Stuff is coming out of the woodwork

KerrBear

New member
Okay, so there is a new issue. Apparently, boyfriend has not been entirely honest with his LDR gf. He had told her about me and I was under the impression that she was open to him having a sexual, loving relationship with me. Apparently, this is not true. She does know about me but she is not okay at all with him being with other people.

So my bf is very, very upset cause I figured this out and called him on it. It is not fair at all to his LDR gf that he's doing this to her.

He wants marriage and kids, I can't give him those things. He wants her but he doesn't want to lose me, either. He's so torn and upset and I don't really know what to do anymore. I am willing to step away, even though it hurts like a mother fucker and I'm gonna be pretty depressed for awhile.

I know we can't be "just friends". We can't keep our hands to ourselves when we're with each other and the surge of happiness when we see each other is so intense. It would be better if I never saw him again.

So he's really, really depressed. She's sick to her stomach and upset even though she's getting what she wanted. And I'm just feeling numb cause I don't want to feel the pain and I'm gearing myself up to walking away cause I'm going to have to. . .

Guess there is no question, just posting it cause I gotta tell somebody... :(
 
We are all free to choose. We are not free of the consequences of our choices.

Good for you holding to your ethics and choosing to leave him! He was/is a cheating liar to both you and his LDR GF. VERY Bad form. Ugh! :mad:

I am sorry both you and her now have to deal with healing from his shenanigans. You both deserve better treatment than lies. :(

Do what you have to do for your self care in this hard time. Hang in there.

Galagirl
 
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I called out BFF about two weeks ago now..

When confronted with the reality of the situation (something he was fine with just letting it happen without talk!) he practically ran screaming from the room. Couldn't fess up to his feelings, but I did. I'm proud of that.

I don't regret being painfully honest with my husband- helping him understand how much BFF meant to me and that we had to be on the same page (all 3 of us) to proceed any further.

When we talked to BFF he chose to run from the situation; same sorta thing, he wants to really 'be with' someone, so he went back to his toxic girlfriend.

Sweet.

Now I remember why I don't let myself fall in love.

But it's true; I was never going to be there 100% of the time and a lot of the relationship was going to be the 3 of us.

So I hear ya, sister. I don't regret doing the 'right' thing but it does force choices for everyone and that can be sad. :(
 
I called out BFF about two weeks ago now..

When confronted with the reality of the situation (something he was fine with just letting it happen without talk!) he practically ran screaming from the room. Couldn't fess up to his feelings, but I did. I'm proud of that.

I don't regret being painfully honest with my husband- helping him understand how much BFF meant to me and that we had to be on the same page (all 3 of us) to proceed any further.

When we talked to BFF he chose to run from the situation; same sorta thing, he wants to really 'be with' someone, so he went back to his toxic girlfriend.

Sweet.

Now I remember why I don't let myself fall in love.

But it's true; I was never going to be there 100% of the time and a lot of the relationship was going to be the 3 of us.

So I hear ya, sister. I don't regret doing the 'right' thing but it does force choices for everyone and that can be sad. :(

Yeah. I hate this. Wish I could turn your heart off forever.

I don't regret it either. I'm happy it happened now and not years from now. Although, I'm pretty sure this LDR isn't going to work out in the end. It's been four years of LDR with her and nothing has come of it but chatting, which is why he's seeking a gf around here. His other gf thinks he's just a cheater, which I suppose he certainly is being just that.

So, I'll leave them to their own demise.
 
LOL... I cant wait to get my ass jumped for what i'm about to say....

Remember as you read this, that I can't think of anyone on this forum that i dont like and I'm not attacking people... I'm attacking recklessly tossed words...


It infuriates me to no end when i hear people say things to the effect of not wanting to have ever loved or to love again... to me, those thoughts are a bunch of short-sighted, careful what you wish for, hypocritical, spoiled, take everything for granted, unfeeling (by definition), useless load of bullshit...

Love hurts. Polyamory = many loves = many hurts... Mother Fucker!! the math is right there...
Hurt is going to happen. Balance. Yin and Yang.

who the fuck ever heard of someone on there deathbed saying "oh poor me, i wish i had loved less...."

Give me a fucking break...

that being said... I know it hurts. I'm even sorry it hurts... We heal, we learn. we love again... I wouldn't ever wish that away out loud. It's just too precious to be so irresponsible about.

Big feelings and the capacity for many are just that. Welcome to the world. ;)
 
But we are all on our own journey of discovery, and sometimes that journey requires us to travel along unpleasant byways and dangerous detours before we reach our destination.

Maybe i believe that, maybe i don't. You decide. But it sure looks good on paper, doesn't it! How do i look in this new lyrical style? Does it make me look fat? How about short?
 
But we are all on our own journey of discovery, and sometimes that journey requires us to travel along unpleasant byways and dangerous detours before we reach our destination.

Maybe i believe that, maybe i don't. You decide. But it sure looks good on paper, doesn't it! How do i look in this new lyrical style? Does it make me look fat? How about short?


Ooooh, are we doing themes? I choose iambic pentameter next!



I do agree though, it's actually kind of juvenile, to me anyway, to say things like "I wish I never loved again!" Or "I wish I could close off my heart!" I say juvenile because that's where I see it. Teenagers, I still roll my eyes at my own kids for that kind of thing. DH has said that one of the things he doesn't like is seeing me hurt. He especially hates it when it's over someone he feels, 'doesn't deserve' me. Those not willing to put in even an ounce of work for a relationship. He can hate it, and he does, but he also knows that I'm just not the type to close my heart. Kind of goes along with the living poly thing.

Say you wish it didn't hurt, we all wish it didn't. For ourselves and for you, but the truth is, if you regret ever having the relationship, you probably shouldn't have been in it in the first place.
 
My heart, my emotions. If I'm hurt and hating it, those emotions are my own. If I wish I would have never had to deal with it, than that's also my own. Opinions are like assholes, everyone has got one. I am healing in my own way. Today is my really pissed the fuck off day. So yes, I'm hating what's happened, can't really blame me for that. I hate having to deal with it cause I hate myself for letting it happen to me. I hate that it ended but happy that it did all at the same time. Emotions are not juvenile, how you handle them marks your maturity. I did the right thing but I am venting and bitter at the moment. This too shall pass.
 
In no way am I saying you shouldn't have or shouldn't have the right to emotions. I'm saying be careful about closing one side of them off (pain) because the very costly equal and opposite side (love) ends up getting squelched in the process.
 
Ugh, how totally crummy of him. I'm really sorry, KB. :( You're doing the right thing. If he'll cheat on her, he'll cheat on you.
 
All in all, it makes for a great story. . .

Well, I had a rough day and morning. I felt everything from numbness, to disbelief, to resentment, to intense jealousy, back to resentment. Now I'm more happy and settled. I still smile when I think about the fun we had but I get real intense bangs of sadness after the wave of happiness. . .

I'm lucky I haven't felt too much self hatred. I'm really happy that I haven't had to deal with that. Apparently, Beaner is going through it though.

His job is really stressing him out. My husband is quiting for a better job in a few weeks and things are really starting to pick up at their work so he's got a lot on his shoulder, including this. He told me twice that he couldn't think straight and that's probably why there was a lot of hurtful things said. . .

In the end, he wants to be with the other girl cause she can give him what I can't. He still very much wants to be my friend but with no "sex". I'm still not sure how to manage that. I realize we shouldn't see each other until everything is healed up. We are both very much hurting.

So I guess I'm wondering how do you be friends with someone who just Tuesday you made love to and you still have the love marks on your neck to prove it. . . Just friends, no more holding hands. No more kissing. No more making love. How do you do it? Or does this mean just distance? I feel like I can never hang out with him again. . .
 
So I guess I'm wondering how do you be friends with someone who just Tuesday you made love to and you still have the love marks on your neck to prove it. . . Just friends, no more holding hands. No more kissing. No more making love. How do you do it? Or does this mean just distance? I feel like I can never hang out with him again. . .

Since you asked, "I" don't. Some people can, I'm not really sure how they do it. But for me, people fill specific roles in my life. The qualities I look for in a friend are different from the qualities I look for in a partner. Most of the time, my partners wouldn't make good friends for me if they didn't have that other "something" that makes me romantically attracted to them.

Other people meet everyone as a friend first, and maybe they "take it to another level" and add romance on top of the friendship. In that case, you just reverse the process to remove the romance. But if you never had a "just friends" relationship then there probably isn't much basis for one now.
 
Hi KB,

I am sorry you are feeling so bad. While I am firmly in NutbusterX's camp when it comes to balls-to-the-wall emotional exposure (I'll take big love and big pain every time, over the alternative), my understanding of how much it hurts when it ends is pretty fresh. My own BF and I split up on Wednesday; I was the secondary, he was the hinge. His primary, who I'd never met, had complete control over the terms (or so he says... I never met her).

I HATED the terms of the relationship (sex only; we were not allowed to spend any "social" time together, we never once went to each other's home, or out for dinner, or anywhere but bed, in a seven-month relationship), but I liked the boy. He was bright and intense, and he had beautiful chocolate-brown eyes, and the chemistry was incredible. But I just couldn't accept being forced into that restrictive role. I deserved to be cared about.

But when I made up my mind I was leaving, I also knew I didn't want to hear any of the bullsh*t he was going to say ("well, you agreed to this"; "you KNEW I was married"; "women are so emotional"... blah blah). I knew if he said one word of it, I was going to hate him for it, and what's the point of that? And maybe I would say something mean about HIM, and he doesn't need that either.

So I picked a day that we already had a (brief) date planned, and just sent him a message that "tonight will be the last one". I knew he would be too timid to initiate any conversation about the breakup at all. I carried on with the date the way I always had (I tend to be a bit dominant, sexually. Not big "D" dominant, just dominant). Apart from a couple of quiet tears I only partly fought back during one of the rounds, it was the same really good, great-chemistry sex we've always had. And then when it was done I just walked away. No talking about it. He knew why the relationship was not satisfactory to me; there was no need to make that point. And there's no chance he'll try to engage me via email to talk about it, either; he's not courageous enough to try to negotiate new terms for me with his wife. So that's that.

But that kind of ending, where the ending is not caused by a waning of affection for each other but because of some outside consideration, is like ripping a band-aid off your heart. So I feel your pain, KB. But don't you give up on love.

Leelee
 
Hi KB,

I am sorry you are feeling so bad. While I am firmly in NutbusterX's camp when it comes to balls-to-the-wall emotional exposure (I'll take big love and big pain every time, over the alternative), my understanding of how much it hurts when it ends is pretty fresh. My own BF and I split up on Wednesday; I was the secondary, he was the hinge. His primary, who I'd never met, had complete control over the terms (or so he says... I never met her).

I HATED the terms of the relationship (sex only; we were not allowed to spend any "social" time together, we never once went to each other's home, or out for dinner, or anywhere but bed, in a seven-month relationship), but I liked the boy. He was bright and intense, and he had beautiful chocolate-brown eyes, and the chemistry was incredible. But I just couldn't accept being forced into that restrictive role. I deserved to be cared about.

But when I made up my mind I was leaving, I also knew I didn't want to hear any of the bullsh*t he was going to say ("well, you agreed to this"; "you KNEW I was married"; "women are so emotional"... blah blah). I knew if he said one word of it, I was going to hate him for it, and what's the point of that? And maybe I would say something mean about HIM, and he doesn't need that either.

So I picked a day that we already had a (brief) date planned, and just sent him a message that "tonight will be the last one". I knew he would be too timid to initiate any conversation about the breakup at all. I carried on with the date the way I always had (I tend to be a bit dominant, sexually. Not big "D" dominant, just dominant). Apart from a couple of quiet tears I only partly fought back during one of the rounds, it was the same really good, great-chemistry sex we've always had. And then when it was done I just walked away. No talking about it. He knew why the relationship was not satisfactory to me; there was no need to make that point. And there's no chance he'll try to engage me via email to talk about it, either; he's not courageous enough to try to negotiate new terms for me with his wife. So that's that.

But that kind of ending, where the ending is not caused by a waning of affection for each other but because of some outside consideration, is like ripping a band-aid off your heart. So I feel your pain, KB. But don't you give up on love.

Leelee

Nutbusterx's favortie saying... "rip off the band-aid"

Do it (whatever IT may be), get it over with, yes it hurts, but then the healing can start...
 
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