the story of a secondary

Actually, I did speculate recently on where the sadomasochistic tendencies come from and I was l was quite pleased with what I wrote, so I'll paste it below as a sidebar for anyone interested —

If you're getting into the "why" of it, kink is complicated! On the one hand, I think that it's natural to link sex with control. Letting go of control with someone can be so powerful, and can be so hard to do. I think it's natural too to link pleasure and pain. Both run on the same systems, both are intense and physical and can blot out thought and provoke emotional reactions.

At the same time, I think that our society is pathologically violent and hierarchical, and that these tendencies too can get naturally wrapped up with sex for many of us. Further, our society is traumatizing, and that trauma can get wrapped up in what we respond to sexually. Kink that derives from such factors can be harmful, neutral, or profoundly fun and even healing, depending on how it's handled.

Stemming from the above, I think it's no coincidence that the kink scene is so queer. Our identities have been so pathologized and shamed that for many of us, kink is a necessary pathway to understanding and exploring ourselves. In order to allow ourselves to break free from repression we need to be restrained. In order to allow ourselves to be seen we need to be masked. In order to finally choose what we want, we first need to hand over our will. And all that too is valid.
 
Diagnose me as someone seeking a loving triad with a man and a woman because I wanted that desperately as a child but couldn't have it… as someone who seeks out men who don't treat me lovingly over those who do because of how messed up my early relationship with my dad was… as someone who seeks out people who are deeply wounded and depressive and tries to heal/save them because I've never dealt with my fear and grief about the possibility of losing my mom to suicide…

But y'know, when it comes to my love of threesomes and really analyzing the root of it? Fuck, they're just so good tho. ;_; I mean, with people who are really good at it and who you really like, at least. Have you ever been there? Have you ever been sandwiched between two people you love who are both dedicated to driving you wild? The ecstasy and overload of that? The surprises, the newness each time, the playfulness, the laughter, the sensuality, the taking turns, the teamwork, the glances, the heat, the pleasure, how long it can go on. The fucking love, even if it wasn't reflected back to me the way I wanted equally at the time, the love I felt, how beautiful they were, painfully beautiful.

And then you add to that the service thing. The submission thing. Is that just a thing about me? Is it born of trauma? Does it matter? The point is that it's there, it's always been there, it's part of my core urges. I think it was Gia's tendencies towards sadism and dominance that drew it out so strongly from me with her. Not that she was ever cruel to me, but even as she was being kind she had a playfulness layered over this underlying wickedness, this desire to press, to see what she could get away with, that intoxicated me. I wanted, needed, to give her all the room she wanted to press away.

I think I also saw the need in her, the deep well of sadness, and wanted, needed, to fill it, in that way I so often do with people (I am working on this). And to wrap that urge to serve her up with the love and the sex, how perfect, how sublime! How addictive. And when I couldn't get my hit any more, I suffered.

You asked, Magdlyn, "why this constant yearning for more, and never getting it, was even OK with you, satisfying, confirming in some way" and that part? Truly I never anticipated or wanted that part, the part where she stopped being attracted to me. I mean, she ate me out and fucked me so many times, SO MANY times over the course of that first year and a half before the pregnancy and before the blog… there's a reason it took a long time for me to truly wrap my head around the idea that she could possibly not be dying to restart such activities and that I'd have to live with that. I didn't find it satisfying or confirming at all, I found it devastating and unbearable and I almost walked away as a result. But love is stronger than desire, and this relationship's continued life and vitality is proof.

Probably yet more to come.
 
Thanks for your response to my thoughts! I'm working now but I'll read and get back to you soon! <3
 
Diagnose me as someone seeking a loving triad with a man and a woman because I wanted that desperately as a child but couldn't have it… as someone who seeks out men who don't treat me lovingly over those who do because of how messed up my early relationship with my dad was… as someone who seeks out people who are deeply wounded and depressive and tries to heal/save them because I've never dealt with my fear and grief about the possibility of losing my mom to suicide…


I think you're speaking tongue-in-cheek. I'm not trying to diagnose you. I just got curious along the way, not so much about the desire for threesome sex per se, but about the loving and yearning for the distant unable-to-give lover, and the disdain for the available one.
But y'know, when it comes to my love of threesomes and really analyzing the root of it? Fuck, they're just so good tho. ;_; I mean, with people who are really good at it and who you really like, at least. Have you ever been there? Have you ever been sandwiched between two people you love who are both dedicated to driving you wild? The ecstasy and overload of that? The surprises, the newness each time, the playfulness, the laughter, the sensuality, the taking turns, the teamwork, the glances, the heat, the pleasure, how long it can go on. The fucking love, even if it wasn't reflected back to me the way I wanted equally at the time, the love I felt, how beautiful they were, painfully beautiful.
I've had a few threesomes/foursomes, but unfortunately the majority were not with people who were experienced at them, so they were unfulfilling for me. They were FMF or FFF or FFFM, and one MFM. The FFF was good and the MFM was great. The overwhelm is interesting, but the weirdness, the psychological ramifications of the moving parts have the potential to be too hard/painful so I don't seek them out. I can get plenty of exciting overwhelm, playfulness, sensuality, glances, heat, longevity from one-on-one sex/BDSM kink with the right person, after all. I don't really need the teamwork aspect. But I'm not one for dungeons or seeking or wanting to be in an audience either.

Not that there's anything wrong with that! YKINMKATOK.
And then you add to that the service thing. The submission thing. Is that just a thing about me? Is it born of trauma? Does it matter? The point is that it's there, it's always been there, it's part of my core urges. I think it was Gia's tendencies towards sadism and dominance that drew it out so strongly from me with her. Not that she was ever cruel to me, but even as she was being kind she had a playfulness layered over this underlying wickedness, this desire to press, to see what she could get away with, that intoxicated me. I wanted, needed, to give her all the room she wanted to press away.
I guess, for me, I didn't see her sadistic wickedness much in your prior writings. I saw it as she was a baby domme and was just dabbling at your insistence, to be kind. So thanks for explaining.

I'm a pain slut so I have no problem with people who want to be tied up and beaten, pinched, humiliated, ordered around, bitten, slapped punched, etc., that's for sure! The endorphins are great! And I'm pretty much a perfect switch, so I like dealing it out too. Not to mention, floaty glowy aftercare is out of this world.
I think I also saw the need in her, the deep well of sadness, and wanted, needed, to fill it, in that way I so often do with people (I am working on this). And to wrap that urge to serve her up with the love and the sex, how perfect, how sublime! How addictive. And when I couldn't get my hit any more, I suffered.

You asked, Magdlyn, "why this constant yearning for more, and never getting it, was even OK with you, satisfying, confirming in some way" and that part? Truly I never anticipated or wanted that part, the part where she stopped being attracted to me. I mean, she ate me out and fucked me so many times, SO MANY times over the course of that first year and a half before the pregnancy and before the blog… there's a reason it took a long time for me to truly wrap my head around the idea that she could possibly not be dying to restart such activities and that I'd have to live with that. I didn't find it satisfying or confirming at all, I found it devastating and unbearable and I almost walked away as a result. But love is stronger than desire, and this relationship's continued life and vitality is proof.

Probably yet more to come.
It's sad that she and Eric only fucked you well in the first force of NRE, and then it all faded away with time and baby. :( My sympathies.
 
I think you're speaking tongue-in-cheek. I'm not trying to diagnose you. I just got curious along the way, not so much about the desire for threesome sex per se, but about the loving and yearning for the distant unable-to-give lover, and the disdain for the available one.
Half tongue in cheek, half serious, talking more to myself than to you there really. I've always known it was probably worth investigating how my childhood factors into my life today, but I haven't done it much before, even when I did go to therapy. So it was useful to really think about it, and I'm genuinely grateful for the prompt. I think the "diagnoses" I wrote above could be describing causative factors in some ways, or could just be correlative.

As for my disdain for the available lover... I'm honestly not sure if that's a real thing for me or if it's particular to Davis and the frictions we've faced (we went through a LOT of emotional upheaval together during our transition from mono to poly and it colored everything that came after). Maybe it's just because he's been closer to me than anyone else, and familiarity can breed contempt. Pike has almost never made me feel anything but wanted and like he's present for me, and I've never disdained his company. But then, he's also never tried to be my one-and-only(-plus-Gia), which I found felt stifling with Davis.

It's only in more recent years that I feel like all that old baggage between me and Davis has been fully addressed and healed as best it can be, and it's that more than anything that corresponds to my body and heart reopening to him more fully.

I've had a few threesomes/foursomes, but unfortunately the majority were not with people who were experienced at them, so they were unfulfilling for me. They were FMF or FFF or FFFM, and one MFM. The FFF was good and the MFM was great. The overwhelm is interesting, but the weirdness, the psychological ramifications of the moving parts have the potential to be too hard/painful so I don't seek them out. I can get plenty of exciting overwhelm, playfulness, sensuality, glances, heat, longevity from one-on-one sex/BDSM kink with the right person, after all. I don't really need the teamwork aspect. But I'm not one for dungeons or seeking or wanting to be in an audience either.
As I was writing about all the wonderful things about threesome sex, I was thinking that good dyad sex can certainly have all those features too.

And I'm lucky enough to actually still have both types in my life these days! As of about six months ago, Pike and I have been hooking up together with my best friend from high school, Lilah, and while the chemistry wasn't quite right on our first try, since then it's been amaaaaziiing. All the more fun bc she and I briefly dated in high school but she was functionally asexual at the time (me and sexually unavailable women.......) but we stayed close, and to my great surprise, she's now the one who keeps suggesting times for us to get into bed together!

I'm definitely something of an exhibitionist/voyeur, so that is indeed a factor for me.

(Hope you get to experience something like the MFM threesome again some day, if you'd like to!)
Not that there's anything wrong with that! YKINMKATOK.

I guess, for me, I didn't see her sadistic wickedness much in your prior writings. I saw it as she was a baby domme and was just dabbling at your insistence, to be kind. So thanks for explaining.
Yeah, I guess I never really got into that much. While I do describe things about my lovers as it's relevant, I've tried to keep the focus more on me, rather than gossiping too much about them in such a way that they might feel overly-revealed if they ever found this blog (if one of you is reading this... hi, hope you're not annoyed at me). But without a doubt, Gia is a capital-S sadist. I'm proud to have helped her bring that desire out of her mind and into the flesh. :)
I'm a pain slut so I have no problem with people who want to be tied up and beaten, pinched, humiliated, ordered around, bitten, slapped punched, etc., that's for sure! The endorphins are great! And I'm pretty much a perfect switch, so I like dealing it out too. Not to mention, floaty glowy aftercare is out of this world.

It's sad that she and Eric only fucked you well in the first force of NRE, and then it all faded away with time and baby. :( My sympathies.
Thank you. I really see it as a tragedy that both she and I shared. You have to understand that she tried, over and over. She really did, I saw and felt and experienced how hard she tried to keep giving me that energy. But her orientation changed, I truly think it was a hormonal thing to do with the pregnancy. I've seen it happen to people before when they start hormone therapy. We stopped being sexually compatible. Layer onto that the intense anxiety she already dealt with around sex, her exhaustion with being a new mom, the fact that she felt pressured by me and reacts poorly to that, the fact that's she's demisexual and didn't know it at the time... it was a mess. And then I stopped trying.

As an allosexual non-binary bisexual, it burned me bitterly and was extremely hard to understand how she could want me more or less on the basis of my sex, but... the fact is, she was fully bisexual all her life, and then she was still biamorous but almost exclusively heterosexual. Which fucking sucked for her too and was very difficult for her to grasp too. There was that ONE time I wrote about when she wanted to hook up with a female friend along with Eric and I was all jealous, but it turned out to be a complete bust, she didn't have fun at all. Which makes it all the more striking that she DID still have fun with me when we did manage to get together.

As for Eric, to be fair to him, you couldn't call it NRE in his case since he was always so clear and straightforward that he saw us only as FWB's. It was a mutual decision between he and I not to seek out dyad sex between the two of us after a certain point post-Bee, since it could provoke sadnesses/jealousies/insecurities in Gia (she and he were also having sexual problems, as new parents do) and while we enjoyed each other, we didn't need each other like that.

So yeah, it's sad and it was hard, but... I have very mixed feelings about the idea that Gia (setting Eric aside, where I feel he belongs if we're talking about my relationships) "didn't give me what I deserved", y'know? Because she couldn't. I guess if you do a job for someone and they literally can't pay you, that doesn't mean you don't deserve the pay. But the primary currency between us wasn't sex, in the end, it was love, and that we did/do still continue to exchange vigorously. 💜
 
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Rather than being sorry for myself these days about it all, I feel lucky. :) The pain was worth it because it feels like it all translated to growth, and because what I have now as a result is so precious that I would kill or die for it if, heaven forefend, ever so called upon. So I was frustrated for a time (as were we all, in our ways, probably no one moreso than Gia, for a myriad of reasons that persist). That's life.

I love having lived the knowledge that a mono cis-het person like Davis CAN love a poly non-binary person like me and understand/accept them and not need them to change, and vice versa, and that an allosexual bisexual person like me CAN love a demisexual heterosexual(ish) person like Gia and understand/accept them and not need them to change, and vice versa.
 
Woah, these posts! And here I was excited that you posted one update @AnnabelMore but it's like you're baaack! But now, in convo with Mags, wot. I'm picturing you both up on a stage in comfy chairs wearing clip on mics, with a table in-between holding a carafe of water and two tumblers.

Nothing to add as such. Just here to say that I found these very interesting to read.
 
I'm picturing you both up on a stage in comfy chairs wearing clip on mics, with a table in-between holding a carafe of water and two tumblers.

Nothing to add as such. Just here to say that I found these very interesting to read.
Haha yes love that! A "where are they now" type interview.

I'm very glad to hear you've enjoyed them, they've been very interesting to write!
 
I just appreciate that Anna was willing to dig deeper into the psychology of being drawn to threesomes and continuing a romantic (mostly) non-sexual relationship with a formerly-bi-but-now-pretty-much-straight married woman. Thank you for sharing such personal insights.

I have a slightly similar situation in that my dear partner Pixi, who is female, but was born with a male-appearing body, had just started hormones (estrogen, etc.) when we met 13 years ago. She was definitely much more sexual when her T-levels were higher. That, combined with her anxiety and ADHD, and a physical disability in her arms (often painful) makes her libido extremely variable. So I have to be quite patient with her, despite finding her so attractive, mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically. Most of the time in the past couple years she has been more up for kisses and cuddling than anything but the most basic and infrequent actual sex.

I am so glad I am polyamorous and can date men with straight-forward strong sex drives. My present boyfriend Aries is a gift from heaven. (Not just sexually, but the sex is incredible.)

I am glad you're drawing a boundary around not going dancing with Gia. It sounds so frustrating that she'll get all sexed up in public on the dance floor and then not follow through. I maybe guess the beats and the entrainment with the others releases some of her anxiety that prevents her from feeling sexual when it's just the two of you. Hmm...
 
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I just appreciate that Anna was willing to dig deeper into the psychology of being drawn to threesomes and continuing a romantic (mostly) non-sexual relationship with a formerly-bi-but-now-pretty-much-straight married woman. Thank you for sharing such personal insights.

I have a slightly similar situation in that my partner, who is female, but was born with a male-appearing body, had just started hormones (estrogen, etc.) when we met 13 years ago. She was definitely much more sexual when her T-levels were higher. That, combined with her anxiety and ADHD, and a physical disability in her arms (often painful) makes her libido extremely variable. So I have to be quite patient with her, despite finding her so attractive, mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically. Most of the time in the past couple years she is more up for kisses and cuddling than anything but the most basic and infrequent actual sex.

I am so glad I am polyamorous and can date men with strong sex drives. My present boyfriend Aries is a gift from heaven. (Not just sexually, but the sex is incredible.)

I am glad you're drawing a boundary around not going dancing with Gia. It sounds so frustrating that she'll get all sexed up in public on the dance floor and then not follow through. I maybe guess the beats and the entrainment with the others releases some of her anxiety that prevents her from feeling sexual when it's just the two of you. Hmm...
💜💜💜💜 I so feel you!!!

With the dancing thing, it's kinda complicated and personal but suffice to say it's a group of people and a place where she feels she can unmask more fully than anywhere else that isn't a fully private space. It makes sense in its full context, in an interesting way.

But yeah, gotta have some kind of protection for your own heart, and I think by now it's very clear to her what my reticence to attend means. It's a good low-key way I can assert myself while not doing anything to put pressure on her.

We have a date scheduled for tomorrow night. :)
 
Also meant to say — entrainment is a great word I hadn't encountered before!
 
A new story —

About 9 years ago now, I was in a show where I ended up making a bunch of new friends in my local theater scene (including my bf Pike 💜). One of them, with whom I worked closely, was a particularly sweet-hearted, wiry boy named Sammy. Another, with whom I had much less contact, was an aloof, witchy artist named Nora. I had a mild crush on Sammy from the beginning. Nora I always greatly admired but found a bit intimidating at first. In time, I saw that she was actually extremely kind-hearted herself, but with a steel behind it. The kind of person who's quiet because they're always watching, always ready to step in to try to make a situation better as needed.

Sammy and Nora started dating not long after I met them. In 2019, they helped officiate at a friend's wedding, wearing the coolest outfits, looking like magical woodland creatures. We all partied and camped overnight at the site of the wedding. At one point in the wee hours, Sammy and I ended up cuddling on a blanket under a tree. It was an incredibly pure and sweet experience, just enjoying the closeness of being very warm platonic friends. It's not like I was lying there pining, I was just enjoying the moment.

After, though, a thought occurred — what if we did that again, but kissed next time? That would be nice. Really nice. And actually, if Nora wanted to join us, that would be even nicer. Heck, the more I thought about it, the more I decided that I liked her just as much, if differently, than I liked Sammy. I rolled the thought around in my head for a few days before deciding to act (practically a whim in the scheme of how much I tend to overthink things).

I messaged the two of them, explained that I respected our friendships and their relationship and so of course a "no" would be no problem for me, but would they like to fool around or do kink stuff together (or separately) some time? I took the frankness with which Eric had once approached me as my guide. They saw the message immediately but didn't respond for an agonizingly-long three hours. When Sammy did write back it was to say how flattered and appreciative they were, but that they weren't sure they were ready to branch out (I happened to know that they had tried poly before and been burned).

No problem! I smiled to myself about it, pleased with my daring and with the fact that it hadn't gone over poorly. I told myself that I would respect their wishes perfectly and not flirt, and that maybe, just maybe, they would change their minds with time. My desire would be a fun secret between the three of us (and my other partners, of course, who I told of my proposition to them).

Then covid hit and upended my life for a minute as my job duties shifted radically. I focused everything I had on that. Sammy and Nora remained a fantasy in my mind, something to think about in my private time (if ya know what I mean), a reminder of pre-pandemic (and maybe post-pandemic?) possibilities. I didn't see them or hear much about them, as they weren't active on social media.

Then came summer 2021, and suddenly our friends were holding parties again (albeit outdoor ones). I attended one party where I had a warm and personal conversation with Sammy, then saw Nora be the only person to step up to try to deal with a sticky, potentially-dangerous interpersonal situation that arose with an asshole who should've been kicked out of all of our lives long ago (and was after that, I'm happy to say). I felt this yearning for them and realized I was falling for real. At the last moment, as I was leaving, I passed Nora and impulsively asked her if she'd like to get coffee some time and talk. She said yes!!!

...and then proceeded to ignore the text I sent the next day with my availability. ;_; I saw them again a month later at another party. Again, I only spoke up at the very end, as we were all leaving. It was random that Nora and I even ended up talking to each other there in those last moments (or maybe it wasn't, maybe she came up to me very intentionally?). Once again, I managed to grate out my question — "Hey by the way, did you get my text?" Immediately apologetic, she said that she had but that she had just been so busy. I said I understood (I did not :'-/).

I made a playlist full of longing songs about them. And then I heard that Nora was in the hospital with a mysterious but very dangerous condition caused at least in part by overwork. I felt guilty as hell for having wanted so badly for her to give me some of her time when she was in fact so busy that she'd nearly worked herself to death.

A mutual friend, Eleanor (with whom I also feel a strong flirty vibe, but that's another story) started a letter-writing campaign to boost Nora's spirits during her recovery. Eleanor encouraged me to write to Nora about healing. What I wrote ended up reading very much like a love letter. I think it was in the course of writing it that I truly fell for her. I had to think about and articulate exactly what I liked about her so much, and it just made me feel it all the more deeply. At the last minute I put a pin with a moon and stars on it in with the card and added a PS saying it reminded me of her.

The next time I saw Nora and Sammy, the first time I'd encountered them since Nora's hospitalization, was about a week after I'd sent the letter, at yet another party (what can I say, we have fun). I felt extremely nervous about the fact that I didn't know whether or not she'd read the letter yet. I kept it casual, mostly staying away from them until Nora and I naturally ended up in the same space at the same time, at which point I asked her, very neutrally, how she was recovering. We talked calmly about it.

Shortly thereafter I stepped into another space at the party, looking for an item I'd lost. Sammy was there by himself. I stammered that I was just there because I was looking for something and then immediately turned from him to search, knowing how badly I'd exposed my raw feelings. He tried to help me look and then commented on my item positively once I'd found it, trying to spark a conversation perhaps, but I just couldn't handle it and walked quickly away, not quite fleeing but still intensely aware of how obvious I was being.

When they were leaving, I positioned myself in Nora's path for a hug. As I waited for her to approach, I chatted casually with Sammy and another friend, having regained my composure (or so I thought). I was smiling mildly, my face a mask. But I let the mask slip... I grinned more widely at one point, realized how unnatural that must look under the circumstances, dropped my expression entirely and went flat for just a moment (my lack of control over my face a dead giveaway for how fucked up I was feeling), then put back on the mild smile. I think Sammy noticed and that, as a fellow actor, he probably knew exactly what it all meant.

I saw them next about a month after that, at a show. Nora was happy to see me, warm, something apologetic in her manner. She asked if she could hug me. "Uh, please?" I said, and she did. She thanked me for the card and the pin and told me she'd be writing me back soon. I didn't believe her, after all the silence I'd received from them so far, so I just smiled and said "ok" and appreciated the thought. She did not in fact write me back.

(continued)
 
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That was almost exactly a year ago now. I continued to fixate on the two of them in my heart, and in my Spotify playlists, but worked on releasing the feeling (barring a few instances where I was definitely obliquely flirting with them in various social media posts in a way that only they might have picked up on). I didn't see them much, but I was very much looking forward to their wedding, set for the early fall. Pike and I put together a tailored set of outfits that suited their theme perfectly, while, when I did see them, I misdirected them about what we planned to wear.

Then came the wedding. They were so beautiful, y'all. So incredibly beautiful. And I loved so very many of the friends who were there. Pike and I sat in the front row and I dabbed my eyes with a handkerchief that I felt very pleased with myself for having remembered to bring. After the ceremony, as they rushed past us, I heard Sammy excitedly comment to Nora on our outfits, and heard her reply with equal excitement, "I know!!"

I danced alllll night long, never with either of them but by myself, with Pike, with other friends, with family members, with a baby, with Sammy's mom (who said to me, breathless and laughing, "I want to be on your team!" "You are!" I replied before releasing her arm). A lot of their family members, Nora's in particular, seemed very conservative, in stark contrast to all us weirdo friends. I didn't do anything with the intention of freaking them out, but I did enjoy being a very visibly, joyfully non-binary presence in their buttoned-up midst. I danced with abandon, fiercely. We even opened up a mosh pit at one point!

When the wedding venue closed, the next stop was a semi-secret after-party at a local club. Pike and I stopped back at my place to change and then we went. More drinking, more good conversation with friends, more dancing. I continued to avoid close contact with the bride and groom, but also continued very much to enjoy myself.

Near last call, Nora and Sammy were dancing while Pike and I leaned against a wall nearby, low-key watching them. Nora turned, looked straight at me, and blew me a kiss. Instinctively, immediately, my hand flew to my (already-masked) mouth and I wrapped one foot tightly around my other calf. It was like she'd aimed a blaster shot right at my heart, and my reaction couldn't have been more clear.

The next thing I knew, we were dancing. And goddamn, it was GOOD, we shared the rhythm effortlessly between us. She led, directing my movements with hers, and I followed, letting her dominate the dance the way I wanted her to dominate the rest of me (I happened to know from gossip related to the relationship she was in before Sammy that she has an interest in that side of the kink spectrum).

As the song ended, her eyes were bright and sparkling in a way I'd never seen except for earlier that night at the wedding. She grinned at me, her hands on my arms as we slowed to a stop. "That was *fun*!" she said. And then, looking right in my eyes, she said "Anna, I love you. I love you, ok? I love you." My eyes went wide and I was so grateful to be wearing a mask so she couldn't see my mouth drop open too.

"And I know you love us too," she continued. I can't even imagine what my face did then, except I know for sure there was sheer terror in my eyes. The fact that she'd been kind enough to say the first part first is probably the only reason I didn't flat-out flee in that moment. "I know you have this amazing capacity for love," she said "and that at some point you fell in love with us." I didn't know how she could say that so confidently. I knew I'd been flirting, and that she was perceptive, but I'd never said those words out loud or written them down even, how could she KNOW like that?? Did she know before she blew me that kiss, or just then?

"...yeah, I love you guys. I love you," I said softly, trying not to let it come out as a whine. I pulled down my mask and kissed her on the cheek. "Nora, I just want to get to know you better." Because truly, that was all I most wanted now — to just talk, to understand her.

The lights came up and we all went our separate ways. Two days later I sent each of them a different cute meme. They each reacted to it but didn't actually reply. Then I heard they were under the weather, so I wrote asking if they were ok and if they needed anything. Another heart-react but no reply otherwise. That was two weeks ago now.

Bit cruel to tell me you love me and that you know I love you and still refuse to even tell me how you are. :/ Still, I've gotten very used to this silence from them over the last few years. And I'll see them again soon, at a show that Gia and I are attending together, actually. Maybe then I'll ask Nora when she knew, how she was able to speak about my feelings with such authority. Or maybe I'll let the silence stand, give them their mono honeymoon, and only come for them with flirtation again if they haven't reached out to me in a year's time.

Maybe nothing will ever come of all this. That would be fine. Just having some resolution, just knowing her feelings, just having mine known, makes everything a million times more bearable. Still... yeahhhhh I've been thinking about them all the more in my private hours at the same time, as you can imagine.

Oh to live, to live, to live! 💜
 
I'll see them again soon, at a show that Gia and I are attending together, actually. Maybe then I'll ask Nora when she knew, how she was able to speak about my feelings with such authority.
The show was amazing. So good to be out just Gia and me, sharing something unique and beautiful (that particular lineup will very likely NEVER happen again and was very special to both of us). She was so alive and engaged and happy... we both were, I felt sexy as heck and confident and joyful, proud to be by her side in front of friends who mostly hadn't gotten to meet her before.

Nora didn't end up going to the show but Sammy did. I introduced him and Gia, had a nice chat with him before she and I found our own spot to enjoy the show together.

At the end of the night, I found Sammy again to say goodbye... and he said "I love you, Anna." He said it like a friend would, but we both knew the full weight of the last three years that informed the moment. I grinned — while Nora saying the same had shocked me, this admission from him, now, did not at all — and said "I fucking love you too, man," hugged him, went back to Gia, kicked up both heels in pure happiness (he probably saw that) and told her what had just happened.

It was very much like the ILU moment Eric and I had so recently shared. Add to that my ILU exchange with Nora, and it's been an amazing couple of months for feeling loved. OH, not to mention that I'm currently on a wonderful and long-anticipated road trip with Davis, feeling closer to him and more settled in my mind about his crucial role in my life and mine in his, more satisfied in our connection than ever before.

Sure, I wouldn't mind at all if more of these people who love me were doing so physically, but I don't feel like I'm missing anything I need or like there are lingering, concerning questions hovering over my most important emotional connections. When was the last time I could say that?!

When was the last time I felt so sure of myself, not at all mixed up, not too much to be acceptable, not like a puzzle that might not be solvable? Maybe never. Hell, when was the last time I felt so accepted and seen by my friends and community in general, all these romantic feelings aside? Never for sure.

My life is far from perfect — got some money troubles (that are hopefully temporary), got some heavy new self-knowledge about ways I need to change how I relate to others (a whole other kettle of fish I'm not gonna get into now), got a huge pile of work tasks I need to get back to soon and need to keep figuring out how to focus on better. And I'm sure new woes will emerge in time. But to look back at how I was feeling just a year ago, when I was about to nosedive into the first true depression of my life, and to compare that to how I feel now?

Fuck, there's no comparison. No comparison at all. I'm excited by my present and for my future, and I feel new and invaluable understanding and peace about my past. Fuck. Yeah.
 
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