Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #11  
Old 12-05-2018, 01:10 AM
MiHippieChic MiHippieChic is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2018
Location: Michigan
Posts: 11
Default

Thank you so much. You took it the exact way I mean it. She has equal say, and she is far from our toy. I want to make sure she knows that in every way.

[/B]
Quote:
Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
Hey Erin,

I think it's awesome that you invited her to join you as an equal ... So many unicorn hunters want to keep their marital dyad superior and make the other person a "third." Which is exactly why many MFF triads don't work out. When I read "equal," I take it to mean that you aren't just going to tell her how things are going to be, you're going to give her an equal say and make her part of the discussions. And, you won't just treat her as a toy, you'll treat her as a real human with wants and needs of her own.

Honestly, to me it sounds like so far you've been doing things the right way ... It is hard to start off on the poly path when you're totally new to it, there are so many mistakes you could make and you don't have a road map. Interacting with the various members on this forum is actually one of the smartest things you can do, you can get context-sensitive feedback and advice here, and learn about poly and how it works as you go along. So keep doing that.

Sincerely and with regards,
Kevin T.
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 12-05-2018, 01:38 AM
kdt26417's Avatar
kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
Official Greeter
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Yelm, Washington
Posts: 16,522
Default

Makes sense to me.
__________________
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 12-05-2018, 01:39 AM
MiHippieChic MiHippieChic is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2018
Location: Michigan
Posts: 11
Default

Thank you so much. You took it the exact way I mean it. She has equal say, and she is far from our toy. I want to make sure she knows that in every way.

Thanks for the encouragement too. Good to know we seem to be starting off right. 😁😁

[/B]
Quote:
Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
Hey Erin,

I think it's awesome that you invited her to join you as an equal ... So many unicorn hunters want to keep their marital dyad superior and make the other person a "third." Which is exactly why many MFF triads don't work out. When I read "equal," I take it to mean that you aren't just going to tell her how things are going to be, you're going to give her an equal say and make her part of the discussions. And, you won't just treat her as a toy, you'll treat her as a real human with wants and needs of her own.

Honestly, to me it sounds like so far you've been doing things the right way ... It is hard to start off on the poly path when you're totally new to it, there are so many mistakes you could make and you don't have a road map. Interacting with the various members on this forum is actually one of the smartest things you can do, you can get context-sensitive feedback and advice here, and learn about poly and how it works as you go along. So keep doing that.

Sincerely and with regards,
Kevin T.
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Old 12-05-2018, 01:45 AM
kdt26417's Avatar
kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
Official Greeter
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Yelm, Washington
Posts: 16,522
Default

Of course, there's never a guarantee that everything will work out right, but that's love, love is always a risk. Just do the best you can and take it one little step at a time. So far so good!
__________________
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
Reply With Quote
  #15  
Old 12-05-2018, 05:33 PM
Magdlyn's Avatar
Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 6,847
Default

Welcome to the forum from another bi hippy chick!

Quote:
Originally Posted by MiHippieChic View Post
Hello everyone, I'm new... To explain....

I'm a 39 year old, bisexual woman... I've had relationships with other women before, most of the time shallow and sexual. Once before, even a few feelings but never that head over heels... way I had felt about men.
I was always physically more attracted to women, and emotionally, to men...
It's funny, I feel kind of the opposite way. I feel more physically attracted to men, and more emotionally connected to women. I just love the look and feel of a man, the beard, the muscles, the deeper voice, the smell of testosterone, the eager cock. But men are more like children to me emotionally, more tone deaf about emotions, more of a spotlight mentality instead of a floodlight. More of a dog, happy, horny, while women are more feline, thoughtful, nuanced.

Even before I was aware of my sexual feelings for women, I've always related so lovingly to women. I find them beautiful and sexy, but it's the depth of emotion and shared experience as a class of people (victims of the patriarchy) where I find the most reward.

Quote:
I married one of my best friends... a man. He knew my sexuality, while I was figuring it out. We both were in agreement of how we saw marriage: committed. Two people. This never meant I was giving up a part of me... We have been married 14 years.

A few months ago, through my oldest son (we have 2 boys, 11 and 14), we met the most amazing woman I've ever met... She has two boys, roughly the same age as ours.

As our families got to know each other, we all got closer. Me and her first. But honestly, one thing that made me really fall for her was how she acted toward and treated my husband. She inherently understood him. She and I click in a beautiful way, but the three of us, I mean, wow.

And all 7 of us (kids included) have become a family. I'm not sure when exactly it happened for her, but we both got little crushes on each other...

A month or so ago ago hubby n I had a talk... We have always been honest about everything with each other. He came up with the idea for the three of us to get a sitter, then go to dinner, get drunk, and stay at a hotel for the night...
I'm sure you know, on some level, attempting something like beginning polamory while drunk is not the most careful way to proceed! (But it sounds like you got lucky and it worked out.) Did he want you all to be drunk to make it easier to get to fucking? Did you discuss whether being not sober when attempting something like a triad sex scene was the best idea? What if someone did something they wouldn't normally do, and regretted it when sober? Or worse, regretted it while still drunk, and irrational, and it all escalated to a big fight in the hotel room? Eek!


Quote:
After lots of conversation between the three of us, I'm sure you can guess what happened.
Well no, I couldn't have guessed. Because I don't know how valid drunken horny talking would be... But I guess you did have satisfying threeway sex, somehow! Was it the first time any of you did a FMF threeway?

Quote:
Before the physical part, I had certain views. I never thought I'd be ok with anyone... alone with my hubby... I still don't understand why it changed...
Maybe because, as mentioned below, jealousy, while it seems a default aspect of "true love," is really a culturally learned behavior? Also, I found I learned a lot about "love" from being a mother, adding to what I knew of love from teen or adult relationships. Being a mom teaches you patience, and about how to share, and care, and give, and have vicarious pleasure seeing your child love the other parent, the sibling, the aunt, grandparent, teacher, etc. Without jealousy.

Quote:
After the physical, and so far there was that one night (literally only a week and a half ago), all of our feelings for each other have gotten deeper.
Sex often makes me feel more attached. I don't know if drunken sex would make me feel more attached, but then, I don't enjoy being drunk. Hippy me prefers weed, after all.

Quote:
I want to state now that this women would never try to get between him and me. Ever. And I have seen in their faces them both wrestling [with] their [feelings] for each other, a fact that makes me love them both so much more.

My hubby is an over the road trucker, and he had to leave for two weeks last Sunday. She rushed over for dinner with us before he left (he stayed a day later than he thought). I watched her hug him goodbye (I've been searching for negative feelings in myself constantly in this whole thing), whisper for him to be safe, and my heart just swelled.

There's one more person to miss him, pray for him, love him. Good, he deserves that.

Top that off with the fact that these are the 2 adults I love most in this world, my head was in the clouds. No shred of negativity.

He and I decided to invite her into our marriage as an equal.
I'm guessing she doesn't have another partner? When you say equal, I see you mentioned treating her as a full human being. Of course, she's not "in your marriage." She's your gf, she's his gf. You're friends, and now you're "dating." Dating is a time for seeing if you (plural, or even just singular) are fully compatible with this person. You're not even engaged to her, much less married to her. You've only had sex once!!

Maybe you will end up being deeply compatible with her. Maybe you won't. Maybe she will be only somewhat compatible with you, once the NRE wears off, but deeply compatible with your husband. Etc.

A triad is 3 Vs stacked up.

You+her
You+hubby
Her+hubby

Then on top of 3 Vs, there is the threesome. It's very very complicated.

So far, so good. I hope all 3 of you continue to be fully compatible and full of compersion. But you can't marry this woman legally in the Western world. So if this is to be an equal triad, or even a V (if one of the relationships doesn't continue to be romantic/sexual), you will have to make extra legal and financial arrangements for this to be really equal, and protective of her rights and her sons' safety.

Quote:
My mind is not changed, and for some reason I have zero hesitations... However, while he's not changing his mind, I worry my hubby is getting jealous. See right now, she's here, and he's not in town. I've seen her for a couple hours each day, but he's been on the road... but we're in constant contact via phone.

When he and I are talking about his and her hesitations with their feelings for each other, I tell him it will take time, because they both gotta get over that feeling that they're betraying me. He asks me how I can be just all ok and not awkward so quick...

Not awkward???? Lol first woman I've been with in over 16 years. First person other than him in that long. She's also the first woman I've ever loved like this.

Funny thing is, I feel like this largely because of how she has been with my husband, how understanding of him and our relationship. Also, if you're bi I'm sure you understand what I mean when I say it's a different love... And it seems she just makes us... Stronger...

After being married, I thought my "dating" days were over. I never... thought I'd feel like this toward someone other than him. And I never thought I'd be ok with, let alone want and encourage my husband to be with another woman. How can I help him better understand my point of view?
Could you pick out nicknames for your hubby and your gf (as our Guidelines request), other than "hubby" (which defines him by his relationship to you), and "her," which isn't specific enough for clarity and respect. It also makes it easier for members to comment. Thanks!
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

Mags (poly, F, 63)
Pixi (poly, F, 41) my nesting partner since January 2009
Master, (mono, M, 37), Pixi's bf since April 2013
BigGuy (poly, M, married, 43, dating me since late summer 2018)
Ravi (poly, M, married, 37, dating me since late summer 2018)
Reply With Quote
  #16  
Old 12-05-2018, 05:51 PM
Magdlyn's Avatar
Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 6,847
Default

I looked at your Intro thread. So the gf is Moonshine. What should we call your guy, other than hubby?

So, since he left on his latest trip, you and Moonshine have "kissed and groped," but not "had sex."

As part lesbian, I consider kissing and groping (touching boobs and pussy and ass), sex. You don't?

Maybe you haven't penetrated each other, or done oral? Is that the line?

Have you just not been in the mood for more activities, or are you (or Moonshine) holding back because hubby isn't there? Did he request you and Moonshine not "have sex" while he's away?

Do you plan to all consent to one on one sex? You and hubby, you and Moonshine, hubby and Moonshine? Or is all "sex" (however you agree to define that) now to be only between the 3 of you?

Sometimes newly Open couples still have one on one sex, while not consenting to the new person's ability to have one on one sex with either of the established couple.

...Just one more thing to consider in a triad that is trying for "equality."
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

Mags (poly, F, 63)
Pixi (poly, F, 41) my nesting partner since January 2009
Master, (mono, M, 37), Pixi's bf since April 2013
BigGuy (poly, M, married, 43, dating me since late summer 2018)
Ravi (poly, M, married, 37, dating me since late summer 2018)
Reply With Quote
  #17  
Old 12-05-2018, 08:24 PM
MiHippieChic MiHippieChic is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2018
Location: Michigan
Posts: 11
Default

Hey there! 😀 U can call hubby J. Our nickname for him is jer bear, but j is good too. So... To try to answer your questions...

The week leading up to our night out, we had discussed some things. Like me asking her, "2 hotel rooms or 1?" And "There's a whirlpool there, u can bring your bathing suit if you want," etc. Basically, we all were planning it ahead if time without actually admitting it to each other out right. To give way too many details

~~ plz don't read below here if you're not comfortable reading details ~~

We had a good dinner. Went to Meijer for alcohol and snacks. J (tall, bald, tattooed truck driver) put some colorful reindeer antlers on, walked around the store and made us laugh. We went back to the hotel, started drinking and playing cards against humanity. Decided to get in the whirlpool. So I say, "let me get my suit" (honestly to make sure her mind was where mine was) and she tells me she forgot hers. So I say no prob, I'm awesome with being naked. 😊 We take our clothes off (j sitting there acting like he's not looking) and get in the heart shaped tub. So we are chilling, talking, etc. We tell j to strip and get in. I'm on his lap, she's next to us, and he all sly like starts playing with her amazing nipples. He asks if it's ok. She says it's more than ok. Then we stopped. Her and I get out, get towels on, and sit on the edge of the tub. We all talk about what's about to happen. Yes, we were drunk, but not like incoherent. We all still had our heads. At that point, we all agreed that that night was a no strings, just sex night. Moon kissed me for the first time. It was amazing and beautiful. After it stopped, she stands up and says "holy shit I just kissed Erin!" Lol. Moon and me then went outside, had a cigarette, and talked more. Boundaries, whats coming, how will I feel if, etc. Then we went in, got naked again, and went to the bed.
To start it was kind of awkward. This was mine and J's first threesome of any kind. So we all kinda said, where do we start? (Fun fact: j and me, in the last 2 years, have been sort of into BDSM but only in the bedroom. I'm a total submissive..). So Moon and I told j to tell us what to do... He apparently just blanked. So, to my own surprise, (I had been lusting after her for a lil bit tho) I took control. I kissed her all over, and went down on her until she squeezed my head with her thighs and moaned so loud. Meanwhile she's giving j a hand job, and he's whispering in her ear asking how much she's enjoying what I'm doing... After she came, I got on my back and she did the same to me. J was eating her while she was eating me. Then he started fucking her doggy style while she was kissing and eating me. After he came, yes, it was over. Sadly lol. But it was amazing. The drunk didn't matter, we had all been thinking of this for weeks before. The alcohol only helped us get past our learned inhibitions enough to do what we wanted to do. The sex ended up being way more than just sex. It was tender, caring, loving. We ended up sharing more than just our bodies.

As for what I mean by kiss and grope: short kisses, no tongue. Butt grabs. Long hugs. Cuddles on the couch when we're chilling with the kids. Innocent things, kinda.

We have been in the mood, it's been more lack of opportunity. We both have two boys each. Hers are 7 and 13. They love me, always have. When I go there, they don't leave us alone. Top it off, she is originally from Alaska. Her dad still works there, so like he's here 10 days at a time, then goes back to Alaska for a couple weeks. He's been in town so she's had a lot of family commitments. I (hope, long as dad doesn't need her) to finally get her here tonight for dinner, cuz we have 2 Xboxes and it's incredibly easy to distract the kids and lock ourselves in my bedroom. Plus, the dogs keep the kids busy too lol. But we are both missing the physical. She asked me for nekkid pics lol.

We have already consented and talked about the one on one sex, and all of us are great with it. Tbh, I get kinda horny thinking about them together. But, we both are seriously looking forward to when j gets home Saturday. *Wink wink*

And I am in agreement with you on one thing - I'd rather be high than drunk... Which is why I was also vaping thc juice the whole night... (Yes, that is why my name is what it is, I'm a functional hippie lol who smokes daily and still can be responsible.. sry hate the negative stigma attached to everyday smokers). But being as high is more natural to me than even being sober, the alcohol did help my awkwardness...

No, Moon does not have another partner. It's just us three and our kids. Her kids dad died a couple years ago. As for defining it... After posting here, reading through things, and talking to j...
I asked him this morning.. "are we dating her, or are we basically proposing to her, like getting engaged to her?". His answer was that we are proposing to her. So I brought up rings. Now I get to pick one out for her, but I kind of got this idea that we could each get 3 small bands to symbolize our triad. Still tossing that idea around. Legally, yes, we will have to figure it out, but I do know an ordained person who would gladly symbolically marry us.

So basically, yes, there was alcohol involved, but it wasn't exactly what I'd call drunken sex. It was talked about and dissected weeks before it happened. When the foreplay began, we basically let her lead us, because going in me and J's primary concern was her comfort. Because we didn't want to do something to ruin the friendship.

I realize there is NRE involved... But I also have learned how to step outside myself and be rational in emotional times. (I've had to learn this, I'm very emotional lol and very empathetic). I know this girl well enough to know that it wasn't the sex that made me love her. That just brought the three of us closer. It was all of her, who she is, what she's been through, her strength, weaknesses...

I've been educating myself as much as possible, and so has j, just so we can make this work. I'm here for that reason. I'm not usually an internet person. These responses take me like 30 mins to type from my phone. It's worth it though. Any insight and help is good. We are willing to do anything to make sure it works. We understand that what we have is rare - way before internet searches it was just an inherent feeling. I will do anything to hold onto it, and foster a healthy triad. I, we, know it will be far from easy. It will take work and compromise... But any relationship worth having does.

Magdlyn, thank you so much for the feedback. It is great to meet you, fellow hippie. 😉

Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
I looked at your Intro thread. So the gf is Moonshine. What should we call your guy, other than hubby?

So, since he left on his latest trip, you and Moonshine have "kissed and groped," but not "had sex."

As part lesbian, I consider kissing and groping (touching boobs and pussy and ass), sex. You don't?

Maybe you haven't penetrated each other, or done oral? Is that the line?

Have you just not been in the mood for more activities, or are you (or Moonshine) holding back because hubby isn't there? Did he request you and Moonshine not "have sex" while he's away?

Do you plan to all consent to one on one sex? You and hubby, you and Moonshine, hubby and Moonshine? Or is all "sex" (however you agree to define that) now to be only between the 3 of you?

Sometimes newly Open couples still have one on one sex, while not consenting to the new person's ability to have one on one sex with either of the established couple.

...Just one more thing to consider in a triad that is trying for "equality."
Reply With Quote
  #18  
Old 12-05-2018, 09:31 PM
kdt26417's Avatar
kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
Official Greeter
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Yelm, Washington
Posts: 16,522
Default

Hi Erin,

Thanks for sharing more of your story, it sounds like the three of you have a natural vibe with each other, your night at the hotel was awesome. Continue to talk with each other, I'm sure the talking will be easier/more natural when Jer Bear gets home.

Regards,
Kevin T.
__________________
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
Reply With Quote
  #19  
Old 12-05-2018, 09:52 PM
Magdlyn's Avatar
Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 6,847
Default

OK, JerBear it is. We ask for names rather than initials too. Much easier to remember. Unless you call him Jay, as in weed lol. That's a word not a letter.

Anyway!

So you and JerBear have known Moonshine for just a few months. But you all 3 get along so great, and your kids get along so great, you've decided to get engaged. Some people do this, in mono relationships too.

NRE lasts, usually, 6-18 months. So you're in the early stages of NRE still. The general feeling is, it takes about 12 months for most people's NRE to start to wear off. That's when you've probably been through some struggles together and seen each other's true character under duress, etc. You're no longer idealizing them in the first rush of discovery.

Also, I see there was more planning and innuendo before the 3way sex night than I first understood. Although you all didn't say, this is going to be a sex night, ahead of time, it was understood there would be a shared room with a heart shaped tub! And Moonshine just happened to forget her bathing suit! And you and JerBear just happened to not mind if everyone was naked!

I hope you 3 are deeply compatible and things still keeping going great.

Maybe don't rush the wedding and the moving in together bit. By the end of the school year, in 2019, you'll have all been together a year? Then make more changes if all is still well?
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

Mags (poly, F, 63)
Pixi (poly, F, 41) my nesting partner since January 2009
Master, (mono, M, 37), Pixi's bf since April 2013
BigGuy (poly, M, married, 43, dating me since late summer 2018)
Ravi (poly, M, married, 37, dating me since late summer 2018)
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 07:34 PM.