New to Poly....

Droidprincess

New member
Hi! I am new to the poly life style. My current relationships are my fiance who I live with and my boyfriend who is currently long distance. My current struggle is my ideals have developed into poly feelings but my fiance is still more of the swinging life style. He wants to maintain the hierarchy of primary vs secondary but I want to try to eliminate that and bring us all together.

I hope I am making some sense my thoughts are a bit jumbled. ...
 
Hello...I'm the boyfriend in the mix. We talked about this and something clicked for both of us. I hope we can find some advice on how to bring this up and move forward.
 
Greetings Droidprincess (and Maccadam),
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

It sounds like you've hit some areas of disagreement with your fiancé. I hope you can find a way to explain to him that you want a nonhierarchical model of poly. Are you hoping the three of you will eventually share a home?

I'm glad you could join us.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

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Welcome aboard!
 
I wouldn't say there are areas of disagreement....I haven't actually come out and stated my feelings yet. We started out just as an open relationship, both of us looking to have random hook ups...more of a "play when away" arrangement. Things changed for me when I became closer to Maccadam. Now I am content with only having the two and I think my fiance is still at the random hook up stage. We have discussed my feelings of only wanting the two and he gets that but wants to have the hierarchy and I feel that it is not needed......It is so complicated....
 
Okay, it sounds like you have discussed some things with him but maybe not the issue about hierarchy. Are you wondering how to bring it up, or maybe just waiting for the right time to talk with him about it?
 
both. I know any time is a good time to bring it up but how do I do it. I also need to focus on dealing with my own feelings and not trying to handle and deal with his for him. I have a real bad habit of trying to make everything ok for him instead of just stating my own feelings and intentions and then letting him handle his own.
 
Perhaps, "Honey, I have gotten closer to Maccadam, and I want to think of both of you as primary partners. Is that something you'd consider?"

The thing about hierarchies is that some people feel they need them in order to feel secure about their primary relationship. Like if they're not the "top dog" so to say, they're in danger of losing you. You're right that your fiancé has to deal with his own feelings, but you should brace yourself for that kind of a reaction from him.

Sorry I don't have any easier answers for you at the moment ...
 
We have had that conversation, it went very well. He understands that I don't want anyone other than the two of them.
I think he does need the hierarchy to feel confident that I am not going anywhere since this is so new to both of us. I am just hoping that it can eventually go away.
 
Will you have any more conversations with him about it do you think?
 
oh yes there are more conversations to come for sure....I am just wanting to take time and have them when the time is right. I don't want to rush anything.
 
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