Liliangrae
New member
I recently learned that Eric* my BF of 6 months told my metamour, Babs* about my childhood trauma. I shared this info with him earlier when discussing my need for patience engaging in sex. It never occurred to me that he’d tell Babs especially considering where and when and how I told him. (Lying in bed, in tears after a discussion between the two of us about being open and transparency in our relationship). Babs and I have met twice & aren’t separate friends.
When Eric initially told me she knew I felt weird not necessarily angry or hurt just confused. Eric suggested that my previous partners being solo polyamory therefore that's probably why it wasn't an issue with them. He explained that they were married, kept no secrets from each other and are completely open and honest. He apologized that telling her made me “feel weird.” I too am married but maintain his privacy when discussing things with my husband. He said that I’d need to be explicit about telling him things that I’d not want him to tell Babs.
A week later, I realized that I’m furious and hurt. I found a great article on More Than Two that has helped me find the language to discuss the violation I feel. It is great that they don't keep secrets from each other nor am I encouraging him to do so but that was MY secret and I didn’t give him permission to share with anyone. What about my privacy? In fact, I explicitly told him that only a few people knew about this only past partners that I told because it was relevant to our sex life. While I knew that his wife maintained an quite free relationship (she reads my text, emails etc) I feel kind of blindsided that he would share something so private.
I don’t believe he was malicious nor am I trying to play the victim. I take responsibility for not addressing issues of boundaries earlier but am I wrong for feeling surprised or angered by this? Unfortunately, I can't change the past but any tips on negotiating through this…
When Eric initially told me she knew I felt weird not necessarily angry or hurt just confused. Eric suggested that my previous partners being solo polyamory therefore that's probably why it wasn't an issue with them. He explained that they were married, kept no secrets from each other and are completely open and honest. He apologized that telling her made me “feel weird.” I too am married but maintain his privacy when discussing things with my husband. He said that I’d need to be explicit about telling him things that I’d not want him to tell Babs.
A week later, I realized that I’m furious and hurt. I found a great article on More Than Two that has helped me find the language to discuss the violation I feel. It is great that they don't keep secrets from each other nor am I encouraging him to do so but that was MY secret and I didn’t give him permission to share with anyone. What about my privacy? In fact, I explicitly told him that only a few people knew about this only past partners that I told because it was relevant to our sex life. While I knew that his wife maintained an quite free relationship (she reads my text, emails etc) I feel kind of blindsided that he would share something so private.
I don’t believe he was malicious nor am I trying to play the victim. I take responsibility for not addressing issues of boundaries earlier but am I wrong for feeling surprised or angered by this? Unfortunately, I can't change the past but any tips on negotiating through this…
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