Carma
New member
It's so ironic. Five years ago, Sundance suspected I had feelings for Butch. He broke into my locked briefcase, to read my private journals. I had written a few things down, that I had a secret crush.
(I freaked out, that he had invaded my privacy. Felt emotionally raped. But..... he had suspicions, that were not entirely imagined, so I SORT OF figured it was "justified," right?)
I admitted to the feelings. But I promised not to act on them, and I reassured Sundance that I loved him and wanted our marriage.
After that, Sundance started snooping through everything he could find, everything I wrote down. He was obsessed! He wanted to know what was in my head, in my heart. He was devastated to think I had feelings for anyone but him. I was equally devastated that he kept invading my privacy.
My friendship with Butch progressed and deepened and eventually crossed over into a mutual emotional affair, then stolen physical moments of hugging and kissing, then a blow job. Sundance suspected all along. But I downplayed my involvement. Then Sundance hid audio tapes in our house, and heard us on tape.
(Again, I was freaked out that he had spied on me and taped me, but this time I figured, he was really justified).
I confessed. I said I love you, Sundance, I want to stay married to you. I will stop with him. I fought my feelings, and there were stretches of months where I stayed away from Butch. I would journal through my feelings, hoping to get them out, hoping they would go away. I journal to get honest with myself -- I HAD to, for my sanity. Sundance would still read my journals, all the time. I would hide them, he would find them. I would rip things up. I was a paranoid wreck.
After months of trying, and fighting, I broke my promise, AGAIN. Sundance taped me again. And caught us again, early on.
Finally, I admitted -- I was in love with Butch, and I couldn't help myself, and I was not going to stop. But I loved Sundance and wanted our family to stay together. So .... we agreed to a V, and I found this forum!
After we agreed to poly -- I found tapes hidden under my bed. Sundance was secretly taping Butch and I, having sex! Even after we had all agreed to it, and we were being 100% honest! I thought it was just because he was getting an erotic, voyeuristic thrill -- which was partly his motive. But he was also scared that we were lying to him -- that we were secretly plotting to run off together.
Once he realized (from spying on us and listening to the tapes) that we were being 100% honest, that we weren't planning to run off, AND I FREAKED OUT ON HIM FOR SPYING ON ME, after he SWORE AND SWORE AND SWORE he wasn't doing it anymore..... he stopped.
Ironic then, that he hardly gives TWO SHITS now about what I blog here. He is only interested in the things I want to hide. He is only interested in my SECRETS. Kind of creepy.
Then again, now look who's being paranoid, suspicious, and all obsessed with HIS true feelings? Yeah, me. I'm creepy, too.
(I freaked out, that he had invaded my privacy. Felt emotionally raped. But..... he had suspicions, that were not entirely imagined, so I SORT OF figured it was "justified," right?)
I admitted to the feelings. But I promised not to act on them, and I reassured Sundance that I loved him and wanted our marriage.
After that, Sundance started snooping through everything he could find, everything I wrote down. He was obsessed! He wanted to know what was in my head, in my heart. He was devastated to think I had feelings for anyone but him. I was equally devastated that he kept invading my privacy.
My friendship with Butch progressed and deepened and eventually crossed over into a mutual emotional affair, then stolen physical moments of hugging and kissing, then a blow job. Sundance suspected all along. But I downplayed my involvement. Then Sundance hid audio tapes in our house, and heard us on tape.
(Again, I was freaked out that he had spied on me and taped me, but this time I figured, he was really justified).
I confessed. I said I love you, Sundance, I want to stay married to you. I will stop with him. I fought my feelings, and there were stretches of months where I stayed away from Butch. I would journal through my feelings, hoping to get them out, hoping they would go away. I journal to get honest with myself -- I HAD to, for my sanity. Sundance would still read my journals, all the time. I would hide them, he would find them. I would rip things up. I was a paranoid wreck.
After months of trying, and fighting, I broke my promise, AGAIN. Sundance taped me again. And caught us again, early on.
Finally, I admitted -- I was in love with Butch, and I couldn't help myself, and I was not going to stop. But I loved Sundance and wanted our family to stay together. So .... we agreed to a V, and I found this forum!
After we agreed to poly -- I found tapes hidden under my bed. Sundance was secretly taping Butch and I, having sex! Even after we had all agreed to it, and we were being 100% honest! I thought it was just because he was getting an erotic, voyeuristic thrill -- which was partly his motive. But he was also scared that we were lying to him -- that we were secretly plotting to run off together.
Once he realized (from spying on us and listening to the tapes) that we were being 100% honest, that we weren't planning to run off, AND I FREAKED OUT ON HIM FOR SPYING ON ME, after he SWORE AND SWORE AND SWORE he wasn't doing it anymore..... he stopped.
Ironic then, that he hardly gives TWO SHITS now about what I blog here. He is only interested in the things I want to hide. He is only interested in my SECRETS. Kind of creepy.
Then again, now look who's being paranoid, suspicious, and all obsessed with HIS true feelings? Yeah, me. I'm creepy, too.
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