Faithful husband planning to ask lovely wife for OM

kinkyguy007

New member
Hi! I'm been married 10 yrs, my first, her second....Im 46, wife is a few years older...I have never cheated on her and usually avoid any tempting situations..(Ie, I don't even have coffee with another woman, and have only guy friends)...We are both very fit, no kids....we have a wild sex life because of me 100%...I always initiate sex and she always submits which is how I want it...I've introduced my wife to a variety of kinky and fetish play from enemas to electricity and she goes along with it all....I love her so much, but I have extra love to give....

I want a second female lover, and maybe a third....I am also open-minded about trying gay sex, as long as its first with another woman present; however, any gay sex might be limited to a blow-job (not even done that yet)....My wife always wants to please me, and I have already told her that I would like to see another man fucking her....She acted surprised at the thought (but, I could see her thinking about it), but she did cheat on her first husband so I think she really might not be too against it.

About 1 yr ago, I got into tapping or EFT (google eft)...it's a way to remove emotional blocks in your life...well, it removed ALL the blocks in my life...especially those set forth about marriage and religion...I'm now a free spirit....Honestly, if my wife wanted to bring another man into our marriage just for her personal physical pleasure and emotional propping, I'd say yes as long as I approved of him (ie, he was a nice person whom I trusted). I don't have a jealous bone in my body about it since I want only the best for her.

I don't want to cheat behind her back...Her father did that...I find the idea of cheating not my cup of tea....but, I find that I want to experience a completely FULL life now.

So, I know that I WILL eventually ask my wife to open our marriage...I would never leave her for anyone else (famous last words!), and I really feel that way because I just want open the marriage to expand my life experiences, not to end our marriage...

So, if u read all of this (which I typed in secret and fast!), then I am asking for your advice:

How should I ask my wife to open our marriage, for both of us, so we can grow as people and share our love with other like-minded persons?:)
 
Are you looking for committed relationships with emotional attachment for the BOTH of you, or are you just interested in a wider variety of sexual experiences? Because in your post, you didn't talk much about anything other than opening your marriage because of different types of sex you would like to try (and the fact that you don't want to cheat which is super-grooovy).
 
Last edited:
I already have multiple fetish sex with my wife...but she has a very limited appetite for sex...I demand it about twice a week, but I masturbate like 1-2 times a day...I need more! Otherwise, we have a fine marriage...I just want more sex and emotional release from life...I think she'll let me grow...I know she doesn't want a divorce, I just have to have her reach a conclusion about the benefits of polyamory...I'm hopeful...Also, I know that I may not meet all her needs...If she wanted to have a new lover, well, then, I would have to approve..Also, she would get veto power over any new lover for me, as long as she doesn't just dislike them for no reason...then, it might be just a matter of her not wanting me to carnally know any other woman.
 
sounds like you're interested in swinging, not polyamorous relationships.

There is nothing wrong with that, but they are not the same thing.
 
I'll second that it sounds as if you're wanting to swing or simply have an open marriage. We have some folks here who also swing and do open--those aren't the focus of this site, though. You may find discussion more to your liking on a swinging site.

As for asking her about what you want to do, I'm generally a fan of simply asking for what you want. "I'm interested in X--what do you think about it?"
 
Update from faithful husband

Update: OK, I asked my wife to consent to me falling in love with another woman, for love and for sex...and here's how it went down..

I used the 14 step plan from practicalpolyamory.com....I told her that I wanted to experience new love, that it was about me changing, and that our marriage together was always first...that I never even wanted to discuss divorce. She asked me point blank, "do u want a girlfriend?"

I told her "yes, but not like a hooker or a one-night stand, I want an ongoing emotional and sexual relationship with another woman....for me..just for me cause I want it...that it would be a gift from her to me...

Well, she teared up, and said "okay, we'll separate for 6 months, and u can have your flings." I was prepared for that! I again stressed that our marriage was my primary concern and that I would not do anything to endanger it...

She said, "I am sad that I don't fulfill your needs...we should get divorced!" I was prepared for that also. I said, "honey, this is a desire and a want...I don't need any other woman...We need air, I don't need a girl...but, I do have a desire, a new wanting, that has surfaced in my life and I wont cheat on you."

We bantered and hugged for a few minutes...then something miraculous happened...she said "YES!"...I was sort of prepared for this...REMEMBER: MUST TAKE BABY STEPS...I immediately said, "we'll talk it over later, over the next few months...."

But, I did want to iron out some of the details of selection and boundaries...these will soon go into a written agreement between us...We agreed that we would both look for a woman of my specifications...If we found one online or in the real world, then I would approach her with the explanation of her being my possible secondary (and all that entails). I will tell her that we will date, and if we decide to have sex, then my wife will have to give consent...but, that the bedroom details will be for us only to know, unless she (my new gf) allows me to tell my wife (only if my wife wishes to know). If my new potential gf is amenable to begin dating, then my wife would have coffee with her at least twice...the second coffee would entail her swapping STD labs for all parties since I want a longterm relationship and will be going bareback...we are going to choose an woman who can't get pregnant and who is not married and will agree to be monogamous with me.

My wife and I plan to talk about this over the next few months before even looking seriously for my secondary...she must approve of her in every way, and she wants to be able to call her to check up on me if she wants...My wife said she'll only SHARE me with someone she likes...that's the deal.

What I am going to do now? Be a model husband...show her that I value our marriage and that I love her more for giving me this...I know her feelings will change from time to time....we have ordered a few polyamory books to read...since my wife is very occupied with her career, she said she almost is happy to have someone make me happy, so she won't feel guilty!

My wife said she is sort of turned on by sharing me with another..she even suggested 3 women that she knows locally who would probably like the arrangement...but, I told her...Whoa!, baby steps, let's deal with our emotions EMOTIONALLY first for a few months...then we will plan our approach! No girlfriends in the community...we'll start fresh...

Anyhow, I'll keep up dated...my love for my wife grew 3x over the night since she is giving me this gift....take care.
 
Wow....Not just looking for a unicorn....but a PURPLE unicorn with pink nail polish and gold teeth.

Hope you're not looking for an OPP. (one penis policy)

Too much planning can be a bad thing. Try just getting out there and setting "guidlines", but not "rules". Also, I would suggest being open to compromise. Putting it all in writing is too harsh and difficult. I guarantee you will encounter a situation which is not covered by your careful planning. When you do, you will either take advantage of it, or you will ruin the mood by saying "Hold on a sec, I have to call my wife to ask if it's ok.". Guidelines will allow you to make those decisions, and then learn form them as you go. rules in writting will not.
 
Wow....Not just looking for a unicorn....but a PURPLE unicorn with pink nail polish and gold teeth.

That is incorrect.

These folks are not "unicorn hunters" because they are not looking for a single, bisexual woman for the purpose of forming a polyfidelitous closed triad.

I believe the OP's wife is straight (correct me if I got it wrong, OP), and this is about finding a girlfriend just for HIM.
 
NeonKaos,
My point was not what you seem to think it was. My point was, he is looking for the impossible.
 
Unlike TL, I approve heartily of this careful longterm planning, to deal with emotions and to forestall hurt as much as possible.

Of course, once you actually find a girl, new feelings and situations will crop up.

TL, he's not looking for a unicorn as I understand it. A unicorn is a bi woman for a couple to share sexually and/or emotionally.

But kinkyguy, your expectations are pretty unrealistic. Bareback? No other lovers but you? Can't get pregnant? (Do you mean an infertile young woman or one past menopause?)That's a lot to ask.

I am glad you found help on the Practical Polyamory website. Sounds like you're off to a good start. I also like being poly because my gf and I can both get more help with our life journeys from multiple people. It's great to get others' feedback and not need to be the "one and only" emotional and sexual outlet.
 
NeonKaos,
My point was not what you seem to think it was. My point was, he is looking for the impossible.

Sorry 'bout that. I am a stickler for proper unicorn-terminology :eek:

I agree that the conditions he specified will limit his dating pool considerably.

That isn't necessarily a bad thing, though. As long as the OP isn't in a hurry, I think it's good to know what you want and not waste your time on something you don't want.
 
We have a good discussion going on here about going bareback, Kinkyguy. You might want to read up on how to go about it. I think most people start with condoms until full mutual trust is established.
 
Update from kinkyguy007

Update:
My wife just texted me with "You are the best husband". I think that says thanks for being honest with me and we'll work it out....Also, she is straight. Last night she admitted that she got permission to have a bf on her first husband long ago (but that included a separation at the same time), but I told her "NO!" that this is not the same. I want to be in love with both of u at the same time.....

My wife is a supreme planner...she will probably handle many of the details of this life change for us...I know it sounds to good to be true...She understands that its all me and that it should not have neg effects but hopefully positive ones on our marriage..I am always super-horney, and she felt some guilt in the past when she was not up to having sex with me....I stressed to her, if you give your consent for me to have a secondary, then It's of your own free will...it is quite amazing what someone will do for u when they love you...:)

I believe that since I really focused on her SHARING ME (body and soul) with another woman that it got to her....Who would refuse to share? Only a spoiled brat! She is ultra-mature.

Additionally, the process is key for me...the rules and boundaries are essential...my wife likes things perfect...and she wants to have a measure of control (after all, it's her doing the sharing!). Jumping in would be a mistake.

Also, on the bareback issue...we are going to select a secondary mate (who is unmarried) for me who is unable to be impregnanted (tubes tied, menopause, or hysterectomy)...someone older who already has a life of their own but wants to spend time with me as a husband figure about 2x/wk (and maybe a weekend getaway)....it's all tall order...but I would prefer to always try to establish a longterm relationship....Im probably not studly enough to satisfy more than 2 females (primary plus secondary) at a time..that would really be up to wife....as u can see, I want to keep the marriage...

Lastly, what have I experienced by asking me wife to allow me a steady gf to love and have sex with?.....ahhhhhhhh.....the new emotions.....just talking to my wife about sharing made her horny as hell (and she was really mad at first!).....also, it was almost intoxicating to me to even discuss the subject...can't wait to go to the other side of the wall!

PS. Where does my religion fall into this? Sorry to say...I lost my faith about a year ago....I am very educated so I have different thoughts about how our universe was created.....Also, I wanted to return to a more primal early human way of thinking...you know, conquer and fuck stuff....be the male with several females in the cave....it is our true nature (and exactly what most religions try to stamp out of our minds)...lets face it..it's instinctual for a guy to want at least a few girls around to love and fuck...Polyamory is natural....so, my journey is beginning...anyhow, take care...I'll keep u updated...good or bad.
 
I wanted to return to a more primal early human way of thinking...you know, conquer and fuck stuff....be the male with several females in the cave....it is our true nature (and exactly what most religions try to stamp out of our minds)...lets face it..it's instinctual for a guy to want at least a few girls around to love and fuck...

Hey, you know polyamory is definitely NOT one guy with several women (a harem) to fuck. Ick, as a feminist, that kinda grosses me out. Sure, it's a nice fantasy but in real life?... *shudder*
 
last update from kinkyguy FOREVER

Instead of constructive comments on becoming poly, all I hear is negativism...see ya...this forum is not constructive to my lifestyle change..ie, Im not going to spend a lot of time with my life stories...and listen to stupid glib comments about how I got it all wrong....see ya.
 
Instead of constructive comments on becoming poly, all I hear is negativism...see ya...this forum is not constructive to my lifestyle change..ie, Im not going to spend a lot of time with my life stories...and listen to stupid glib comments about how I got it all wrong....see ya.

Sounds awesome!

Wishing you the best!

Yup, "negativism".

Coming from yours truly.

If you don't know the definition of irony, but recognize it when you see it...

(Actually, I was pretty disgusted by the caveman remark, too, ("conquer and fuck"? BLECH!) but that's neither here nor there)
 
Last edited:
Wow....Manipulation 101 it sounds like to me. But eh...Whatever.

Look, you can leave if you feel like it, but the reality is this: There are people on this forum who have lived this life and made the same mistakes. They have made WORSE mistakes, and some have made better ones. LOL The reality, is that they have MADE MISTAKES, and they have LEARNED from them. Then, they come here, and SHARE them, so others don't make the SAME mistakes. Our comments, are for your bennifit. Not to mock or down you for your choices. (However, you DO make some poor use of words for such an "educated" person :rolleyes: ) My suggestion, stick around, and see what happens. You may find that some of us who have experienced this lifestyle, actually KNOW what is going on and how to handle it.
 
Update:

PS. Where does my religion fall into this? Sorry to say...I lost my faith about a year ago....I am very educated so I have different thoughts about how our universe was created.....Also, I wanted to return to a more primal early human way of thinking...you know, conquer and fuck stuff....be the male with several females in the cave....it is our true nature (and exactly what most religions try to stamp out of our minds)...lets face it..it's instinctual for a guy to want at least a few girls around to love and fuck...Polyamory is natural....so, my journey is beginning...anyhow, take care...I'll keep u updated...good or bad.

Did you hear what just fell out of your mouth?

Um...wow. Such immature nonsense.

Folks, I suspect this person is a troll out looking for some sport. Or perhaps a teenager spouting off some wild, adolescent fantasies. We'll have to see if he's serious about leaving because we won't indulge him by cheering wildly over his every statement.
 
Back
Top