Good talks with my sis
Thanks for everyone's responses. This day is kicking my a*s emotionally, i'm pretty much a wreck.
ThatGirl: Thanks for your list of hey you, listen ups, very helpful for me. Except number 2...she has been really awesome about trying to respect boundaries, so careful, really receptive - only major transgression was nekkid event, and i'm not even very blame-y about that one (trying to focus on my own response instead of writing it off in their actions, have been since the very day it happened). 4 is a little off too, because i feel like up until she read my posting she was willing to do the work/talk it out/etc.. i think that my saying i wouldn't date her indepedently and was too pissed to even really be friends right now (hence needing a total break to get clear) was too much - especially since in independent communication i have been continually expressing a desire to work things out. I think i've pushed way past her comfort zone with my upset and need to process everything. Cuz i have been WAY emotional, and WAY overprocessy (it's my go to when i'm feeling emotionally messed, and that is a big issue for me) It's part of the reason i went on a break from communication, and turned to this board - so that i could process HERE, and get clear before going back to her/him. That went well! Sheeeeesh.
I truly appreciate your compassion, and for you validating that i have a right to my experience and feelings - thank you for that. I don't feel like my work has been wasted - whether things work out with her or not, i need to sort through this stuff both personally, and in my primary relationship if we're gunna keep being poly. (which currently he is saying he doesn't want, as this has sucked so hard - awesome! I'm feeling great about that!)
opal: i think she was hurt, upset, angry and lashin' out. i think she's tired of trying to talk to me about her feelings cuz she doesn't feel like i hear her. she doesn't want to bail on my hubby, and i'm trying to figure out if i can be cool witht he two of them seeing each other without me. i guess until this afternoon i really DID think that we could reconcile after i sorted out my sh*t. Now starting to realize how wrong I am about that.
I don't even know why i'm still writing on here, given that i'm totally outed to both of the people that I was seeking space from - to just have a place to confide/get advice from people who might be able to give me wisdom/experience to help me get through this, but i guess i just can't enjoy that independent experienc eon my own, and what's more, my basically private musings are now having decisions made on them. feel upset about that, but it's my own fault for not saying, "Hey, i'm posting on here, please don't read it." it's my own fault for not lining up public with private completely. i didn't know public would bECOME private. Shoot. Double shoot. I said to her "I never would have been so blunt if I thought your eyes would see my words. They were for me, not for you. For my heart, not for yours. For my healing, not for your destruction."
So, this is where i am at. Tumultuous, not easy, not fun, problematic, came home from work early because trying to do my job right now is just ridiculous.
I had an hour long conversation with my sister who's in NY. she has been poly for years, and knows what works for her through some (pretty intense) trial and error. She is under the same general impression that i have been for well over a month - either get some peace around letting the two of them see each other independently, or let it go altogether. to not let this experience define poly for me - that we had lousy boundaries, got way ahead of ourselves, had some trust stuff happen, and that ALL of that is pretty normal when starting out in poly and that i shouldn't allow one messed up experience to colour my entire viewpoint of being poly with my husband. That having major ish in a poly-fi triad might just mean that *gasp* a poly-fi triad might not be the right set up for us. That a less involved relationship might be better. That a vee might be better. That there are lots of ways to be poly, and that expecting any one way to work just sets everyone involved up fer failure. she told me to be gentle with myself, to allow myself the time to heal my hurt, to reconnect with hubs, to take space from gf (wait, exGF, whoah) and see if i can come back to a place of being friends with her. She said to see the dude i met as friends, and not get involved until i was clear, if at all. She said not to worry if my XGF can't handle my emotions - that i am my own person,a nd deserve to be loved and accepted just as i am, even if i have issues - that no one is perfect, and to stop beating myself up. My sis and i have had some pretty major differences over the past couple of years, so needless to say i was crying my face off while she was giving me all these props. Who knew something as awesome as reconnecting with my sister could come out of this??? silver linings indeed.
i hate my need to make everythin okay. even this morning in reply to her message, I'm trying to make things better. To speak of my love and respect for my XGF, that how i'm trying to heal things up so that i could come bakc to a relationship with her. And yes, now i am asking WHY as well? Why would i want to go back to her if i wouldn't want to date her on my own? never even really asked myself that question - ridiculous as that sounds. There is so much stuff to get clear on, to sort through, to get in touch with in this joruney, i never anticipated it.
never anticipated how loopy i would get - how far i would proejct into the future (won't be doing that again - I was even looking at freakin' real estate! NOT GOOD) Never anticipated how upset I'd get over something as minor as them snuggling in bed together even though i've watched them have sex dozens of times. Me spazzing out (crying nonstop) as a way of coping wasn't such a big surprise - done that before - and that's something to work on for me in the future (which i'm excited about, oddly) and neither was my anger, and i guess i'm not overly surprised that once that upset was triggered it was pretty hard to get out of it. don' know if that's normal or not, but it is for me.
didn't anticipate this lock in my chest that has kept me from moving forward - knew it wasn't working anymore, and that i needed to find a new way of being, but wow, this is intense and crazy! Didn't anticipate how seriously I would take things while two other people were casually having fun. Or how conflicted i could be between anger/love/upset/wanting to make things better. i never knew i could love someone, and need so much space from them at the same time. Never knew how much i would love/hate a triad.
feel like there's a bunch of concrete poured into my chest. hubby sent me thirteen txt messages today, and they're not very nice. Guess i had it coming.