Hi All,
Thanks for your time... I'll keep it brief and factual...
In December my partner (Jack) went overseas for 5 months to be with his other partner (Sophie). I stayed at home alone (I dont have another partner) - it was a hard 5 months. Within that time, the boundary was set as "we don't know what's going to happen in these 5months, so let's say our relationship is on pause but you're free to explore with anyone".
Well, I explored. With the wrong person at the wrong time. It was my best mates ex husband - Ross (they split a few months before). Ross was also the best friend of Jack. It was wrong and Ross and I moved on as there was nothing emotional in it - we were two lonely souls together who had a moment of weakness. We decided not to tell anyone as it'd cause hurt and he was off travelling, Jack was still overseas and Ross' ex was also overseas - so it all felt rather impersonal.
Fast forward to June this year.... Jack cheated on me with a woman called Neneh - to whom he has had long standing feelings for (love, it transpires) and she feels the same. It occured because Neneh had just got out of a 5 year relationship, they were at a festival and things got out of hand. They chose not to tell me. I found out by looking at Jack's phone, because unfortunately I know too well the signs of a cheating man. The messages were flirtatious 2 weeks after the event, and upon being found out Neneh sent an angry message to Jack bout the fact they'd been busted and that Jack should've deleted the messages.
Upon Jack confessing, I broke down with hypocrisy, so I told Jack about Ross. Ross and I are in the past, there's no feelings. Jack and Neneh are very much in the now and their feelings run high for each other still.
Jack clearly broke a set boundary (no sex at the festival unless with another couple looking for fun), I broke a boundary sleeping with a friends ex-partner. We're both in the wrong. We're both understnding that we're human and we fuck up and we want to move on and continue our relationship.
Jack seems to think it is ok to continue talking and seeing Neneh. I feel quite the opposite - I think they can't be trusted and also the whole situation needs space and time away from each to reflect. I feel that all my friends and Jack think it unreasonable that I ask Jack to stop communicating with Neneh whilst I'm so raw and can't trust either of them. Jack's emotional response to not seeing her was complete distress.
Am I being unreasonable? I have a long history of partners cheating on me and this one has cut the deepest as Jack knew my history and did everything he could to restore trust and faith in others, but it feels like its all unravelled in one night. I think it hurts because there are feelings there and they want to explore them - even though Neneh doesn't want to be in a poly relationship.
I feel that I have to accept they're good friends who love one another but cant be in a relationship due to different relationship models... but its hurts and I don't know if I can leave them in a room together.
I'm really paranoid, feel completely at a loss as to how to restore trust and faith with Jack. I feel that I have to placate to Jack's wishes to him seeing Neneh otherwise he gets really low and depressed and I dont want to be a cause of that.
Right now I have said I dont want to see him as I feel I just make him upset and I need some time alone as I'm overwhelmed. I stated that if he chooses to see/speak to Neneh in that time, then really what can I do about it. And asked him to perhaps question whether me being out of his life temporarily makes him just as sad as not having Neneh in his life temporarily, who makes him happier and who holds longevity in having an equal vision/relationship goal in life.
Any help with infidelity in poly relationships, re-establishing trust and confidence would be a huge help. Right now I feel I'm the one in the wrong and completely worthless.
Thanks for your time... I'll keep it brief and factual...
In December my partner (Jack) went overseas for 5 months to be with his other partner (Sophie). I stayed at home alone (I dont have another partner) - it was a hard 5 months. Within that time, the boundary was set as "we don't know what's going to happen in these 5months, so let's say our relationship is on pause but you're free to explore with anyone".
Well, I explored. With the wrong person at the wrong time. It was my best mates ex husband - Ross (they split a few months before). Ross was also the best friend of Jack. It was wrong and Ross and I moved on as there was nothing emotional in it - we were two lonely souls together who had a moment of weakness. We decided not to tell anyone as it'd cause hurt and he was off travelling, Jack was still overseas and Ross' ex was also overseas - so it all felt rather impersonal.
Fast forward to June this year.... Jack cheated on me with a woman called Neneh - to whom he has had long standing feelings for (love, it transpires) and she feels the same. It occured because Neneh had just got out of a 5 year relationship, they were at a festival and things got out of hand. They chose not to tell me. I found out by looking at Jack's phone, because unfortunately I know too well the signs of a cheating man. The messages were flirtatious 2 weeks after the event, and upon being found out Neneh sent an angry message to Jack bout the fact they'd been busted and that Jack should've deleted the messages.
Upon Jack confessing, I broke down with hypocrisy, so I told Jack about Ross. Ross and I are in the past, there's no feelings. Jack and Neneh are very much in the now and their feelings run high for each other still.
Jack clearly broke a set boundary (no sex at the festival unless with another couple looking for fun), I broke a boundary sleeping with a friends ex-partner. We're both in the wrong. We're both understnding that we're human and we fuck up and we want to move on and continue our relationship.
Jack seems to think it is ok to continue talking and seeing Neneh. I feel quite the opposite - I think they can't be trusted and also the whole situation needs space and time away from each to reflect. I feel that all my friends and Jack think it unreasonable that I ask Jack to stop communicating with Neneh whilst I'm so raw and can't trust either of them. Jack's emotional response to not seeing her was complete distress.
Am I being unreasonable? I have a long history of partners cheating on me and this one has cut the deepest as Jack knew my history and did everything he could to restore trust and faith in others, but it feels like its all unravelled in one night. I think it hurts because there are feelings there and they want to explore them - even though Neneh doesn't want to be in a poly relationship.
I feel that I have to accept they're good friends who love one another but cant be in a relationship due to different relationship models... but its hurts and I don't know if I can leave them in a room together.
I'm really paranoid, feel completely at a loss as to how to restore trust and faith with Jack. I feel that I have to placate to Jack's wishes to him seeing Neneh otherwise he gets really low and depressed and I dont want to be a cause of that.
Right now I have said I dont want to see him as I feel I just make him upset and I need some time alone as I'm overwhelmed. I stated that if he chooses to see/speak to Neneh in that time, then really what can I do about it. And asked him to perhaps question whether me being out of his life temporarily makes him just as sad as not having Neneh in his life temporarily, who makes him happier and who holds longevity in having an equal vision/relationship goal in life.
Any help with infidelity in poly relationships, re-establishing trust and confidence would be a huge help. Right now I feel I'm the one in the wrong and completely worthless.