Just LR

Questions, if you don't mind:

This is kind of personal, but I was surprised to see you say GG was a mere sperm donor for Sour Pea. Why was this choice made? I mean, I think you've been sexual with GG on and off, over the decades. Were you not at that time? Why make a baby with him?

Where is GG living now in relation to your place, and to his bio kid?

Why don't you just sever ties with him (except for his limited contact with his bio kid)? It seems like you two are done.
 
We were not sexually involved at that time Mags & we weren't poly. It was a choice based upon the preferences of all three of us-Maca couldn't have any more children.
FYI-our choice is to maintain honesty and openness and allow relationships to thrive between everyone; thus everyone under the sun knows the biology.

However-legally speaking-that is where it stands. He has no legal rights, because it wasn't "an open adoption"; it wasn't he and I having sex and making a baby out of wedlock etc. It was sperm donation.
 
Where is GG living now in relation to your place, and to his bio kid?

Why don't you just sever ties with him (except for his limited contact with his bio kid)? It seems like you two are done.

He is living with us. He has until January 1st to find a place of his own. That was the timeframe we gave him when I told him he needs to find his own place. I don't know where he is going to be living. He could be within a mile of our place, like Maca was when he rented his own place; or he could be upwards of 50 miles if he moves back into Anchorage.

I don't sever ties completely because I prefer to maintain a friendly relationship when possible with exes.
I have terminated the dating relationship. I have terminated the sexual involvement.
We are in process of negotiating how things will fall out regarding the kids.

All of the kids consider him an uncle and ALL of the extended family consider him family as well. So even if I decided I didnt watn anything to do with him again-he would be invited to extended family events and it would be my choice to not attend if I wanted to avoid him. That strikes me as unnecessary and over-dramatic.
The issues warrant not being involved in a dating relationship; for my well-being. They may result in him not being able to take a parenting role with Sour Pea. But he's a good uncle figure, he makes time for the kids, he enjoys hanging out, watching a movie, going to the park etc. THese are fun things extended family members can enjoy-without the responsibilities of parenting, they just don't get the perks of being a parent either.
It WOULD be upsetting for Sour Pea to be denied contact at all.

Shrug

I suspect a lot more will change when he actually moves out (which is in process). There WILL be more distance between us, less day to day contact.

But in terms of grand "black or white", arm sweeping decisions; that's not really in the ball park.

There will be no court involvement. We covered the bases to ensure that before creating SourPea.
There will be no "you are not allowed to be around me ever again" demands. It's not necessary.

What is necessary is that he not be involved in making choices regarding the finances and long term plans of the family. That he be solely responsible for caring for himself, his finances, his future.

That doesn't require writing him out of our lives altogether.
 
Kid progress!!!!!

Saw the dr. Today. Spent about 2 hours in the office, just Sourpea, me, Dr & nurse.
Sourpea colored and read books allowed, talked to the Dr and the nurse and we all talked.
This Dr also saw the older kids and see's our grandchildren. So she is well versed in the family dynamics etc. she was very capable of talking to the kiddo about real life things IN HER WORLD.
Sourpea was very open and honest and expressive. Having the Dr. Ask "hows little p? Is he driving you crazy now that he is 3" and similar put her at ease.

The amount of time allowed her "normal" behavior to come out. Tryin to read (which she does well) but getting distracted by a picture on the wall in a room she had already been in. Coloring a picture and switching what she was coloring mid way through-several times. She wasn't ill-behaved or rude. But the distractability, inability to sit down, even to do what she wanted to do, the topic changes mid sentence when she talks, all came out with no provocation or discussion of the issue.

She has a prescription and a Dr. Now !!!
 
Great doctor visit!

Thanks for the info about GG. I guess I got confused when you were up in Kodiak, or on vacation in California, and fussing about GG's phone interactions with Sourpea.

OK, so she was conceived with a turkey baster or some such method. All is worked out legally. GG has no parental rights, but he does have what you call uncle privileges. You traditionally try to remain cordial with exes, plus he is considered family by your extended family and will be in your life at family events.

I just feel badly for you because you are so disappointed, frustrated, hurt and angry about his... well, basically his functioning, or lack thereof, in his own life. This spills over into how he is with your daughter.

It just doesn't look good for future "friendship." You seem to have little to no respect for him since his ADD is untreated and he is not acting like a responsible adult in his life and hasn't for a long time.

My sympathies. I broke up with my husband of 30+ years so I can relate. We have been separated for 6 years now and divorced for 3. We are cordial but not what I would call friends. He is cool in many ways but because of his low self esteem, passive aggressive tendencies, and other things, not someone I would choose for an actual friend or confidant at this point in my life.

But I see you working to find an acceptable box to put GG in, where you don't have to deal with his shit on a daily basis, his role with the children is defined, and he can stop hurting you. Kudos.
 
Thanks Mags.
I am frustrated and hurt.

But-I also recognize-that I have been frustrating and hurtful in my life to people who have found that after some time I was able to get my own head out of my ass and was worth re-engaging with as a friend.

So-I'm willing to hope that given time and some space, he can learn to manage his life better and I can get OUT of the role of being the "go-to man" for him.
We'll see.

Sweet Pea got home safely Tuesday night. It was SO good to see him when he walked out of the security gate at the airport! I really missed him!
He came out looking all serious, as soon as we made eye contact, he got a grin and said "hey sexy mommy!" (I have always called him my sexy baby). He gave me a big hug and a kiss and then looked for his dad, got a hug from his dad too. All good.

Last night we were all hanging out in the living room. Sweet Pea and I were curled up on the loveseat together, catching up on his trip and what has gone on here while he's been gone. We started cracking jokes, it derailed (happily) to the point we were both laughing so hard we had tears rolling down our faces, our shirts were wet from our tears. We both were complaining our stomachs hurt because we laughed for so long.
The rest of the family was watching (and talking) and shaking their heads at us. We couldn't stop laughing.
One of us would say a word and then we'd erupt into fits of giggles all over again.

Suffice it to say; we both missed each other. Sweet Pea told his grampa this morning "it's just that mom and me, we understand each other & we have the same sense of humor. But no one else gets it."
I agreed; I added, "yeah, when we're apart, we just have all this stuff in our head and no one we can share it with, cause no one else gets it."

I think we both are feeling better today. Not that we were feeling BAD, just that there is something spectacularly wonderful about being able to let everything serious go and just have a freaking hilariously fun time with someone else who totally gets it.

He's such an awesome kid. I really hope when he finds life partner(s); they are just as awesome lol! Cause I really enjoy hanging out with him!

We (he and I) are planning a vacation together. We want to go on a "mom and son" trip as a graduation gift to each other (I graduate with my bachelors and him from hs about the same time). We haven't yet established a where to yet-but we're planning. :)

Tomorrow EARLY morning he and Maca leave with grampa and uncle and nephew to go to hunting camp til the 20th. That will be cool for them. Tomorrow evening I fly out to Oklahoma til the 26th.

Today I traded the van in for a small prius. :) Another check mark on my to-do list. Lower payments and MUCH better gas mileage. :)
 
Glad you're feeling better, and yay on the Prius! I drove one as a rental, and once I figured out the whole "how do I get going" thing, it was great. :)
 
Much better gas mileage than the Dodge Caravan. ;) Since I will be commuting 50 miles each way 4-5 days a week, that is important. Last semester I was spending over $1000 each month in fuel. :(
 
Holy crap. You and Chops could commiserate. He's got a VW Jetta (turbo) that uses Premium (!) and there are about 100 miles in between homes. Wheeeee... Not.

Yay for fuel economy! :D
 
Crazy day! Woke up at 6am to Maca's alarm clock. He spent an hour loading the last of their hunting gear in the truck/trailer. Then came to kiss me goodbye. I was in the midst of a bizarre nitemare. I said "thanks for waking me up". He thought I was being sarcastic but i explained.
However-it ended up being another hour and a half before he and Sweet Pea left because some of their group was late getting to our place to go.

Saw them off.
In the meantime: had to call the dealership because when THEY drove the car out to our town they messed up the front passenger wheel well. Gg followed me to their "sister dealership" to drop the car off so they can fix the damage while I am out of town. (eyeroll).
GG drove around the last errands with Sourpea and I, but i got carsick and he was having some frustrations with his new car (stick shift). He knows how to drive a stick, but its been ages and he doesn't know the technicalities of how it works-which helps when assessing what minor changes need made if you are having issues.
So I drove us to town when we headed in to drop me at the airport, explained the inner workings of the process & gave him a few pointers on his car in particular (like the clutch engages a good 4-5 inches before the floor) that hopefully will help him drive it more smoothly without the jerking and engine revving.
I took him and Sourpea to dinner at Olive Garden & then we walked around the mall. At the airport there are all sorts of Alaska pics and artwork and animals (taxidermy). So we walked Sourpea through and let her look at them. Finally it was time for them to head back home (hour drive). Gave hugs and kisses for Sourpea, promised to call tomorrow night when i arrive in Oklahoma (8 hr layover in Seattle first).

It was a fairly peaceful but extraordinarily busy day. I am EXHAUSTED as I wait to board my first flight.
 
Having a nice time visiting with my mom.

But simultaneously I am emotionally tender and sensitive right now. A dear friend, a difficult to explain friend, shut me out today. I don't know what is going on, he's in Alaska, I'm in Oklahoma. Maybe he has too much going on and just shut out the world because he needs a break. God knows i've been there before. I have no way of knowing.
But the shock of him ignoring my texts and calls & then deleting a post I made to his fb and deleting his fb altogether minutes later was quite succinctly painful.

He's no my lover. he never was. Never will be. There was a time that it could have happened. But my sister was also interested & that was rare for her back then. So I stepped back. However he and i have maintained a close, affectionate, flirtatious relationship in the ensuing 27 years.....
He knows damn good and well I am sexually attracted to him & he knows why I can't go there. I am pretty sure that if I changed my stance, he would reconsider his. But I can't change my stance.
At any rate I love him. How do you define the love? He is like a brother in terms of the role he has always had in my life. But Im not sexually attracted to my brothers.
He's like an unrequited love in some ways-except he does love me; but whatever interest exists, can not be fulfilled.
He's a friend, a dear friend.
He's frequently a fantasy.
He's a confidante.
He makes me laugh when I am already crying.
He is protective when I am endangered.
He is playful and fun and serious and hardworking.
He reminds me that I have sex appeal.
He reminds me I have a heart.
He reminds me I am not alone, I have a family, chosen one by one for their precious, unreplaceable, dedicated, commitment.
He reminds me to be daring and risque.

I would be his lover if circumstances were different. He is a good man and in some arenas we are such a perfect match. But I won't go against my own principles. I wont destroy my relationship with my sister. I wont risk my marriage. ( I think GG would be ok).

And so-heres this friend, someone I can talk to about so many things I simply cant share with other friends & somehow I have hurt and upset him. I'm devastated. Im in tears. I want to fix it. But im stuck waiting to go home the 26th.

I don't love half-heartedly. I love deeply and passionately. Even when I am not coulling myself with those I love, they are still deeply engraved upon the delths of my heart.
 
While not having been through precisely the same kind of loss, I can relate to the jarring pain of getting shut out when you don't know why you're being shut out -- and of course, have no way to find out.

Sorry that's happened.
 
I don't doubt the issue is resolvable. I'm feeling sensitive and isolated because I'm too far away to do much with it at the moment. He wants to talk face to face.
We've weathered a lot over the years, there isn't anything I doubt we can weather.

He did send me a text late last night (it doesn't help that his work schedule is insane) saying "I love you, go to sleep".
But I'm emotional and tired. I wrote him a letter (OMG real paper lol) and I'm mailing it today along with the birthday cards for my sister and my oldest daughter whose birthdays are this next week.

The quiet on my cell was noticable and not ignorable today. I couldn't help wondering what he was doing and missing the random, playful texts.

Today I went Antique store shopping with my mom. Good grief! That was insanity! But I got some records for Sweet Pea & a stone egg for Sour Pea. We had a good time.

We drove through a thunderstorm. It was 90 degrees and less than 1 mile later it was 70! That was fun. Lots of lightening and rain and thunder. Exciting exciting.
 
Sounds like things are beginning to look up a bit. That's a relief.
 
Mostly-things are fine.

I was tired already yesterday, this is a fairly emotional trip (I'm down here to see friends whose daughter died last month) & away from the family + knowing I won't see Maca until Halloween.

So when Panther dropped contact it was a shock and hurtful timing. That doesn't mean he didn't have a good reason; who knows what was going on for him at home. Sometimes life is overwhelming and you just need space. I DO understand that.

Not to mention; our relationship/friendship has a strong sexual tension to it. That we both are conscious of; but avoid crossing lines with. Sometimes that alone is enough to make one or the other of us need a break from contact, some space.

It's not something I discuss with ANYONE at all. Because it's TOO easy for people to misconstrue. Too easy to assume that we will act on the interest; when doing so would be hurtful to our family, probably ourselves as well.

Anyway. Yeah. I'm doing ok all in all.
I've really enjoyed the uninterrupted time with my mom (such a rarity and going to be more rare since she's moved down here).
I REALLY enjoyed the chance to visit with a friend I hadn't seen in 21 years. He was in town (here) for 2 days and those two days happened to coincide with my visit. So we spent a day together (with my mom too) hanging out. THAT was AWESOME!
I hope that we can coordinate again, but he lives in Guatemala and I live in Alaska; so that is not such a simple thing. lol!
 
Well sometimes things have a way of working out. Although ... to lose one's daughter ... I just can't imagine that.
 
Glad you're enjoying the trip (and that you were able to get together with your friend from Guatemala! Great timing!). Still hoping things look up on the home front. Glad you're taking care of yourself, though, and enjoying your time with your mom. :)
 
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