Hello everyone
I just introduced myself on the introductions section and, as I started to rant about my actual situation, I decided I'd segment it and post it where it should be, which is here!
Thing is, I 've been poly all my life but I've been trying hard to be monogamous since it's way less complicated emotionally and generally easier to work with in life and I tend to fall in love with monogamous people which I don't want to give up on.
I had a girlfriend that lasted longer than any of my relationships, about 4 years, and was the only one that I've had until now in which I felt kinda monogamous BUT, turns out it was just co-dependance, jealousy, low self esteem and so.
There's that.
Now I've been dating a guy for about one and a half years and having the most healthy relationship in a looong time but of course, he is monogamous.
We moved in together about three months ago and I was excited because this was my first time doing so with a partner and I felt really happy for myself ( I deal with BPD, so yeah this is a huge step).
First time that I was having a sexual situation with someone else in this relationship was about 6 months ago or so, with one of my best girlfriends. This is tricky cause being poly and bisexual you kind of always are missing something and well, the bond that I tend to have with women is way more magnetic that the one I could have with men. So I really couldn't or didn't want to help it and I went for it. This has happened over 5 times now and i didn't really fell bad for it because you know, as I see it, monogamy is full of secrets and as long as the relationship is still going ok I wouldn't be bothered BUT, about a month ago, I had sex with an ex boyfriend. I was reeeeaally hesitant but finally gave up my weird monogamous inner restriction (which for me is obviously artificial so, it is not strong), and had sex with him.
I felt weird and bad. Bad for something I couldn't really figure out but I felt horribly. When I talked about it in therapy conclusions were that I was not to feel bad about myself but for myself, since the real problem there is that I was suffering massively for not being able to communicate this to my partner, not being able to be myself with the person that I deeply love and who never ever hurt me. And I feel that being myself was going to hurt him, as it did with several of my past relationships.
My therapist made an really interesting comparison about being poly with being homosexual and coming out of the closet.
When you have spent all your life with people telling you that you are a freak, that you are just careless about who you love, that you are selfish, that you can't make up your mind, that you are not right well then, you start to believe that and start to imitate whoever has it nice for themselves in life. In this case, monogamous people. In the case of homosexuals, straight people.
We often play games on ourselves and try yo be someone else just because of societal pressure and the pain that it gives us and it is actual hell to confront this and not getting harmed in the process. We find it easier to lie to ourselves, ignore who we are cause "we are not right" and go on with a full show. Well I at least I did.
But turns out this this is just emerging as an air balloon in the middle of the ocean and I can't drown myself anymore.
I kind of broke up with him, told him that I needed to be alone now, that some things in the relationship weren't working for me but then we spoke in person and I fell into tears and felt that I loved him even told him that I didn't want this to be definitive. He loves me and he's being patient. But now I have to make my move and tell him about what has been happening, because I am gonna be suffering until the moment I tell him and it is so.incredibly.difficult to deal with these feelings yet again.
I feel I'm gonna be rejected, cut off and ignored and it scares the hell out of me but, fear is just a step in accepting you for who you are.
Anyway, I was wondering if any of you would like to comment something about this, about anything really. I'm looking for empathy, advice and new perspectives so don't be afraid and talk to this stranger
Thanks for your time, you have already supported me
<3
I just introduced myself on the introductions section and, as I started to rant about my actual situation, I decided I'd segment it and post it where it should be, which is here!
Thing is, I 've been poly all my life but I've been trying hard to be monogamous since it's way less complicated emotionally and generally easier to work with in life and I tend to fall in love with monogamous people which I don't want to give up on.
I had a girlfriend that lasted longer than any of my relationships, about 4 years, and was the only one that I've had until now in which I felt kinda monogamous BUT, turns out it was just co-dependance, jealousy, low self esteem and so.
There's that.
Now I've been dating a guy for about one and a half years and having the most healthy relationship in a looong time but of course, he is monogamous.
We moved in together about three months ago and I was excited because this was my first time doing so with a partner and I felt really happy for myself ( I deal with BPD, so yeah this is a huge step).
First time that I was having a sexual situation with someone else in this relationship was about 6 months ago or so, with one of my best girlfriends. This is tricky cause being poly and bisexual you kind of always are missing something and well, the bond that I tend to have with women is way more magnetic that the one I could have with men. So I really couldn't or didn't want to help it and I went for it. This has happened over 5 times now and i didn't really fell bad for it because you know, as I see it, monogamy is full of secrets and as long as the relationship is still going ok I wouldn't be bothered BUT, about a month ago, I had sex with an ex boyfriend. I was reeeeaally hesitant but finally gave up my weird monogamous inner restriction (which for me is obviously artificial so, it is not strong), and had sex with him.
I felt weird and bad. Bad for something I couldn't really figure out but I felt horribly. When I talked about it in therapy conclusions were that I was not to feel bad about myself but for myself, since the real problem there is that I was suffering massively for not being able to communicate this to my partner, not being able to be myself with the person that I deeply love and who never ever hurt me. And I feel that being myself was going to hurt him, as it did with several of my past relationships.
My therapist made an really interesting comparison about being poly with being homosexual and coming out of the closet.
When you have spent all your life with people telling you that you are a freak, that you are just careless about who you love, that you are selfish, that you can't make up your mind, that you are not right well then, you start to believe that and start to imitate whoever has it nice for themselves in life. In this case, monogamous people. In the case of homosexuals, straight people.
We often play games on ourselves and try yo be someone else just because of societal pressure and the pain that it gives us and it is actual hell to confront this and not getting harmed in the process. We find it easier to lie to ourselves, ignore who we are cause "we are not right" and go on with a full show. Well I at least I did.
But turns out this this is just emerging as an air balloon in the middle of the ocean and I can't drown myself anymore.
I kind of broke up with him, told him that I needed to be alone now, that some things in the relationship weren't working for me but then we spoke in person and I fell into tears and felt that I loved him even told him that I didn't want this to be definitive. He loves me and he's being patient. But now I have to make my move and tell him about what has been happening, because I am gonna be suffering until the moment I tell him and it is so.incredibly.difficult to deal with these feelings yet again.
I feel I'm gonna be rejected, cut off and ignored and it scares the hell out of me but, fear is just a step in accepting you for who you are.
Anyway, I was wondering if any of you would like to comment something about this, about anything really. I'm looking for empathy, advice and new perspectives so don't be afraid and talk to this stranger
Thanks for your time, you have already supported me
<3
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