Poly but in mono relationship

Zelda

New member
Hello all,

I have recently realized that I am poly, but I am in a mono relationship. I have been trying to ignore it, but I don't know if I can.

I am with a wonderful man. I love him so much and I have never been in such a supportive and healthy relationship. I have told him that I am poly but he isn't open to the idea of having an open relationship. I told him that it's okay and I can continue this relationship.. but I just don't know if I can. It has been a couple months since he and I talked about it. I just feel so conflicted because part of me can see myself getting married and starting a family with him. And we are planning to move in together soon. Although I have been doubting it.

But I also shouldn't sacrifice such a big part of me, should I? Has anyone else been in this situation?

I am just feeling confused and overwhelmed. I don't want to make the wrong decision. And I don't want to hurt him.
 
Hello Zelda!

I am sorry that you have found yourself in such a difficult situation. I am sure many of the more experienced members here will chime in with some great advice.

In my humble opinion, neither one of you should have to sacrifice your happiness for the sake of maintaining a relationship. I think it will be important to discuss in great detail with your partner, why he would not be able to accept you being poly. Most likely it is due his insecurities sparking fears that you will leave him, or find someone else and he will be replaced. It sounds like you have no intention of leaving him and want to build a life together, so it may just require establishing open communication and reassurance to keep his fears at bay.

There is also the reality that he would have to be okay with sharing your time and attention with others. This has been the hardest part for me to deal with so far in accepting my wife being poly. But it can be worth the effort if the relationship is worth working for. It requires compromise from both sides but successful mono/poly relationships can happen.

However at the end of the day, if he truly cannot see himself being happy in anything but a monogamous relationship, you may need to part ways. Trying to suppress what you truly are, I do not believe can lead to long term happiness.

Regards,
 
Hi Zelda, welcome to the Forum! I have only been here for a few months myself and equally new to poly - but have found a lot of solid advice and good info here. I am sure that you will also hear from some of the veterans as well.

You are in a tough, but apparently not too uncommon a situation, in which one partner desires to be poly (or to make the relationship poly) and the other is opposed to the idea. It is quite the conundrum if you both love each other - especially if to the point that breaking up may be just as painful as foregoing your poly inclinations might be - yet neither partner is able to forego their hopes for the relationship (be it poly or mono). There is probably not one best answer - and the answers you receive will probably depend upon the natural bias of the one you ask, be in mono or poly. Ultimately, it would have to come down to some careful soul searching to determine which is more important - both now and in the future, a decision best not made in haste it would seem. Obviously, the answer will vary by individual.

The dilemma becomes even more pointed if you are cohabiting, married, or have kids - so I would say that it is good that you have recognized your leaning for poly before things have gotten more serious - so you can make the best decision that you can now before it goes any further - and becomes even messier and more painful down the road.

Mockingjay mentioned the possibility of further discussion with your bf - and that might be worthwhile. I was very satisfied with our happy mono marriage (and we were both in agreement that there was nothing wrong with our marriage) - when my wife asked me to open our marriage so that she could explore her resurgent feelings for her an old college bf. (There is a link to the full story in my signature below). I was not very happy about this suggestion (to say the least) - but did eventually agree to work toward acceptance of the idea (and we are well into it now - my wife will be going on her third overnight with her bf next week - and I have achieved a great deal of acceptance - and even compersion for her happiness - even if it still would not have been my first choice.)

I posted this earlier for someone else but will repeat it in the event that you might find any of these concepts helpful in discussing the issue further with your bf:

Here's some of what my wife, Becky, did right in discussing the possibility of opening up our marriage to poly:

1. Made sure that I understood that it was not about me - no matter how much it might seem that way. There was nothing wrong with me and I had not failed in any way. This was about her feelings and not a reflection on me.
2. Made sure I understood that it wasn't because she didn't love me as much as she ever had - but she believed it was possible to love more than one man at the same time without diminishing the love for either (the classic poly argument is to consider that a parent can love multiple children at the same time and still love any others than come along as well).
3. Made certain to emphasize that her relationship with Ben would be "in addition to" - and not a replacement for - our marital relationship. And that our relationship would still be "primary" (after all we were married with a child in a home - with a mortgage, etc) - and that we could negotiate what exactly that would look like. I found the phrase "in addition to" to be particularly helpful in helping me come to terms with her desire to have a second relationship.
4. She was very patient - and did not try to push it along too quickly. We could take it one step at a time, and she agreed not to have sex until I felt I could accept the idea. And although she did want to include sex in their relationship eventually as a natural progression, for her it was much more about her feelings and her emotional involvement.
5. She was willing to talk about it as much as I needed to - no matter how long it took or how often - and to answer any questions that I might have - without any apparent frustration. She understood the need for me to process the situation. And she was very patient and understanding of my frustration and emotional turmoil at her request - very validating while still upholding her belief.
6. She went out of her way to reassure me of the depth of our relationship during this time - avoiding arguments, being especially loving and affectionate as well very open and honest about here thoughts and desires.
7. She agreed that being completely honest and transparent was absolutely essential - to whatever degree that I felt I needed that to be ok.
8. Made sure that I understood that I could also have another partner if and when I was ready.

And, I already understood from life experience that it is very possible to love more than one person at a time (acting on that is the issue) - and that one person cannot supply all of another's needs. These points may need to be discussed as well.

There is probably more that I could write about with a little thought - but Becky really did do a great job in asking me to open our marriage to poly. Hopefully some of this may be helpful to you as you discuss things with your partner.

Best wishes for a successful resolution - whatever direction that goes!

Al
 
Last edited:
Greetings Zelda,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

I would recommend for you to take things slow with your man. Don't be so quick to marry him, start a family with him, or move in with him. Take some time first to see if you can stand a monogamous life with him. Or maybe he can stand it if you go polyamorous, but either way the two of you need time to make a decision.

I hope this is helpful.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
Hello Zelda!

I am sorry that you have found yourself in such a difficult situation. I am sure many of the more experienced members here will chime in with some great advice.

In my humble opinion, neither one of you should have to sacrifice your happiness for the sake of maintaining a relationship. I think it will be important to discuss in great detail with your partner, why he would not be able to accept you being poly. Most likely it is due his insecurities sparking fears that you will leave him, or find someone else and he will be replaced. It sounds like you have no intention of leaving him and want to build a life together, so it may just require establishing open communication and reassurance to keep his fears at bay.

There is also the reality that he would have to be okay with sharing your time and attention with others. This has been the hardest part for me to deal with so far in accepting my wife being poly. But it can be worth the effort if the relationship is worth working for. It requires compromise from both sides but successful mono/poly relationships can happen.

However at the end of the day, if he truly cannot see himself being happy in anything but a monogamous relationship, you may need to part ways. Trying to suppress what you truly are, I do not believe can lead to long term happiness.

Regards,

Hello MockingJay,

I appreciate the advice - I think you are right in that I need to talk to him about this more in depth. In the past when we have discussed it, it was very brief and I don't think he understood where I was coming from. I also do agree that we will have to break up if neither of us can be happy. I don't want to change who I am for someone, no matter how important they are. And he shouldn't have to either, but I am hoping we can both compromise to make this work. Thanks again!
 
Hi Zelda, welcome to the Forum! I have only been here for a few months myself and equally new to poly - but have found a lot of solid advice and good info here. I am sure that you will also hear from some of the veterans as well.

You are in a tough, but apparently not too uncommon a situation, in which one partner desires to be poly (or to make the relationship poly) and the other is opposed to the idea. It is quite the conundrum if you both love each other - especially if to the point that breaking up may be just as painful as foregoing your poly inclinations might be - yet neither partner is able to forego their hopes for the relationship (be it poly or mono). There is probably not one best answer - and the answers you receive will probably depend upon the natural bias of the one you ask, be in mono or poly. Ultimately, it would have to come down to some careful soul searching to determine which is more important - both now and in the future, a decision best not made in haste it would seem. Obviously, the answer will vary by individual.

The dilemma becomes even more pointed if you are cohabiting, married, or have kids - so I would say that it is good that you have recognized your leaning for poly before things have gotten more serious - so you can make the best decision that you can now before it goes any further - and becomes even messier and more painful down the road.

Mockingjay mentioned the possibility of further discussion with your bf - and that might be worthwhile. I was very satisfied with our happy mono marriage (and we were both in agreement that there was nothing wrong with our marriage) - when my wife asked me to open our marriage so that she could explore her resurgent feelings for her an old college bf. (There is a link to the full story in my signature below). I was not very happy about this suggestion (to say the least) - but did eventually agree to work toward acceptance of the idea (and we are well into it now - my wife will be going on her third overnight with her bf next week - and I have achieved a great deal of acceptance - and even compersion for her happiness - even if it still would not have been my first choice.)

I posted this earlier for someone else but will repeat it in the event that you might find any of these concepts helpful in discussing the issue further with your bf:

Here's some of what my wife, Becky, did right in discussing the possibility of opening up our marriage to poly:

1. Made sure that I understood that it was not about me - no matter how much it might seem that way. There was nothing wrong with me and I had not failed in any way. This was about her feelings and not a reflection on me.
2. Made sure I understood that it wasn't because she didn't love me as much as she ever had - but she believed it was possible to love more than one man at the same time without diminishing the love for either (the classic poly argument is to consider that a parent can love multiple children at the same time and still love any others than come along as well).
3. Made certain to emphasize that her relationship with Ben would be "in addition to" - and not a replacement for - our marital relationship. And that our relationship would still be "primary" (after all we were married with a child in a home - with a mortgage, etc) - and that we could negotiate what exactly that would look like. I found the phrase "in addition to" to be particularly helpful in helping me come to terms with her desire to have a second relationship.
4. She was very patient - and did not try to push it along too quickly. We could take it one step at a time, and she agreed not to have sex until I felt I could accept the idea. And although she did want to include sex in their relationship eventually as a natural progression, for her it was much more about her feelings and her emotional involvement.
5. She was willing to talk about it as much as I needed to - no matter how long it took or how often - and to answer any questions that I might have - without any apparent frustration. She understood the need for me to process the situation. And she was very patient and understanding of my frustration and emotional turmoil at her request - very validating while still upholding her belief.
6. She went out of her way to reassure me of the depth of our relationship during this time - avoiding arguments, being especially loving and affectionate as well very open and honest about here thoughts and desires.
7. She agreed that being completely honest and transparent was absolutely essential - to whatever degree that I felt I needed that to be ok.
8. Made sure that I understood that I could also have another partner if and when I was ready.

And, I already understood from life experience that it is very possible to love more than one person at a time (acting on that is the issue) - and that one person cannot supply all of another's needs. These points may need to be discussed as well.

There is probably more that I could write about with a little thought - but Becky really did do a great job in asking me to open our marriage to poly. Hopefully some of this may be helpful to you as you discuss things with your partner.

Best wishes for a successful resolution - whatever direction that goes!

Al

Hello Al,

I agree with your point about how it is good that I recognized I am poly now rather than when things are more serious. Also thank you for the tips, I will definitely use those points when I discuss this with my partner. I think they are all very relevant and important to bring up.

I am curious as to how you accepted it? You said it has taken some time, but was there anything your wife or you did that helped you to work towards acceptance? I am wondering what else was helpful in addition to the tips you mentioned.

Based off the last discussion I had with my bf, he was automatically just against it - and it was not an in depth conversation but I am concerned he will do the same thing when I bring it up again. Thanks for the feedback!
 
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