Is open for me ?

Ardeen19

New member
This is going to be really long and i truly Appreciate anybody who takes time i their day to read and respond.

I’ll keep this as short as i can tho. Me and my wife been married two years been together for 6. First year maybe 2 sex wasn’t bad but wasn’t mind blowing. Since about 2015 sex gets better and better and better. I asked her about being open with other females she agreed. And we talked about it but for sum odd reason i asked her to be open with me i want to see her get fucked by somebody with a long and large Penis previously to me asking us to be open i would have killed my self for having such a thought . I thought long and hard of why i want this and i came up with . Before me and her even physically met just at our texting stage she told me she likes big penis . I consider myself small she don’t. She raves about my sex and other females have in the past but i don’t like my size so it means nothing to me. I kinda think if i let her have sex with a big penis she will never cheat. She tells me she would never marry somebody and have 2 kids if she wasn’t 100% satisfied with their sex . I’ve snuck and went thru her phone she tells her Bestfriend how good my sex is but I’m so insecure about my size i just can’t believe it. Also seeing her get turn on REALLY does something to me . Like really gets me off so if she like big penis i want to see her have one and how turned on she is because it will turn me on.


We having been running into problems because i get cold feet when it’s time to do it. She don’t like causal sex so she can’t Go out fuck a random guy She says it takes a lot mentally for her to build herself up to have sex with another man for my pleasure and once see does i get cold feet and pull out . She always lets pick guys or sends one and see if i approve but i always get scared .
What if he fucks her so good she won’t want to have sex with me and more . What if the sex is so good she wants to run off with him. These things are unlikely but it’s scary. She reminds me that men was my idea she never mentioned it and she doing it to please me so i have no worries . She said if the sex is really good and she thinks it may get her attached she will shut it down because sex isn’t more important there love family and marriage. I’m still scared i can stop this before it starts should i ?
 
Yes, you should shut this down. It doesn’t sound like a good situation for either of you. She doesn’t seem all that into it and you sound like it turns you on but you are not emotionally prepared for it.

If she were asking for it, I would recommend that you analyze your feelings and work on them. (And maybe it is a good idea for you to still do that, but...) Given that she is only doing it for your pleasure and you are not fully comfortable with it, it seems like a no-brainer that you shouldn’t do things her don’t bring either of you joy or security.
 
Yes, you should shut this down. It doesn’t sound like a good situation for either of you. She doesn’t seem all that into it and you sound like it turns you on but you are not emotionally prepared for it.

If she were asking for it, I would recommend that you analyze your feelings and work on them. (And maybe it is a good idea for you to still do that, but...) Given that she is only doing it for your pleasure and you are not fully comfortable with it, it seems like a no-brainer that you shouldn’t do things her don’t bring either of you joy or security.

There is the perfect response, and I will expound on it. Your desire to see her with another man is a common male fantasy but only a small percentage of men do not get “cold feet” like you.
And from your description, she is exactly the opposite of the correct aspect regarding sex to do that lifestyle. Your fears are exactly what and why most men never pursue this past the discussion stage.

You might want to investigate what is called “hot wifing” rather than a polyamory site. Go to Our Hot Wives.org and you will see there are many men who sexually like this idea but whose fear is identical to yours. And once your wife gets deeply emotionally involved with someone rather than fucking guys only a few times you will have yourself a major headache and heartache.

Once your wife does this, even if the initial intention is to please you, once she develops feelings you will find it very difficult to put the veto option in and stop the activity. And in a poly forum, you most likely will get told you have no right to ask her to stop since it was your idea.

If I were you I would take Ms. Emotionals advice and do exactly as it says.
 
There is the perfect response, and I will expound on it. Your desire to see her with another man is a common male fantasy but only a small percentage of men do not get “cold feet” like you.
And from your description, she is exactly the opposite of the correct aspect regarding sex to do that lifestyle. Your fears are exactly what and why most men never pursue this past the discussion stage.

You might want to investigate what is called “hot wifing” rather than a polyamory site. Go to Our Hot Wives.org and you will see there are many men who sexually like this idea but whose fear is identical to yours. And once your wife gets deeply emotionally involved with someone rather than fucking guys only a few times you will have yourself a major headache and heartache.

Once your wife does this, even if the initial intention is to please you, once she develops feelings you will find it very difficult to put the veto option in and stop the activity. And in a poly forum, you most likely will get told you have no right to ask her to stop since it was your idea.

If I were you I would take Ms. Emotionals advice and do exactly as it says.

That’s what’s so scary if she gets anything out of it other than sexually pleasure and Develops a emotional attachment to another man i know that would be the end of our marriage she said if she sensed anything like that happening she will shut it down but it happens it would be over
 
Yes, you should shut this down. It doesn’t sound like a good situation for either of you. She doesn’t seem all that into it and you sound like it turns you on but you are not emotionally prepared for it.

If she were asking for it, I would recommend that you analyze your feelings and work on them. (And maybe it is a good idea for you to still do that, but...) Given that she is only doing it for your pleasure and you are not fully comfortable with it, it seems like a no-brainer that you shouldn’t do things her don’t bring either of you joy or security.


Ok I’m just going to shut it down me and her are arguing about it now she found a guy and she’s suppose to hang out with him tomorrow but we don’t agree on the boundaries I’m going to shut it down
 
There is the perfect response, and I will expound on it. Your desire to see her with another man is a common male fantasy but only a small percentage of men do not get “cold feet” like you.
And from your description, she is exactly the opposite of the correct aspect regarding sex to do that lifestyle. Your fears are exactly what and why most men never pursue this past the discussion stage.

You might want to investigate what is called “hot wifing” rather than a polyamory site. Go to Our Hot Wives.org and you will see there are many men who sexually like this idea but whose fear is identical to yours. And once your wife gets deeply emotionally involved with someone rather than fucking guys only a few times you will have yourself a major headache and heartache.

Once your wife does this, even if the initial intention is to please you, once she develops feelings you will find it very difficult to put the veto option in and stop the activity. And in a poly forum, you most likely will get told you have no right to ask her to stop since it was your idea.

If I were you I would take Ms. Emotionals advice and do exactly as it says.

That is exactly what I am worried about if she develops a emotional or mental connection with another man I will have to end the marriage I would never be able to trust her again and things will just go sour
 
That is exactly what I am worried about if she develops a emotional or mental connection with another man I will have to end the marriage I would never be able to trust her again and things will just go sour

This board is for polyamory- people who WANT to develop emotional and mental connections with other partners.

You will most definitely find more support on the Hotwifing board, although maybe read here a bit and you'll see that feelings don't have to be a death knell like most of the OHW posters think.
 
i asked her to be open with me i want to see her get fucked by somebody with a long and large Penis

Hot-wife / Cuckold fantasy with a hint of small penis humiliation. It's a kink that is pretty common in porn. The fear of her falling for the big stud is all part of the kink. I don't expect I'm telling you something you don't know.

Most people use a definition of polyamory that is quite different from what you are going for. While various kinks do have crossover in the concept of polyamory, they are still two completely distinct concepts.
 
Hello Ardeen19,

In poly at least, it is not the end of things if she has feelings for another guy. She can still have feelings for you as well. She does not have to choose one guy or another, she can choose both. I can't tell how much she's into this, you mentioned that she found a guy and she's supposed to hang out with him tomorrow. You also said you don't agree on the boundaries. What boundaries don't you agree on?

You can shut it down as long as she's okay with shutting it down. Admittedly this would be the time, before she develops feelings for another guy.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
I second everything the others said, above. But I just want to add a couple more thoughts I had on this subject:

for sum odd reason i asked her to be open with me i want to see her get fucked by somebody with a long and large Penis

If you don't know what this fetish/kink is called, then google Hot Wifing/Cuckold fantasy, as Marcus advised you. It's actually fairly common, but is NOT polyamory.

If you repeatedly get "cold feet" when it comes to the REALITY of experimenting with this type of activity, why not just confine things to pillow-talk/fantasy during intimate moments between you and your wife. You could ask her to tell you about her own fantasies, or past experiences with other guys. Sometimes this can be enough to turn you both on and satisfy the urge to witness your wife being sexual with others. Just a suggestion.

I kinda think if i let her have sex with a big penis she will never cheat. She tells me she would never marry somebody and have 2 kids if she wasn’t 100% satisfied with their sex .

I’ve snuck and went thru her phone she tells her Bestfriend how good my sex is but I’m so insecure about my size i just can’t believe it.

Why not just take your wife at her word? :confused: There are very few women, if any, who would leave their spouse/family or even cheat simply because someone else has a bigger penis. And for no other reason.

Tell me... why is so hard for you to believe your wife is telling the truth about being satisfied with YOU and the sex you two have? If she texted a friend about the great sex she's having, surely it must be true! After all, it is highly unlikely she'd pre-empt your sneaking a look at her phone and send a friend such a personal text, in order to "trick" you into believing it, or lie to her friend for no reason. Try to be realistic about these things.

Btw, if you're sneaking peeks at your wife's phone... and don't believe your wife when she tells you something... it is YOU who may not be trustworthy in this relationship. Think about that.


Also seeing her get turn on REALLY does something to me . Like really gets me off so if she like big penis i want to see her have one and how turned on she is because it will turn me on.

Be careful trying to fulfil your own sexual fantasies through your wife, if SHE is not particularly interested in this kink herself and is only doing it to please you. As you realise, this has potential to backfire on you badly. There are also issues of consent here - and it seems doubtful you have your wife's wholehearted, joyous consent for what you want. It sounds more like she's being coerced into it, but I might not have the full picture.

We having been running into problems because i get cold feet when it’s time to do it. She don’t like causal sex so she can’t Go out fuck a random guy She says it takes a lot mentally for her to build herself up to have sex with another man for my pleasure and once see does i get cold feet and pull out .

What if he fucks her so good she won’t want to have sex with me (OR) wants to run off with him.

She reminds me that men was my idea she never mentioned it and she doing it to please me so i have no worries .

It seems to me you are filled with insecurities AND trust issues. If I were you, I'd work on THESE before attempting anything like hot-wifing or poly/non-monogamy.

It was/is YOUR idea, and it sounds as if wife is agreeing in order to please you. Be careful she doesn't end up resenting you for it - her resentment and your constant changes of heart are more likely to lead to her cheating/leaving than someone else having a big penis.

By asking her to do this, to the point where she sets up meetings with potential lovers... then backing out each time... you are essentially playing with your wife's emotions (and the emotions and time of the other person involved.)


She said if the sex is really good and she thinks it may get her attached she will shut it down because sex isn’t more important there love family and marriage.

A LOT of people new to polyamory or non-monogamy THINK it'll be easy to just "shut down" emotions if they start to become attached, but it's rarely that easy, especially for a person who finds it difficult to have sex without an emotional bond such as your wife.


That is exactly what I am worried about if she develops a emotional or mental connection with another man I will have to end the marriage I would never be able to trust her again and things will just go sour

This is REALLY unfair to your wife. Basically YOU are wanting HER to have sex with another man for your own pleasure (as well as hers, I hope?) You have asked her to do this.

Saying you'll "have to end the marriage" if she develops feelings for a sexual partner due to something YOU have ASKED her to do, borders on emotional blackmail and leaves your wife is a very precarious position. It's a no-win situation for her.

It sounds as if you lack trust in the stability of your marriage and your wife's affections (you think she's not fully satisfied with you and don't believe her when she says she IS), if you think she will be so easily swayed by someone else "bigger" or "better".

You need to work on YOURSELF and your self esteem both within the marriage and as an individual BEFORE contemplating bringing others into the marital bed.

If what you wrote is all part of your own internal "fantasy" (cuckold/humiliation) then I agree that it'd be better for you to take this to a HotWifing forum.
 
Btw, if you're sneaking peeks at your wife's phone... and don't believe your wife when she tells you something... it is YOU who may not be trustworthy in this relationship. Think about that.

THIS times a thousand. Also, this little scenario seems to be all about what YOU want.
 
This board is for polyamory- people who WANT to develop emotional and mental connections with other partners.

You will most definitely find more support on the Hotwifing board, although maybe read here a bit and you'll see that feelings don't have to be a death knell like most of the OHW posters think.

I’m sorry i didn’t know the difference I’m new to all this i joined hot wife forum thank you
 
I second everything the others said, above. But I just want to add a couple more thoughts I had on this subject:



If you don't know what this fetish/kink is called, then google Hot Wifing/Cuckold fantasy, as Marcus advised you. It's actually fairly common, but is NOT polyamory.

If you repeatedly get "cold feet" when it comes to the REALITY of experimenting with this type of activity, why not just confine things to pillow-talk/fantasy during intimate moments between you and your wife. You could ask her to tell you about her own fantasies, or past experiences with other guys. Sometimes this can be enough to turn you both on and satisfy the urge to witness your wife being sexual with others. Just a suggestion.



Why not just take your wife at her word? :confused: There are very few women, if any, who would leave their spouse/family or even cheat simply because someone else has a bigger penis. And for no other reason.

Tell me... why is so hard for you to believe your wife is telling the truth about being satisfied with YOU and the sex you two have? If she texted a friend about the great sex she's having, surely it must be true! After all, it is highly unlikely she'd pre-empt your sneaking a look at her phone and send a friend such a personal text, in order to "trick" you into believing it, or lie to her friend for no reason. Try to be realistic about these things.

Btw, if you're sneaking peeks at your wife's phone... and don't believe your wife when she tells you something... it is YOU who may not be trustworthy in this relationship. Think about that.




Be careful trying to fulfil your own sexual fantasies through your wife, if SHE is not particularly interested in this kink herself and is only doing it to please you. As you realise, this has potential to backfire on you badly. There are also issues of consent here - and it seems doubtful you have your wife's wholehearted, joyous consent for what you want. It sounds more like she's being coerced into it, but I might not have the full picture.



It seems to me you are filled with insecurities AND trust issues. If I were you, I'd work on THESE before attempting anything like hot-wifing or poly/non-monogamy.

It was/is YOUR idea, and it sounds as if wife is agreeing in order to please you. Be careful she doesn't end up resenting you for it - her resentment and your constant changes of heart are more likely to lead to her cheating/leaving than someone else having a big penis.

By asking her to do this, to the point where she sets up meetings with potential lovers... then backing out each time... you are essentially playing with your wife's emotions (and the emotions and time of the other person involved.)




A LOT of people new to polyamory or non-monogamy THINK it'll be easy to just "shut down" emotions if they start to become attached, but it's rarely that easy, especially for a person who finds it difficult to have sex without an emotional bond such as your wife.




This is REALLY unfair to your wife. Basically YOU are wanting HER to have sex with another man for your own pleasure (as well as hers, I hope?) You have asked her to do this.

Saying you'll "have to end the marriage" if she develops feelings for a sexual partner due to something YOU have ASKED her to do, borders on emotional blackmail and leaves your wife is a very precarious position. It's a no-win situation for her.

It sounds as if you lack trust in the stability of your marriage and your wife's affections (you think she's not fully satisfied with you and don't believe her when she says she IS), if you think she will be so easily swayed by someone else "bigger" or "better".

You need to work on YOURSELF and your self esteem both within the marriage and as an individual BEFORE contemplating bringing others into the marital bed.

If what you wrote is all part of your own internal "fantasy" (cuckold/humiliation) then I agree that it'd be better for you to take this to a HotWifing forum.


I really appreciate you for taking the Time out of your day to give such a long and detailed reply this is very helpful and insightful and I really appreciate it I don’t know why I can’t believe her it’s a situation like when a girl is beautiful whole world know she’s beautiful but she doesn’t believe she’s beautiful so no matter how many times how many people tell her that she’s beautiful she just won’t believe it you’re absolutely right I need to get help for this issue because it is causing a strain on my marriage internally it is . I do have trust issues and I really can’t pinpoint where they’re coming from I think it may be because of the relationship I had with my biological mother she was the equivalent to a deadbeat dad so maybe that’s why I just can’t trust females in general also something else I need to work on I don’t get cold feet but it is something I want to say I’m nervous as hell right now she’s meeting somebody at 1 o’clock and I have a sex she wants to see if she can feel a connection with them so potential he sex I do have trust issues and I really can’t pinpoint where they’re coming from I think it may be because of the relationship I had with my biological mother she was the equivalent to a deadbeat dad so maybe that’s why I just can’t trust females in general also something else I need to work on I don’t get cold feet but it is something I want to say I’m nervous as hell right now she’s meeting somebody at 1 o’clock and I have a sex she wants to see if she can feel a connection with them for potentially sex I’m just wanna swallow my pride and going on with it I know my wife loves him more than anything more than herself more than life itself I’ve never had anybody love me like this she’s never loved him about it like this I want to put more trust in her and stop being scared for once once if it isn’t as bad as I thought it was and we both mutually agreed to continue then we will thank you for your help you’re really giving advice or not only the situation but my marriage period And I’m very grateful for that thank you
 
I really appreciate you for taking the Time out of your day to give such a long and detailed reply this is very helpful and insightful

You're welcome, Ardeen.

I must stress: I do not think it's a good idea for your wife to be going ahead with meeting this other guy (for sex or anything else) right now... not until you've developed more security and trust in yourself AND in your relationship with her, perhaps with the help of a therapist. But I suppose what's done is done, and you'll soon find out how their meeting went.

I know my wife loves him more than anything more than herself more than life itself I’ve never had anybody love me like this

Wait... are you saying your wife already loves this potential new lover deeply? I'm a little confused how this could be the case if they've never met... unless I'm misunderstanding this part. :confused:


I don’t know why I can’t believe her it’s a situation like when a girl is beautiful whole world know she’s beautiful but she doesn’t believe she’s beautiful so no matter how many times how many people tell her

I understand what you're saying, and that sometimes people have insecurities that aren't based on anything rational or factual.

That being the case, I reiterate that asking your wife to do sexual things with other men right now, before you've adequately worked on your insecurities, will only be a recipe for disaster. A self fulfilling prophecy, if you will. For an arrangement like this to work (ethical non monogamy), a lot depends on having confidence and TRUST in both yourself AND the other person involved (your wife).

you’re absolutely right I need to get help for this issue because it is causing a strain on my marriage internally it is . I do have trust issues and I really can’t pinpoint where they’re coming from I think it may be because of the relationship I had with my biological mother she was the equivalent to a deadbeat dad so maybe that’s why I just can’t trust females in general

It's good that you have this insight into where your issues may stem from. That is a start. But as I said earlier, adding someone else into your already troubled relationship dynamic is NOT going to solve the problem, but almost certainly will cause other issues unless you work on yourself, preferably via therapy.
 
You're welcome, Ardeen.

I must stress: I do not think it's a good idea for your wife to be going ahead with meeting this other guy (for sex or anything else) right now... not until you've developed more security and trust in yourself AND in your relationship with her, perhaps with the help of a therapist. But I suppose what's done is done, and you'll soon find out how their meeting went.



Wait... are you saying your wife already loves this potential new lover deeply? I'm a little confused how this could be the case if they've never met... unless I'm misunderstanding this part. :confused:




I understand what you're saying, and that sometimes people have insecurities that aren't based on anything rational or factual.

That being the case, I reiterate that asking your wife to do sexual things with other men right now, before you've adequately worked on your insecurities, will only be a recipe for disaster. A self fulfilling prophecy, if you will. For an arrangement like this to work (ethical non monogamy), a lot depends on having confidence and TRUST in both yourself AND the other person involved (your wife).



It's good that you have this insight into where your issues may stem from. That is a start. But as I said earlier, adding someone else into your already troubled relationship dynamic is NOT going to solve the problem, but almost certainly will cause other issues unless you work on yourself, preferably via therapy.




No i just mean she loves me more than any guy she has ever been with. And you are right it’s highly unlikely she will develop feelings. I’m going to seek therapy for reasons beyond hot wife but me getting help with result in help with this , i left out BIG BIG part i don’t know how i could have forgot.

The first guy. Was a couple months ago so we have talked about her having sex with other men. She said she had nobody my phone died at work i turn it on 3 hours later to text messages oh hey i found somebody me and his relationship was strictly business but i thought he would be a good fit i told him what we were looking for he agreed . I flipped the fuck out yes i want you to have sex with a guy but we have to be transparent and keep in the loop every step of the way. We are from dc which is a very small area everybody knows everybody why didn’t you ask me first , show me a picture , what if i knew him my friends knew him . She said oh i was trying to surprise you this is what you wanted. I thought maybe they been had something going on BecUse when we first talked about being open you said you had nobody now you popped up with a person. She always lied about him serveral times and it came to light. I think her lying before is why i have such trust issues now with all this. I’m saying I’m ok for you to have sex with another guy and you can’t be transparent about it? If i can’t trust you when it’s ok how can i ever trust you when it’s not


Me and her also decided i can’t have sex with any other females. I cheated on her in 2012 and had a child on her thank god we still together but she said she can’t risk me getting somebody pregnant. I understood but honestly i have no desire to have sex with anybody else but me and her are going to have a long talk like right now i feel like she’s not being fair . Ok you want to have a connection i get it. If the shoe was on other foot and i felt same way you not gonna be cool with me and her hanging out for 4+ hours she said she was on her way to him around 12 noon I’m trying to stay calm but I’m getting upset . Once she leaves we gonna have a long transparent talk and decide if this should be a real thing or just kept in bed room as nasty talk
 
It sounds like you have reason to not trust her. That and maybe the fact that she has been a little bit unfair toward you. You may need to have a long transparent talk with her, and find out if this should be shut down.
 
It sounds like you have reason to not trust her. That and maybe the fact that she has been a little bit unfair toward you. You may need to have a long transparent talk with her, and find out if this should be shut down.



Tried that really turned bad i told her I want to shut it down because I cannot mentally take it she basically said that she build herself up for this for months she’s committed and she’s going to do it with I like it or not
 
Oh no, she is moving forward without your consent, that is not good. It probably should have been shut down a few months ago, but there's no way you could have known that back then.
 
Once she leaves we gonna have a long transparent talk and decide if this should be a real thing or just kept in bed room as nasty talk

I think this could have been left as fantasy bedroom talk only.

She always lied about him serveral times and it came to light. I think her lying before is why i have such trust issues now with all this. I’m saying I’m ok for you to have sex with another guy and you can’t be transparent about it? If i can’t trust you when it’s ok how can i ever trust you when it’s not

I cheated on her in 2012 and had a child on her thank god we still together but she said she can’t risk me getting somebody pregnant.

None of this is good. :(

Tried that really turned bad i told her I want to shut it down because I cannot mentally take it she basically said that she build herself up for this for months she’s committed and she’s going to do it with I like it or not

Then you have to decide what your next choice is then.

Do you want to be in relationship dynamic like this? Where you partner values this fling thing more than your mental health? There is lack of transparency and lack of consent?

Because this doesn't sound like

  • honest, consensual polyamory
  • honest, consensual swinging
  • honest, consensual NSA sex on the side
  • honest, consensual hot-wifing


It may or may not be a cheating affair out in the open rather than behind your back.

It may or may not be unhealed past cheating stuff coming out like "revenge-y"

It could be something else.

For sure it is non-consensual. You do not consent to participate like this. If you decide to STOP participating it is within your rights. She might keep going with it, but YOU can choose to get off this Bus.

I strongly suggest you guys talk this out and not make choices that cannot be undone that you both may regret later. This is not treating all partners with kindness.

If this is the start of the end? Too little too late? Then I hope you choose to break up quickly, cleanly, respectfully, and peacefully. Or as much as is possible.

Rather than dragging it on and on. It's not good to linger in the dragging on place. :(

It's better to linger in the "starting to heal" place instead.

My 2 cents.

Galagirl
 
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I think this could have been left as fantasy bedroom talk only.





None of this is good. :(



Then you have to decide what your next choice is then.

Do you want to be in relationship dynamic like this? Where you partner values this fling thing more than your mental health? There is lack of transparency and lack of consent?

Because this doesn't sound like

  • honest, consensual polyamory
  • honest, consensual swinging
  • honest, consensual NSA sex on the side
  • honest, consensual hot-wifing


It may or may not be a cheating affair out in the open rather than behind your back.

It may or may not be unhealed past cheating stuff coming out like "revenge-y"

It could be something else.

For sure it is non-consensual. You do not consent to participate like this. If you decide to STOP participating it is within your rights. She might keep going with it, but YOU can choose to get off this Bus.

I strongly suggest you guys talk this out and not make choices that cannot be undone that you both may regret later. This is not treating all partners with kindness.

If this is the start of the end? Too little too late? Then I hope you choose to break up quickly, cleanly, respectfully, and peacefully. Or as much as is possible.

Rather than draging it on and on. It's not good to linger in the dragging on place. :(

It's better to linger in the "starting to heal" place instead.

My 2 cents.

Galagirl



We talked earlier today she pretty much is set on having sex with him she said for 6 years she put my feelings first for once she going to put hers first Ima see how things go she said she will call me when she Leave
 
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