Hi everyone! I'm new here and looking for a bit of advice and support. I have no one to talk to about this in the offline world. Sorry for the length of this post.
Firstly, a bit of background. I'm an agender 27-year-old who is in a 2.5 year relationship with a man who I will call John. He's about 15 years older than me and has another partner, Dave, who he has been with for 10+ years. John and Dave live together and I have only met Dave twice in-person.
John and I have a mostly fantastic relationship. We communicate well, laugh together, have many common interests, are supportive of each other, have great sex and are very in love. When I entered into this relationship I knew he had another partner and that was fine with me, even if it was not my ideal scenario. Though I admit that at the time I expected it to be a relatively short term fling. I was thrilled when it turned into a committed relationship. John has been supported me through some difficult times in my life, has met most of my family and we even went on a trip together. We have openly discussed being together long term. I feel like I shouldn't have anything to complain about and even feel guilty for having concerns.
John and Dave's circle of friends and family is completely intertwined. According to John, me been introduced to these people would be upsetting for Dave.This means that I haven't been able to meet more than a couple of John's friends or family members. John claims Dave is completely okay with my and John's relationship but is triggered by certain things. However I can't help feeling left-out. I am not able attend a lot of big events in John's life nor get to know many of the people who are important to him. The few times I have hung out with his friends it's been awkward and I've felt a bit like an intruder. Most of them know John is poly. As I mentionned before, I have only met Dave twice, and he barely said two words to me. I have tried to broach that gap in many ways as I feel it would also allow me to spend more time with John and improve all our relationships. At this point John and I see each between once and three times a week for 2-6hrs on average. Moreover, Dave is very shy, has intense social anxiety and severe depression. I have also experienced mental health problems throughout my life and empathise strongly with him. I have supported John when he had to care for Dave during his worst episodes. I understand that pushing Dave too much could be detrimental to his well-being. But I don't want to be a secondary partner. Many people are happy with that but not me. I want a future where I am as much a part of John's family as Dave is. I want to be able to mention things like adopting children without John shutting down. When I discuss all of this with him he gets upset that I'm upset and we end up in a circle of apologies. Talking with Dave seems to not be an option at this point. What should I do? Any advice?
Thank you!
Firstly, a bit of background. I'm an agender 27-year-old who is in a 2.5 year relationship with a man who I will call John. He's about 15 years older than me and has another partner, Dave, who he has been with for 10+ years. John and Dave live together and I have only met Dave twice in-person.
John and I have a mostly fantastic relationship. We communicate well, laugh together, have many common interests, are supportive of each other, have great sex and are very in love. When I entered into this relationship I knew he had another partner and that was fine with me, even if it was not my ideal scenario. Though I admit that at the time I expected it to be a relatively short term fling. I was thrilled when it turned into a committed relationship. John has been supported me through some difficult times in my life, has met most of my family and we even went on a trip together. We have openly discussed being together long term. I feel like I shouldn't have anything to complain about and even feel guilty for having concerns.
John and Dave's circle of friends and family is completely intertwined. According to John, me been introduced to these people would be upsetting for Dave.This means that I haven't been able to meet more than a couple of John's friends or family members. John claims Dave is completely okay with my and John's relationship but is triggered by certain things. However I can't help feeling left-out. I am not able attend a lot of big events in John's life nor get to know many of the people who are important to him. The few times I have hung out with his friends it's been awkward and I've felt a bit like an intruder. Most of them know John is poly. As I mentionned before, I have only met Dave twice, and he barely said two words to me. I have tried to broach that gap in many ways as I feel it would also allow me to spend more time with John and improve all our relationships. At this point John and I see each between once and three times a week for 2-6hrs on average. Moreover, Dave is very shy, has intense social anxiety and severe depression. I have also experienced mental health problems throughout my life and empathise strongly with him. I have supported John when he had to care for Dave during his worst episodes. I understand that pushing Dave too much could be detrimental to his well-being. But I don't want to be a secondary partner. Many people are happy with that but not me. I want a future where I am as much a part of John's family as Dave is. I want to be able to mention things like adopting children without John shutting down. When I discuss all of this with him he gets upset that I'm upset and we end up in a circle of apologies. Talking with Dave seems to not be an option at this point. What should I do? Any advice?
Thank you!