Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > General Poly Discussions

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 12-01-2018, 12:34 PM
tecklemino tecklemino is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 24
Default Im not sure what to title this..

Actually, im not even sure what my question is. Maybe i just need to organize my thoughts...

So, i am in the military. I am combat arms, in a position that deploys half of every year. During the time that i am home, i am usually away on TDY in training. I end up being home about two months a year when you put it all together.

I am barely a husband to my wife because of how much i am gone. I talk to her as often as i can when i am gone, but its not the same as being here. I love my wife, she is amazing. We have been married for over ten years, and i have been gone, fighting in wars for most of those ten years.

Im thinking about trying to find a couple for my wife. I know there are a lot of "unicorn hunters" out there... so, im sure we would have plenty if takers. My wife would prefer a couple anyway. Especially if they are willing to get her out of the house every once in a while when i am gone.

Its hard on her. For half the year, every year, she worries that i might not come home. It is not unfounded fear... 8 of my friends have died in just the last year. And that is not counting the 40 or so that preceded them over the years.

We are thinking about trying to find a couple that might learn to love her and be willing to invest time in her. As long as they treat her well and dont try to disrespect me, i would have no issues with it. Better yet if i can share some hobbies with them.

Does this sound like a bad idea? My wife is bisexual, so she could love both parties in a couple romantically so long as she clicks with them.

I wont get out of the army. I have lost a lot of friends, but i have also saved a lot. I keep deploying to hot spots because i am one of the best at what i do, and i am really good at bringing my guys home. To date, i have not lost a single soldier who is subordinate to me, and i get requests all the time from various ODA's for support because of my track record. It is not in me to say no to them. Last year a team decided not to bring me for some reason. Four of them died, and i believe i could have prevented it had i been there.

I dont expect anyone to understand where i am coming from. But i would like to hear other peoples experiences, if it relates.

It would be much easier for me to do what i do if i KNOW that there are people who care about my wife and daughter enough to take care of them while i am gone. I would feel indebted to them...

We have been doing this all on our own for a long time. It has been hard, but very rewarding.

So what do you think? I would be fine with my wife taking a "second husband" too, so long as he is not an ass...
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 12-01-2018, 06:20 PM
River's Avatar
River River is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: NM, USA
Posts: 3,352
Default

My only advice would be to let her take the lead in exploring new, potential connections, and don't make it your project. If this is something she wants and you support it, wonderful. Let her take the lead. Offer support from the sidelines.
__________________
male, bisexual & biamorous
1 long term male partner of many years.
1 male cuddly, lovey, kissy friend (very new).
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 12-01-2018, 07:09 PM
tecklemino tecklemino is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 24
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by River View Post
My only advice would be to let her take the lead in exploring new, potential connections, and don't make it your project. If this is something she wants and you support it, wonderful. Let her take the lead. Offer support from the sidelines.
My wife is the one who brought it up. To be honest, i likely won't even be around when she meets someone she clicks with.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 12-02-2018, 03:24 AM
vinsanity0's Avatar
vinsanity0 vinsanity0 is offline
Spaminator
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: South Florida
Posts: 1,930
Default

I have a job in which I was gone two months at a time. My wife and I were poly. She was more into a casual fwb booty call type thing. It worked out fine even though I did have some jealousy issues at first. Be prepared for that.

I agree with River that you should just let her explore at her own pace.
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 12-02-2018, 03:35 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 7,128
Default

Military career is one of those tricky things.

If this came out -- that you guys are practicing poly -- would you or your family take dings from the military itself or your military community?

If all that is ok enough and you feel safe enough?

Quote:
Im thinking about trying to find a couple for my wife. I know there are a lot of "unicorn hunters" out there... so, im sure we would have plenty if takers. My wife would prefer a couple anyway. Especially if they are willing to get her out of the house every once in a while when i am gone.
Let wife take the lead. It's not really your job to find her people to date. She's the one spending the most time with them.

Hopefully everyone gets along ok in the way that you hope. But as with all dating -- remember that not everyone one dates is a long haul runner. That's what dating is FOR -- to find the compatible ones.

Be prepared for this to end in ways you don't expect -- even down to everyone single. Hopefully not. But going in having made peace with that already makes it a bit easier if the cards do happen to fall that way.

Like hope for the best, but plan for the worst. (In military life you probably already know that in other ways and scenarios.)

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 12-02-2018 at 06:51 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 12-02-2018, 06:01 PM
kdt26417's Avatar
kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
Official Greeter
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Yelm, Washington
Posts: 16,522
Default

Hi tecklemino,

I would think it would not be hard for your wife to find a couple, there are many couples out there who are looking for a "third." Just make sure they treat your wife with respect, and let her have a fair say in how things will be conducted. Sometimes unicorn hunters forget that their "unicorn" is a person and not just a toy. Usually the biggest issue with a couple is that the wife of the couple gets jealous. In other words, that wife, the other wife, would get jealous of your wife. That other wife would get jealous of your wife's relationship with the other wife's husband. And then the other husband (the husband of the couple) would back his wife, and would kick your wife to the curb. Or your wife would get so tired of putting up with the jealousy, and the increasing restrictions, that she would leave voluntarily, having taken a lot of emotional damage. I'm not saying this is what would happen, but it is a common scenario so watch out for it.

Keep us posted as your situation evolves, and we can give updated feedback/advice.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
__________________
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 12-02-2018, 08:11 PM
Magdlyn's Avatar
Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 6,847
Default

The poly unicorn concept, either women (or occasionally men) presenting themselves as a unicorn, or couples on the hunt for one, rarely work out long term.

I understand you think a nice settled couple might be best, for your wife, to allow her to have her sexual needs met. And to be cared for. And to have support as she raises your daughter. And she likes men and women, being bi. But there's no guarantee she'd meet a stable MF couple who really know how to share and respect a new female partner. Usually unicorn hunters are naive and new to polyamory and have lots of unrealistic ideas. And you have unrealistic expectations as well.

Do a search here for unicorn to see how many horrible experiences people have had trying to do the unicorn thing.

A single person, either male or female, is probably more capable of being sexually satisfying, and being able to care for your wife. This person could be polyamorous, with a spouse or another partner already (whom they do not plan to share). Or they could be monogamous but poly friendly, especially since you're so seldom home.

Your wife may be much more likely to end up with a girlfriend and a boyfriend, who are NOT in relationship with each other, than to find a couple with whom she has chemistry for both, and they both have desire for her.

And the obvious question is, if your wife is having new hot sex with a new hot partner or two, how will you feel? Will you be envious? Jealous? And are you interested in another partner? What do you do for sex 10 months of the year? You've been getting by with masturbation all these years?

I recommend you check out the website morethantwo.com, to learn more about polyamory basics, rather than going with an idealized dream of a perfect stable poly couple to take care of your wife for 10 months a year, forever. Like Gala said, it could take a long time to find even one other significant other who is compatible. Dating is hard. Mistakes are made, hearts are nicked. People let you down. People seem compatible during infatuation and then disappoint. There are also sociopathic narcissists out there who present as the perfect person until they hook you and start to abuse you. Etc.

Look into it well for a year or two before she jumps into dating sites and the wild and woolly world of poly dating. And yes, it's her job to scope out potential partners, date them, see how it goes. It's not your job to do that. That's called hot-wifing and is not going to get you the kind of person you seem to want for your wife. Or that she seems to want. I guess you think it would be fun to get on dating sites on your down time overseas and do this? Well, your wife can show you profiles she's looking at. But it's not a good idea for her to share too much information. It's betraying the privacy of her dating partners to share every detail with you.

Anyway, all this and more is on morethantwo.com.
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

Mags (poly, F, 63)
Pixi (poly, F, 41) my nesting partner since January 2009
Master, (mono, M, 37), Pixi's bf since April 2013
BigGuy (poly, M, married, 43, dating me since late summer 2018)
Ravi (poly, M, married, 37, dating me since late summer 2018)
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 12-08-2018, 08:55 PM
edpsy77 edpsy77 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 45
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by vinsanity0 View Post
I have a job in which I was gone two months at a time. My wife and I were poly. She was more into a casual fwb booty call type thing. It worked out fine even though I did have some jealousy issues at first. Be prepared for that.

I agree with River that you should just let her explore at her own pace.
How difficult was it to initially handle the jealousy issues? Was it overwhelming? How did you conquer or contain your jealousy? Did you ever had feelings of compersion in regards to her booty call? This compersion is very similar to swinging relationships where both partners enjoy hearing and/or watching one another have sex.
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 12-11-2018, 05:44 PM
Magdlyn's Avatar
Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 6,847
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by edpsy77 View Post
Did you ever had feelings of compersion in regards to her booty call? This compersion is very similar to swinging relationships where both partners enjoy hearing and/or watching one another have sex.
No, compersion is really nothing like the arousal a swinger might get watching or hearing their SO have sex with another.

Compersion does not include becoming sexually aroused. Compersion is vicarious pleasure. When my gf tells me something about sexual things she and her bf do, I feel the same as when she tells me they went to a nursery and enjoyed picking out plants, and later setting them in the ground. Or that they watched a certain movie or football game and had fun doing it. I am glad she had fun. I am not aroused by imagining it.

When I feel joy seeing a 5 year old jumping on a trampoline and laughing, I feel vicarious pleasure. It's a joy to me to see that kid having lots of fun. Especially if it's a kid I like or love. But I don't wish to join them on the trampoline, or even imagine myself jumping.

I love my nesting partner and I want her to be happy. Whether that happiness entails a certain sex or kink act, or just going for a canoe trip, it doesn't matter. I am merely happy for her either way. I rarely even feel envy. If she watches football with her bf, I think, oh, I don't like football, I'm glad I don't need to watch it with her. If she gets sushi (my favorite food) I might feel a twinge of envy, but I know I can get sushi with her, or just for myself, soon anyway, so it's not a problem.
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

Mags (poly, F, 63)
Pixi (poly, F, 41) my nesting partner since January 2009
Master, (mono, M, 37), Pixi's bf since April 2013
BigGuy (poly, M, married, 43, dating me since late summer 2018)
Ravi (poly, M, married, 37, dating me since late summer 2018)
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 07:57 PM.