Non-escalator relationships

1234567

New member
I’m having a hell of a time with a non-escalator relationship.

A period of bad mental health on my partner’s side is exacerbating the non-escalator aspects. Like, I have no guarantee I will see or talk to them if I don’t reach out first, which I assume is mainly depression. (And after months of onesidedness,’I sometimes need to just let things go rather than do all the planning.) But neither of us can imagine a life without the other being happy. My partner has a hard time being around my kids. So time is limited to my free time. But when It comes to emotional support- she is my rock. Who I’ve seen maybe 2-4 hours a week for the past month. Huge dip from 2-3 nights a week, with overnighting even when kids were around.

I’m trying to “lay low” and not expect partner-like behavior. Which is much more comfortable than expecting it. And at the same time- it hurts not to have it, especially when others have this of her because of work or nesting situations. (Though that gives me hope she will get it back with me when she picks up- which tends to hold true.)

It sounds like shw’s just Not that into me- except that doesn’r seem to hold true. Not when we are together, and often not when we are apart.

She’s just struggling with life. And the struggle has booted us off the path we used to be on.

And I’m not sure where it leaves me.
 
Add-I’ve done all the things that I would advise other people to do-living my life in the spaces Apart frommy partner to the fullest -enjoying the extra time with my kids, even reconnecting with my ex in a deep friendship. I don’t want to date-I feel like I have plenty of that with my partner right now-it’s the living together kind of aspects I miss. And I’m finding sharing life comes more Easley with long-term friends. So I’m not just sitting around moping-but it can’t be ton Denied this is hard on me, and unfair to Venton to my partner, as she has really given everything her best. It’s just the way things are. But any advice on how to navigate this-just the nonconventionality and non-escalator aspect-would be welcomed. Or even just similar Stories and solidarity.
 
It must be hard :(
When I remember back to my most depressed years, I realize I must have been terribly difficult to the people around.
It's what it is, unfortunately.
 
Hi 1234567,

I was wondering, what is your partner doing to treat/help with her depression/mental health issues? Is she seeing a counselor? taking meds if prescribed? If so, then there is hope that this is a temporary situation. It sounds like it hasn't always been this way.

It sounds like you need more time with your partner. Hopefully that can happen soon.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
My partner is being very proactive on the mental health front, and has good care. It’s been years- and is likely to be recurring and not short-term. This is a cycle we go through about yearly.

There -*is* a “toxic to poly” home situation- mom of meta, who they live with, cannot wrap her head around poly because of old baggage from her marriage, and feels torn with loyalty to her daughter if nice to me. She ssubtly influences (like saying goodnight to the wholemroom but me, and when I give her an opportunity to correct by a confident, warm goodnight- ignores) I’m over as little as possible, but was over recently, and struck with the dynamic.


Partner is scared stiff of seeeming like the “bad partner” to meta in front of her mom, and possibly getting kicked out. . So partner’s “home” energy goes first to the home situation — and I get what is left,’or what they feel they can get away with and not rock the boat too hard. Right now, that’s not much. And that’s a loss.

This is really the only area partner could tackle that they are not- and it probably is up to meta to ask her mom to not be difficult or get them talking or provide reassurance that it’s not disloyalty.

I’m wondering if I have the right to point that out to meta. Or partner. I really wish a therapist for us wasnon the table, but it is not. Right now, I’m playing “family therapist” way too often in trying to manage the dynamics. I think that’s part of why I feel stuck- I can see what needs to happen, all over the place, and not the right person to say so.
 
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I’m not in a stage I want to do anything more than acknowledge truths. I rush too fast to break up sometimes; too slow sometimes; reshaping the relationship to something different seems the middle ground I would want to take. But as I do— I’m trying to make sure I’m not either being too passive or too assertive in how I deal with this.
 
My partner is being very proactive on the mental health front, and has good care.

There -*is* a “toxic to poly” home situation- mom of meta, living with them, cannot wrap her head around it, feels torn with loyalty to her daughter if nice to me, subtly influences (like saying goodnight to the wholemroom but me, and when I give her an opportunity to correct by a confident, warm goodnight-
Ignores).

Partner is scared stiff of seeeming like the “bad partner” to meta in front of her mom ,’in kom’s home, where they liver. So partner’s “home” energy goes first to the home situation — and I get what is left,’or what they feel they can get away with and not rock the boat too hard.

This is really the only area partner could tackle that they are not- and it probably is up to meta to ask her mom to not be difficult or get them talking or provide reassurance that it’s not disloyalty.

I’m wondering if I have the right to point that out to meta. Or partner. I really wish a therapist for us wasnon the table, but it is not. Right now, I’m playing “family therapist” way too often in trying to manage the dynamics. I think that’s part of why I feel stuck- I can see what needs to happen, all over the place, and not the right person to say so.

Her mother doesn't have to like or approve. I think we've stumbled into a belief that we are somehow owed other people's approval--even when we disapprove of other people's ideas or actions in return.

If I understand this, your boyfriend's mother in law lives with him. They are not only expecting her to approve of her son-in-law sleeping with another woman, you are right there in front of her expecting her to demonstrate approval.

It seems to me this is really pushing the issue, trying to force her to agree with something with which she does not agree.

And i cringed when I saw that you 'give her opportunity to correct.' She is an adult, not a child. And she is not your child. It is not your place to 'correct' another adult, and 'giving opportunity to correct' is how we speak to children or those who are lesser than us and need enlightening and help in being a better person.

If this is how you speak on the forum, such an attitude no doubt shines through to her bright and clear. It's possible she isn't crazy about you because you're meeting her with a superior, condescending attitude, rather than because you're sleeping with her daughter's husband.

Try a little more genuine consideration of the position the three of you have put her in and a little more humility. How would you like knowing that she's been viewing you in terms of 'giving you opportunity to correct?'
 
Genders are wrong, none of us are straight— but...

No, there is no such attitude shining through. I’m realizing I have a right to good treatment, more and more, not starting from a place of entitlement.

And the mom genuinely likes me. She’s just torn.
 
Honestly? If I was unintentionally slighting someone, which we all do, I would WELCOME the opportunity to correct myself. And I would call it just that. I would appreciate someone saying goodnight to me, in case I had overlooked them accidentally. I don’t see myself as a child- but still, I would think in those words.

I’m barely there. I’m not needing her approval- though we genuinely have a friendship- but, partner seems to need it to be able to feel okay about spending a day away from home if there is a snowstorm, for example, only being able to do it with difficulty on a holiday we had planned for weeks, and never just because we have a day together planned. There are 3 other adults in the house, some stronger than partner, and a snowblower, so no one is being stranded if partner is with me— but the worry interferes all the same.

And as a result, going back to the original topic, irrational fears throw us even further off the escalator. It's not chosen by either of us. It's in reaction to others, and to their perceived needs, not ours.
 
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I get my partner wants to look like the perfect relationship to meta's mom. However, I think i need partner to be okay that it will not look this way- and be okay with where meta's mom is- not understanding this completely, but okay with it as long as everyone is happy- and to leave it up to meta to communicate repeatedly as needed that she IS okay with this (she is).

I'd like partner to distinguish between what is reasonable (do a job she is proud of in keeping up with home responsibilities, and if prioritizing her home life makes her happy -doing it) and what is not (being a partner to me she doesn't feel good about because of unfounded fear of unconventionality looking like failure, and that making her unhappy)
 
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And as to "putting her in a position"- the two of them told both parents they were poly over 6 years ago. The parents ignored, and asked my partner to join the household to help out anyways. We've been extremely discreet for years, including an entire year at the beginning, closeting, while the three of us dated, introducing it at a reasonable place. I suppose if you feel you have a right to an conventional life- I put them in the position. Otherwise, I really have done due diligence in giving time and space to adjust, and the situation was chosen from all sides..
 
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Genders are wrong, none of us are straight— but...

No, there is no such attitude shining through. I’m realizing I have a right to good treatment, more and more, not starting from a place of entitlement.

And the mom genuinely likes me. She’s just torn.

You don't have the right to "good treatment" in her home. You can absolutely decide that your own rule/boundary is "good treatment" and choose not to spend time in her home as she doesn't provide this for you, but she is not obligated to facilitate your relationship with her daughter-in-law in her home. Your partner needs to have their own home where they facilitate their relationships and partners and make rules about how people are to be treated. You can't do that in Mommy's house.

You're lucky she's even letting you in given the fact she doesn't speak to you. If my mother felt the way she did, you wouldn't be in the house at all. Let alone complaining that she isn't respecting your relationship.

This isn't an in-law issue, it's a partner issue. Your partner doesn't think this is the issue that you do.
 
And as a result, going back to the original topic, irrational fears throw us even further off the escalator. It's not chosen by either of us. It's in reaction to others, and to their perceived needs, not ours.
Wait, so what's the shared vision for your V? At first I thought you were off the escalator by design. Do you have future goals together?
 
I am sorry you are struggling. It's a lot of layers you have going on there.

I have a hard time with no names. I am going to take the liberty of using some generic names. If you want different ones I am happy to go with what you pick.

  • Apple – Your partner
  • Banana – you partner's other partner
  • Cherry – Banana's mom. Apple and Banana live with her in the same house.

I am going to repeat back in my own words what I think is happening. You correct me if I am wrong, ok? I might be guessing wrong on some of it.

I quote just to visually block it off.

I am tired of the dynamic in my poly-network and “poly-in-law” network. I find myself playing "family therapist" more often than I would like. I want to stop doing that.

I’m trying to make sure I’m not either being too passive or too assertive in how I deal with this. Sometimes I rush too fast to break up sometimes; too slow sometimes. What I would like (if possible) is middle ground – to reshape the relationship dynamics so all of us can be better off.

Here's my current problems.

1) DEPRESSION.

My partner Apple has depression. She also sometimes over-worries about things and has irrational fears. She can be something of a perfectionist and when things don't go how she wants she goes into a funk. She's doing her best and doing her medical things. But when she's in a depression funk, she's low energy. After meeting her home and work obligations there is little time left to spend with me.

We go through this cycle yearly. I'm not the chronic patient, but it does affect me too. I do my best on my own during these funks (hobbies, time with friends, etc) but it's hard.

I don't want to vent my frustrations on her and add to her load, so I vent to _______. That (does/does not) help me. (DO you have a support system?)

2) APPLE AND CHERRY GET WEIRD AT THEIR HOUSE WHEN I AM OVER

Some of the stuff Apple worries about makes no sense to me.

Apple and Banana (her other partner) live with Banana's mom – Cherry. Cherry does not understand poly completely, but is okay with it as long as everyone is happy.

Banana herself is is happy being in a V thing. I would like Banana to communicate to both Apple and Cherry that she IS okay with this so they can both RELAX. In fact, I would like her to communicate this often and repeatedly as many times as needed so that they can actually permanently relax.

It's like Cherry doesn't know how to include me in simple stuff like saying goodnight when I am over without coming off as “disloyal” to her kid Banana because she's treating Apple's other partner (me) "too nice" or “too close.” She likes me and we have a friendship, but it's like she doesn't know if I count as family or friend or in between or what. Or maybe she behaves this way because Cherry doesn't want to trigger Apple into a depression funk, because Cherry has to live with her so she's walking on eggshells. Either way... weird to me.

Apple frets about being the “perfect couple” with Banana because she doesn't want Cherry to think she's being disloyal to Banana by having another partner – me. Apple feels guilty spending time with me away from the home because she wants Cherry's reassurance that she's ok with the V thing and Cherry undestands that sometimes Apple has to attend to her other partner.

I struggle because I feel stuck. I am tired of neither Banana nor Apple asking Cherry to talk the weird out so it can STOP being weird when I'm over there. Like Apple's depression, this house dynamic is not my thing. But it does affect me sometimes.

3) AUTHENTIC REALISTIC RELATING -- NOT "PERFECT" RELATING

I crave authentic relationship and authentic relating. Less weird and less pussy-footing.

  • I don't want to say anything to Cherry myself because I think like it's not my place to. (Why not? This is a long term V, but you don't count in the V? )

  • Apple wants her and Banana to always look like the “perfect relationship” to Cherry. I need Apple to be okay that it will not always be that way and relax more. Let relationships have their bumps and not have to be “perfect” all the time.

  • I would like Apple to be okay with where Cherry is in her process. Cherry doesn't get poly, but she's ok with it so long as everyone is happy. Why is this not “good enough” for Apple? Does Apple want something “perfect” from Cherry too?

4) CHANGING HER THINKING

I'd like Apple to distinguish between what is reasonable and what is not reasonable and allow herself to feel things appropriately. Perhaps update her management plan. (Ex: Work with her doctors in other ways, find a group, read a book or workbook, etc.)

Some of her thinking is reasonable to me because it's stuff she can actually DO and has control over.
  • Apple could keep up with home responsibilities and then feel proud of that.
  • If prioritizing her home life makes her happy – Apple could do it and take joy from doing it.

I get frustrated that she doesn't just DO it.

Some of her thinking is unreasonable to me because it is out of her control or circle thinking.

  • Worrying too much what other people might think instead of what IS -- like the whole thing with Cherry. Apple worries Cherry thinks she's not "perfect couple" enough while Cherry thinks "I don't get poly but so long as everyone is happy it's good enough."

  • Apple doesn't feel good about being my partner because she has this unfounded fear of unconventionality and “looking like failure.” Thinking stuff like that makes her unhappy. And then she sinks into a depression mode. And Apple in depression mode isn't all that great a partner to me. It's like a self-fulling prophecy thing.

For me to feel better in this relationship? I want Apple to work on combating her cognitive distortions more.

If this is where this is at?

If therapy is cost prohibitive right now, I think you could ask Apple to consider doing the things that are free or low cost -- read a book, find Recovery International meeting, see what is going on at libraries, extension offices, universities, churches (places that hold workshop) etc.

I think you could ask Banana something like “Banana, could you be willing to reassure Apple and Cherry that you are happy in the V thing more often? They get weird around me sometimes. I think they need to hear it so they can relax more."

I wonder if Cherry is a bit weird in the family home when you are over, because she doesn't know how to be around depressed Apple. Like she's trying to support Apple in her “perfect couple-ness” with Banana by not overly acknowledging you. Because she has to live with Apple. And Apple in a funk is a drag to live with. Is that it? Cherry's walking on eggshells?

I think you could talk to Cherry directly about your discomfort in the home. This isn't like you are a V partner of a few weeks or it is some secret. They both told parents 6 years ago that they were poly. If you crave more authentic relating and less weird, you might have to lead the charge and be more "real" with Cherry rather than waiting for Apple and Banana to address your problems with Cherry for you. Could start facing things head on yourself. Accept you may have to teach Cherry how to "be" with you as a sort of "poly-in-law" person because Cherry doesn't get poly and she probably doesn't have many models to copy how to be from.

I think you and Banana (as partners to Apple) and maybe even you, Banana, and Cherry (as people who sometimes live/spend a lot of time with Apple) may need more support.

Patient relationships are not like “regular” relationships. And depression can take a toll on the rest of the family. It doesn't sound like much at first -- "annual depression funk" can be like "Oh, it's just once a year" at first. But enough years and times on that... it can grow tiresome for the people who live with the patient. Like "Oh, god. This AGAIN? When can we just SKIP it?"

Eventually you guys need to find support of you own, and reassess if this this something you want to keep doing annually, or if you need to be handling it a different way each year. Something somewhere could change.

My own boundary is "If you are working you management plan, I'll stick around." Because I have conditions of my own, and chronic patient land is a drag. It's not someone's fault they have the condition. They did not pick it out. But it IS on them to do their management plan. Slip ups happen. If I see the patient is trying to work it, I can forgive a slip up and hang in there with them because the INTENT is management.

If they are NOT doing their management plan and basically wanting to use me for "emotional dumpster" so they can feel better in the moment and I basically feel slimed? And they are NOT gonna do anything to try to help themselves? The intent is not management. It is using me.

The consequence I can do is "(Support you in your management plan) is one thing. (Enabling you to hurt me) is another. I quit this job."
I can walk away.

For my OWN mental health I have to be strict about who I let into my inner circle.

So... if your main goal is to reshape dynamics with these people... it could start with you and how you interact with them. Start making requests. Ask for changes you want to see. Be more authentic when talking to them and don't shy away from "hard topics." Lean INTO it, not away.

I don't know if any of that helps you any.

Galagirl
 
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You don't have the right to "good treatment" in her home. You can absolutely decide that your own rule/boundary is "good treatment" and choose not to spend time in her home as she doesn't provide this for you, but she is not obligated to facilitate your relationship with her daughter-in-law in her home. Your partner needs to have their own home where they facilitate their relationships and partners and make rules about how people are to be treated. You can't do that in Mommy's house.

You're lucky she's even letting you in given the fact she doesn't speak to you. If my mother felt the way she did, you wouldn't be in the house at all. Let alone complaining that she isn't respecting your relationship.

This isn't an in-law issue, it's a partner issue. Your partner doesn't think this is the issue that you do.

You're right, and I agree- and not speaking is exaggerated. She does speak to me- and even welcomes me- and then shows she's torn. The time I was over was specifically negotiated by my meta because of extenuating circumstances.

I'm not complaining she's not respecting my relationship- I'm acknowledging that it's possible that she may have more power in how I'm being treated by my partner than should happen. Hierarchy. With a partner's mom on top.

And this might be both caused by and exacerbating the mental illness.

Part of the work in making a relationship is learning to prioritize partner over parent. I have complete sympathy for the fact its way harder to prioritize partner over partner's parent who you also live with- but still, if you treat your partner in a way YOU don't respect, out of fear of what she is feeling and thinking, you are never going to respect yourself, and your partner is going to - sometimes- feel like dirt. Which is going to make you feel like dirt- because you know better.

As to the good treatment- I'm not expecting a lot from the mom, and she actually does a really good job- she's torn. I do expect a little more of my meta- that she reassures her mom, to make to easier for everybody- and again, she does a decent job. I'm also expecting good treatment in the face of the situation from my partner. And- I'm hoping that my partner will learn that they have a right to pursue hopes and dreams and what makes them feel good in the face of this. Because the casualty here is not me. It may be our relationship- but the biggest casualty is that my partner's fear is in the drivers' seat, stopping her from enjoying time with me and my family. Unlike me, my partner doesn't choose to be poly. It's what she is. If not with me, with someone else. My meta is too.

(My complaint with the behavior from the mom is not that it happens- but I'm dismayed to see my partner pick it up as her own from time to time because too much weight is being put on the mom's feelings, and not enough on her own. And that's- shitty. Mildly annoyingly shitty, but I really don't like being conveniently invisible.)

I've been the throwaway over in that house because of fear for a long time. With that bleeding into when I am home- my partner has left me in the middle of a date in crisis for a lesser crisis over there. And only realized after- the prioritization was completely wrong and unfair- it was fear speaking. She's done a really good job of learning not to with meta- but fear of what others (MIL) think can still rule. MIL's reservations are hers- but my partner accepts then as valid, but not her own desires to be poly. And they don't get balanced- with my partner at the losing end, and then me as fallout.

It's an issue that needs addressing, and I have a right to complicated feelings over it, and have a right to rail against the fact poly is not mainstream enough to be automatically accepted. I don't have a right to expect it to be easy for the mom to accept- I do know it's part of the work of loving her daughter and partner and making their lives easier, and people are slowly doing that work.

I appreciate it, but I'm also at the end of my rope with the amount of fear-based behavior that bleeds over- and that is okay in this situation. I may need to wait for something to change. But I can advocate for it being accepted that poly is going to make mom in law uncomfortable sometimes, and ask that unreasonable fear around this be dealt with- so I experience respect from my partner.

Of course partner needs their own place- but incapacitating disability. She cannot do it own her own. There is talk of moving out regularly, and it may happen, but then either there's a downturn in mental health or parent asks to stay. And mostly, that is a good arrangement for all. It's not a black and white good-or-bad thing Life is complex, and they have a pretty good symbiosis going.

We go to mine as often as possible- but partner was newly out of hospital, unable to drive, and meta had specifically negotiated for company over there as she was unable to be that company, being away. (usually they just don't have anyone over). Me being allowed in the house and treated decently is something the group over there has negotiated. The partners are negotiating for their poly to be treated with respect. Meta is better at accepting fallout sometimes happens than partner.

Truly, I am in many ways lucky with this arrangement and polycule. And at the same time- it's okay for me to be bothered when the fear is so overreaching that IT, not respect for what is actually needed in that house, is in the drivers' seat. And especially when that fear makes my partner's life worse and affects our relationship.
 
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(My complaint with the behavior from the mom is not that it happens- but I'm dismayed to see my partner pick it up as her own from time to time because too much weight is being put on the mom's feelings, and not enough on her own. And that's- shitty. Mildly annoyingly shitty, but I really don't like being conveniently invisible.)

Does not sound like Apple has good personal boundaries at this time. She picks up other people's stuff for her own, and then frets on it. Rather than practicing "my stuff - their stuff - our stuff." She makes it all be her stuff rather than letting their stuff be only theirs to deal with. Over THERE.

And/or maybe she IS putting weight on her feelings. Just that she's putting investing in the fearful feelings rather than investing in feelings of "I can handle this." Like the wolf story.


I appreciate it, but I'm also at the end of my rope with the amount of fear-based behavior that bleeds over- and that is okay in this situation. I may need to wait for something to change. But I can advocate for it being accepted that poly is going to make mom in law uncomfortable sometimes, and ask that unreasonable fear around this be dealt with- so I experience respect from my partner.

It's ok to be tired of the fearfulness ruling so much.

You could point out to Apple when she's letting fear be in the driver's seat. And ask her to rethink her options/choices if "coping-ness" is in the driver's seat instead.

You can also ask Apple to please let Cherry's stuff be her stuff and not take on other people's stuff for herself. Help her practice stronger personal boundaries.

Some of the stuff? It is only Apple stuff, her responsibility. Some of the stuff? That is their stuff. That other person's responsibility, not Apple's. Some stuff might be shared stuff or "our" stuff.

(Apple + Banana) stuff is "our stuff" for THEM. You are not in that.
(Apple + you) stuff is "our stuff" for you two. Banana or other people are not in that.
(Banana + Cherry) stuff? That is "our stuff" to them. NEITHER you or Apple is in that.

Apple cannot make everything be "my stuff" for herself. The weight of the world and its problems does not have to lie only on her shoulders. Going around like that would add rather than take away from depression. :(

Galagirl
 
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I am sorry you are struggling. It's a lot of layers you have going on there.

I have a hard time with no names. I am going to take the liberty of using some generic names. If you want different ones I am happy to go with what you pick.

  • Apple – Your partner
  • Banana – you partner's other partner
  • Cherry – Banana's mom. Apple and Banana live with her in the same house.

I am going to repeat back in my own words what I think is happening. You correct me if I am wrong, ok? I might be guessing wrong on some of it.

I quote just to visually block it off.



If this is where this is at?

If therapy is cost prohibitive right now, I think you could ask Apple to consider doing the things that are free or low cost -- read a book, find Recovery International meeting, see what is going on at libraries, extension offices, universities, churches (places that hold workshop) etc.

I think you could ask Banana something like “Banana, could you be willing to reassure Apple and Cherry that you are happy in the V thing more often? They get weird around me sometimes. I think they need to hear it so they can relax more."

I wonder if Cherry is a bit weird in the family home when you are over, because she doesn't know how to be around depressed Apple. Like she's trying to support Apple in her “perfect couple-ness” with Banana by not overly acknowledging you. Because she has to live with Apple. And Apple in a funk is a drag to live with. Is that it? Cherry's walking on eggshells?

I think you could talk to Cherry directly about your discomfort in the home. This isn't like you are a V partner of a few weeks or it is some secret. They both told parents 6 years ago that they were poly. If you crave more authentic relating and less weird, you might have to lead the charge and be more "real" with Cherry rather than waiting for Apple and Banana to address your problems with Cherry for you. Could start facing things head on yourself. Accept you may have to teach Cherry how to "be" with you as a sort of "poly-in-law" person because Cherry doesn't get poly and she probably doesn't have many models to copy how to be from.

I think you and Banana (as partners to Apple) and maybe even you, Banana, and Cherry (as people who sometimes live/spend a lot of time with Apple) may need more support.

Patient relationships are not like “regular” relationships. And depression can take a toll on the rest of the family. It doesn't sound like much at first -- "annual depression funk" can be like "Oh, it's just once a year" at first. But enough years and times on that... it can grow tiresome for the people who live with the patient. Like "Oh, god. This AGAIN? When can we just SKIP it?"

Eventually you guys need to find support of you own, and reassess if this this something you want to keep doing annually, or if you need to be handling it a different way each year. Something somewhere could change.

My own boundary is "If you are working you management plan, I'll stick around." Because I have conditions of my own, and chronic patient land is a drag. It's not someone's fault they have the condition. They did not pick it out. But it IS on them to do their management plan. Slip ups happen. If I see the patient is trying to work it, I can forgive a slip up and hang in there with them because the INTENT is management.

If they are NOT doing their management plan and basically wanting to use me for "emotional dumpster" so they can feel better in the moment and I basically feel slimed? And they are NOT gonna do anything to try to help themselves? The intent is not management. It is using me.

The consequence I can do is "Support (you in your management plan) is one thing. Enabling you (to hurt me) is another. I quit this job."
I can walk away.

For my OWN mental health I have to be strict about who I let into my inner circle.

So... if your main goal is to reshape dynamics with these people... it could start with you and how you interact with them. Start making requests. Ask for changes you want to see. Be more authentic when talking to them and don't shy away from "hard topics." Lean INTO it, not away.

I don't know if any of that helps you any.

Galagirl

That helps a lot. Apple is truly doing all she can for her mental health- but probably needs to move into this area more with her providers, and I suspect they are starting to nudge her more into it- but I've seen that before. I might end up being the tipping point- but it's a gentle balance, because Apple feels like she's always failing me if I bring stuff up. (why we could use joint counseling, but Apple is stretched too thin with the amount of work she is doing- it is a lot. several appts a week minimum.)

It's a year-long cycle- but has 6 months of buildup, so its pretty significant.

And, yes, I may need to talk with Cherry myself. That is a good idea.
 
Glad it helps some.

Sometimes part of polyamory is dealing with Chronic Patient Land. It's not an esp glam part, but it is part of human relating. Sometimes people have conditions.

You sound like you are not just partner but partial caregiver too. And while caregivers help support the patient? Caregivers themselves need support too. Like... who is gonna support the supporters? It sounds like this area for you could use bolstering. If you and Apple are not able to do couple therapy right now because her individual therapy is an intense load at this time? You might consider if you want to go on your own for just you.

Overall you sound mostly glad to be there -- just maybe wearing thin on the caregiver front? Which is understandable.

I hope you feel a bit better for venting some here. It's ok to feel how you feel.

Galagirl
 
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Apple is truly doing all she can for her mental health- but probably needs to move into this area more with her providers, and I suspect they are starting to nudge her more into it- but I've seen that before. I might end up being the tipping point- but it's a gentle balance, because Apple feels like she's always failing me if I bring stuff up.
You seem to have an extraordinarily good feel for the dynamics of the whole group, and this is a good thing.
I wonder though if you maybe tend to get lost in analyzing the whole group and seeing things from other people's perspectives, and then you loose track of your own perspective and your own boundaries. Like you're doing the same thing that you feel is complicated about apple - that she assumes worries on the side of her partner's mom and tries to appease them instead of doing her thing. You too are afraid to take action to achieve the arrangement you'd like to see.
I'm not saying 'go push apple now', certainly not, but maybe some focus on knowing the actions you want to take and just choosing the correct timing for them to have an effect would help against feeling stuck.
 
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