Polygiggles
New member
Hi, let me first apologize for the length of this question/comment/help quest. Where we are coming from: Hubby and I have been happily (mostly, lol) married for 31yrs. We have discussed the possibility of having a relationship with other people throughout our married live. I believing it more than hubby, that you can love more than one person at the same time. We, like others, began to look around in the “swinging” world as that seems to be more publicized and until more recently we thought anything “poly” was more of a religious lifestyle that was for men only, if you know what I mean lol. So our quest was somewhat at a stalemate. Then in the meantime, we hit a rocky spot in our marriage. Then to make matters worse I had an affair, brief physically ( one time) but that lasted much longer emotionally due to it being a LDR. Once our marriage hit this wall, we both worked (with the help of a counselor) to put our marriage back on solid ground. But, even though we had to “fix” us, we didn’t close the door on us having a relationship with other people. As a matter of fact, hubby was supportive of my continued relationship with the guy I had had the affair with.
After about a year, once hubby and I were feeling reconnected and back on solid ground, we began a LDR with another (first timer) couple. I had been friends online with the man for over a year and I introduced hubby to him early on in our year of recovery…no he wasn’t the guy I had the affair with. We met his wife online and after a couple months of the four of us talking and cutting up, we as a group decided to pursue a relationship. It was sometime during the early stages of this relationship we stumbled across the term Polyamorous. Long story short here…..hubby and the wife hit it off immediately. And even though the guy and I had been friends longer and cared deeply for each other, he began to have problems with the NRE his wife was experiencing. After an initial meeting in real life, where we made multiple mistakes, things really began to fall apart. We dragged things out for nearly a year hoping that the guy could work through his jealousy issues. But in the end, he just came to hate not only hubby but me as well because I supported hubby’s relationship.
That all brings us to the present, lol, if you are still reading: In the wake of this failed relationship, not having yet learned from our mistakes, we ventured into another relationship with another couple. This time however, the couple is closer (less than an hour away) and they had been in the “swinging” lifestyle for about three years. From the beginning hubby and I made it clear the type of long term, loving relationship we were seeking. This couple lead us to believe their marriage was solid and that they too wanted a fun, loving, intimate, friends first, relationship. A year later, and we are right back in the same boat we were with couple #1. Hubby and she have hit it off and are deeply in love. The guy and I didn’t fare as well. Not only is he incapable of loving someone else (his words not just mine) but they finally have admitted their marriage was in deep trouble from way before us meeting them. Even though they denied there was any problem with their marriage when we would point out things we were noticing ..ie their lack of communication, controlling and manipulative behavior on his part, nasty and sarcastic remarks on her part, lack of intimate contact, and his excessive drinking and sex addiction.
Finally, why Im telling you all of this:
1. These two failed relationships have left me feeling hurt, undesirable, rejected, angry, clingy, frustrated and alone. Some days I wish to just forget the whole thing and return to monogamy. But, I don’t feel like either myself or hubby would be completely happy that with that. Its kinda like once you’ve had a taste of the pie you want the whole thing. So, how do I pick up the pieces of my broken heart and shattered self esteem and move on without letting these failures taint any future potential relationships?
2. As of right now, couple #2 are in counseling, but she is secretively still texting and talking on the phone to hubby whenever she can, I get this. They are in love and I can’t say I wouldn’t do the same thing under the circumstances. I know that their NRE is clouding their judgment and decision making ability. However, I’m finding it very difficult to support their relationship and I’m not really sure I should be as I’m afraid it’s going to end their marriage. How can I be supportive, non-controlling and at peace with this relationship as it evolves or disintegrates?
3. Moving forward, how do I let my guard down yet protect myself from another hurtful situation? How do I deal with the insecurity and jealousy this has cause between hubby and I? (Let me clarify one thing here…hubby is a wonderful, amazing man…he’s sensitive to my feelings and goes to great lengthens to make me feel secure)
Thanks for listening and all responses that are helpful in nature will be appreciated.
After about a year, once hubby and I were feeling reconnected and back on solid ground, we began a LDR with another (first timer) couple. I had been friends online with the man for over a year and I introduced hubby to him early on in our year of recovery…no he wasn’t the guy I had the affair with. We met his wife online and after a couple months of the four of us talking and cutting up, we as a group decided to pursue a relationship. It was sometime during the early stages of this relationship we stumbled across the term Polyamorous. Long story short here…..hubby and the wife hit it off immediately. And even though the guy and I had been friends longer and cared deeply for each other, he began to have problems with the NRE his wife was experiencing. After an initial meeting in real life, where we made multiple mistakes, things really began to fall apart. We dragged things out for nearly a year hoping that the guy could work through his jealousy issues. But in the end, he just came to hate not only hubby but me as well because I supported hubby’s relationship.
That all brings us to the present, lol, if you are still reading: In the wake of this failed relationship, not having yet learned from our mistakes, we ventured into another relationship with another couple. This time however, the couple is closer (less than an hour away) and they had been in the “swinging” lifestyle for about three years. From the beginning hubby and I made it clear the type of long term, loving relationship we were seeking. This couple lead us to believe their marriage was solid and that they too wanted a fun, loving, intimate, friends first, relationship. A year later, and we are right back in the same boat we were with couple #1. Hubby and she have hit it off and are deeply in love. The guy and I didn’t fare as well. Not only is he incapable of loving someone else (his words not just mine) but they finally have admitted their marriage was in deep trouble from way before us meeting them. Even though they denied there was any problem with their marriage when we would point out things we were noticing ..ie their lack of communication, controlling and manipulative behavior on his part, nasty and sarcastic remarks on her part, lack of intimate contact, and his excessive drinking and sex addiction.
Finally, why Im telling you all of this:
1. These two failed relationships have left me feeling hurt, undesirable, rejected, angry, clingy, frustrated and alone. Some days I wish to just forget the whole thing and return to monogamy. But, I don’t feel like either myself or hubby would be completely happy that with that. Its kinda like once you’ve had a taste of the pie you want the whole thing. So, how do I pick up the pieces of my broken heart and shattered self esteem and move on without letting these failures taint any future potential relationships?
2. As of right now, couple #2 are in counseling, but she is secretively still texting and talking on the phone to hubby whenever she can, I get this. They are in love and I can’t say I wouldn’t do the same thing under the circumstances. I know that their NRE is clouding their judgment and decision making ability. However, I’m finding it very difficult to support their relationship and I’m not really sure I should be as I’m afraid it’s going to end their marriage. How can I be supportive, non-controlling and at peace with this relationship as it evolves or disintegrates?
3. Moving forward, how do I let my guard down yet protect myself from another hurtful situation? How do I deal with the insecurity and jealousy this has cause between hubby and I? (Let me clarify one thing here…hubby is a wonderful, amazing man…he’s sensitive to my feelings and goes to great lengthens to make me feel secure)
Thanks for listening and all responses that are helpful in nature will be appreciated.