Moving to a new life

beguilingheart

New member
My husband and I have been together for over 4 years, we married about 1 1/2 years ago. When we first started seeing each other, I asked how he would feel about having an open relationship. He felt that it would be something he could be interested in. I explained that I had fallen in love with him and that I have had issues with being monogamous in most of my relationships, and I did not want to cheat on him or have secrets. He agreed.
We continued to be monogamous until this last winter. He met someone and they fell in love. They have met and it was decided that she would move in with us.
Next week my husband and I will be moving away from all of our family and friends, and his girlfriend will be moving in with us either in January or in May.
I am not really sure how to deal with any of this. She is 10 years younger than me. She has no career goals, nor does she have any real ambition to do much of anything. The majority of the conversations we have had together are her asking me why my husband is not texting her. I find her dull, immature and not all that intelligent. I honestly don't see my husband staying with her for a long time. I don't want to leave my husband and I would prefer to just be neutral until this plays itself out. I do not want to manipulate either of them.

I don't have anyone I can talk about this with. I have a boyfriend and I do not like to discuss my relationship issues with him.

I have tried to bring up real concerns, like what do we tell our families, especially when/if they visit. I was told to let it all go and to not worry about potential issues down the line.

So I guess I am just a little lost and could use a friend or someone to just talk to. If anyone has any advice or has been through this or is lonely and needs a friend.. I guess drop me a line.

Thanks.
 
I have tried to bring up real concerns, like what do we tell our families, especially when/if they visit. I was told to let it all go and to not worry about potential issues down the line.

It isn't like worry is a "faucet" you can turn on and off just because someone else says so.

What would you propose as a solution? Calling her a roomie? What does she propose? He propose?

So that you can feel at least less worried even if not worry free?

Would you feel better being "out" the families now?

Galagirl
 
He met someone and they fell in love. They have met and it was decided that she would move in with us.

WTF?!? When did they meet in person and who decided? It sounds like they just recently met "in real life" and then THEY decided she was going to move in with you. This just sounds like a recipe for disaster.

Have a written rental agreement in place and put into writing what her monthly rent is, what bills (chores in place of bills) that she is responsible for, etc in place. For Gods sake, do NOT allow her access to your joint bank accounts.

Just on a personal note, no one I'm not comfortable with would be moving into MY living space, including paying roommates. Sorry if this sounds really negative.
 
My worries

I have never been on a forum like this before, so please mind my inability to navigate around or if I reply incorrectly...

As for my worry:
I have expressed my worry, but I am being told that I am over-reacting. I met her once, the last time she was here. We did not spend any time together and i was told that I should have tried harder. I explained that it was difficult to get to know her when she was sitting next to my husband all night and they were doing their own thing. We went to a party and I was basically all alone because everyone paired off.

So now I don't know how I feel or should feel. I know I am lonely and I don't really get to spend much time alone with my husband. The time spent with him, he is usually texting his girlfriend, which makes it difficult to hold hands, or cuddle, or be intimate at all, because when he texts he moves away and hides his phone. I am told to get over it and that it is not fair to him or his girlfriend that he can't text.

They have spent probably a total of 2 weeks together. She comes to our area and stays in our apartment for a weekend here or there. He has gone to her area and stays with her and her family.

Both my husband and his girlfriend want to be together for ever. When I brought up possibility of her eventually wanting to be more than a girlfriend, I was told that was never going to happen. I think that is naive to say she will never want to marry him.

I have no problems coming out to my parents, and neither does my husband. I do not know if his girlfriend wants to come up, since the few times I have asked her, she responded with an upset and angry "Well, then my parents will just never visit".

I can't figure out how to express my concerns or feelings without upsetting everyone involved. They aren't worried and think I am just crazy and "need to stop worrying".

The good thing about moving is that it is much cheaper than where we currently live. So I can actually afford to have my own place. I have researched studio and 1 bedroom places.

She won't move in until months after we move, but I am very doubtful this will work out.
 
Sounds like some inklings of poly hell to me.

You sound lonely and maybe taken for granted. :(

The time spent with him, he is usually texting his girlfriend, which makes it difficult to hold hands, or cuddle, or be intimate at all, because when he texts he moves away and hides his phone. I am told to get over it and that it is not fair to him or his girlfriend that he can't text.

Are you able to ask him for a date night with you where all gadgets are OFF? So he is PRESENT and not distracted? And you resepct his time for his online/gadget oriented dates with her and do not interrupt those?

If not? Or if they are unwilling to talk to you about it because they are caught up in NRE lala's? Or not willing to look ahead to minimize blow ups?

I don't know what choices you have that are solely under your control other than

  • put up with it for now and wait and see
  • bow out now because it is already intolerable

It is hard to have other options with unresponsive partners who are not willing to collaborate. But you do not control each of their "willing and able" -- they each control their own behavior. :(

The good thing about moving is that it is much cheaper than where we currently live. So I can actually afford to have my own place. I have researched studio and 1 bedroom places.

Good for you -- At least YOU can bow out then if this moving in together idea goes wahoonie. I hope you have a job and accounts in your name only.

Def think out a contract for living together.

Galagirl
 
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Uh-oh. Does not sound good at all.

I met her once, the last time she was here. We did not spend any time together and i was told that I should have tried harder. I explained that it was difficult to get to know her when she was sitting next to my husband all night and they were doing their own thing. We went to a party and I was basically all alone because everyone paired off.

So you have met this person once and it has been decided that she moves in with you. Wow. Really, did you have anything to say about this decision? From what you describe your husband's behavior towards you... I doubt it. "you should have tried harder"?? oh my.

They have spent probably a total of 2 weeks together. She comes to our area and stays in our apartment for a weekend here or there. He has gone to her area and stays with her and her family.

So they hardly know each other... Why the rush to move in together??

My MFM Vee has just recently moved in together, and we planned the move for about a year. For example before deciding anything we spent Christmas together, a week under one roof, to see how that went. Also, I as the hinge encouraged my guys to build up direct communication about practical issues - they met each other regularly before the move and built up a metamour relationship. Without the communication between them two the move would not have happened. We also made written agreements about the shared responsibilities etc etc, and agreed on how much to tell neighbors and such.

Also, before even considering the move I had spent considerable amounts of time with Mark (the newer partner), and we knew our everyday habits match well for living together. And we did all we could to see how the two guys match in that sense before the move...

So no, you are not over-reacting at all. Your concerns are very valid. The only positive point in your posts is that you are already preparing to bow out of that all and get your own place.
 
The rush to move in is because she doesn't like where she lives. It is a conservative area and she lives with her mom and step dad. When my husband and her first started seeing each other, she was with a couple that wouldn't "let her go". My husband "saved her" and now he wants to save her again from her life.

I prefer to be financially independent, so my husband and I do not have shared accounts. I pay my own bills and my own way.

I have asked for date nights, but they never really happen with just the two of us. And there have been many occasions where she was having a hard time, or a bad day, or just really needed him, and our time was cancelled. I can feel the way this is heading and I am so scared to move. Being in a new town, away from everyone I know. I am trying to make myself feel like this is a new beginning and it will all be good.

I have asked about a contract or something, but it is one of those things that make them say I am just over reacting. I think that they are in their honeymoon stage. They barely know each other. They have only seen their good sides. My husband is a good guy and likes to help people, so I think it makes him feel good to be able to "save her", especially since I don't need to be taken care of. She hates where she lives and has no friends and all of her relationships have been with people who control her completely, so she relies on those around her to make decisions. I will keep trying to say to myself that it will be okay, that it will work out... but there is a part of me, deep down, that doesn't believe it.
 
I would seriously suggest some marriage counseling! Your husband constantly telling you that you are over reacting is a great BIG RED FLAG, that things are already in a bad place between you. He is beating you down and making you second guess your reasonable self. Frankly the more you describe your husbands actions and his GF the worse the situation looks. If he doesn't go for the counseling, GET OUT!

As GalaGirl suggested read the thread on poly hell. This whole situation sounds like it's going to explode very soon.
 
I would also like to recommend that, if finding a separate place for yourself is workable, then maybe you opt out of this "move in" and maintain some separation for when the poop inevitably hits the fan.

Your emotions and thoughts are being dismissed out of hand, and you are being led to believe that you are unimportant. You. Are. Not.

You have every right in the world to be concerned and to discuss it. Being dismissed out of hand is very, very worrisome to me.
 
If you are scared to move... is it possible for you to not move? Just stay where you are and they move without you? You seem to have the means, so....maybe something to consider?

Would you be jobless moving and having to hunt a new for a new job over there? Losing your means of income in a shaky situation like this sounds sounds risky. What's he doing moving you both away from people who could help? I know she doesn't like her family, but in a jam, that's who we call right?

The more you write about your spouse, the more it seems he makes all the decisions and you get stuck being along for the ride. It isn't sounding like respectful or loving behavior toward you. :(

You deserve to be treated well.

Galagirl
 
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There are red flags all over this. He's "saving" this woman he hardly knows, who has just come out of some other drama with some other couple, still lives with her parents, he's on the fast-track to move her right into your family, and you are supposed to let her move into your home, into your life? Why on mother earth would you agree to any of this?

Hell no. Slow it wayyyyy the heck down.
 
I never saw myself as the type to marry, until I met my husband. I always got bored after a few months, but with him I don't get bored and he makes me laugh. I am not someone that falls in love and have always been able to have friends who I sleep with. I like that, but I was never really interested in having multiple serious relationships. It just all happened so fast and there isn't anything I can do because saying no to any of this means that my marriage is over. I don't think it is fair, but in a way, this is all my fault anyways. I forget that most people love easily. I just like sex.

I don't think that counseling will work. I mentioned that I thought I needed to see someone and he did not understand. People who don't have issues with mental illness don't normally understand.

I want to thank everyone for your input, it has been good and I have a lot to think about.
 
I forget that most people love easily. I just like sex.

The issues with your husband blowing off your concerns and ignoring your needs has NOTHING to do with sex. This is a relationship issue that would have presented itself even if you two were monogamous. If it wasn't his gf it would have been something different. This is not to say that it's not fixable, but it might take a 2x4 to the back of his head to adjust his focus.

I don't think that counseling will work. I mentioned that I thought I needed to see someone and he did not understand. People who don't have issues with mental illness don't normally understand.

Marriage counseling has nothing to do with mental illness, it's more like calling in a "special teams coach". When he says he doesn't understand, simply reply "Thank you, Captain Obvious" (sarcastic much :p). OK, probably a better response: "I realize that you don't understand and that's exactly why we need a third person to bridge the gap. I'm miserable and you either don't care or don't see it, for now I'm going to assume it's the later and I think we need someone objective to help us find a way to fix it. Your more than welcome to choose the therapist."

Good Luck!
 
Hi beguilingheart,

Despite the warnings and misgivings, I am thinking that you've kind of already made the decision to go through with this move with your husband and his new girlfriend. Let the chips fall where they may.

You are wise to have the means to be independent and move into your own place if necessary. Guard that means, and hope you won't have to use it.

It sounds like this girlfriend is rather young. Maybe she just needs some time to get things figured out?

How far away are you moving? Will you still be able to see your boyfriend after you move?

Please keep us posted, and we'll continue to try to help.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
**Update**

Not sure if anyone really updates posts or anything, but my husband is no longer dating the younger girlfriend.

After we moved and settled in our new area, I was able to find a lovely couple to date, and my husband's girlfriend visited us. Before, during, and after her visit, I had expressed my concerns about how neither my husband or his girlfriend were taking her moving to our area and in with us as a serious matter. Luckily, I wasn't alone in my asking about what her goals were, and if she was going to tell her family the true nature of the relationship. The couple I am seeing was asking her, and my husband, the same questions, and that made me feel not so crazy, because they actually understood why I was so uncomfortable with her moving in.

During her visit we all started to think that maybe this would work out and that we could all become a family or something like that, but then my husband's girlfriend started acting weird. She growled at my girlfriend when she was affectionate toward my husband. She also seemed to keep a distance between her and my husband and the rest of us, in general. When my husband was at work, she basically just stayed in bed and slept the whole time. She did not clean up after herself and complained that she had to clean anything, something about how it wasn't her job to clean up after people. So, that was weird.
She complained about the food that we had, she refused to share what she likes to eat, so we couldn't plan. She was responsible for picking out her own food, since she was unable to express what she likes to consume, food or drink. That was also very weird. She stated that "she likes the exact same things that my husband likes".

By the last day, we all thought that we were starting to get know each other and we liked what we saw. But at the end of that last day together, she got really, really, weird. Basically, after my girlfriend said something about us all being a family together and my husband's girlfriend agreeing and embracing.... my husband's girlfriend suddenly broke free of my girlfriend's embrace and grabbed my husband's hand and then they both started sprinting till they were about a block away from us. Then they both slowed and embraced each other and then continued on to where we were parked.
Once we got home, she was "sick" so she couldn't hang out with us anymore that day. I stayed at the couple I date's apartment that night and the next morning my husband and his girlfriend stopped by to say goodbye. She was heading back home. I had to ride with them for a little bit, because i needed a ride home, much to the despair of my husband's girlfriend.

Fast forward about a week, my husband goes on a date with my girlfriend, his girlfriend approves. The next day, my husband's girlfriend states "I can't date you anymore. I don't want to share you with anyone. You are mine and I can't live with the thought of you sleeping with anyone else. So now.... they are no longer together... if my fears are to become real, it is better for them to become a reality before she moved in with us....
 
Some of that does sound really weird.

But I guess it is good they are done, broke it off, and she moved back home before settling more deeply into your shared home.

I'm sorry. It sounded like a lot to go through. :(

Galagirl
 
Hi beguilingheart, thanks for that update; sorry that things didn't work out with your husband's girlfriend. But maybe that was for the best.
 
It is good that things dissolved before she moved in, but it sucks to see my husband hurting. He is much better now that he has healed. We are lucky that the couple I date has been such a great support for both of us. I think it will be some time before he tries to date again and I am doubtful he will date someone so young again. Young people are so pretty, but just too much unnecessary work... or maybe I just got old.
 
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