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  #11  
Old Yesterday, 10:56 PM
edpsy77 edpsy77 is offline
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Default Can you love multiple people!

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Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
Post a link, I'm interested.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IAE8uQUU4Pw
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  #12  
Old Yesterday, 11:28 PM
WonderinGuy WonderinGuy is offline
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As per the OP, its a personal thing.
If you really do not like someone and you'd dislike the idea of your lover sleeping with that person... surely then whats the problem? Surely it works both ways for either person?

There's nothing worse than someone you don't get on with saying "I slept with your lover last night who admitted to orgasm faster with me than you, ever!"
Sure, you may be all for your lover having the best sex possible, but never, ever with someone you don't like.

Reminds me of my teenage years... of "don't date my friend", just pales in comparison to this lol. Seriously I dunno if I'm just from a different class or from a different generation or what here..
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  #13  
Old Today, 01:45 AM
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vinsanity0 vinsanity0 is offline
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A blanket veto power is more about the person doing the vetoing than their concern for their partner. If they veto someone it's like saying they can't handle the poly relationship.
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  #14  
Old Today, 01:51 AM
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vinsanity0 vinsanity0 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by edpsy77 View Post
.If you look at the comment section of any video about polyamory you will find some very nasty remarks. Why do mono people get so angry about this? Because it creates self doubt, possibly. They are pushing back their own feelings by lashing out at others.
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  #15  
Old Today, 08:05 AM
Leetah Leetah is offline
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My impression is that if you look at the comment section on almost any video you will find nasty remarks. The internet abounds with jerks. I generally don't bother with comment sections.

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  #16  
Old Today, 12:21 PM
edpsy77 edpsy77 is offline
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Default Nasty Remarks with BAD REASONING

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Originally Posted by vinsanity0 View Post
.If you look at the comment section of any video about polyamory you will find some very nasty remarks. Why do mono people get so angry about this? Because it creates self doubt, possibly. They are pushing back their own feelings by lashing out at others.
Well this video has a very high number of nasty remarks. To be fair they do cite their reasons on why they oppose poly, so I think it is necessary to debunk their reasons but I should expect any "debate" about poly to have a strong majority of anti-poly people who feel offended by poly. Thus, it will result in many nasty remarks.

I don't think there is a great amount of self doubt. They are convinced that poly people are lying to themselves and deep down know that poly is a unhealthy lifestyle and polyamorists are truly unhappy. They claim they know this from polys' lack of "confidence" during the debate. The bottom line is no anti-poly can prove that you can not ROMANTICALLY love more than one person at the same time. Anti-polys are ONLY effective in expressing how they FEEL. They have the intuition that tells them loving more than one person is impossible, they do not KNOW this as a FACT.
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  #17  
Old Today, 02:14 PM
KC43 KC43 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by WonderinGuy View Post
As per the OP, its a personal thing.
If you really do not like someone and you'd dislike the idea of your lover sleeping with that person... surely then whats the problem? Surely it works both ways for either person?

There's nothing worse than someone you don't get on with saying "I slept with your lover last night who admitted to orgasm faster with me than you, ever!"
Sure, you may be all for your lover having the best sex possible, but never, ever with someone you don't like.

Reminds me of my teenage years... of "don't date my friend", just pales in comparison to this lol. Seriously I dunno if I'm just from a different class or from a different generation or what here..
The problem is that if you're telling your lover, "I can't stand her, you aren't allowed to see her," you are controlling two other adults who aren't getting a say in the matter. Controlling other people just plain isn't okay. What my partners do in their other relationships is not a thing I have the right to control. I have the right to *request*, as in "I really have a hard time dealing with her, and would prefer you not see her." I have the right to set a boundary *for myself*, as in "She's toxic for me, and if you're seeing her, I'm not sure I would be able to continue our relationship." But I emphatically do NOT have the right to say, "She sucks, you aren't allowed to have a relationship with her."

That's what a veto amounts to. "*I* have a problem, so *you* have to change your behavior and do what I say." Which is bullshit. We're adults. We're each responsible for our own choices and emotions. We don't have the right to make *other people* responsible for us.

(And if you don't get on with someone, why on earth would you be talking to them in the first place, let alone having them tell you they're boning your boo?)
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  #18  
Old Today, 02:21 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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I do know some people who have a type of veto arrangement. One partner is extremely bad at picking partners - people who behave abusively, or addicted and not dealing with it, or mentally ill and not dealing with it, etc. Because they are so bad at picking healthy partners, the other partner can say 'No, this person is bad for you because of X, Y, Z. Don't see them.' It is controlling for sure and I'm not sure how long term healthy it is. (Does the partner with bad partner picking skills ever get better at selection doing this?) But if someone, for whatever reason, is bad at picking good partners, I can see this working.
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  #19  
Old Today, 03:00 PM
MsEmotional MsEmotional is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by KC43 View Post
The problem is that if you're telling your lover, "I can't stand her, you aren't allowed to see her," you are controlling two other adults who aren't getting a say in the matter. Controlling other people just plain isn't okay. What my partners do in their other relationships is not a thing I have the right to control. I have the right to *request*, as in "I really have a hard time dealing with her, and would prefer you not see her." I have the right to set a boundary *for myself*, as in "She's toxic for me, and if you're seeing her, I'm not sure I would be able to continue our relationship." But I emphatically do NOT have the right to say, "She sucks, you aren't allowed to have a relationship with her."

That's what a veto amounts to. "*I* have a problem, so *you* have to change your behavior and do what I say." Which is bullshit. We're adults. We're each responsible for our own choices and emotions. We don't have the right to make *other people* responsible for us.

(And if you don't get on with someone, why on earth would you be talking to them in the first place, let alone having them tell you they're boning your boo?)

I agree with all of this!

Sounds, honestly, like the situations where a “veto” would be desirable are situations where there are already some toxic dynamics. I can’t think of anyone in my life that I truly cannot stand to the extent that I wouldn’t be able to handle them as a metamour. And it is even less conceivable that I could truly not stand someone to that extent AND that my partner would not only like that person but like them enough to want to be partnered with that person. My husband has his share of “weird friends” — people I wouldn’t choose to include in my life myself, but who he likes and hangs out with. But can’t imagine disliking any of those people so strongly that I would refuse to allow him to sleep with them.

As far as vetoes, the specific, pre-emptive vetoes do not seeem to be as big of a deal as blanket veto power. Saying, “not my sister” in the case of MayDecember, seems acceptable (even if unecessary). My husband knows that I have had a little crush on his sister for years — but I would never pursue her....that would be hella weird. Same with “not my mortal enemy.” A veto does not even need to be stated — it would just be awkward. There are people who are off-limits in all kinds of relationships, not just poly ones. Relatives, bosses, clients/patients.....in all those cases, there is another relationship involved that would be at risk if romance were attempted. Poly is no different and it really just comes down to common sense, not a veto.

But the blanket veto power — described by Franklin Veux — is totally different. I sobbed when I listened to that part of his audiobook. Allowing your wife to tell you you may never speak to someone again? With no reason? And not allows to give the other partner a reason? That is just fucking toxic. I lost a lot of respect for him for having gone along with it. That is batshit crazy. Even a poly newbie should know that — and he had been poly even before marrying his wife. There is no point to that level of cruelty.
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Me: 34, F, Bicurious

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Glasses: my husband of 9 years --> 35, M, Queer
Ponytail: my first-poly-date-turned-boyfriend --> 35, M, Pansexual
Whiskers: potential (guy I am dating) > 42, M, Queer

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Ginger: Glasses' partner --> 30ish, Transgender (FTM), LDR

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Pearl: my daughter with Glasses --> 5 years old
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