can a poly love a mono?

I'm going to settle this once and for all, so pay attention because I'm not repeating myself:

People who are "wired mono" CANNOT and DO NOT feel the "in love" feeling for more than one person at a time.

People who are simply "conditioned mono" CAN feel (but not necessarily DO FEEL) the "in love" feeling for more than one person at a time but for whatever reason(s), they refrain from ACTING on the feeling.

How anyone can read and understand English and fail to grasp these two concepts as explained above is lost on me.

That is all.
 
Why the need for scientific proof of human nature things anyway? What are you really looking for?

Of course it doesn't change my life and behaviour, with or without scientific proof. But it can help me understand. That might answer your question. I am trying to understand something very new for me.

Thanks for the insights.
 
I'm sure it's possible for a poly to love and be in a relationship with a mono, but it would take a lot more work than if both were poly. The mono partner would have to be okay with you being involved with others. If you are going to try to make it work, stay honest and open.

The first mono I was in love with, I got into a relationship with them when I was a bit younger and convinced myself I could be happy in a strictly monogamous relationship. I've been keeping a lot of feelings to myself, and now, here I am almost ten years later at the end of this same relationship. If I had stayed true to my beliefs at the beginning, I wouldn't be about to lose someone I really do love. Don't try to change for someone. It will only end up hurting both of you.
 
The mono partner would have to be okay with you being involved with others.

This comes down to some dynamics being more possible than others. Not all poly relationships are continually open, hence the term poly-fidelitous. A mono such as myself is comfortable in this type of dynamic.

The poly person would also have to be prepared to not follow every relationship "whim" they may feel, and weigh the options of what the people in their life offer.

It's a two-way street, with challenges for everyone involved.
 
Good point. But even if a relationship weren't continually open, it seems like many monos would have a hard time dealing with their partner being with even one other. You seem to be very comfortable with yourself and your relationship, from what I've read, but some people, such as my current partner, would absolutely never go for it. I guess it depends on the person really, and how open they are to others' beliefs.
 
You seem to be very comfortable with yourself and your relationship, from what I've read. But some people, such as my current partner, would absolutely never go for it. I guess it depends on the person really, and how open they are to others' beliefs.

I get that, Secondchance. You're absolutely right! I sometimes forget that it was a very specific thing I came into. Basically, the stars seemed to have aligned for this mono/poly union of mine to have developed. :)

Take care, and definitely stay true to yourself.
 
I really just wanted to second the "Stay true to yourself" comment, mainly because it's something that's been stuck in my head for the last few days.

When my husband brought up the idea of an open relationship a few years ago, I liked the idea. He and I had been swingers for a few years, and decided that that wasn't what we wanted from life. He then met a wonderful couple. He started dating the female member of the couple. After I met her hubby, I started seeing him. Hence, we had a working quad going on.

It was hard at first, but after a lot of communication and openness, we worked through it. I now definitely identify strongly as poly.

Here is my point: I'm dating a guy now who identifies as mono. He wants me for himself. He's admitted it. But he knows that this could never be the best thing for me, even if I weren't married. I simply do not know how to love only one person. He finds this hard, but is coming to terms with it.

There have been fleeting moments where I wished with all my heart that I could be that for him. But I must remember to stay true to who I am and know that this is part of me.

Our relationship is still very new. We have decided that even though a mono loving a poly and vice versa is hard, at the end of the day, I love him and he loves me, and that's what matters to us.
 
Yes, a poly can love a mono and a mono can love a poly. The real issue is: Can the mono ever fully accept the poly's relationship style?

Poly is hard enough between all poly people, but adding someone with a monogamist mindset can be downright difficult, if not impossible sometimes, mainly because many times a mono person will want the poly to be mono and they either consciously or unconsciously try to turn the poly person to mono with them. They can't help it. It's how they are hardwired.

Some monos will think, in the back of their minds, that a poly will change once they get in a relationship with them, or that they can change a poly to mono. And in turn, a poly may think that the mono person will become poly for them, once they are in a relationship.

Then there is jealousy. Jealousy exists in polys who are open-relationship-minded, and exists to the umpteenth degree amongst many monogamist-minded individuals. Expect that they will be jealous of your other partner(s).

So yes, it is possible, but in my experience it will require more work and more patience than simply sticking to poly-minded people to have a poly relationship with. So be prepared if you pursue a mono person to be in a relationship with.
 
I haven't read the replies yet. I am deeply in love with my mono husband. I would not sacrifice that relationship for anything. He loves me enough to allow me to pursue my poly nature. I will not say that it's easy, but it takes a special mono person to deal with polyamory.

You are already living the poly life, so meeting a monogamous person who will accept that off the bat might not be the easiest thing in the world, but they do exist and have their own special challenges.

When you're in love with someone, their "orientation" shouldn't matter, but we all know from experience of some kind that it can be an issue. I didn't realize I was poly until well into this mono marriage. You're starting out knowing and having to be honest with that to whomever it is that you decide to be with. You might find that your person of interest may reject you at first, the idea being "repulsive," but given some time and space to think, there are certainly some monogamous people out there who can accept this.

We're still working out the kinks. But love is a precious gift and worth every effort, whether you find poly or mono partners.
 
Some monos will think, in the back of their minds, that a poly will change once they get in a relationship with them, or that they can change a poly to mono. And in turn, a poly may think that the mono person will become poly for them once they are in a relationship.

Very good point, LS. I'm sure this does occur often in these situations. It's about achieving objectives, in my opinion. The mono person may see the objective to "convert" the poly person so they will have them all to themselves. The poly person may want to gain more freedom in pursuing other relationships by encouraging the mono to pursue polyamory, thus "converting" them.

I wouldn't want Redpepper to be mono because it would hurt her husband and family dynamic. I don't believe she would want me to be poly because it would take away some of the attributes she enjoys in our relationship.

Approaching a relationship with the expectation of shaping your partner in any way (not just related to mono/poly) is the wrong footing, IMO.
 
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The poly person would also have to be prepared to not follow every relationship "whim" they may feel, and weigh the options of what people in their life offer.

Most poly people I know practice this in their relationships, regardless of whether they're partnering with poly people or mono people.
 
Most poly people I know practice this in their relationships, regardless of whether they're partnering with poly people or mono people.

The use of the term "whim" was probably a little lighthearted. Although I do see this generally in the less long-term, less "building a lasting family dynamic" application of poly, it is not the norm in mature relationships, for sure.
 
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