Happy with new relationship-domestic hell

cori

New member
I am new to Polyamourous relationships, but Im very confused
I have been married for 14 years , we have two children. I had been unhappy in our marriage and in myself for a long time. I had tried to talk to my husband about my issues but our communication has been pretty poor which i suppose has lead to relationship breakdown. About two years ago I started chatting online and got to know various people. I finally admitted to myself that my relationship was not working and I was amazed that i could communicate openly with new people and get the responses i needed. My confidence grew and i started to explore the possibility of finding a new relationship. At the same time I still cared for my husband and he is a good dad, the possibility of seperation seemed inconcievable due to our finacial situation. We stopped having sex about 18 months ago , moved into seperate rooms etc. He seemed to accept this and did not try an alter things. Meanwhile i started dating, he was aware of this but I wasnt totally upfront about it (meaning I didnt tell him 'im going out with x tonight) . At the end of last year i met someone new who is openly polyamarous. The chemistry was instant, and I was/am impressed by his ability to communicate openly and honestly and his ability to face at difficult issues head on.
I told my husband about this relationship early on, he is still having a lot of difficulty accepting it. Despite the fact that we have had no intimate relationship in almost 2 years he still sees it as cheating. I know he is hurting still, but i dont know what I can do help him with that. I really value my new relationship, i feel ive come out of the closet with my thoughts feelings and sexuality. I cant let that go.
What else can I do to help my husband.?:confused: I know im still hurting him, but i have to be true to myself.
 
I think you guys need to go your separate ways. Your new interest may be poly and that may be the way you decide to go with your life, but it doesn't seem like your hubby really is wired that way. Again, that's ok but it seems to me that the best course of action is that you and he go your separate ways and you live your life. JMO of course and good luck.
 
I told my husband about this relationship early on, he is still having a lot of difficulty accepting it. Despite the fact that we have had no intimate relationship in almost 2 years he still sees it as cheating. I know he is hurting still, but i dont know what I can do help him with that. I really value my new relationship, i feel ive come out of the closet with my thoughts feelings and sexuality. I cant let that go.
What else can I do to help my husband.?:confused: I know im still hurting him, but i have to be true to myself.

Have you tried to work through why your husband has disconnected with you? Sought counselling? Maybe he was distancing himself for a reason.

Also, he may still value his relationship with you, but not need sex. By going to someone else for sex and loving you may just be rubbing salt in a wound you don't know about.

Usually the rule of thumb is to not to involve a poly relationship until the other relationships involved are healthy. Yours, with your husband, is not healthy. It wasn't healthy before poly and won't be because of poly. :)

Poly, imo, isn't about finding other people to fill those huge gaps your other partners don't fill...I don't love other people because my wife doesn't do it for me anymore...I love other people because I love other people. Period.
 
Its just not possible to go our seperate ways at the moment. Its a finacial issue.

I tried the counselling approach , i asked him to seek counselling for his issues as I had done for mine. We tried relationship counselling so we could at the very least try to be friends but he didnt want to really engage with the process.
Im not expecting my relationship to be healthy because i am with someone else.
I just want to work out how to have this new relationship which is important to me, and not to hurt him too much in the process. Its a very difficult situation, and id wondered if anyone else managed this.

By the way, i think i probably or could be polyamorous, ive never really felt monogamus. I am quite inspired by the possibilities when the communication is so open and honest.
 
Im not expecting my relationship to be healthy because i am with someone else.

You miss my point. Moving onto a secondary relationship while the primary is not working is asking for some problems. Thats all. Sorry if I wasnt clear, that happens sometimes :)

I just want to work out how to have this new relationship which is important to me, and not to hurt him too much in the process. Its a very difficult situation, and id wondered if anyone else managed this.

If he doesn't want to open up
if he doesn't want to communicate
If he doesn't want counselling
if he doesn't want to work on the relationship (monogamous or otherwise)
If you REALLY can't leave

Than I believe you are running into a big ole wall. I would say he is holding you emotionally hostage to be honest. You can't do what you are trying to do without hurting him. Have you tried getting him to read any of the information about being in an open relationship.

Opening Up (very polyscentric)
Ethical Slut (about open relationships in general)
http://www.xeromag.com/fvpoly.html

Maybe he is a quiet introspective guy that needs to figure this out on his own...hopefully getting him to read on it will help.
 
I realize your marriage isn't working out how YOU planned it, but it takes two to tango and yes, you have and are cheating as far as I am concerned.

If you really aren't happy and he really isn't willing to do the work to reconnect with you then I think you both need to find good therapists to work on getting through the pain you have caused by taking this path way back when you were not getting your needs met and decided to take the road of deciet rather than integrity. I suggest you also find a good lawyer and that he does too and work on your separation. There is no good reason to stay it seems and I'm sorry, finances are not a good enough reason just as kids aren't. It may take time, but it is possible.

I'm really quite dismayed that a poly guy would be interested in engaging with a cheating woman. Not very poly and a tad opportunist. What's he thinking!

You've got some work to do it seems to make this right. Lots to talk about with your husband. You broke trust with him sex or no sex. Intimacy or no intimacy. Just because your marriage wasn't going to your plan doesn't give you the right to become selfish. Rather it was time to get to the bottom of it and not be complacent. You missed the boat to sorting it out in both your best interest really. So get to work and do it now would be my suggestion.

Now, I realize this post will be uncomfortable and not be what you want to hear and for that I apoligize. From the info given and from my experience, its my opinion and you can take it or leave it. Your choice :)
 
RedPepper
that is really Judgemental, i dont see how my new relationship is cheating as I am open about what is going on AND the intimate and emotional relationship with my husband ended a long time ago. Where is the deciet?
I agree it takes two to tango and we both have responsibility for the breakdown of the marriage. What I am trying to do is salvage some kind of friendship because we have spent many years together, have had many wonderful experiences and have two beautiful children. At the moment it is IMPOSSIBLE to go seperate ways, eventually yes. Good therapists and Good Lawyers cost lots of money of which we dont have at the moment.
I am also stunned that ANYONE choose to become involved with me given the difficulty of my situation.

Arikas,
Thanks for pointing out that that. I would like him to read something about open relationships, he is pretty much considers that polyamory is a tool of the devil.
I do feel I am being kept an emotional hostage to a degree.
 
Red, I have to agree that was a bit harsh. Granted you said as much in your post, but without knowing all of the given circumstances of their situation it's very difficult to make some of the comments that you made. I understand that you have a great deal of experience and knowledge in regards to polyamory and that is a very valuable tool to all of us, but that last post definitely came across as a bit harsh.

Not every situation is the same and can be handled using the same methods or tactics. I agree that I think it's time for cori to move on as funds are no reason to stay with someone, but I also understand that it does indeed take money to get a divorce. Cori may just need time to get the funds in order to make that happen.

I do love your posts and again you know I think you're very informative and I hope you know that my post is merely my opinion. :)
 
Its true, you say you are and have been up front about this new relationship, and that is commendable. What I am referring to is where you started this journey. It seems to be where his lack of mistrust of you comes from. That and it sounds like you just told him you were dating someone else rather than talking with him about opening your relationship. Also the fact that you told him you were "just going out with so and so" is not telling him the whole truth.

I heard you when you said that you were not communcating and drifted apart, but I am wondering what his story is on that? That doesn't just happen.

Look, you seem to have a lot of support on this thread for the misery you have gone through. That's great, I feel for you too, but there are two sides to why people drift apart and I see some holes in the story and wonder about them is all.

Good luck. I suggest you have a good read around and elsewhere if you haven't already. I think you may find that honesty and openess are generally seen as the best ways to successful poly lifestyles. Not just in communicating but in how we live overall. As is empathy for our partners.

Why I am defending this guy I have no idea. I really have no invested interest or reason. I just think some kind of advocate on his behalf is needed as he sounds in a really desperate situation. I feel for him as much as I do for you.
 
Actually, I think Red Pepper has a good read on this.

What else can I do to help my husband.?:confused: I know im still hurting him, but i have to be true to myself.

Well, you could help him by not doing things that hurt him until after you have the financial resources to end the relationship completely, which certainly sounds to me like what needs to happen here.
 
That could take years really. Life is too short.
I think I will leave this forum and find a divorce/ seperation one.
But then no one there will understand polyamory. :(
 
It's all fine and dandy for everyone to sit in their privileged lives and say "you need to get divorced" ... when they're not the ones who will be out on the street, with no health care, scrounging for a roof over their head, struggling to make ends meet.

I'm actually going to take a completely different side from everyone else.

It sounds like "the romantic and loving version" of your marriage is over. But if you and your husband still have friendship, if you still enjoy each other's company, you enjoy sharing household responsibilities but just don't have sexual feelings for one another anymore, then what right does anyone else have to dictate how your marriage is allowed to look?

As I see it, the issue is that you need love, romance, and sex, and perhaps your husband does not. It sounds to me that you've made every effort to make your marriage work, and that your husband has just dug in his heals and given up.

I've heard about couples who "grew apart" as lovers but were still close as friends and were happy living together as room mates. In the US, marriage is a very beneficial social arrangement.

i dont see how my new relationship is cheating as I am open about what is going on AND the intimate and emotional relationship with my husband ended a long time ago.

If I walk in to a store and say "I'm going to take this candy bar without paying for it" and the clerk says "no, you're not allowed" and then I do it anyway, would you agree that's called stealing?

If you're having sex with someone outside your marriage and your husband does not consent, then that's commonly referred to as cheating. Regardless of how you felt about your marriage not satisfying your needs, it's unrealistic to expect your husband to just be ok with the thought of his wife in another man's arms.

I suggest you also find a good lawyer and that he does too and work on your separation. There is no good reason to stay it seems and I'm sorry, finances are not a good enough reason just as kids aren't. It may take time, but it is possible.

RedPepper, we need to remember that we are SO LUCKY to live in Canada, where at the bare minimum, you always know that if you get really sick and need to be hospitalized, your government will take care of that. But if this woman had given up her career to raise children and were relying on her husband's health benefits for her $1,500 per month medical treatment, then divorce could literally mean her death. We have no idea what her situation is, so it's over-simplistic to say "finances are not a good enough reason."

Things can be so much more complex than just "both of you are not happy, the only recourse is divorce." If it were simply a matter of "I wouldn't be able to go on my cruises if we got divorced" then you would have a point. But in the States, their government has made marriage into so much more than a simple institution. Losing your marriage can have beyond-drastic consequences, to the point of some people paying 50% of their salary to each of 3 women... now how are you supposed to make $150,000 alimony payments on a $100,000 salary?
 
You are right sch, it is a privelege to marry and it is also, for some, to divorce. But I think anyone could separate. That to me is not a privilege.

I have been supporting my tersiary these last couple of months as his arrangement with his wife has crumbled. I see many similarities to this situation. Actually, its right down to the tee except that my tersiary now has a girlfriend and me.

For YEARS they played the "we can't afford it" card about splitting up and getting two places and now its a freakin nightmare with two kids in the middle. They should of split the house when they were still being civil to one another and not when neither could stand each other any more. To sit and say, "I can't do it" just isn't acceptable to me. There is always something to do. Even if its just a change in attitude from "I can't" to, "I will." just a start is acceptable to me, because this situation I am convinced, will self distruct. Especially that the op seems to be in a state of denial. At least that is what I get from it.
 
You are right sch, it is a privelege to marry and it is also, for some, to divorce. But I think anyone could separate. That to me is not a privilege.

I have been supporting my tersiary these last couple of months as his arrangement with his wife has crumbled. I see many similarities to this situation. Actually, its right down to the tee except that my tersiary now has a girlfriend and me.

For YEARS they played the "we can't afford it" card about splitting up and getting two places and now its a freakin nightmare with two kids in the middle. They should of split the house when they were still being civil to one another and not when neither could stand each other any more. To sit and say, "I can't do it" just isn't acceptable to me. There is always something to do. Even if its just a change in attitude from "I can't" to, "I will." just a start is acceptable to me, because this situation I am convinced, will self distruct. Especially that the op seems to be in a state of denial. At least that is what I get from it.

While I agree with your overall post, you gotta remember that what's not acceptable for you, may be perfectly ok with someone else. Without knowing all of the history between them, how can you say what's acceptable in her life?

I'm not trying to be a d-bag about this but I always find it tough to just sit quietly when someone seems to be forcing their views on someone else. Now, I'm fairly certain that's not what you're doing, but you are definitely coming across as "you're stupid for not doing this". I mean no disrespect, just expressing my opinion.
 
While I agree with your overall post, you gotta remember that what's not acceptable for you, may be perfectly ok with someone else. Without knowing all of the history between them, how can you say what's acceptable in her life?

I'm not trying to be a d-bag about this but I always find it tough to just sit quietly when someone seems to be forcing their views on someone else. Now, I'm fairly certain that's not what you're doing, but you are definitely coming across as "you're stupid for not doing this". I mean no disrespect, just expressing my opinion.

I very much bring my own stuff in on this one as it is very fresh for me. That bit you *bolded* is most definitely my own shit. Point taken.
 
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That is kind of the point of a forum setup though, ideally people with different opinions all post on a related topic and the person can make as an informed decision as possible with non professional opinionators. I don't always agree with RP, and she likely doesn't always agree with me, but having the differing opinion there gives great food for thought :)

I do hope people don't post on this site expecting everyone to agree wholeheartedly...sometimes a smack upside the head is needed :)
 
Did you say the magic word AK? *smacking* I have been known to give a good smacking sometimes. ;)

That's why I called myself redpepper. Its all good and then comes the bite. :D

Seriously though, I don't think she is stupid, I do think a lot of other things though, but what's the point? She isn't interested in changing, just dealing. I have nothing to say on that. And that is fine. We all do what we need to to survive. I just prefer to thrive rather than survive and she seems to have a difference of opinion on that for herself.
 
That is kind of the point of a forum setup though, ideally people with different opinions all post on a related topic and the person can make as an informed decision as possible with non professional opinionators. I don't always agree with RP, and she likely doesn't always agree with me, but having the differing opinion there gives great food for thought :)

I do hope people don't post on this site expecting everyone to agree wholeheartedly...sometimes a smack upside the head is needed :)

Totally agree with you Ariakas, but that "smack" can be delivered in a fashion that maybe isn't as harsh. Believe me I'm all for telling it like it is, but I try to do so in a fashion that is more constructive than criticism and that stems from years of arguments between my wife and I. :D
 
Not buying it

Danny, I found it a little incongruous to read that last post of yours and then your tag line, which discourages excuses for not living every day as if it were your last.

Of course no one on here knows the full situation of anyone posting, but what I respond to, Cori, if you haven't left the forum because you got an opinion you didn't like, is that the OP started out describing how long this bad situation has been going on. I'm sure we all have compassion for the misery Cori wrote about, but part of support is telling the hard truth as we see it to someone who is too enmeshed in the situation to see clearly.
Here's what we do know:

I have been married for 14 years , we have two children. I had been unhappy in our marriage and in myself for a long time. I had tried to talk to my husband about my issues but our communication has been pretty poor which i suppose has lead to relationship breakdown. About two years ago I started chatting online and got to know various people.

Who knows how long "a long time" is.

We stopped having sex about 18 months ago , moved into seperate rooms etc. He seemed to accept this and did not try an alter things. Meanwhile i started dating, he was aware of this but I wasnt totally upfront about it (meaning I didnt tell him 'im going out with x tonight) .

So now we know Cori started talking to people online, stopped having sex with her husband shortly thereafter, and began dating other people without being "upfront" about it.


I told my husband about this relationship early on, he is still having a lot of difficulty accepting it. Despite the fact that we have had no intimate relationship in almost 2 years he still sees it as cheating.

Well, it is. You are still married to him and he does consent to this.

Cori's husband has stayed around for two years (at least), unhappy, not consenting to the circumstances of his life, and Cori has continued to engage in other relationships regardless of the fact that her marriage is dead and she knows she is hurting the father of her children, whose finances are somehow tied to hers in an "inextricable" way.


What else can I do to help my husband.?:confused: I know im still hurting him, but i have to be true to myself.

You can't help him. He needs to help himself, and you are exactly right that you are responsible for being true to yourself, Cori. You said that getting a divorce could take years? After all these years of being unhappy for both of you (and your kids!)? I live in the States, and I'm sure your financial stuation complicates things, but I could a divorce from my husband inside two weeks for under a thousand dollars.

I know I don't know you, Cori, and you may have already left because some of us are not buying the fact that you are a helpless victim here just trying to do the right thing. From an outside perspective, which I think is what you came here for, both you and your husband are too afraid to end a marriage that keeps you comfortably miserable. It really is out of concern for all involved that I say- after all these years and all this hurt, there is no excuse for prolonging it another moment unless you just don't want to, in which case, this will be your life for years to come and you have no one to blame but yourself. How are you ever going to have something real and fulfilling in your life within these painful and disconnected circumstances?

Be brave woman, there's always a way. You can start right now figuring it out if you can take responsibility for it.

I am sorry you are all hurting. I hope to hell you figure it out because life is too short and nothing worth having can be had without risk of losing everything. Don't be afraid, you can do this and be a happier woman, better mother, and better partner for it.

-R
 
RP, a good smack can be good fun sometimes :)

Danny, I understand what you are saying. Being diplomatic sometimes just doesn't cut the mustard...

To the op, my first marriage rings very in line with this topic. Almost dead on, albeit the ages are different (I was 23ish she was 28 and we had been together 7 years). As the guy in this equation I had simply given up. I didn't even know why...post relationship I realized I had fallen out of love, for many reasons. Regardless of a lack of passion, I had no affection for her, no excitement. She had begun going out, dating and generally ignoring me. We ended up in separate rooms and living different lives.

The best thing she ever did to me was cheat (ps, I knew the entire time, I knew she was dating, she asked permission, I didn't care about anything...but in the end she cheated because I was not in a place to make those decisions, I don't blame her for cheating btw...I was in no place to be in a relationship with her...). It lit something inside of me....FEELINGS...I had become so cold and indifferent I had forgotten what any feeling was like. I strolled through my dad's death, didn't care about my partner, discarded friends. I saw my life as a series of credits rolling up the screen. Her being with someone else...woke me right up. We split shortly thereafter and had some great hate sex btw.

I don't know the entirety of your situation, I understand what RP is saying, because to be honest, I wish my friends had had the gonads to smack her upside the head and force the situation...I wish my friends had had the gonads to tell me how much they disliked her and how much they wanted me out of the relationship. People who are nice and kind and polite...are great...but sometimes, it takes the harsh reality to be thrown in your face....

Again, I don't know details of your situation. Your story resonates with me because I can relate to the partner. In the same breath, as me NOW...I completely respect RP's viewpoint as well...I don't even know if you will read this, but I still wish you luck. I came out the otherside of this a much ... different person, lets just say I took a 180 in my life in almost every aspect of it. Much stronger and more in tune. That was a huge life lesson for me...
 
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