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Old 01-08-2013, 10:25 PM
Paulyamoros Paulyamoros is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Sacramento, CA
Posts: 1
Default Hello from Sunny CA!!

When I was a teenager, I was in love with a girl who lived far away from me. All I wanted out of life was to some day marry this girl. My whole life revolved around waiting for my family to visit her family again so I could see her.

To make a long story short, I never got past being friends with her, never kissed her, and never proffessed my love to her, and distance eventually took it's toll. Since I was saving myself for her, I graduated high school without any dating experience or any other kind of sexual intimacy. I met my current wife at my job, and she asked me out. We had a lot in common and were good friends. Having never had a girlfriend before and being almost 20, I jumped at the chance to be in a relatioship and get the stigma off my back. In the back of my mind though, I still hoped to someday marry my long distance dream girl.

I quickly found myself in a situation where I was very close to my girlfriend and found an immense amount of love, intimacy, friendship, and comfort, but never had that spark. I was too scared to leave the relationship and lose this great person in my life, and I was also very afraid of hurting her and breaking her heart. I was ALSO afraid of living the rest of my life never getting to experience that "spark." Bottom line, I felt kind of trapped.

Fast forward 20 years.... I am now in my late 30s, married to that first girlfriend, and still feeling the same kind of anxieties of not ever being able to feel that spark. I have always felt that the traditional concept of marriage was archaic and went against human nature and modern psychology, but I have been too afraid to talk about those feelings at risk of being labeled as selfish, perverted, sinful, etc.

After seeing a therapist for the first time, and also doing a lot of research on monogomy alternatives, I am beggining to have my beliefs and feelings validated and I no longer feel alone or isolated for how I feel. I am even beggining to open up to my wife about my feelings and beliefs.

I don't have any answers yet of where to go from here, but that fact that I feel like there are options, makes me feel like an enormous weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

I finally feel like there are options other than (divorce, cheating, and leaving things as they are) which all sound like very bad options.
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Old 01-09-2013, 01:02 AM
ThatGirlInGray ThatGirlInGray is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Northern Cali
Posts: 552

*waves* Hello Neighbor!

Sunny, yes, but COLD! I want my mid-60's temperatures back! (Yes, I know, I'm a wimp and would never survive winters in other parts of the country.)

Good luck as you move forward with the new information you're getting. My husband and I also got together at 19/20, I was also his first girlfriend, but luckily for us we were able to start talking about the possibilities of non-monogamy from the very beginning of our relationship.

So welcome, and feel free to PM me if you want!
Pan Female, Hinge in a V between my mono (straight) husband, Monochrome and my poly (pan) partner, ThatGuyInBlack
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Old 01-09-2013, 11:41 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
Official Greeter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Yelm, Washington
Posts: 17,606

Hello Paulyamoros,
Welcome to our forum.

I'm sure learning about polyamory has helped untie some of the knots in your mind. There are many options, and many possibilities.

I lost someone way back in junior high. They moved to a faraway city, definitely not in my school district. So I relate with you about that.

I hope you'll find Polyamory.com to be a helpful resource, read many threads, and post any thoughts or questions of your own.

Kevin T.
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
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Old 01-13-2013, 07:47 AM
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NovemberRain NovemberRain is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 712

Originally Posted by Paulyamoros View Post
I have always felt that the traditional concept of marriage was archaic and went against human nature and modern psychology, but I have been too afraid to talk about those feelings at risk of being labeled as selfish, perverted, sinful, etc.
Hi Paulyamoros, welcome.

I feel sad to read this, and wanted to share why. My father has felt this way most of his life, I don't think he had words for it when he was very young; but he's in his 70s now, and I think he still feels the same way. Even though he's had two marriages, the first to my mother, and the second over 35 years now. He talks about it to me, but I get the feeling he hasn't had very many places in his life to talk about it. And when he has talked about it, he has been labeled those things and more.

I was a child in the 60s. I saw Hair, live on stage when I was very young (maybe single digits). Stranger In A Strange Land was almost a bible in my house.

I feel sad that there has been so little change in 'society' that folks still can't talk about whatever they need to talk about.

I'm encouraged by places like this forum. I have to believe that change occurs one individual at a time, and more children can speak their thoughts now than could in my day, even if not all of them can.

I'm glad you're beginning to feel validated, and glad that you're beginning to open to your wife.

again, welcome.
Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own...
Robert A. Heinlein

Me: female, bi, (formerly hinge of a vee)
with FirstBoyFriend (FBF)(moderately long-distance)
and no longer with CurrentBoyFriend (CBF)(who now lives in a house far away-with stairs I can't climb)
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