nycindie
Active member
To be clear, Spork, the man who calls me every few months is not making a booty call. Not that there would be anything wrong with that, but the fact is we've been in this relationship for going on two years and, actually, we usually do not have sex when we get together. He calls me for my company - to have a meal together, to be affectionate, and to talk. We might see each other for two or maybe even three dates within a span of two weeks, and then not see each other for three or four months. It may sound rather platonic, but it's not. We make out, fondle, and snuggle with each other, and we both consider it a "romantic" relationship. As for sex, now that I think about it, we've only had full-on intercourse twice in all this time. We are very fond of each other, I care about him a great deal. I am not just a booty call to him.
I simply don't need frequent contact in order to be in a relationship. It works for me. I am not recommending my approach or pushing how I do relationships on anyone else. I described how often I need to see or hear from a lover, shared my views on expectations (at which I arrived after years of working on being self-aware, present, and living in the moment, along with a little Zen philosophy), and a little bit about how my views come into play in one of my relationships, because I was asked.
So, yes, one's position does need adjustment -- with regard to that person, not necessarily with everyone. It's perfectly valid to want what you want, but unrealistic to assume or expect that you're going to get it. Either you leave a relationship and look for someone who can realistically meet your needs and wants, or you adjust your expectations and make compromises you can live with.
I simply don't need frequent contact in order to be in a relationship. It works for me. I am not recommending my approach or pushing how I do relationships on anyone else. I described how often I need to see or hear from a lover, shared my views on expectations (at which I arrived after years of working on being self-aware, present, and living in the moment, along with a little Zen philosophy), and a little bit about how my views come into play in one of my relationships, because I was asked.
Well, see, if you (the general you at large, not specifically you) are into someone whose needs/philosophies/approach do not match your own, why indulge in feeling hurt? It is an indulgence, because if one is present and seeing things clearly, one would know that the object of their affection is not going to meet their needs, and so then the hurt is a choice that they make. It absolutely is the attachment (to wanting something from someone who cannot give it), the wistful hoping (that you will get the kind of relationship you want from someone who is incompatible), and the expectations (that people will meet needs they cannot meet) which set us up for disappointment and hurt. The other person isn't actually hurting you; your unrealistic expectations/daydreams/fantasies about what you wish you could or "should" have are what hurts you.. . . sometimes we need what we need. And while it sucks to be into somebody who isn't aligned with your needs, and be hurt by that, it doesn't mean that your needs are not valid, or your position needs adjustment.
So, yes, one's position does need adjustment -- with regard to that person, not necessarily with everyone. It's perfectly valid to want what you want, but unrealistic to assume or expect that you're going to get it. Either you leave a relationship and look for someone who can realistically meet your needs and wants, or you adjust your expectations and make compromises you can live with.
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