They're afraid of something. Or a number of things. Potentially "others being in the way". Or otherwise "neglect concerns".
Being mono won't make those concerns "go away". Before ANYTHING ELSE address the concerns. Otherwise you're in an "unaware relationship". The most dangerous one. Technically you're already in one regardless of whatever "safe labels" are used. You love each other. Accept it. It's happened. Work together on things. Be there even there's others that matter (and let's be clear here. Others DO matter to you wherever you're poly or mono). Maybe find the value of things that aren't sex that can mean "just as much" and be "just as intimate". That way you know "others matter to both of you". No "Like X or Y" about it because you're you and they're them.
The question is can you trust yourself to be there for "everyone at once"? There can be fears from others but "show and tell" works. It's proof of your own abilities. If they doubt they DO mistrust you. Even if they claim otherwise. Accept it. It happens. People want to trust, claim too and yet don't at times. But SHOW it and there's no room for doubt beyond irrational thinking (that's a whole other can of tuna. Will also affect far more then a relationship).
It can happen if she doesn't like it. Even if she doesn't want you too. But make sure you're there for her regardless. Make sure it's fair yourself. It's how I make things work out. "I'm here for you and no one is actually in the way."
My theory is she's afraid of being in a position where she needs you at the exact same time another does. It's been presented to me by formally mono people at least. Worth asking about? My answer is "pulling a Batman and saving both Robin and the girl". I know I can have my cake and eat it too. I know I have that ability. What's more I can teach you how to do that yourself. Not a "poly/mono" thing alone. It's about "Being prepared for a situation". And if it's an UNEXPECTED situation when someone "just shows up" with you then you will want to be prepared. You're only mono until a point in time someone else is in your heart. Normally out of the blue because you didn't consider the possibility. Though of course it's perfectly possible she'll remain happiest with you alone as well. So it's worth talking about the theoretical situation of "What if it was you" (Hypothetical situations help with "not feeling forced"). It's a reassurance thing. "Treat others as you want to be treated" or something. You already KNOW that. They already know it too. But saying it out loud with each other helps and works wonders. Even if you got amazing "dr phill" traits/qualities. It drills it into both of you. Instructs. Directs. Little like knowing a weapon and having to practice anyway. Or computers. Or any other skill/talent. Don't have to "go through it" at first. But if nothing else you need to be understood and understand what they'd do if there was "another person that just showed up". Unless you want to be ignorant on that account.
The real question is if you know how to handle multiple people at once. Or if you've even asked yourself. If not then it's time to start asking. Especially if you can't help but fall for others as well.
Being mono won't make those concerns "go away". Before ANYTHING ELSE address the concerns. Otherwise you're in an "unaware relationship". The most dangerous one. Technically you're already in one regardless of whatever "safe labels" are used. You love each other. Accept it. It's happened. Work together on things. Be there even there's others that matter (and let's be clear here. Others DO matter to you wherever you're poly or mono). Maybe find the value of things that aren't sex that can mean "just as much" and be "just as intimate". That way you know "others matter to both of you". No "Like X or Y" about it because you're you and they're them.
The question is can you trust yourself to be there for "everyone at once"? There can be fears from others but "show and tell" works. It's proof of your own abilities. If they doubt they DO mistrust you. Even if they claim otherwise. Accept it. It happens. People want to trust, claim too and yet don't at times. But SHOW it and there's no room for doubt beyond irrational thinking (that's a whole other can of tuna. Will also affect far more then a relationship).
It can happen if she doesn't like it. Even if she doesn't want you too. But make sure you're there for her regardless. Make sure it's fair yourself. It's how I make things work out. "I'm here for you and no one is actually in the way."
My theory is she's afraid of being in a position where she needs you at the exact same time another does. It's been presented to me by formally mono people at least. Worth asking about? My answer is "pulling a Batman and saving both Robin and the girl". I know I can have my cake and eat it too. I know I have that ability. What's more I can teach you how to do that yourself. Not a "poly/mono" thing alone. It's about "Being prepared for a situation". And if it's an UNEXPECTED situation when someone "just shows up" with you then you will want to be prepared. You're only mono until a point in time someone else is in your heart. Normally out of the blue because you didn't consider the possibility. Though of course it's perfectly possible she'll remain happiest with you alone as well. So it's worth talking about the theoretical situation of "What if it was you" (Hypothetical situations help with "not feeling forced"). It's a reassurance thing. "Treat others as you want to be treated" or something. You already KNOW that. They already know it too. But saying it out loud with each other helps and works wonders. Even if you got amazing "dr phill" traits/qualities. It drills it into both of you. Instructs. Directs. Little like knowing a weapon and having to practice anyway. Or computers. Or any other skill/talent. Don't have to "go through it" at first. But if nothing else you need to be understood and understand what they'd do if there was "another person that just showed up". Unless you want to be ignorant on that account.
The real question is if you know how to handle multiple people at once. Or if you've even asked yourself. If not then it's time to start asking. Especially if you can't help but fall for others as well.
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