cheating within a poly relationship

lolahaze

New member
Hi All,

Thanks for your time... I'll keep it brief and factual...

In December my partner (Jack) went overseas for 5 months to be with his other partner (Sophie). I stayed at home alone (I dont have another partner) - it was a hard 5 months. Within that time, the boundary was set as "we don't know what's going to happen in these 5months, so let's say our relationship is on pause but you're free to explore with anyone".

Well, I explored. With the wrong person at the wrong time. It was my best mates ex husband - Ross (they split a few months before). Ross was also the best friend of Jack. It was wrong and Ross and I moved on as there was nothing emotional in it - we were two lonely souls together who had a moment of weakness. We decided not to tell anyone as it'd cause hurt and he was off travelling, Jack was still overseas and Ross' ex was also overseas - so it all felt rather impersonal.

Fast forward to June this year.... Jack cheated on me with a woman called Neneh - to whom he has had long standing feelings for (love, it transpires) and she feels the same. It occured because Neneh had just got out of a 5 year relationship, they were at a festival and things got out of hand. They chose not to tell me. I found out by looking at Jack's phone, because unfortunately I know too well the signs of a cheating man. The messages were flirtatious 2 weeks after the event, and upon being found out Neneh sent an angry message to Jack bout the fact they'd been busted and that Jack should've deleted the messages.

Upon Jack confessing, I broke down with hypocrisy, so I told Jack about Ross. Ross and I are in the past, there's no feelings. Jack and Neneh are very much in the now and their feelings run high for each other still.

Jack clearly broke a set boundary (no sex at the festival unless with another couple looking for fun), I broke a boundary sleeping with a friends ex-partner. We're both in the wrong. We're both understnding that we're human and we fuck up and we want to move on and continue our relationship.

Jack seems to think it is ok to continue talking and seeing Neneh. I feel quite the opposite - I think they can't be trusted and also the whole situation needs space and time away from each to reflect. I feel that all my friends and Jack think it unreasonable that I ask Jack to stop communicating with Neneh whilst I'm so raw and can't trust either of them. Jack's emotional response to not seeing her was complete distress.

Am I being unreasonable? I have a long history of partners cheating on me and this one has cut the deepest as Jack knew my history and did everything he could to restore trust and faith in others, but it feels like its all unravelled in one night. I think it hurts because there are feelings there and they want to explore them - even though Neneh doesn't want to be in a poly relationship.

I feel that I have to accept they're good friends who love one another but cant be in a relationship due to different relationship models... but its hurts and I don't know if I can leave them in a room together.

I'm really paranoid, feel completely at a loss as to how to restore trust and faith with Jack. I feel that I have to placate to Jack's wishes to him seeing Neneh otherwise he gets really low and depressed and I dont want to be a cause of that.

Right now I have said I dont want to see him as I feel I just make him upset and I need some time alone as I'm overwhelmed. I stated that if he chooses to see/speak to Neneh in that time, then really what can I do about it. And asked him to perhaps question whether me being out of his life temporarily makes him just as sad as not having Neneh in his life temporarily, who makes him happier and who holds longevity in having an equal vision/relationship goal in life.

Any help with infidelity in poly relationships, re-establishing trust and confidence would be a huge help. Right now I feel I'm the one in the wrong and completely worthless.
 
I'm sorry you struggle.

I don't know if any of this helps you.

http://felislunae.org/relationships-love/coming-clean/

I'm really paranoid, feel completely at a loss as to how to restore trust and faith with Jack

Well... do you even want to? Sometimes one decides to forgive, but not forget, and just not put any trust or energy in there any more. They decide to just part ways.

Jack's emotional response to not seeing her was complete distress.

COMPLETE distress? That sounds like Jack engages in behavior that dings him in a major way. You could bow out so he can be with Neenah and she can attend to him, his distress, and deal with whatever new decisions he makes that might cause him to fall to pieces in some new distress in future.

Then you don't have to and you can attend to just you.

I don't know about you, but I would want a partner that is more emotionally resilient than that. Someone who breaks agreements and then falls completely to pieces after? They made the choice to break agreements. They could keep the agreements or ask to renegotiate and skip the complete distress part.

I could be wrong, but it doesn't sound like they think ahead well or look out for themselves well. I need someone who thinks ahead. Not flies by the seat of their pants. If they cannot even look after their own self well, I cannot expect them to look out for me or consider me well. I want a partner. Not a dependent.

I feel that I have to placate to Jack's wishes to him seeing Neneh otherwise he gets really low and depressed and I don't want to be a cause of that.

He cheats, you are hurting, and it it STILL your job to carry him? How is this fair, reasonable or healthy? :confused: It's not your job to do his jobs. Especially when you are feeling low/raw. Put your own oxygen mask on first.

His emotional management is his job to be doing. If he's low and depressed... he can find a counselor to help him and learn to live with the choices he made. He's an adult. Not a child.

If he wants to see Neneh? Then he keeps seeing her. But you don't have to be there if you do not want to. Your "staying-ness" belongs to you.

Let him do his job. You do yours.

I think they can't be trusted and also the whole situation needs space and time away from each to reflect.

If you cannot trust him/them? Then bow out and take all the time you need.

The old relationship with Jack is over. You are considering if you want to take the trouble to make repairs and start a new relationship with him or just not bother. I suggest you think that over.

If you are going to consider a new thing with Jack? You have to state what the price of admission is.

  • If it means permanently not talking to her, you have to state that. The price of admission to a new relationship with you and another try is to drop all contact with the cheating affair partner. And be prepared for Jack saying "No. I am not able to do that. We need to be broken up instead of trying again with a new relationship together."
  • If it means giving it X weeks or no contact so you can not be so raw before trying to trust him again with more? Say that. He has to clock X weeks to demonstrate he can keep a small agreement. Then you risk trusting Jack enough with a bigger one -- like talking to her on the phone and not cheating again. Then move on to seeing her and trusting him not to cheat again. You build trust. If he's not wanting to clock the time? He's not. End it now. Don't bother.

  • If he agrees and then breaks agreements again? You bow out.

I don't know if you also need her to apologize to her for her part in the situation making. But basically Jack can deliver or not on his part of it.

I can understand the emotions are hard to FEEL right now. But the actions seem straightforward. You have to figure out if you want to keep investing in a relationship with Jack or not. Then if you decide to give him another chance? You have to see if he actually delivers or not.

Right now I have said I don't want to see him as I feel I just make him upset and I need some time alone as I'm overwhelmed. I stated that if he chooses to see/speak to Neneh in that time, then really what can I do about it.

If you want space because you are overwhelmed? You take it.

If he continues with her while you are in a time out? And you don't want to participate in his network with her in it? You don't bother trying to repair anything here. You stay bowed out and end it.

YOU are in charge of what you choose to participate in. If this is not any good for you? Don't participate in it.

And asked him to perhaps question whether me being out of his life temporarily makes him just as sad as not having Neneh in his life temporarily, who makes him happier and who holds longevity in having an equal vision/relationship goal in life.

I don't think you need to be doing his jobs for him -- telling him what he needs to be reflecting on at this time.

I think you could do YOUR jobs and do your own reflecting on whether or not you want to continue with Jack or not.

  • Does he have an equal vision/relationship goal in life as you?
  • Does he meet your personal standards for a dating partner?
  • Is he putting a good faith effort into making repairs post cheating or is it half assed?
  • It is worth it? Or best just to forgive and let it go?
  • After the initial sadness... do you find life is better for you without Jack it?

I'm very sorry you deal in this. It's not fun. :(

I still think you could do your soul searching though and ask yourself the hard questions. Decide what you are and are not up for. Then be firm about it.

Galagirl
 
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I am a bit confused -- Nehneh is okay with cheating, but not okay with poly? Was she hoping to steal Jack away from you and into a monogamous relationship with her? Or was she just hoping to cheat long-term? The only diffference between poly and what they did was the lying and sneaking around. I guess I am not sure what she prefers about cheating over polyamory. Maybe she doesn't understand it?
 
I'm also confused ... what are your current relationship agreements? Why would your husband break them instead of telling you that he wants to date that woman?

Btw, how is you sleeping with your husbands friend cheating if the agreement was "our relationship is on pause but you're free to explore with anyone"? I mean, it can be unwise to sleep with close friends of either, but hardly cheating. I don't think you did well in not telling him for months, as secrets like this are detrimental to intimacy. Now you've got all this guilt gathered up and he can be "righteously" angry and you sound like you two are making it a 'tit for tat' thing in your present situation - when really both instances should be treated separatelly and indeed ask for a completelly different approach.
 
Hi lolahaze,

To me it seems reasonable that you ask Jack to stop communicating with Neneh while you're so raw and can't trust either of them. However, I am not Jack. You have to figure out whether there's a compromise that you and Jack can both live with. I am thinking Jack is deep in NRE, he does not want to stop communicating with Neneh even for a short time. On the other hand, maybe you and he have different ideas about how long this communication moratorium would last. Perhaps that's something for the two of you to discuss.

I hope you are able to work things out together.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Hey LolaHaze,

I'm not a fan of veto, but it may work for couples who have trust and abandonment issues in the relationship, or for couples who 'just want to have fun' rather than the emotional poly aspect.

You may find the resources you want over in affair recovery websites.

Best wishes,
Shaya.
 
I feel that I have to accept they're good friends who love one another but cant be in a relationship due to different relationship models... but its hurts and I don't know if I can leave them in a room together. I'm really paranoid, feel completely at a loss as to how to restore trust and faith with Jack. I feel that I have to placate to Jack's wishes to him seeing Neneh otherwise he gets really low and depressed and I dont want to be a cause of that.

Why do you have to accept this? You want to continue to be in a relationship with someone who longs to be sexually and emotionally intimate with another, but isn't allowed to be (for whatever reason?) That's the seventh circle of hell, to me. Why would you be working to restore faith and trust and not be working to establish your own life, your own dignity, your own soul? You can put up all the rules you want and he can abide by them (moratorium, veto, regular check-ins, etc.) but they will never ever ever change the burning desire he has for her. Why would you keep subjecting yourself to that?

If you have a history of being cheated on, up to and including your present relationship, it's up to you to change that pattern. It's never up to your partners to prove their loyalty and ease your fears. No partner's words or actions will ever be equal to the fear you have active right now. You need to work on you, not keep trying to find partners who won't let you down.
 
If Neneh doesn't want poly then him continuing to see her will not end well for you. That seems like a shitty situation :(
 
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