no misunderstanding as to our arrangement. While he is here I have every intention of being respectful but at the same time I will do what is necessary to keep our dignity and integrity. Do I think polyamory is wrong? No. Do I think it is misinterpreted? Absolutely. People's morals and beliefs are largely due to nurturing and in this country that tells us that polyamory is wrong in most cases. Now keep in mind that my wife and I don't seek outside partners. Neither she nor I have been with anyone else until a few months ago for 6 1/2 years. This is all very new to us. We are very intimate and very close and we expect to bring the g/f into that intimacy with the agreement that there are no secrets, no betrayals. Now if that happens there will be a falling out that will be comparable to a domestic thermo-nuclear explosion but none of us foresee that as being an issue so I'm not concerned.

The father is someone that I'm not looking forward to dealing with but his wife (not the g/f's birth mother but has been dating her father for a year or so and is trusted) knows everything about our intentions and has been hinting at it to the father to sort of bring him slowly over to the idea but she has not outright told him and I think she was right not to. It wasn't really her place to do so.

So the plans have changed though and the g/f arrives tomorrow afternoon and although I'm excited there is this anxious foreshadowing that looms mysteriously in my mind. I have too much time to think. lol. She is coming with half of her things tomorrow and in a week or two her father and his g/f will arrive with the other half and that's when we will all be having the talk and they will be staying for dinner after everything is unloaded. Has anyone had 'this talk' with their in-laws? Anything anyone can suggest to lighten the load a bit and soften the mood before things are revealed? Any suggestions by those with experience would be very appreciated and those that have already been given are appreciated as well.
 
Are you connected to a local poly community? Or to a church that would accept your triad? Or any kind of community that will accept your gf?

Introduce the gf's dad to wonderful people who know all three of you and think everything is fine and will be watching out for the welfare of all three of you the way that all communities do for their people. Then the gf's dad will know she has people she can turn to if she needs them.

...this isn't what I would want for my daughter, a polyamorous relationship I mean. I think that she would feel ashamed or jealous and although I don't feel that way, I don't like to think that my own daughter would ever have to set her dignity aside.

Most of us start with all this monogamous thinking ingrained in us from our culture and our upbringing. It takes time and practice to think in a different way. For religious people, it helps to find a supportive religious community and minister.
 
I think the thing that bothers me the most about all of this is that this isn't what I would want for my daughter, a polyamorous relationship I mean.

ummm...I am honestly not sure what to say about this. You are in a poly relationship thats working, honest and you don't want your kids to get involved.

In my world thats a serious mindfuck...(excuse the language people :))

How are you, as the bf, ever going to convince or talk to the father of your gf and fully expect him to accept and understand the relationship structure his daughter is in when you aren't convinced of it yourself.

I would think the first question out of his mouth would be "what would you think if it was your daughter"...

I think I have been shocked and awed...:eek: I really wish you the best of luck with your talk...I hope it works out. :)...
 
ummm...I am honestly not sure what to say about this. You are in a poly relationship thats working, honest and you don't want your kids to get involved.

In my world thats a serious mindfuck...(excuse the language people :))

How are you, as the bf, ever going to convince or talk to the father of your gf and fully expect him to accept and understand the relationship structure his daughter is in when you aren't convinced of it yourself.

I would think the first question out of his mouth would be "what would you think if it was your daughter"...

I think I have been shocked and awed...:eek: I really wish you the best of luck with your talk...I hope it works out. :)...

My thoughts exactly. I understand that this lifestyle isn't for everyone, but out of all of our monogamous friends, the girls and I have the healthiest relationship. I know this because we're the ones that they all call when this one did that, or that one did her...yeah, that serious. As Aria stated, you're in a poly relationship that is working out wonderfully...so far. Why wouldn't you want your daughter to have as much love as possible surrounding her? I have two women that love me implicitly, care about me, and cherish me as much as I do them. Why wouldn't I want that for my son...if I had one of them lil devils. :p

Either way, good luck with your chat and I say be yourself. Obviously his daughter thinks that you're safe or she wouldn't be moving in with you and your wife. I also suggest but as straight forward with him as possible. As tough as it can be, honest truly is the best policy. Just make sure you give him the same disclaimer I give all my family members. Understand that you can ask a question, but you're going to get an answer regardless of whether you like it or not. LOL Ok, maybe save that for after you get to know him a bit better. ;)
 
I have to say I feel similar to Ariakas.
My oldest daughter is 18. If she told me she was in a happy, healthy monogomous relationship-I'd be happy for her. IF she told me she was in a happy healthy polyamorous relationship-I'd be happy for her.

I don't want my daughter to give up her dignity either. In my life I have given up my dignity a few times for relationships-all of them were monogomous... My polyamory has never forced me to give up my dignity....

:rolleyes: Perplexed.
 
Like I said..

Like I said before, this entire idea of polyamory is new to me. So when I say things like I said about my feelings toward my daughter and how I wouldn't want her in a polyamorous relationship you have to take into account again my upbringing. My father is a preacher, my mother a submissive preacher's wife. I have been raised to be the head of my household and have walked a careful line in respecting women and worshipping them while still maintaining that domestic leadership. So my thinking regarding my daughter is that I know how careful I've had to be in this relationship, setting it up, talking it over, etc. There have been many long talks between my wife and I and then again between the three of us and there are so many factors that could go wrong that I don't think will so yeah, I would fear for my daughter starting a polyamorous relationship. I wouldn't want her to get into anything she couldn't handle and I wouldn't want her to take the chances that she could be neglected by either spouse or lover. Now if she called me one day and said, "I'm in a polyamorous relationship and it's awesome, everyone respects each other, etc." then I think it'd be easier for me but just like I would imagine any father to be I would be nervous about it.
 
I get that rainking-
but would you not be concerned if she popped up with a boyfriend anyway?
All of those intricacies you mention in regards to this poly relationship you have-those things are necessary in mono relationships too-and too often they are overlooked (see our high rate of divorce).
I worry that no man will be good enough for my daughter-much less 2 or more. I honestly don't worry about women-because she's made it clear that she's not bi or gay-and we're open that I am bi and her best friend is openly gay.
BUT I would if she were.
:)

I too was raised in a religious home-as was my lover. We went to church 3 times a week at minimum. My parents were the youth leaders. It was a STRICT family dynamic.

BUT-when I told my dad I was getting married he was VERY concerned-JUST because I'm his child. When I later told him we were poly and I had a boyfriend-he wasn't worried. Because by that time the bf had been around for 16 years and he knew him to be an upstanding if sometimes too gentle soul.
BUT if I had told him I had two significant others that he didn't know-he would have been no more or less concerned than when I told him I was marrying Maca.

Does this help you see where I was coming from? ;)

GOOD LUCK anyway!! I know you are worried and rightfully so!! I do hope the discussion has been helping you in your consideration.
 
Like I said before, this entire idea of polyamory is new to me. So when I say things like I said about my feelings toward my daughter and how I wouldn't want her in a polyamorous relationship you have to take into account again my upbringing. My father is a preacher, my mother a submissive preacher's wife. I have been raised to be the head of my household and have walked a careful line in respecting women and worshipping them while still maintaining that domestic leadership. So my thinking regarding my daughter is that I know how careful I've had to be in this relationship, setting it up, talking it over, etc. There have been many long talks between my wife and I and then again between the three of us and there are so many factors that could go wrong that I don't think will so yeah, I would fear for my daughter starting a polyamorous relationship. I wouldn't want her to get into anything she couldn't handle and I wouldn't want her to take the chances that she could be neglected by either spouse or lover. Now if she called me one day and said, "I'm in a polyamorous relationship and it's awesome, everyone respects each other, etc." then I think it'd be easier for me but just like I would imagine any father to be I would be nervous about it.

You're right, I forgot that this is new to you and still probably difficult to understand. I don't have any kids so I won't claim to even be able to understand what a parent has to think/worry about. The comment that I was referring more to was that you wouldn't want this life for your daughter. Let her make that decision. You can do your best to raise them, but fact is that kids do what they want. Believe me, my mother never thought she'd have 2 daughter in laws...from the same son, but in our talks she's realized that I'm an adult and will live my life as I choose. I will make mistakes, but I have to make those mistake in order to learn.

Thanks again for sharing your story with us. :)
 
Fair enough, I rescind my "mind fuck" comment.

I just want to say though...if I had a kid, I would be worried about any potential crappy relationship, poly or mono...I am sure we have all been through them, its a part of the learning process :)
 
Just make sure you give him the same disclaimer I give all my family members. Understand that you can ask a question, but you're going to get an answer regardless of whether you like it or not. LOL Ok, maybe save that for after you get to know him a bit better. ;)

I love it! Permission to pull that phrase out when I'm backed into a corner. :)
 
My question is, why is it YOUR responsibility to communicate your girlfriend's lifestyle to her father? It sounds like the girlfriend and wife initiated all of this, and you're still working out your own feelings about the whole thing.

So in my mind, it makes more sense to defer explanations to the girlfriend and wife. If the daughter explains to her father that this is her decision and she's happy with it, then he'll have no leg to stand on. If the father confronts you about it, just say "Your daughter and my wife want this and I'm still processing my feelings. I would feel more comfortable if you asked them those questions." That makes it crystal clear that you're not forcing his only daughter into some kind of harem.
 
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My question is, why is it YOUR responsibility to communicate your girlfriend's lifestyle to her father? It sounds like the girlfriend and wife initiated all of this, and you're still working out your own feelings about the whole thing.

So in my mind, it makes more sense to defer explanations to the girlfriend and wife. If the daughter explains to her father that this is her decision and she's happy with it, then he'll have no leg to stand on. If the father confronts you about it, just say "Your daughter and my wife want this and I'm still processing my feelings. I would feel more comfortable if you asked them those questions." That makes it crystal clear that you're not forcing this only daughter into some kind of harem.

This suggestion is one of the best yet and since reading it I have spoken with the wife and girlfriend. We've decided we're all going to sit down together when he arrives, she'll say her thing and then if he has any questions for the rest of us we'll all talk it over with him together. I hadn't really even wondered why I was going to be the one doing the talking so kudos to you for the suggestion and thank you.

I appreciate you all taking your time to put in your two cents. Thank you for the valuable input.
 
I love it! Permission to pull that phrase out when I'm backed into a corner. :)

ABSOLUTELY!! :D Permission Granted! (Felt like I had to formally say that...LOL)

This suggestion is one of the best yet and since reading it I have spoken with the wife and girlfriend. We've decided we're all going to sit down together when he arrives, she'll say her thing and then if he has any questions for the rest of us we'll all talk it over with him together. I hadn't really even wondered why I was going to be the one doing the talking so kudos to you for the suggestion and thank you.

I appreciate you all taking your time to put in your two cents. Thank you for the valuable input.

Schrod, well done!! TRK, good luck, again, and can't wait to see how it goes. :)
 
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