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Old 04-17-2018, 01:16 AM
DonnieLD DonnieLD is offline
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Default New and Reaching Out for Advice, Guidance, and whatever helps...

So, me...well, I was raised in a very christian household, although it was split and reformed anew at one point. But I've always been a curious person, always seeking...I don't know, enlightenment, the truth, and whatever else to that effect? Anyway, I've always had an inkling I was bi-sexual but I have never explored that in-depth mainly due to my family pressures, etc... I did marry a great girl, although I began having issues with feeling less important as a partner and more of a pay-check. Long story short, we did have a son together, who I love dearly, and we have also since then, split, more because I knew I needed to figure out how to get my mind to a better place so I could be there for my son. At the same time I found this amazing woman who I have since married and although we are separated by an ocean, we are so connected in every way that it hurts everyday I wake up and every night I lay down without her next to me.

So why am I on here? Well my beliefs began changing after I earned a degree in religion, odd I know. I began questioning the world around me more, asking why, and why not a lot. I've currently landed on a principle that I try to hold onto in my spiritual life and while I wish I could devote more time for study and contemplation, work and family demand so much more. Regardless, I have come to believe in the essence of love, and how it is an infinite gift within us if we accept it for what it is meant. For me this has opened up a very large universe of possibilities, and conundrums.

My current relationship is with a very single relationship minded individual. I cannot give her a child, mainly for lack of the ability to fund and still support my son and a roof over our heads. Joking around she mentioned just going and sleeping with random guys while I'm gone, which I know she would never do, but then I began thinking that while I wouldn't feel comfortable with that, I would have no real problem adding a third partner to our family. I've mentioned it on several occasions, and explained, in-depth, just exactly why I would have no problem with someone in our lives who she loved as she does me, and who I might end up loving depending on the person.

Anyway, I don't think I'm really here for advice on how to get my wife to accept me setting her up with dates to find a second husband. I'm here more for support to just be able to vent, chat, talk, listen, or whatever just in a community who might understand my issues.

Other than that, I'm just a normal guy, doing some fun things in life, and some boring things in life...but aren't we all, lol.
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Old 04-17-2018, 01:09 PM
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Al99 Al99 is online now
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Hi DonnieLD - and welcome to the Forum! Please feel free to share any thoughts or questions with us - we have lots of experienced poly folks here who are generally friendly and helpful. The Poly Relationships Corner and General Poly Discussion sections are quite active. You might also enjoy browsing through the Spirituality & Polyamory section as well - and feel free to contribute there as well - especially given your background. I was also raised in a very conservative Christian environment (Fundamentalist Evangelical in my case). I managed to recover from that early on but have continued to have an interest in spirituality (theology, metaphysics, philosophy, comparative, etc) and have written some about it in that section. Best of luck on your journey! Al
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Old 04-17-2018, 06:35 PM
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Greetings DonnieLD,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

Thanks for sharing your story, it sounds like you have had quite a journey in becoming poly-minded. You should be able to find the support here that you're looking for, most of the folks here are understanding and like-minded. Just have a look around and see what calls to you; don't hesitate to posts your thoughts, questions, and concerns as they arise. I'm glad you could join us.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

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Old 04-17-2018, 11:32 PM
DonnieLD DonnieLD is offline
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Appreciate the welcomes and I'll definitely be looking around and I'm sure you'll see my questions, comments, and possibly contributions pop up from time to time.
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Old 04-18-2018, 09:05 PM
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Sounds good.
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Old 04-18-2018, 10:21 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DonnieLD View Post
... I found this amazing woman who I have since married and although we are separated by an ocean, we are so connected in every way that it hurts everyday I wake up and every night I lay down without her next to me.
Why can't you be together? Is it temporary? Did you marry knowing you'd be living apart?

Quote:
So why am I on here? Well my beliefs began changing after I earned a degree in religion, odd I know. I began questioning the world around me more, asking why, and why not a lot. I've currently landed on a principle that I try to hold onto in my spiritual life and while I wish I could devote more time for study and contemplation, work and family demand so much more. Regardless, I have come to believe in the essence of love, and how it is an infinite gift within us if we accept it for what it is meant. For me this has opened up a very large universe of possibilities, and conundrums.
I'm also very into the study of religions. Like Al99, you'll find my posts on religion (mainly geared to how the Abrahamic religions have kept women down, limiting their power and sexual expression) in our Spirituality forum.

Quote:
My current relationship is with a very single relationship minded individual. I cannot give her a child, mainly for lack of the ability to fund and still support my son and a roof over our heads. Joking around she mentioned just going and sleeping with random guys while I'm gone, which I know she would never do, but then I began thinking that while I wouldn't feel comfortable with that, I would have no real problem adding a third partner to our family. I've mentioned it on several occasions, and explained, in-depth, just exactly why I would have no problem with someone in our lives who she loved as she does me, and who I might end up loving depending on the person.

Anyway, I don't think I'm really here for advice on how to get my wife to accept me setting her up with dates to find a second husband. I'm here more for support to just be able to vent, chat, talk, listen, or whatever just in a community who might understand my issues.

Other than that, I'm just a normal guy, doing some fun things in life, and some boring things in life...but aren't we all, lol.
So you feel you can't "give" your wife a child, but you'd be OK with the right man "giving" her one, as long as he could provide financially for it? Is that the main motivation for your openness right now? Or do you plan to move to be with your wife in the foreseeable future, and think you'd enjoy living together with wife and her hypothetical other significant other in a MFM V? It's funny you have this situation, since more often new posters here feel poly feelings themselves and wonder how to tell their partner with whom they've been mono, that they want to Open the relationship. You want to convince a mono wife to become poly to provide her companionship (while you're gone) and a child (that you can't afford)?

Or do you also wonder what it would be like to have another partner in your current location, when you are suffering in your empty bed?
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

Mags (poly, F, 62), dating... again!
Pixi (poly, F, 40) my darling nesting partner since January 2009
Master, (mono, M, 36), Pixi's Dom/bf since April 2013
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Old 04-18-2018, 11:07 PM
DonnieLD DonnieLD is offline
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Mags, all great questions and I probably should have expounded on a few things. We live apart only because I was stationed overseas when we met and when I retired from the services it pulled me back to the states and so although we are married, until I can find a job back over there, or one here where I'm not gone 9 months out of the year we will certainly be back together.

As for the child debate. I don't feel so much as I currently cannot have children. I do have a son from my previous marriage and while I'm not the type to go and have a large family, I do know that a child is something my current wife would like. As for affording one, I'm fine with the normal day to day costs of a child, it's the cost of anything I would have to do in order to be able to have a remote chance of having one with her. My feelings of openness I don't think stemmed from that specifically, but it applied my feelings to my present relationship. As for her, while I would welcome a new partner into our family under the right circumstances, I would never force her to try and change her views. She is Dutch so she has a fairly open, yet rigid mind, and while she is set in her thinking I have asked her to at least be open to a relationship if one should happen by chance...that is how her and I came to be after all and I would hate her to miss out on the love of two caring hearts.

As for my current location, I'm on the road plenty and I simply want to be happy with my family. I'm used to being away on trips and work, I look forward to coming home and the love and welcome that comes from having one so close waiting for me.

Don't know if I explained any of that any more but feel free to pick away at anything I say. I only grow from constructive questions, observations, and criticism.

--D
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Old 04-19-2018, 12:46 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Thanks for explaining, Donnie. As for "welcoming a new partner into our family," you may find if you look around here, it's not that simple. This concept of "adding a third" isn't really respectful to a new partner. They aren't a mere addition to Your family... They are an autonomous person, with rights of their own. Many poly people do not live with more than one partner. Having roommates as an adult is not the easiest thing.

However, MFM Vs do seem to be the most successful (whether cohabiting or not), as women seem to make the best hinges.

But I don't see any indication your wife is at all interested.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

Mags (poly, F, 62), dating... again!
Pixi (poly, F, 40) my darling nesting partner since January 2009
Master, (mono, M, 36), Pixi's Dom/bf since April 2013
Kahlo (my ex, 46)
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Old 04-19-2018, 01:49 PM
DonnieLD DonnieLD is offline
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I will say that any addition to our family would have to be very special and I mean addition in the same sense as she was added into my life and I am so much the better off for it.

If she isn't open to it then honestly I'm fine with and respect her decision. I simply wanted her to know my view on life because I don't want to be one that holds her back in any way. She respects we have different views and has accepted that there might be a minuscule chance of something. But I have left it at that. The last thing I want is to push her away.

I'm here basically to be able to share my life views, get advice, and just not be so closed off when I can't just sit at home with the ones I care for.

--D
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Old 04-19-2018, 05:59 PM
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Quote:
However, MFM Vs do seem to be the most successful (whether cohabiting or not), as women seem to make the best hinges.
And men seem to share better.

There actually was an in depth discussion of this very issue just in the 15 months or so that I've been here, and that was the consensus - MFM V's seem to be more stable, with the reasons being as above - women generally do a better job managing multiple relationships and men seem to be able to share partners more easily.

True in my case - both my wife and my girlfriend to a great job managing multiple partners, and it does seem I have an easier time sharing than my wife does (although she is steadily becoming more adjusted to the idea.) My girlfriend Betty, on the other hand, seems to have very little problem with sharing her partners. Al
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Dramatis Personae:
Me: Al99, poly, heterosexual male, 50's
Becky: married to Al99, poly, heterosexual female, late 30's
Bouncingbetty: ldr girlfriend to Al99, poly, pansexual female, early 30's
Ben: Becky's medium-ldr bf, heterosexual male, 40's
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My Introductory Post - An Unexpected Introduction to Poly.
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