Sometimes Feel like a Secondary and Unhappy About It

membrain

New member
Hi everyone! I'm new here and looking for a bit of advice and support. I have no one to talk to about this in the offline world. Sorry for the length of this post.

Firstly, a bit of background. I'm an agender 27-year-old who is in a 2.5 year relationship with a man who I will call John. He's about 15 years older than me and has another partner, Dave, who he has been with for 10+ years. John and Dave live together and I have only met Dave twice in-person.

John and I have a mostly fantastic relationship. We communicate well, laugh together, have many common interests, are supportive of each other, have great sex and are very in love. When I entered into this relationship I knew he had another partner and that was fine with me, even if it was not my ideal scenario. Though I admit that at the time I expected it to be a relatively short term fling. I was thrilled when it turned into a committed relationship. John has been supported me through some difficult times in my life, has met most of my family and we even went on a trip together. We have openly discussed being together long term. I feel like I shouldn't have anything to complain about and even feel guilty for having concerns.

John and Dave's circle of friends and family is completely intertwined. According to John, me been introduced to these people would be upsetting for Dave.This means that I haven't been able to meet more than a couple of John's friends or family members. John claims Dave is completely okay with my and John's relationship but is triggered by certain things. However I can't help feeling left-out. I am not able attend a lot of big events in John's life nor get to know many of the people who are important to him. The few times I have hung out with his friends it's been awkward and I've felt a bit like an intruder. Most of them know John is poly. As I mentionned before, I have only met Dave twice, and he barely said two words to me. I have tried to broach that gap in many ways as I feel it would also allow me to spend more time with John and improve all our relationships. At this point John and I see each between once and three times a week for 2-6hrs on average. Moreover, Dave is very shy, has intense social anxiety and severe depression. I have also experienced mental health problems throughout my life and empathise strongly with him. I have supported John when he had to care for Dave during his worst episodes. I understand that pushing Dave too much could be detrimental to his well-being. But I don't want to be a secondary partner. Many people are happy with that but not me. I want a future where I am as much a part of John's family as Dave is. I want to be able to mention things like adopting children without John shutting down. When I discuss all of this with him he gets upset that I'm upset and we end up in a circle of apologies. Talking with Dave seems to not be an option at this point. What should I do? Any advice?

Thank you!
 
I'm sorry you struggle. To me it sounds like you are piling on too many topics, both get emotionally flooded. John shuts down from being flooded. Then the circle of apologies.

I want a future where I am as much a part of John's family as Dave is. I want to be able to mention things like adopting children without John shutting down. When I discuss all of this with him he gets upset that I'm upset and we end up in a circle of apologies. Talking with Dave seems to not be an option at this point. What should I do? Any advice?

Well, how about changing your approach to the conversation and leaving Dave out of it for now? Something like...

SET A TIME TO TALK AND SOME GROUND RULES

"John, I want to talk about some things. This is just talking ok? It's not anything happening this minute or set in stone.

It's also not a long talk -- like 20 min. 10 for you, 10 for me. If it is really interesting, we can do it again another time. I don't want to overdo it because past talks didn't go well. But I don't want to NOT do it either. I want to know things about you and I want you to know things about me. Could you be up for bite size 20 min talks like that? If so...When shall we talk? (obtain his consent first and set a date that is NOT the same day you bring up the idea.)

ON THE DAY

So when the appointment time rolls around, you can say something like...

"For just ONE puzzle piece, I suggest we could talk about X or Y. Which sounds good to you? Or do you have a topic you would like?" (So he has some choice and voice in this.)


POSSIBLE TOPICS FROM READING YOUR POST

  • Adopting children. Does John even want to be a parent? Do you?
  • Meeting each other's friends and family and being recognized as a poly partner.
  • What open model is being practiced today? What model is wanted in future?
  • Parallel poly vs Kitchen Table Poly
  • What to do when primary-secondary wants to change to co-primary?

Any of those can be one 20 minute puzzle piece conversation. And really set a timer for 20 minutes.

Say "Thanks for sharing your thoughts with me and listening" at the end.

And then leave it alone when the timer goes. You can always talk again some other time on the same puzzle topic to grow that part of the puzzle bigger.

Could leave anything Dave related out of this for now and in some other "puzzle" conversation you guys can look at that particular puzzle piece. Do some easier ones first. To get the hang of talking more.

Right now? I think you guys need to have some "successful talks" about a hot topic without experiencing flooding/circle apology things. That might do something for each of you feeling better/more confident in talking.

Cuz you cannot do all the topics all in one go. Better to go "bite size" perhaps. So pick some easier ones to start out with.

If this was jogging, one just doesn't up and go run a marathon. One has to practice with smaller distances first to gain strength/endurance/skills. Maybe practice for a 5K first, then a 10K and so on. Right?

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
Thank you for your advice! It's very helpful. I think I probably have been flooding him a bit at times. And I also really like your idea of setting a time to talk beforehand. I've never tried that before.
 
Hello membrain,

It sounds like the main thing you long for is more involvement with the people who are important in John's life. As an extension of that, maybe you would like to live together with John and Dave, which in turn might make it easier to consider adoption. Of course that would also mean that you and Dave would need to be on friendly terms with each other. These are things that you want and need, that aren't happening right now. So it's no wonder if you feel like a secondary at times. :( You need to talk to John about it, but in a way that doesn't flood him, and leave both of you upset. Hopefully you can make use of GalaGirl's advice in a way that makes that happen. But you can't just not talk about it, that would only make the problem/s fester and grow. So set a time with John, and start with something easy.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Back
Top